The one with Smelly Cat ala REM

by John Noonan

Dedicated to the fortunate few.

Based on characters from the NBC series Friends, created by Marta Kauffman, David Crane, and Kevin Bright for Warner Brothers Productions.

Author's note: Okay, this is a make believe episode. Aren't they all? Anyway, this is how I think the feud between Ross and Rachel should have ended. On a personal note, some people have already read the draft version of this script. One comment was that it was too close to the truth. Only she knows what that means. I 'd like clarify that the only comparison to real life is the first arguement between Rachel and Ross and some of Chandler's jibes. I'm quite a funny man you know.

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Int. Staircase at the end of the hall. Day

A tabloid journalist (Drew Sandler) is facing the camera. The angle is a bit quirky.

Drew: Have you got it on?

Kenny (The camera man): Yeah, hit it!

Drew begins to climb the stairs to Joey and Chandler's flat. She stops when she reaches the door.

Drew: Hello, I'm Drew Sandler and you're watching "Whatever happened to them?". We all know the soap "Days of our lives", but how many of us remember the short, but sweet life of Joey Tribbiani or as he's known to us, Dr Drake Romary. Joey became a big hit when he joined the hit series, but for some reason, only known to the writers themselves, he was killed off tragically. Today I find out, Joey Tribbiani, what happened to you?

She knocks on the door. Chandler answers it in his dressing gown. We can hear him talking as he reaches the door.

Chandler: Stacy, I've told you before. I did not put that rubber chicken in your bra on purpose. I don't know how Joey got your panties and I don't know why that peacock bit me and.....

He opens the door. He looks startled as he notices Drew and the camera looking at him.

Chandler: And...and....Huh, Hi, um, We can start this again, right. Opening Titles.

Int. Hallway.

Chandler and Drew are stood in the same positions as before. Except Chandler is now dressed in a suit.

Drew: So you wear this every morning?

Chandler: (Getting close to the mike and acting cheesily. It's obvious he fancies Drew.) Why, yes I do, Drew. Can I call you Drew?

Drew: No.

Chandler: You see I have to wear this because I'm a working man.

Drew: (Unimpressed) Really. Even on a Saturday.

Chandler: (Enthusiastic) Why Yes....(Suddenly realises and speaks more quietly) I do, Drew. Anyway, I'm sure you'll want to meet Joey. He's next door.

(We return to the camera's POV. Chandler walks across the hall and walks into Monica and Rachel's. In front of Chandler we can see Joey watching TV with Phoebe. We hear Monica and Rachel's voices from behind the door.)

Monica: Hey Chandler!

Chandler: (Cheerfully) Hey

Rachel: Well, someone's in a bright mood this morn..

(The camera turns round the door and points straight at the girls. They scream.)

Monica: (Covering herself up) Get that thing out of here!

Chandler: Hey, I happen to have a name.

Rachel: Not you, the camera.

(They run into their rooms.)

Chandler: (Talking to them as they leave) I can't. They're here to talk to Joey.

(The camera points to Joey and Phoebe who turn around.)

Joey: (Waves) Hey, I'm on TV. Hi Mom.

Phoebe: (Waves) Hi Mom. Ooh, wait, no. (Looks up) Hi Mom.

Joey: (To chandler) Hey is this camera for me?

(We go back to normal POV. Chandler walks up to Joey)

Chandler: No, Joey. Infact they're here for me. They think that the life of a man whose only love is Baywatch and silly putty is a lot more interesting then that of, say, a man who appeared in "Days of our Lives" and was later killed off.

Joey: (Seriously) Oh. Well, that would explain the suit.

(He turns back to the TV. Chandler stands there, not believing what has just happened. Drew and Kenny seem equally surprised.)

Joey: (Laughs) Uh oh! Watch out Stimpy! He's going to hit you!

Chandler: Um, Joey.

Ren: (On TV) You Eeeeeeeediot!

Joey: (Laughs a bit like Homer Simpson) Eeeeeeeeediot!

(Chandler coughs loudly.)

Joey: (Not turning around) Hey, you wanna keep it down Chandler.

Chandler: Joey, the camera crew is for you. I was joking.

(Joey jumps off the couch and turns around. He looks like a child on Christmas day.)

Joey: Really?

Chandler: (Mockingly) Really! Joey: (Jumping over the couch) Yay! Chandler: (Turning to Drew) We can cut all that out, right?

Int. Monica and Rachel's. Later that day. (Joey is sat on the couch . Drew is sat with Kenny on the table. Phoebe and Rachel have gone and Monica is with Chandler in the kitchen looking very uneasy.)

Monica: Do they have to sit on my table?

Chandler: Well, it was that or your suggestion of being allowed into the kitchen if they wore boiler suits.

(Monica stares at him.)

Chandler: Don't worry!

(Kenny begins to scratch his ass. Chandler puts his arm around Monica as she buries her head into his shoulder and stifles a scream.)

Drew: Okay, Thanks for that Joey. We'll follow you around for the rest of the day if that's okay.

Joey: Sure.

Drew: Great. And cut!

(The camera man puts the camera down. Ross and Rachel enter. holding shopping. Rachel looks pissed.)

Rachel: Why are you so bothered?

Ross: I just find it very strange, you know.

Rachel: What, that someone might be attracted to me?

Ross: No...

Chandler: (Stepping in) What's going on?

Rachel: Well, Ross was helping me carry some shopping and then this guy came up to me and..

Ross: (Irrated) He gave her his number.

Chandler: (Mockingly) Bastard!

Monica: Why are you making a big deal, Ross? It's only a number.

Ross: Because..because, um, the guy, um could be an axe murderer.

(He looks around for approval.)

Rachel: (To Monica) He was cute.

Ross: I thought we clarified that after the twenty second time you told me. Try telling me he's cute when, when he has a glove with knives on it.

(He does an impression of Freddy Kruegar)

Rachel: God, you're childish!

Ross: Yeah, well, I'm rubber, you're glue. What bounces off me sticks to you.

Rachel: (Begins walking to her room) I give up. Monica I'm going to use the phone.

Ross: What? you're not actually going to phone him are you?

Rachel: (Stops at the bedroom door) And what if I am, Ross? It's none of your business. Stop acting like my father.

(She goes inside her room and slams the door. Everyone is looking at Ross.)

Ross: (Bashful) I'm not her like her father.

Int. Chandler and Joey's. Day

(Ross is pacing around the room. He's obviously stressed. Chandler is simply lying back on one of the recliners.)

Ross: I can't believe she said I'm acting like her father . I'm not am I, Chandler?

Chandler: (Standing up) Sure your not (Slaps him on the back) Pop!

Ross: Oh, you don't think it too.

Chandler: Well, there are times when you do go over the top. Y'know, a little over-protective. But, hey, you're only human. I mean, I'd be over protective if I went it with the woman of my dreams and then completely dashed any hopes of getting back together again by sleeping with the girl from the Xerox shop.

(Ross just stares at him.)

Chandler: I'm sorry. It sounded a lot funnier before it exited my mouth. Look man, you're just going to have to have THE talk.

Ross: THE talk?

Chandler: Yeah, look see, back in high school when my parents were going through a real rough patch after the divorce. Do you remember?

Ross: Yeah, it involved loads of men.

Chandler: Yeah, and my mum was really jealous that they were going out with dad. Anyway, you were always there for me. You listened to me and I thank you for that. However I use to speak to someone else. There was this girl on my street called Michelle. She was like my best female friend. Soul mate, if you will. Anyway, we used to talk every night and I think one day we booth got really lonely and we started going out.

(Ross sits down.)

Ross: Wait, I remember Michelle. What happened between you?

Chandler: Well, we went out for a couple of months and it was great. That was until the prom. She found me behind the bleachers with Sarah.

Ross: Sarah?!

Chandler: Uh Huh. Well, Michelle flipped and we ended up arguing. If we saw each other walking down the corridor we would make jibes at each other and so on. Then one day I saw her with someone else and I couldn't believe it. My heart was actually breaking.

Ross: (Doubtful) Chandler Bing. His heart breaks.

Chandler: Okay, that was a little over-dramatic, but anyway, I decided to make things up with her. If I couldn't be her boyfriend , y'know, at least I could be her friend. So I went round to her house and she kicked me off her porch. Well, she threw apple pie in my face and then she threw off my porch. We continued not to speak right up until graduation and after that I never saw her again. Her mother stills sends me her number everytime she goes any where. She really loved it when we were together. Infact, Michelle is somewhere here in New York, but I'll probably never see her.

Ross: How have you not ended up on HBO?

Chandler: (Annoyed) Ha ha! Listen if you don't want to be reciting the same story I did then you're going to have to have THE talk.

Ross: Why?

Chandler: Because one day you'll end up walking across that hall to see Rachel and instead you'll get apple pie.

Ross: Okay, let me think about it.

Chandler: Great!

(Joey Enters from his room followed by the camera crew. He seems to be in a bad boy. He stops walking when he gets face to face to Chandler)

Joey: Hey, Quiff Boy.

(Chandler begins to flatten down his hair. He's sensing that Joey is in a bad mood.)

Chandler: Quiff boy? No, quiff boy here!

Joey: What do you mean by taking my little black book?

Chandler: Joey, I have no idea what you're...

(Joey pushes his shoulder. Chandler is shocked.)

Chandler: Okay, he pushed me.

Joey: Yeah, and there'll be a lot more pushing if you don't find my book...(pauses for affect) Janice-lover.

(Chandler opens his eyes wide in the way that only Matthew Perry can.)

Ross; Okay, I think we over stepped a mark somewhere.

Joey: So where've you put my book?

Chandler: I have no idea..

(Joey punches him square in the stomach. You can almost hear the audience going "OOOOOOOO". Chandler falls to the floor gripping hold of the kitchen counter.)

Drew: That was great! Listen me and Kenny are going to get a cup of coffee, okay?

Joey: (Now smiling) Yeah sure!

(Ross looks baffled. Chandler stands up. He's still slightly bent over, gripping his stomach.)

Chandler: Joey, I just need to ask one thing of you.

Joey: (Cheerfully) Wassup!

Chandler: Why did you hit me?

Joey; Oh yeah! Sorry I got a little bit carried away, didn't I?

Chandler: Hey, just a bit. Though don't worry I believe Cher can do without her bottom two ribs as well.

Joey: Didn't Drew clear it all with you?

Chandler: What? Having my lungs punctured? No, funnily enough Joey, she didn't?

Joey: Oh, well she thought that me having a fight with my room mate would show that although I'm happy with my present situation (The other guys seemed extremely disturbed by Joey's sudden increase of vocabulary) I would much rather express my emotions in another field of my expertise or else punch my flatmate in the gut.

Chandler: (Not impressed and standing to his full height) Oh, okay!

(Sensing danger, Joey begins to edge towards the door. Chandler has a big "I'm Pissed!" face.)

Joey: (Scared) Um, I'm going,, (Chandler takes a step towards him. He bangs the floor as he does so)bye!

(Joey runs out of the room.)

Ross: (Concerned) You, uh, okay?

Chandler: (Turning with a big smile on his face) Yeah, he never actually touched me, but he should be getting me beers for quite a while now.

Int. Central Perk. Afternoon

(All the gang are there. Phoebe is on stage preparing. Joey is talking to Drew. She points up at Phoebe)

Joey: (Walking up to Phoebe) I'll ask.

(Drew gives the "okay" sign and begins to walk towards the entrance)

Joey: Um, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Drew was wondering if I could sing "Smelly Cat" for the documentary.

Phoebe: Um, I don't know. People using my songs have caused a lot of problems for me. Y'know there's been a lot mental anguish.

Joey: that a yes?

Phoebe: I don't know.

(Joey begins to make dow eyes.)

Phoebe: Oh, stop that! Stop being yum and everything. Humph, okay. You can. You, uh need me for accompaniment.

Joey; No, apparently Drew has got me a band and someone to introduce me.

(Drew sticks her head out of the door.)

Drew: Come in guys!

(Yes, for the first time anywhere, REM AND Howard Stern are in the same building.)

Ross: Oh my god! It's REM!

Phoebe: Yeah, and some tall guy with bad hair.

Chandler: What? Are you kidding me? That's Howard Stern! That guy is my God! I've been listening to him since the 80's. (He gets up and walks towards Howard)

Chandler: Hey, Howard!

(Howard turns around)

Howard: Hi, do I know you?

Chandler: (Cheerfully) Um, no, but...

Howard: Then go away!

Chandler: No, listen I just gotta say that your my hero. I've tried to follow in your steps.

Howard: (Trying to sound interested) Oh yeah! What, er, what do you do?

Chandler: I work with numbers.

Howard: (Begins to laugh) Your one of those guys that use a WENUS.

Chandler: (Unsure) Um, yeah!

Howard: Oh man, I can see how that compares with being a No 1 Radio personality!

(He continues to laugh as the camera pulls over to Joey and Michael Stipe.)

Joey: So you're Michael Stipe.

Michael: So you're Joseph Tribbiani.

Joey: (Friendly) You can call me Joey.

Michael: For an extra thousand I would.

Joey: Okay, Joseph is fine.

Int. Central Perk. A little bit later then before.

(REM and Joey have set up. Both Michael and Joey have a microphone each. Howard Stern walks on stage.)

Howard: Okay, pipe down ya morons! Tonight at Central....(Looks at his hand. He obviously has something written there)Jerk! A one off gig with REM and some nobody.

Michael: One, two,

(The music kicks in. Obviously you can't hear this music so let me see if I can help you. I hear the song being in the style of "What's the frequency, Kenneth?". Everytime Joey sings it's quite bad and you can see that Michael is quite disturbed. When Michael is singing Joey is dancing around the stage like a reject from a KISS concert or if you can't picture that try thinking of him dancing as he did in the Rembrandts video. When the song finally ends Joey jumps in the air on the last cord and falls of the stage.)

Fade to:

Int. Central Perk, After the song

(The gang are all sat down and REM and Howard Stern have left the building. Joey has his head stuck out of the cafe doors and is waving goodbye to REM. He turns to the rest of the gang and saunters towards them.)

Joey: So...what did you think?

Ross: Um, well, it was different.

Rachel: REM were good!

Joey: Chandler, be straight with me man!

Chandler: (Seriously) Okay, it was terrible. I've funerals more entertaining then that. I felt like I wanted to kiss Gunther in order that I would have something else to do but listen to you.

(Joey begins to frown. After a while his frown turns into a smile.)

Joey: You're joking, right?

(Chandler looks at the rest of the gang. They all nod slowly.)

Chandler: Yeah, I was.

Joey: Cool!

(Chandler gets up and walks to the toilets. He turns to Ross and beckons him. Ross simply stays seated and waves.)

Chandler: Um, Ross, don't you need the bathroom.

Ross: (laughs) Um, no.

Chandler: Sure you do.

(He mouths the words "We need to talk" and then points to Rachel.)

Ross: (Standing up. He begins to act worse then Joey does) Actually, I do need to go to the bathroom. After all I shouldn't hold it in. Because as we all know...

Chandler: Hey, Kevin Costner. You finished.

Ross: Yeah, sorry.

Int. Men's bathroom.

(Chandler walks in followed by Ross.)

Ross: So, what's up?

Chandler: You given any thought to our talk this morning.

Ross: Um, yeah, I mean, I want to, but I'm not sure.

Chandler: (Putting his arms around Ross) What's up dude?

Ross: Dude!

Chandler: (Bashful) Sorry. So what's up?

Ross: Well, I don't know what to say.

Chandler: You just tell her how you feel. She'll tell you how she feels and you react.

Ross: But, um, what if I react in the wrong way.

Chandler: You won't, man. Your Ross. (He points to the bathroom mirror) Your smart, charming, intelligent. Hell, you're the Anti-Joey.

Ross: (Begins to act shy) You, er, you think?

Chandler: (Punching him cornily in the arm) Sure, man.

(He puts his arm back around Ross and turns making them both look at the wall. Their backs to the door.)

Chandler; I don't know what you're going to say, but if I were you, I'd say..(A big man walks in. He looks mean and nasty. We're talking a serious Homophobic.) "I love you, but I've finally realised that we can only be friends. What I want you to know is that I'm happy with that."

Ross: That's..

(He begins to frown. As does Chandler. They can sense someone is behind them. They turn slowly. They see the big man and smile. They look really worried, but it would appear that the Big man is crying.)

Big Man: (Sobbing) That's beautiful, man! We live in a wonderful world. Wait till my girlfriends hears. (He hugs both Ross and Chandler at the same time.) I love you guys.

(Ross and Chandler look at each other over he guys shoulders. They look extremely worried.)

Int. Central Perk. Late Afternoon.

(Ross and Chandler are coming out of the toilets. They look back. They are still quite disturbed about before. Phoebe is playing Patience. Joey is still being interviewed by Drew and Rachel is talking to a man (Marcus) who is sitting in Ross' usual place. Ross seems to recognise the man and taps him on the shoulder.)

Ross: Um, Hello

Marcus: Hi.

Ross: You're, uh, sitting in my place.

Phoebe: (Not looking up from her cards.) No, wait, Ross. You were sat there. (Points to nowhere in particular)

Ross: Thank you, Pheebs. (To Rachel) So, uh, are you going to introduce us?

Rachel: (Reluctantly) This Ross is Marcus.

Ross: (Mock Joy) Oh, Marcus. The, er, the phone number guy.

Marcus: Oh yeah! I remember. We were....

Ross: (Not interested) Yes we were.

Marcus: And you were...

Ross: (Still not interested) Yes, I was.

Marcus: And I....

Ross: (Less interested, more pissed) Yesssss. So, um Marcus.

Marcus: Yes.

Ross: Are you and Rachel having sex?

Rachel: (Shocked) Ross, we've only just met.

Ross: Yeah, well, y'know, what with today's society and everything I think you should be considering these things now in order that you can take protection later. Y'know, he could have VD.

Rachel: (Standing up) Look, Marcus, we're no going to get any peace here. Let's go! (Marcus sands up and they begin to walk to the door.) Bye guys! (She stops in front of Ross)

Ross: Bye Rachel.

Rachel: Bye, (turns around) Gunther.

Gunther: (Startled) Um, see ya Rachel.

(Rachel and Marcus continue their way to the door.)

Rachel: (To Marcus) Besides, the coffee here isn't actually that good.

Gunther: (Grabs his heart) Betrayed by the one I love.

(Gunther runs into the back room.)


(He walks back in. Everyone in the cafe is looking at him.)

Gunther: Er, I found a cockroach.

Everyone in the Cafe: (Putting down their coffees) EEEEEEEEEEEEW!

(Chandler stands up and pulls Ross towards the counter.)

Chandler: Ross, here's a question. (Slaps Ross in the arm) What the hell was that about?

Ross: (Pretending not to understand) That was Gunther screaming. Didn't you hear.

Chandler: Not that. Before that. That whole "I'm pissed off at Rachel's new would be boyfriend" routine. He may have VD? Man, that was twisted. I tell you are going to end up not being able to talk to her soon.

Ross (Annoyed) You know what! May, just maybe, I don't care. Y'know. Maybe I like being this way. Infact. (He stands on the coffee table.) Ladies and Gentlemen, I like being an insane depressive.

(Chandler pulls him off the table. He is really worried about his friends sudden mood swing.)

Chandler: (To the rest of the Cafe.) We're on Jerry Springer next week. Manic Depressive Palaeontologists. (To Ross) Listen..

Ross: No, Chandler. I'm sick of this crap. I'm always running after her and worrying about her. Yeah, I know she doesn't ask me too, but I mean. Look, If she doesn't care about me then I don't care about her.

(He storms out. Chandler looks really dejected. He sits down near Phoebe.)

Phoebe: You okay, funny guy?

Chandler: Ross is going to get apple pie in his face.

Phoebe: Ooh, is this the Michelle story?

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: That happened to me too. Except it was more of a pumpkin then a pie.

(Chandler just looks at her.)

Phoebe: Don't worry Chandler! Everything'll be fine.

Chandler: Um, yeah, sure. I believe we said this before I started smoking again. (He stands up as if he has a bright idea) Infact, I'm outta here. I'm sure I have a packet of cigarettes somewhere.

Monica: Don't even think about it.

Chandler: I can't. I need to smoke. The man needs nicotine.

(Joey walks up to Chandler with the camera crew behind him.)

Joey: I know you stole my black book and everything, but I just heard you talking about taking smoking up again. (He puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder.) I just want you to know that I think smoking is (Turns to the camera.) cool! I want you to be my friend again.!

(Chandler stands there as if trying to think of f a come back. He looks between Joey and Phoebe and Monica. Finally he turns to Joey.)

Chandler: Oh, shut up!

Drew: Okay, that's great. (To Joey) I'll see you later.

Joey: Sure.

(Drew and Kenny leave. Joey sits down.)

Monica: Joey!

Joey: What? Monica: Smoking is cool?

Joey: (Seriously) You think so too, huh! Personally I don't, but Drew said that it would make me sound cool!

Chandler: Yeah, I bet she'd let you into her gang if you could steal all the apples from Mr Smith's tree.

Monica: What are you doing? Smoking is cool. You'd never say that.

Chandler: Nor punch me.

Phoebe: Or ruin (suddenly becomes angry in the way that Phoebe does) MY "SMELLY CAT"!

(Chandler puts his arm around her to calm her.)

Joey: Look, I'm sorry. I'm just doing this for the show.

Monica: Joey, this show was suppose to be showing the Joey behind "Days of Our Lives" not the Joey who is the result of many a disaster in the 20th Century.

Joey: (Unsure) What do you mean?

Monica: You've been taken for a ride. She's trying to make you look bad for the show. Get some ratings, y'know.

Joey: No way!

Chandler: Yes way. (To Phoebe) Did I just say that?

(Joey stands up form his chair. He stands in a pose that wouldn't be out of place in a DC comic book.)

Joey: You know what? You're right, Monica. I AM Joey Tribbiani. I'm better than this. I'll go up to her and tell, no demand, that she edit out all the bad footage of me.

Chandler: You go Girl! (To Phoebe) What is with me today?

Joey: Chandler, will you come with me?

Int. Chandler and Joey's. Early evening.

(Joey is stood with his arms crossed like a spoilt child. Chandler is stood behind him. Kenny is packing away the camera. Drew is finishing applying make up.)

Drew: So, we just gotta put the footage together and you'll be able to watch it tomorrow on NBC.

Joey: Yah-huh! We need to talk.

Drew: What about?

Joey: I want you to edit the bad footage of me.

Drew: Why?

Joey: Because...(He thinks for a second and then turns to Chandler who whispers in his ear.) Because it under mines me.

Chandler: Yeah!

Joey: It makes me out to be someone I'm not.

Chandler: Yeah!

Joey: And someone I don't want to be.

Chandler: Word up!

(Everyone looks at him.)

Chandler: How come it doesn't sound that scary when Will Smith says it.

Joey: Anyway, the point is that either you cut out the bad stuff or I just won't give you permission to put that on air.

(Drew gets up and walks towards him.)

Drew: Joey, your a really nice guy and your probably liked by everyone, (Joey begins to smile) but if I edit the footage you'll probably never work in this town again.

Chandler: That's okay. He doesn't anyway.

Drew: (Ignoring Chandler) Joey, you need that footage to make you look good and to make you famous again.

(Joey turns to Chandler and gives him a look that says "Aw, c'mon.". Chandler simply shakes his head. Joey turns back to Drew.)

Joey: (Reluctantly) No, I don't.

(Drew looks at Chandler.)

Chandler: The man has spoken.

Drew: Okay, okay. I'll edit. I hope you enjoy it.

(She and Kenny walk out of the room. Joey and Chandler stay looking stern until she and Kenny have left. Then, they begin to dance around in celebration.)

Int. Ross' apartment. Evening.

(Ross is sat on the couch with a bowl of popcorn balancing on his stomach. He's watching a an old 1930's movie. Suddenly the phone rings.)

The TV: What was that?

Ross: That was the phone.

(He laughs at his own joke as he walks to the phone. He picks it up.)

Ross: Hello...oh, hi Chandler.......What! I'll be right over.

Int. Rachel and Monica's. Evening.

(Monica isn't there. Rachel, like Ross, is sat on the couch with a bowl of popcorn balancing on her stomach. She's watching the same old 1930's movie as Ross. Suddenly the phone rings.)

The TV: What was that?

Rachel: That was the phone.

(She laughs at her own joke as she walks to the phone. She picks it up.)

Rachel: Hello...oh, hi Chandler.......What! I'll be right over.

Int. Central Perk. Evening

(Everything is quiet. The place has closed for the night. However, the doors are still open. Ross comes running followed by Rachel.)

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: They phoned you too, huh?

Ross: (Taking offence) What, I'm not worthy to get a phone call?

Rachel: Oh, don't start that crap now. You..

(Chandler comes running in. He looks worried.)

Ross: (turning to Chandler) What's up?

Chandler: Well, Gunther gave us the keys to the Perk so we could finish our drinks and lock up. We were just about to go when Joey went to pee. Suddenly there was this bang from the bathroom and we ran in and we found Joey sprawled on the floor. He'd slipped on some water and broken his leg. It was horrible!

Rachel: I can guess.

Chandler: No, you don't understand. His flies were open. My god! I though I was going to go blind.

Ross: Okaaaaay. Look, where is he?

Chandler: Follow me.

Int. Men's bathroom. Evening.

(Joey is lying on the floor holding his leg. Monica and Phoebe are stood over him, nursing him. The rest of the gang come in.)

Ross: Are you alright?

Joey: Yes, I am Ross. I like having my right leg in a completely different angle from my left.

Chandler: Come on. Let's get him out of here.

(Ross goes to pick him up.)

Chandler: Woah, slow down there, Speedboat. Me and Phoebe'll do it.

Ross: (Unsure) Okay.

(Chandler and Phoebe pick Joey up. They begin to limp to the door. They're followed by Monica who is followed by Ross and Rachel. As they reach the door. Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Monica all run shutting the door on Ross and Rachel. Ross lets out a weak laugh and tries to open the door. It's locked. They would appear to have been set up.)

Ross: (Banging on the door.) Open the door.

Rachel: Come on, guys.

Chandler: (VOS) Oh dear, I've locked the door and can't appear to find the keys.

Joey: (VOS, joining in) Yes, they've been taken by that (pause) Albatross.

Chandler: (VOS, Not impressed) Yes, thank you Joey.

Ross: Let us out!

Chandler: (VOS) Not until you talk. Ross: (Reluctantly) Okay, okay.

Rachel: What's he talking about?

Ross: Rachel, we need to talk.

Rachel: (Backing away from Ross) Oh no, Ross! No a chance. We've done this before. Ross, it's over. Okay. There's no need for talking. Okay. Infact, this was all a set-up wasn't it. Let's get Rachel locked up with Ross and she'll fall in love with him again.

(She goes to try and open the door again. Ross grabs her by the arm and stands her in front of him.)

Ross: (Sternly) RACHEL, (More calmly) hear me out. Before we went out with each other I used to watch you go out with all these guys. I watched as every single one of them broke your heart. I use to think to myself that if that was me and I was going out with you I would worship the ground you walked on. Then finally I got my chance and it was like, Woah! Y'know I used to wake up every morning and think "I'm going out with Rachel Green. Me, Ross Geller.". Then I screwed up royally. I admit this now. The was when we split up I never actually realised how much I'd hurt you. I was so annoyed that you wouldn't listen to me. Then one I'd had a really bad day at work. Y'see, there was this bone and we wanted the bone and they weren't going to let us have the bone...

Rachel: (Affectionately) Ross..

Ross: Sorry, I digress. Anyway, I wanted to talk to someone and spending the evening watching a Baywatch marathon with the guys didn't seem like my kind of fun. So, I phoned you and you hung up on me straight away.

Rachel: Ross, if I'd known..

Ross: You weren't to know, but it was finally after that call that it hit me. I'd lost you. I tried to get use to it. Then I see with other men and I flip out. I shouldn't act like that?

Rachel: What changed your mind?

Ross: U2!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Well, this afternoon I'd had a argument with Chandler and when I go home I put "The Joshua Tree" on. As I sat there sulking "With or Without You" came on and it happened. I understood every word of that song. That song was us, Rachel. I WANT you and yet I can't HAVE you. I know I've been acting like a jerk but Rachel (Grabs her hand) I lost you as a girlfriend, please, don't let me lose you as a friend as well.

(Rachel seems touched. She continues to hold Ross' hand as she talks.)

Rachel: Ross, you will never lose me as a friend. Admittedly, I can't forgive you for what you did, but the fact that you have opened your heart to me like this is great. Your the Ross I remember. The Ross before I went out with you.

(They hug.)

Ross: Here's an idea. Why don't we go on a double date some time. You and Marcus and me and this girl I know at work.

Rachel: (Looks up at Ross and smiles) Yeah, I'd like that.

Ross: Then maybe we will.

Rachel: But I don't think I'll ask Marcus.

Ross: Oh, why not?

Rachel: He's not really my type.

Ross (Acting) Oh shame.

Rachel: Look, I'll allow you be honest one last time.

Ross: Thank you. I couldn't stand that guy.

Rachel: That's okay.

(They hug again. As they're hugging Ross lifts Rachel's head up by her chin and kisses her on the lips. After a while Rachel pulls away.)

Rachel: (Half annoyed, half jokingly) Ross!

Ross: I'm sorry. I just wanted one for the road.

Rachel: Well, have another.

(They kiss again.)

Rachel: (Jokingly) Don't make a habit of it.

(They hug again.)

Chandler: (VOS) Aw, man!

Monica: (VOS) Oh, that's so sweet!

Phoebe: (VOS) I knew this was going to happen when I saw that I had unknowingly put on my RED socks on.

Joey: (VOS) Hey, I want to listen.

Chandler: Joey, there isn't enough room.

Joey: Sure there is.

Chandler: Joey, there's too much..

(Suddenly the door swings open and Monica, Phoebe, and Joey fall onto the bathroom floor.)

Chandler: Pressure. (He looks up at Rachel and Ross who are laughing) I'm sorry, you were hugging.

Int. Chandler and Joey's

(Chandler is sat on a recliner watching TV.)

Chandler: Joey, c'mon, the shows going to start soon.

Joey: (From his room) I'm coming!

(Ross enters the room.)

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: The girls sent me for you. They say the show's nearly on. If you hurry up, they'll flash you.

(Joey comes running out of his room, pass Ross and Chandler and out into the hall.)

Ross: Oh by the way, Chandler.

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Thanks.

Chandler: What for?

Ross: For getting me to talk to Rachel.

Chandler: That's okay. So are you back together?

Ross; No, we're friends. Which is what really matters.

Chandler: God, I wish I had the same guts ten years ago, that you have now.

Ross; What ? Is this about Michelle?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Hey, you've got her number. Do it.

Chandler: Maybe.

Ross: Well, I'm going next door.

(Ross walks to the door and opens it. Joey is stood there flustered.)

Joey: You liar.

(He walks off. Ross walks out and goes to shut the door. before he does, he turns to Chandler.)

Ross: You, er , coming?

Chandler: In a minute.

(Ross simply nods and walks out. Chandler goes to phone and dials a number. )

Chandler: Hi, Michelle.......Hi, this is Chandler Bing.......No, don't hang up.......I think we need to talk.

The End