The One With Ross’s Poem

Written by: John Noonan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros.   Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Author’s note: This script contains a strong storyline so I hope it doesn’t offend you. Don’t worry, it does have jokes in it as well. The whole idea for this script came up after a conversation with a friend. This episode requires some previous reading. To understand this script, you will have to have read my other three scripts:

1) The One With The Giant Tic Tac
2) The One With Smelly Cat ala REM
3) The One Which Breaks The Couple Stereotype

Also, on a final point a friend of mine has produced her own web site which I appear on dressed as a Goth. So if you really, really, really, really want to put a face with the talent go to


Int. Central Perk. Day.

(The gang are all there except for Chandler. Phoebe is sat on the floor. The other girls are sat on the couch and Ross is sat in his usual place which is never taken....ever, and reading a paper. Joey is sat by the counter. Phoebe has a carpet bag next to her. Monica taps Phoebe on the shoulder. Phoebe turns.)

Monica: I can’t believe it. It’s been like five months since you two stated dating.

Phoebe: (Excitedly) I know!

Rachel: (Leaning towards Phoebe) Well, what’s he like? I mean, how does he treat you

Phoebe: Well, he’s always leaving me these little presents. Like chocolates, wine, roses. Ooh, and yesterday I went to see him and he had left (Goes into her bag and pulls out a pair of men’s sensible shoes.) these.

Ross: (Leaning forward) Um, Phoebe, they’re mine. I left them at his house two days ago. Joey was gonna get them repaired for me.

(He takes the shoes.)

Phoebe: Oh thank god for that! Coz I was like, woah, leather. Dead cows.

(Roll Credits)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Day.

(Everyone is there except for Joey. They each have an empty glass, leading us to believe that they’ve all had a drink. Chandler is finishing a story.)

Chandler: (Gesturing as he talks) So...I’m there, 12 years old, I’ve just burst into the bathroom and standing there in a basque and tights is ....

Ross: (Interrupting) Your Father?

Chandler: No, Grandma!

Everyone: OOOH! Nasty!

Monica: Before we continue with our discussion on whatever happened to the cast “Deliverance”, (She looks at Chandler who gives out a brief sneer) does anyone want another drink?

(Everyone gives out their various replies. Monica gets up and makes her way to the kitchen. As she does Joey comes out of the bathroom. Apparently not seeing each other, they bang into each other. As they collide, Joey puts his arms around her. )

Joey: Woah, there!

(They both laugh. After a while they finally separate. Joey sits down and Monica turns to them all.)

Monica: You’ll have to wait for your drinks. I need to pee.

Chandler: Okay, but I don’t ant apple juice any more.

Everyone: Eeew!

(Monica goes into the bathroom. Joey watches her leave and then turns to the others. They all have frowns on them. )

Joey: Wha’?

Rachel: So, what is going on with you guys?

Joey: What do you mean?

Chandler: You must have bumped into her at least twelve times today. You carry on like that and your not gonna be valid for your life insurance.

Joey: (Confused) What are you trying to say?

Phoebe: You’re flirting with her!

Joey: (Laughing) I’m am not!

(Monica comes out as Joey talks and goes to the kitchen. She begins to prepare the drinks.)

Monica: (To Joey) You’re not what?

Joey: Excuse me?

Monica: You said, “I’m not!”. What are you not?

Joey: Um, well, I’m not (Thinks) Jewish.

(Chandler shakes his head.)

Joey: (lying through his teeth) You know, it’s like, you say “Oh Vey!” once and the next thing you know....

Chandler: Okay, you finished Woody Allen?

(Monica comes back with the drinks and passes them out. She leaves Joey’s till last.)

Monica: (To Joey) There you go, Sire!

(She hands him the drink. He takes her hand kisses it.)

Joey: Thank you, serving wrench.

(They stay connected at the hand for a while and then finally Monica goes back to the kitchen. Joey watches her again and then turns to the rest of them. They have the same frowns as before.)

Joey: (Annoyed; loudly) I’M NOT!

(Monica turns suddenly. The gang all look at her.)

Everyone: OH VEY!

(Monica lets out a weak laugh and then frowns. There’s a knock at the door. Monica goes to answer it. We stay focused on the rest of the gang as they tease Joey.)

Monica: (OS) Um, Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: (OS) You’ve got a visitor.

(Rachel gets up and turns around. A look of shock spreads across her face.)

Rachel: Ohmigod!

(We slam cut to the door. In the doorway we see Anthony Mcbeth, from my first script. He looks a lot healthier then he did in the last script. Obviously, he’s still being played by David Arquette.)

Rachel: (OS) Anthony!

Anthony: (Shyly) Um, hi! Rachel, can we talk?

(We cut to a CU of Ross. He’s less then impressed at the return of such a prat of a man.)

(Fade out.)

(Fade in on:)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.

(Ross is by himself watching TV. Rachel walks in. Ross turns the TV off and turns to Rachel.)

Rachel: (Surprised) Oh, hi Ross!

Ross: Hi.

Rachel; What are, what are you doing here?

Ross: Well, you were gone so long with Anthony that Monica began to worry. So, I sent her to bed and said I’d wait up for you.

Rachel: (Laughing) Ah, a best friend AND a caring brother.

Ross: Uh, huh! So, er, what did Anthony want?

(Rachel sits down next to Ross on the couch.)

Rachel: Well, he wanted to apologise for his behaviour at Halloween.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yeah! He said that he was going through a tough phase.

Ross: A tough phase?

Rachel: Um, yeah! He’s, well, he was an alcoholic.

(Ross looks surprised.)

Rachel: (Hurriedly) He’s sobered up now and he’s really nice, and he’s kinder, and he asked me out!

Ross: Well, I hope you told him where to go!

(He looks at her and she bows her head.)

Ross: (Panicking) You did tell him where to go, Rachel. You must have at least handed him a map of where to go.

Rachel: Ross, that wasn’t him last year. That was the alcohol.

Ross: How do you know? He could still be psychotic.

(Rachel lets out a brief scream.)

Rachel: ROSS! You promised that you’d never do this again!

Ross: Do what?

Rachel: Become suspect to everyone that I go out with!

Ross: When, when did I say that? You tell me when I said that?

Rachel: In the toilets of Central Perk.

(She is referring to the talk they had in my second script, “The one with Smelly cat ala REM”)

Ross: Okaaaaay! I knew that. Rachel, the guy is a psycho.

Rachel: You met him once. He was drunk and you punched him.

Ross: But...

Rachel: Look, we are not having this conversation!

Ross: Oh, but I think we are.

Rachel: Ross, I think you better leave.

Ross: But..

Rachel: ROSS!

(They stay silent for a while. Each not wanting to talk. Finally Ross gets up and walks to the door. He stops. Ross turns as if to say something. He doesn’t. Instead he turns and goes out of the door.)

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night.

(Chandler, Phoebe and Joey are there. The TV is on and showing Baywatch. Phoebe and Chandler are snuggling. Joey is making a sandwich. Suddenly he looks up and laughs.)

Chandler: I swear, Pheebs, I only watch this show because I want to learn first aid.

Joey: Oh, that reminds me. Monica said the funniest thing today...

Chandler: OH MY GOD!! If I hear her name one more time I swear I will kill you with my bare hands whether you owe $100 in rent or not.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: This is ridiculous. Will you just go out with her?

Joey: What

Phoebe: It’s like you’ve done nothing but talk about her all day. I never seen anyone so obsessed with her before.

Chandler: I know a President who was obsessed with a Monica.

Phoebe: That’s not the same thing.

Chandler: What are you going to do about her?

Joey: Nothing! Y’know, I can’t go out with her. She’s a friend. If I sleep with her it’d be like sleeping with my sister.

(Chandler looks at Phoebe.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Yeah, well, I don’t actually have a sister. So you and me are still okay to sleep with each other tonight.

Phoebe: (To Joey) Look, why don’t you just ask her out? Nothing too serious. Just go to the movies as friends.

Joey: Yeah, but what would we go and see?

Chandler: You could catch that new movie about the Bill Clinton trial. Y’know, “Liar, Liar”!

(They all burst out laughing, but after a while Joey stops.)

Joey: I don’t get it.

(Fade to black:)

(Title Card: A week later.)

Int. Central Perk. Day.

(Everyone is there except for Rachel and Monica. The guys are sat on the couch. Phoebe is sat on a stool. Monica storms in looking rather frustrated.)

Monica: I don’t believe it!

(She slams down on a chair.)

Chandler: (In a strange deep voice) What’s up, pretty momma?

(Everyone looks at him.)

Chandler: (Shyly) That was supposed to be Elvis.

Ross: Seriously, what’s up Sis?

Monica: My date cancelled on me again! I was really looking forward to going out tonight.

(Chandler nudges Joey on purpose.)

Joey: OW! Chandler, that hurt.

Chandler: (Acting) Oh, sorry!

Monica: That’s like the third person this week. God, it’s like no one wants to go out with me.

(Chandler nudges Joey harder.)

Joey: Chandler, you wanna stop that.

Chandler: (Whispering) Will you ask her out!

Joey: (Whispering) Oh yeah! (Pause) Come with me.

Chandler: She’s like over there!

Joey: (Making Doe eyes) Please!

Chandler: Phoebe’s told me about this thing with the eyes. Stop it. Stop it.

Monica: (Curious)What are you guys talking about?

Joey: Um, well..

(Chandler pushes Joey onto his feet. Joey goes to walk near Monica. Before he does he grabs Chandler by the arm and takes him with him. Chandler of course is acting reluctant and so when Joey stops walking Chandler hides behind him.)

Joey: Look, er, Monica. I was wondering. I mean, I know I’m not for of a constitution for those guys.

(Monica looks confused.)

Chandler: (From behind Joey’s back) Consolation, nimrod!

Joey: Um, consolation. I’m no consolation for those other guys, but I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me tonight. As friends. To the cinema or something. As friends.

Monica: Yeah, I’d like that.

(Joey stands there silent. He looks at Monica then at Chandler. Monica looks concerned.)

Monica: Joey?

Joey: Me and Chandler had a big speech planned for if you say no. We’re not prepared.

(Just then, Rachel walks in. She’s wearing sweat bands around her wrists with a pantsuit. She’s carrying a bunch of shopping.)

Rachel: Hey guys!

(Everyone gives their various hellos.)

Phoebe: So, how was your date with (Puts on a seductive voice) Anthony?

Rachel: Um, it was nice! Yes!

Chandler: Hey, I don’t know if you heard, Rachel, but shopping is not as strenuous as they make out.

Rachel: Wha’?

Ross: What’s with the wristbands? You, er, thinking of taking up a marathon after shopping at Bloomingdales.

Rachel: Oh, these. (Holds her wrists) They’re nothing.

(Phoebe stands up and goes to Rachel.)

Phoebe: OOH! Can I have a go? I’ve always, like, wanted to be a sportsman.

Chandler: Since when?

Phoebe: Since, like, forever, Mr Doubtful!

Rachel: Um, I’d rather you didn’t.

(Too late! Phoebe pulls one of the wristbands off Rachel’s arm. We see a large bruise on her wrist. Ross, naturally, is the first to jump up and react.)

Ross: What’s that?

Rachel: That? That was from last night!

Ross: (Suspicious) Why? What happened? Did Anthony hit you?

Rachel: NO! No. We were leaving the restaurant last night and I caught my bracelet on something. It was a big, heavy, leather bracelet and so it rubbed my skin and made it bruise. And, er, that’s how I got this!

Ross: He didn’t hit you?

Rachel: No, of course not.

Ross: Are you sure?

Rachel: Ross, I think I’d notice. Look, Ross, calm down. Everything’s okay. Thank you for looking out for me, but it’s okay!

(She kisses him on the forehead.)

Ross: Thank you? But I thought you, you, er, we...

Rachel: Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you last week. But it’s all forgotten now.

Chandler: That’s funny because when I split up with a girl, they remember every arguement we have and, yet, forget my total existence.

Monica: Seriously, Sweetie. Are you okay?

Rachel: I’m fine!

Monica: Okay, then. (More cheerfully) So, have you heard? Joey’s going to take me to the pictures tonight because my love life is completely non-existent.

Rachel: That’s great.

Monica: The movie bit or the lack of love life?

Rachel: The movie bit. So, what are you going to see?

Joey: I don’t know, but Chandler mentioned a movie about Monica Lewinsky’s dress. It’s called “Splash”.

(Once again everyone bursts out laughing except for Joey who just really doesn’t get it.)

Int. A bar. Night.

(A normal crowded bar. “Fallin’ Down” by The Rembrandts is playing from the juke box. Joey and Monica are sat at a table drinking beers and talking.)

Joey: And I mean the way it was reflecting life itself. I mean, that had to be the most thought provoking film ever.

Monica: Wait, we’re still talking about “The Wedding Singer” aren’t we?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: Wow!

Joey: What?

Monica. You amaze me!

Joey: Why?

Monica: For the last half hour you have just convinced me that an Adam Sandler film is just as deep as “The Seventh Seal”.

Joey: The what?

Monica: Nothing!

Joey: Look, I gotta go pee!

Monica: (Slightly repelled) Thanks for that Joey.

(Joey gets up and walks to the bathroom. Monica watches him leave. She’s got a big grin on her face. Which promptly disappears when a slimeball sits next to her. If we could get Richard E. Grant to play this part then hat would be great.)

Richard: Why hello, my dear!

Monica: Um, hi. Someone’s sat there!

Richard: Who, that idiot? You don’t want him.

Monica: Oh, don’t I?

Richard: No, you want someone who knows what “The Ninth Walrus” is!

Monica: “The Seventh Seal”!

Richard: Whatever! Look, how about a kiss?

Monica: (Shocked) What?

Richard: Oh, go on you little tease. You know you want to.

(He grabs hold of her. As he does Joey comes out of the bathroom and upon seeing them walks right up to them.)

Monica: Get off!

Richard: Oh, go on.

Joey: I believe the lady asked you to let go.

Richard: (Getting up off the chair) Okay, I’m going!

(He turns around. He suddenly swings round and tries to punch Joey. Joey, being athletic, simply grabs his arm and pulls him out of the bar.)

Joey: Now, go on, Get!

(He walks back to Monica.)

Joey: Are you okay?

Monica: I’m fine! That was really nice. Thank you Joey.

Joey: (Bashful) Oh, it was nothing.

Monica: No, it meant something to me.

(She goes to kiss him. At first he’s reluctant, but after a while he relaxes. From this kiss we fade to:)

Int. Pizza Parlour. Day

(The guys are all stood around a table eating pizza. It would appear that Chandler and Ross are on their lunch break. Joey, on the other hand, is just there.)

Joey: Oh, I kissed Monica last night.

Chandler: Well done, my man! So, was it like kissing your sister?

Joey: No. Actually there was more tongue.

(Joey and Chandler burst out laughing. Ross just stands there, not believing what he’s hearing.)

Ross: You guys, that’s my sister.

Joey: Sorry Ross.

Chandler: Yeah, sorry man. Anyway, what’s the matter with you? You’ve been down all lunch. I’ve never seen a man so unhappy eating an anchovy.

Joey: You ever see a man happy to eat an anchovy.

Chandler: (Ignoring Joey) Are you okay?

Ross: Rachel came home with another bruise last night.

Chandler: No way! How’d she get it?

Ross: She says she walked into a door.

Joey: Well, perhaps she did.

Ross: I really don’t think so. Infact, I’m going to see Anthony today.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: To see what he’s doing to Rachel.

Joey: You can’t do that.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: (Putting his slice of pizza down) Okay, say you go. First of all, if he’s done anything he’s going to lie and secondly. (He pauses to think) What if it turns out Rachel was hit by a door. You’re gonna feel really stupid.

Chandler: Whereas, Rachel will feel really great that she got attacked by a piece of mahogany. Look, Ross, go and do what you’ve got to do. How are you going to get in? He’s a big music corporate. He’s not going to have time to see you.

Ross: Well, you see I booked an appointment under a pseudonym. He’ll never know it’s me.

Chandler; Oh yeah, what are you called?

(Cut to: )

Int. Reception area. Day.

(Ross is sat outside Anthony’s office reading a magazine. There is faint music coming from Anthony’s door. A receptionist comes up to Ross and taps him on the shoulder.)

Secretary: Mr Paul Eontologist?

Ross: That’s me!

Secretary: Mr Mcbeth will see you now!

Ross gets up and goes into the office.

Int. Anthony’s office. Day.

(Anthony’s office is covered in tour posters. All advertising bands like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Bloodhound Gang etc. Anthony is sat in a big black chair behind a big black desk. Everything on the desk is black. Anthony has his back to Ross and is listening to “Everlong” by The Foo Fighters on his stereo. Which is also black. )

Anthony: (Without turning) Hello Ross!

(He spins around in his hair ala Blofeld. Ross looks surprised.)

Anthony: Don’t be so surprised. I mean, Paul Eontologist! It’s hardly original for a dinosaur expert. (He gets up and walks to the front of the desk.) Please sit. (Ross does while Anthony sits on the edge of the desk.) Why all the secrecy? You needn’t have booked an appointment. Your my girlfriend’s best friend which makes you my friend.

Ross: I’m her best friend?

Anthony: Yep! You mean a lot to her. Anyway, what can I do for you?

Ross: Are you hurting Rachel?

Anthony: (Laughing) Excuse me?

Ross: You heard me!

Anthony: Why on earth do you think that I’d hurt Rachel?

Ross: (Standing) Everytime she’s seen you she’s had some sort of bruise.

Anthony: Pure Coincidence.

Ross: My ass! Don’t you ever touch her again!

Anthony: You better watch your freakin’ mouth, Ross!

Ross: I swear I’ll get the Police on you if she even comes home with a hair out of place after seeing you.

Anthony: (Angrily) Who the hell you think you’re talking to? I’m known for eating little whiney chumps like you!

Ross: Whatever!

(Anthony reaches down to his intercom.)

Anthony: Sally, could you all security. (To Ross) Okay, you have five minutes to get out of here. If your not out I‘ll have you arrested.

(We focus on Ross and then cut to:)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.

(Ross and Rachel enter the flat. Rachel looks really angry. They make it to the couch before Rachel speaks.)

Rachel: I can’t believe I’ve just had to bail my friend out of my boyfriend’s security before he got sent to the police.

Ross: Thanks for that.

Rachel: What were you doing there?

Ross: I was, er, welcoming Anthony.

Rachel: Welcoming?

Ross: (Thinking Fast) Yes, yes I was! I was welcoming him into our group of friends. It’s a Muslim tradition.

Rachel: Ross, you’re not Muslim.

Ross: No, no I’m not. BUT I know a Muslim at work and so that makes me (Looks at Rachel who is just not swallowing the story.) not a Muslim.

Rachel: What were you doing there?

Ross: I went to talk to him about you!

Rachel: Me? Wait a minute, this is about my bruises, isn’t it? OH MY GOD! Ross, I said it wasn’t Anthony. You didn’t believe me. Did you?

(Ross remains silent.)

Rachel: Did you?

Ross: No, I didn’t.

Rachel: (Upset) What?

Ross: Rachel, I did this for you. I wanted to keep you safe.

Rachel: (Filling up) Get out!

Ross: (Begging) Rachel, please.

Rachel: (Begins Ross towards the door as she shouts) OF ALL THE LOW DOWN THINGS YOU’VE EVER DONE. THIS IS TEH WORST. YOU DIDN’T TRUST ME, ROSS. YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME. YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK. GET OUT! GET IT! GET OUT! (She finally pushes him out of the door. Before she shuts the door, she says calmly) I don’t ever want to see you again.

(She shuts the door, sits down and cries.)

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Day.

(Joey is preparing a big fried breakfast. Chandler waltzes out of his room. He’s dressed in his gown.)

Chandler: I could get use to this.

Joey: Get use to what?

Chandler: You being the one that gets up early while I lie in bed with a beautiful woman.

Joey: The only reason I’m up early is because you and Pheebs weren’t exactly just lying in bed, were you?

Chandler: (Pretending not to understand) I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!

Joey: I’ve played some strange parlour games in my life but you two! Woo-hee!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Lunar Landing Module?

Chandler: (Defensive) Hey, I didn’t hear her complaining!

Joey: Neither did the entire apartment block.

(Chandler gives a sly smile.)

Chandler: Anyway, what about you?

Joey: (Unsure) What about me?

Chandler: Forrest Hump?

Joey: How...

Chandler: (interrupting) I found your box of chocolates. Oh, and let us not forget, Pulp Friction.

Joey: I’ve never played that.

Chandler: I know, but I just came up with it. Couldn’t resist!

(They both laugh.)

Joey: Oh, hey, me and Monica are gonna go on another date.

Chandler: Great! Where to?

Joey: I don’t know. Maybe an old Italian restaurant or “Hooters”!

Chandler: (Sarcastic) Ooh, tough choice.

(There’s a knock at the door. Ross stagger sin. He looks rough and is obviously drunk. He’s wearing the same clothes we saw him in before. He talks like the stoned guy in “The One with the stoned guy”.)

Ross: Hi!

Joey: (Unsure) Hey, Ross!

Chandler: (Concerned) What the hell happened to you? What time did you go to bed?

Ross: Bed?

(Phoebe walks in from Chandler’s room. She’s dressed in a silk dressing gown.)

Phoebe: What’s going on? (Sees Ross) Oh, you poor man. Come sit down. (Sits Ross down) Chandler, get this man some soup. Joey, get my purse. Oh you poor man. I remember being homeless one too.

Chandler: Um, sweetheart, that’s Ross.

Phoebe: (Slaps Ross around the head and talks angrily) Oh! Ross, how could you? Pretending to be homeless!

Ross: I’m not pretending to be homeless.

Phoebe: (Sympathetic) Oh, you mean you ARE homeless. Oh Ross, I’m sorry.

(She hugs him.)

Ross: No, I’ve just been wandering around the village all night. Getting a few drinks. Right, well, I better get to work. (He gets up and looks around) Where’s my suitcase?

Chandler: You didn’t bring your suitcase.!

Ross: (Cheerfully) Oh yes! Well, goodbye!

(He goes to the bathroom door and pulls it. Obviously it doesn’t open, but then finally he pushes it and walks in.)

Ross: (From Bathroom) My God! Chandler, someone stole your bathroom and out it in the hallway.

Chandler: (Playing along) Really? (To Joey and Phoebe) Look, I’m gonna phone the museum. He’s in no fit state to go to work. I’ll call in sick as well.

Joey: So will I! (Pause and then laughs) Oh, no, wait!

(Chandler picks up the phone and turns his back to us so we can’t hear what he’s saying. Ross walks back out of the bathroom looking astonished.)

Ross: WOW! You have wildlife in there. Is that legal?

Joey: Ross, you use to have a monkey.

Ross: (Slyly; getting close to Joey) Between you, me and the ladies I still do!

(He bursts out laughing. Chandler puts his hand over the receiver.)

Chandler: Get him into the bathroom.

(Time lapse to:)

Int. Chandler and Joey’s Bathroom. Day.

(Ross is now sat in the bath. Joey and Chandler are pinning him down. Phoebe is stood by the shower unit.)

Ross: Why are we in the bathroom? I have to go to work. I have dinosaur bone to play with and (Thinks) stuff.

Chandler: Why have you been out all night?

Ross: Don’t know. Don’t care.

Joey: Ross! Come on man!

Ross: I like you ceiling!

Chandler: Okay, let him have it.

(Phoebe switches on the shower unit and a gush of cold water hits Ross in the face.. It continues to run through the rest of the scene. Ross lets out a scream.)

Ross: (Sobering up) Geez! That’s freezing! Turn it off!

Chandler: No, what the hell’s got into you? Out all night. Getting drunk. What’s going on?

Ross: I went to see Anthony yesterday.

Chandler: And?

Ross: Well, he got me arrested and Rachel picked me up. I told her why I’d been there and she yelled at me saying she didn’t want to see me again. She physically kicked me out of he flat!

Joey: (Shocked) I can’t believe it.

Chandler: I know.

Joey: I was right. I said not to go. Mr Palaeontologist was wrong. I was right.

(Chandler and Phoebe stare at him.)

Joey: But I could celebrate this fact at a later date.

Chandler: (To Ross) Look, don’t worry. I’m sure she’s forgotten all about last night. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Okay!

(Phoebe picks up Ross’ mobile phone which has been balanced on the toilet. She dials Rachel’s’ number into the phone.)

Phoebe: Um, hi Monica. (Pause) Is Rachel there? (Pause) Yeah, um, hi Rachel. ( Pause) Yeah, um, Rachel, Ross is here and he wants to talk to you. (Pause and then puts her hand over the receiver. To Ross) She’s got a message for you. (Pause) Um, yeah, go on. (Pause) Yeah (Pause) Yeah (Pause) Ooh, wait up where? (Pause) Oh, okay (Pause) bye. Ooh, I don’t think you want that message Ross.

Ross: (Getting upset) I told her in the toilets of Central Perk that I’d lost her as a girlfriend and that I didn’t want to lose her as a friend. I’ve done that haven’t I? Chandler, you were right. I’ve ended up with apple pie on my face.*

(*See “The One with Smelly Cat ala REM”) (He begins to cry. The guys, having not seen their friend like this before, pull away. They don’t know what to do and so they turn to Phoebe for help. Phoebe turns off the shower unit and bends down next to Ross. She takes his hand.)

Phoebe: Come on, Science guy.

(She helps Ross up. She puts a towel around him and they walk out. Ross is still crying.)

Phoebe: Come on. I think I offered you some soup didn’t I?

Chandler: That was scary.

Joey. I know. (Pause) So, which restaurant do you think I should take Monica to?

(Chandler stares at him.)

Joey: Not the right time, huh?

Int. Joey’s Bedroom. Night.

(Joey is frantically looking around his room for something. Monica comes walking into the room all dressed up. She looks disgusted.)

Monica: That bathroom is a mess. I can’t believe you let that duck swim in the toilet. It’s unhygienic.

(He stops looking and faces Monica.)

Joey: (Frustrated) Look, he’s happy. Help me find my tie before we’re late for our reservation.

Monica: Did I tell you about the time I ate Italian food in Rome?

Joey: YES! Several times. Infact you’ve told me about all the boyfriends you’ve had since college.

Monica: No, I’ve not told you about Scott.

Joey: (getting angry) Hmm, Scott. Oh, wait, the guy who cries during “Pulp Fiction”. Um, Yes you have.

Monica: Oh!

Joey: Look, Monica. Do you get the feeling we’re not made for each other?

Monica: You get that feeling to, huh?

Joey: I don’t understand. We were great before.

Monica: Maybe that’s because we wanted to be.

Joey: What?

(Monica sits both herself and Joey down on his bed.)

Monica: Joey, since we all met we’ve seen Ross go out with Rachel and now Chandler is going out with Phoebe. It’s obvious that we thought we should be together because it seemed right. And it obviously wasn’t.

Joey: Ya think?

Monica: Yeah!

Joey: (Upset) Oh!

Monica: Don’t worry! We’ll probably get together one day. Just not now.

(She kisses him.)

Monica: But, with a kiss like that I’m sure you’ll already be with someone by the time I come round.

(They hug.)

Joey: You still want to go out?

Monica: Yeah, sure.

Joey: We’ll just be in time for our reservation.

Monica: How about we forget about the restaurant and go to “Hooters”? My treat.

Joey: (Smiling) Yeah, okay.

Ext. Outside apartment block. Night.

(We see Monica and Joey coming out. As they do, Ross walks up to them. He looks a lot better then before. He’s had a shave and he’s in fresh clothes.)

Ross: Hi.

Monica: Oh, hi Ross. How are you?

(Ross looks confused.)

Joey: I told her about this morning.

Ross: I’m fine. Look, is Rachel in?

(Monica looks at Joey then back at Ross.)

Monica: Erm, yeah. She’s not keen about about seeing you tonight. So, I think you better buzz yourself in. Rather then use your key.

Ross: Thanks. (makes to go inside, but then stops.) Hey, you two enjoy yourselves.

(Monica and Joey look at each other.)

Monica: (Smiling) We will.

(They leave. Ross goes to the intercom.)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.

(Rachel is sat on the couch reading. She’s wearing trousers and a turtle neck. Foo Fighter’s “Walking after you” is playing from her stereo. Suddenly the door buzzer goes. Rachel gets up and answers it.)

Rachel: Hello?

Ross: (OS) Hi. It’s me.

Rachel: Go away!

Ross: Wait! Rachel! I’m sorry. I, er, wrote you a poem. (He begins to read the poem.) “Life has no meaning now, Now that you are gone, You were my love, You were my life, You were my friend,”

Rachel: Bye Ross.

(She turns the intercom off. She goes to the CD and turns the music off. She walks into her room. After a while the phone rings. It’s answered by the machine.)

Monica: (On machine): I’m not in, so leave your number. Unless your Mom, then I’ve gone forever. I’ve left no forwarding address.

Ross: (On Phone; As he talks he sound like he is running out of breath) We got cut off. I’m on my mobile. I’ll make this quick. (he continues the poem a little slower) “Under velvet sky of night, I promised I’d never leave, Fate has changed that, You are no longer there,” (After a while we can hear both Ross’ voice on the phone and from outside.) Though you may only think of me now, When there is nothing left to think, I sit by the phone waiting, Waiting, (Confused Rachel comes out of her room and notices that it’s coming from behind the blind.) To hear your voice once more, You were my love, (She pulls the blind open. Ross is stood there with his back to the window.) You were my life, You were my best friend.” Rachel, are you there? Rachel?

(Rachel taps on the window. Ross is so surprised that he spins around. At the same time he flings his arm up in the air and send his mobile phone over the balcony. Ross watches the phone fall. From the answering machine, we hear it fall until there is a loud crunch and then the sound of the tone. Ross turns back to the window and waves.)

Ross: Hello, Rachel.

Rachel: (Angrily) Get in!

(As Ross enters the apartment, Rachel turns the answering machine off. Ross begins to walk up to her. She spins around suddenly.)


Ross: What?

Rachel: How dare you pull that emotional crap on me!

Ross: Rachel, I...

Rachel: Just because you write me a poem and scale the building doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you.

Ross: I never...

Rachel: You’ve constantly been in my hair since I’ve been going out with Anthony. You’ve got no right to..

Ross: (Angrily) RACHEL! Will you please shut up?

(Rachel is struck dumb.)

Ross: Now, look! I’m sorry I did what I did, but I will not be made out to be the bad guy, Rachel. Not when I know Anthony is.

Rachel: How do you know?

Ross: I just do. Rachel, I’ve met people like him before. He’ll be...

(Rachel goes up to him and kisses him on the lips.)

Ross: What, what, what was that for?

Rachel: For being sweet! Ross, thanks for worrying, but there’s no need.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: (Unconvincingly) Yeah!

Ross: Okay. I better go. I’ve already ruined your night in. What were you going to be doing?

Rachel: Oh, just watch TV.

Ross: Okay! Well, I’ll be going.

(They hug. Ross begins to walk to the door. At the door he stops.)

Ross: I’m sorry how I reacted, but remember if you need help just call.

(We watch Ross open the door. Radiohead’s “Street Spirit” begins to playing the background.)

Rachel: (OS) Ross?

Ross: Yeah!

(We turn to Rachel. She is sat on the couch. She pulls down the neck on her jumper and we see large red marks around her neck.)

Rachel: (crying) Help!

(Ross shuts the door. He’s suspected this for weeks that this was going to happen, but he has no idea how to react. He could run up and kiss. Tell her everything is going to be okay. However he knows better then that. Instead he goes up to her. He sits down next to her and hugs her. Rachel literally collapses in his arms. The credits begin to roll. Rachel’s sobs are drowned out by the song and soon the screen fades to black with only the credits appearing.) The End.

Okay, well, that is the end. There’s no funny bit at the end because after all I don’t think it would be appropriate. I hope you enjoyed this script. Any comments to 

Apologies to KORN who I needlessly ripped lyrics off.

Ross’ poem originally appeared in the book “A few Precious thoughts” and was written by me.