Ross's Diary

Entries by:  Tina Nellis and Greta Tenconi

April 16th, 1998

Emily and I set a date for the wedding - I can't help feeling that we're going a bit fast, considering.  But why didn't I want to let go of Rachel when we hugged after I found out she'd broken up with Joshua?  That's something I can't figure out.  Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.  Who knows?  But one thing I do know is that I'm happy with Emily - and that's all that matters.

May 5th, 1998

It was Rachel's birthday today - and I forgot to get her a present, because I was too busy getting ready to go to England.  Like I haven't already done enough to hurt her.  HER birthday, of all people's.  How selfish am I?  I'll make it up to her somehow - I'll bring her back something really great from London, or something.  It'll have to be something really great - I've gotta make it up to her somehow.  Not just this, but everything.

May 6th, 1998

Ever since we arrived in London, Emily's been acting really weird.  She's been acting... I don't know, almost bitchy.  But she's Emily, my Emily, and she's not like that.  But then again, I don't know her well enough to know she's not like that.  Maybe she'll be better tomorrow.  But what if she gets worse?  Am I committing my life to someone who couldn't be more wrong for me?  Or am I committing my life to someone who couldn't be more right for me, but just isn't the person who I want to be right for me?

May 7th, 1998

Why won't Rachel tell me why she really came to England?  She thinks I don't know, but I do.  I could see it in her eyes.  I couldn't believe it when she showed up.  In any case, she knows.  Emily knows, too.  After that fiasco in the church, everyone knows.

September 24th, 1998

Why am I even bothering with Emily?  It's like she doesn't want to know me at all.  In fact, after that, I bet she doesn't.  After all, she punched me in the stomach, ran away from me (twice), screamed that she hated me - why am I even bothering with someone like that?  Why did I run after her?  Why did I give up a chance to go to Athens with the woman I... wait, I don't love Rachel!  I CAN'T love Rachel.  I love Emily, and that's all there is to it.

October 1st, 1998

I did it again.  I said that Rachel was my wife, when she's not.  Why do I keep doing that?  She's NOT my wife - although I'm beginning to wish she was, after everything Emily's put me through in the space of a week.  She told me she was still in love with me today.  I nearly told her the same back - I told her "thank you" instead.  What's wrong with me?  My wife's ignoring me, and I'm going off and falling in love with my ex-girlfriend all over again.  That's not what a normal person would do, that's what someone in a soap opera would do!

October 15th, 1998

Emily's back.  She's a changed person.  She told me that she'd come back to me on one condition - that I promise that I never see Rachel again.  What else could I do?  If I said "No" to her, it'd be like admitting to her that I'm still in love with Rachel.  I can't believe I promised I'd never see her again.

October 29th, 1998

I told Rachel what I promised Emily.  She was heartbroken, I could tell.  She's not the one who should get left out of the group just because I happen to be married to someone who seems to think she has a divine right to tell me who I can and can't see.  I'm falling in love with Rachel all over again, I know I am.  I just don't know what to do about Emily - I mean, she's my wife, and I love her.  Not as much as I think I'm beginning to love Rachel again, though.

October 30th, 1998

Emily left me.  Why couldn't I make it work?  I wanted to make it work so much.  Oh, I should just face it - I'm in love with Rachel.  There, I said it - well, technically I wrote it, but it's basically the same thing.  I'm admitting to something I shouldn't be admitting to - especially in writing, where someone could read it.  Oh my God, what if she finds this?  Then my life will be a real mess.  Actually, come to think of it, it's already a real mess.  Emily left me because I wanted to see Rachel, Rachel will think this is all her fault, then we'll get into a big argument and stop speaking to each other again.  I couldn't handle that again.

1st February, 1999

Rachel might be getting a transfer to Australia.  Not knowing about that, Steven proposed to her.  Then I proposed to her.  Something tells me I shouldn't have done that (shouldn't have done that?! - Ross, how stupid can you be at times?!) - but it wasn't until the very moment I actually said it that I realised just how much I wanted to ask her... and how much I wanted her to say yes.  She didn't give me an answer right away, though - I guess all I can do now is wait and see what she decides...

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