Rachel's Diary

Entries by: Tina Nellis and Greta Tenconi

April 16th, 1998

Joshua and I broke up today, and it's all because Ross is getting married to someone else.  It's only just started to sink in, a week after.  Maybe I'll feel differently about it when it actually happens.  But right now, I'm just miserable about the whole thing.  I can't believe he's getting married to someone who isn't me.  Why can't he marry me?  Wait, I'm not in love with Ross anymore!  I can't be.  I mean, it's Ross!  Been there, done that, bought that T-shirt!  (Hell, I'm writing the book as we speak!)

April 23rd, 1998

I'm not going to Ross's wedding.  I can't - it'd be too weird.  For some reason, I can't get him out of my head.  Why can't I get him out of my head?  If only I knew what was going on with us, then I could try and make some sense of all this.

May 5th, 1998

It was my birthday today.  And Ross forgot, because he was getting ready to go to England.  I can't believe I'm still in love with him, even after everything.  And I really can't believe I only realised it today.

May 6th, 1998

I'm going to London!  I'm going to tell Ross I love him.  I need to tell him, if only to get it out of my system.  I don't care if he turns around and says "Oh, but I love Emily now".  And I don't care if he says "Oh, I love you too Rach", although that'd obviously be a bonus.  I just need to tell him.

May 7th, 1998

I didn't tell him.  But he knows.  He must know.  I mean, why would he say "I take thee Rachel" otherwise?  I know I said that I just needed to tell him, but when he was standing there in front of me, in that tux - God, he looked good in that tux - saying how happy he was to see me, I couldn't help but think he was still in love with me.  There was something in his eyes, believe me - I know that look when I see it.

September 24th, 1998

Ross asked me if I wanted to go on his honeymoon with him, considering that Emily didn't look like she was gonna show.  Then he went off and left me on the plane.  I can't believe that he had it in him to do that sort of thing (when sober, that is).  Oh well, back to square one.  And off to Athens on my own. :(

October 1st, 1998

I told him.  I can't believe I told him.  What's worse is that I can't believe he didn't start yelling at me about how he's married and that I shouldn't be ruining his marriage!  I wish he had, if only to bring me back down to earth and realise that it's never gonna happen.  But he didn't.  He had to be so damn nice about the whole thing, and make me think that there's always a chance.  Why'd he have to be so nice?  Why couldn't he be the stubborn mule he was when we broke up the last time?  Why'd he have to go back to the ways that made me fall in love with him in the first place?

October 31st, 1998

Emily left Ross.  I can't believe it - poor Ross!  I mean, a day after she tells him not to see me anymore, she leaves him.  He's absolutely heartbroken.  I've not seen him like that since... since me.  He wanted to make it work so much, I know he did.  What can I do now?  All I can see happening now is a huge mess between the two of us.  He's gonna get mad at me for breaking up his marriage, I'm gonna get mad at him for blaming me for breaking up his marriage (even though it's true), and we're gonna end up not speaking to one another again.  I couldn't deal with that - not again.

31st January, 1999

I know I haven't written in this for a good few months, but recent events have led me to start writing stuff in here again.  (God, I sound like a newsreader.)

I might be getting a transfer.  I wouldn't mind so much if it was to a different department in the store - except it's to Australia.  If I take it, it means leaving all my friends.  But then again, if I want to further my career in fashion, I'd be an idiot to turn it down.

1st February, 1999

Steven proposed to me.  But then Ross proposed to me.  I think I'm probably going to turn Steven down - it's too soon to rush into something like that, after knowing the person for only 6 weeks.  I should know - I have an unusual amount of experience in this area, as I've already told you numerous times.  I still really like him, though.  But Ross - my head's saying "no", but my heart's saying "go for it".  I can't believe I'm actually considering turning a proposal from my boyfriend down in favour of my ex-boyfriend.  Why?  I thought I was starting to get over Ross once and for all.  I thought I was starting to get on with my life.  So much for that.  Now I have to decide whether to accept one of the proposals and stay here, turn them both down and go to Australia, or stay here and turn both of them down.  What am I going to do? :(

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