The One With All the Trench Coats (a prelude)

[Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is there having breakfast alone, as Joey walks in.]

JOEY: Morning!

RACHE: Good morning Joey!

JOEY: [with a grin] …So where's Ross?

RACHE: He had to leave early! They had a mix up at work , with a crazy, loony guard!

JOEY: What problem?

RACHE: Well …apparently , last night a guard, during his smoking … well … let's just say herbs … session, he dialed 911 and claimed that a tyrannosaurus had … eaten him! The on call policeman sadly didn't know what a tyrannosaurus was and sent the SWAT team to help him!

JOEY: Oh my God! … So how did the guard manage to get out of the tyrannosaurus? [Rachel just looks at him trying to tell him "THINK". Joey slowly realising] … Oh … Oh… a tyrannosaurus didn't ACTUALLY eat him, right! [Rachel nods her head] … But I thought that everything was dead in the museum … how did the tyra… [Rachel stares at him with a "what the hell are you saying" look. Joey again realizes] … Oh … So … a tyrannosaurus didn't even attack him ,right!… [thinking]… What happened again?

OPENING CREDITS

[Monica's bedroom. “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls is playing. Monica is lying in bed, staring really depressed at the wall. Rachel enters slowly]

RACHE: Hi! … I figured you might be awake! [pause] … Do you mind if I come sit by you? [There's no response] Look … I'm gonna come in anyway, so you might as well try to spell out a yes!

MON: Look honey… I'm really not in the mood! I just want to sort some things out… alone.

RACHE: … O.K. Say no more. [She enters and closes the door behind her. She goes and sits beside Monica]

MON: Rache! The concept of alone, is for nobody else being in the room with me! A-l-o-n-e…

RACHE: Yes… but imagine how much better you can sort things out if you are A-l-o-n-e … with Rachel!

MON: … [Starting to break she leans herself against Rachel] What am I going to do?

RACHE: [stroking her hair] … Oh honey… Look it's just a matter of you making a decision! A decision that deep inside you I think you already know!

MON: [softly crying] …What do you mean?

RACHE: I mean that there are two guys who are crazy about you! It's just a matter of who you love!

MON: But … Chandler … practically dumped me!

RACHE: …What! That's not what happened! He just did this, because he loves you very much! He just wanted you to make a decision! The right decision!

MON: But what's the right decision?

RACHE: Your heart will give you the answer to that!

[The scene fades to black]

[Joey and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting in his chair! He looks like a real mess! Joey walks in]

JOEY: Hey!

CHAN: [Really depressed] Hey!

JOEY: Wow man! You look like a real mess [What did I tell ya!]. Did you even sleep at all last night?

CHAN: How can I sleep when I might be losing her!

JOEY: Oh man you got to do sth about that! I can't bear the sight of you!

CHAN: I'm sorry Joe! But… anyway … tell me about Annette! How is it going with her?

JOEY: Well… I'm not sure. We are in a state where we go out a lot, we hug a lot … I even kissed her once , but I'm not quite sure whether we have a relationship or not! I mean we haven’t actually sealed the agreement if you know what I mean…

CHAN: Look… let it go smoothly! If it's going to happen, it's going to happen!

JOEY: Oh… and you know what! We went to see "City of Angels" , and apparently she is crazy about Nicholas Cage! She told me she thinks he's wonderful!

CHAN: I know!

JOEY: [With a suspicious look] …What do you mean you know? … Don't tell me you think he's wonderful too!

CHAN: [Realizes what Joey is implying] …WHAT! …No …Not wonderful … maybe cool… but certainly not wonderful! I said that because … Monica … [stares aimlessly at the wall]

JOEY: … She what?

CHAN: … Monica thought he was great too!

JOEY: That strengthens my theory even more! Women love Nicholas Cage for a reason. And I think I found that reason!

CHAN: I know that later on I'm going to regret this but … please do tell!

JOEY: Trench coats!

CHAN: I'm going to my bed to sulk some more!

JOEY: NO wait! Think about it! "Kiss of Death", "Face/Off", "City of Angels", ''Superman''. Nick Cage always wears trench coats! It totally makes sense!

CHAN: [thinking]... Nick Cage has not played in any Superman film yet!

JOEY: I know ... But think how cool it would be... Superman wearing a red trench coat over his red tights!

CHAN: It sounds more like Supergay to me...

JOEY: Look the point is that i found his secret! I think that i'm right!

CHAN: So you're saying that trench coats have magical powers?

JOEY: I'm not saying that they can perform miracles! They need to be worn by the right kind of guy too! I mean let's face it they wouldn't work on you!

CHAN: A weird way of comforting me during my darkest hour!

JOEY: Sorry man ... but that's the truth!

CHAN: Look Joey... I'm sure that trench coats are not the reason why women like Nick Cage! They may be though the reason why flashers have become so poupular lately!

[Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are there cuddling in the sofa. Gunther is looking at them really evilly behind the counter. “With a little help from my friends” by The Beetles is playing. Phoebe enters.]

PHOE: Hey guys!

RACH/ROSS: Hey!

PHOE: [to Rachel] … So how is Monica?

RACHE: Still in her bed! I tried to help but I don't think I did!

PHOE: [ironically] Wow! That's strange!

RACHE: What's that supposed to mean!

PHOE: Don't take it personally honey, but you really have no clue about dealing with your own problems, let alone solve someone else's!

ROSS: [thinking]… Well she's kind of right, there!

RACHE: …WHAT!

ROSS: [trying to cover up] …Uh… That's why you should move a bit to the left Phoebe! [smiles innocently at Rachel]

PHOE: [confused] … I don't get that!

RACHE: …Anyway ,Phoebe I think you should try to talk to her too!

PHOE: … O.K. I'll talk to her! But at the state she is now … It will be really difficult finding a good subject to talk about with her!

[Monica's bedroom. Monica is in exactly the same position as before. The door opens again , but this time Phoebe enters! She doesn't say anything and goes straight to Monica and hugs her. Monica starts crying!]

MON: [between sobs] What am I going to do?

PHOE: “We can start by identifying the problem! Then we can come up with a set of actions to deal with the problem. Afterwards we can evaluate them, and find the most viable course of action to be taken!” … I read this somewhere but I don't remember where! … To tell you the truth I don't know if it even fits here. It just sounds really cool!

MON: Actually Phoebe it fits really well!

PHOE: Oh Yay!! Alright let's see! First: What is the problem? Richard and Chandler are both crazy about you! You on the other hand don't know who you want! … How am I doing so far?

MON: Well… About right! But there's also the problem of how I treated Chandler! I mean… I suspected him, wrongfully, of cheating on me. And what do I do, I go to my ex-boyfriends house and almost have sex with him.

PHOE: Well… almost doesn't really count!

MON: I mean. I treated him awfully! How can he want me back after that?

PHOE: Monica he loves you! He wouldn't even care if on your previous life you were a homicidal kid rapist! [Monica looks disgusted. Phoebe considers what she just said] … Alright maybe that was a bit too much!

MON: If he loves me, why would he risk losing me by wanting to take a break from us?[for more details on what happened between them read the previous script "The One With Joey's Poetry"]

PHOE: Because maybe he loves you more than he loves himself! Maybe he thinks that you would be happier with Richard and he would rather be miserable , if that meant you would be happy! There are a thousand maybes I'm thinking right now, but the point is that whatever the answer is, I'm sure he did it because he thought that it would be best for you.

MON: I don't know… I mean it's hard to believe that Chandler … that any man could think like that and act so selflessly!

PHOE: You really don't know how far men are willing to go some times. One time a Chinese guy offered me his left ear, in order to become his girlfriend!

[Central Perk. Rachel & Ross are still there (haven't they got anything else to do!! -Sorry). Joey enters along with Annette. He is wearing a black trench coat]

JOEY: [with a big smile] Hey guys!

ROSS/RACH: Hey Joey!

JOEY: [Beeming with pride] Guys I'd like you to meet Annette! Annette... this is two of my best friends ... this is Ross [Annette shakes Ross's hand]

ANN: Nice to meet you Ross!

ROSS: Same here!

JOEY: ... And this is Rachel

ANN: [shakes Rachel's hands] Nice to meet you too Rachel!

RACH: We've heard so much about you... I feel like i already know you!

ANN: [to Joey] What have you been telling them?

JOEY: [With a smile] ...Relax ... Nothing incriminating!

[Annette starts laughing at Joey's comment. Joey is very pleased with himself]

RACH: Don't worry Annette! Joey thinks very highly of you!

[Annette blushes at this. Joey motions to Rachel to keep quiet!]

ROSS: ...[notices Joey] Hey... Smooth trench coat man!

JOEY: [smiling proudly] I know! I just bought it! Annette loves it! ... right Annette?

ANN: [smiling] Oh ... I think he looks great! He looks like one of those FBI angents. Don't you think?

ROSS: Well I don't know... I'd say that he reminds me more of ... Nicholas Cage [smiles to himself. Rachel tries to stop herself from bursting to laughter. Joey looks very worried!]

ANN: [a bit confused] What do you mean? [looks carefully at Joey] Oh...! I think you're right! [Ross and Rachel are surprised at Annette's comment. Joey smiles to himself now.]

[Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is lying in bed; eyes wide open. He seems to be daydreaming. ''More than words '' starts playing. Suddenly we start seeing certain scenes from C&M's past! (I'm not going to start naming the different scenes between them. Try to imagine your favourite scenes from their past. For maximum effect put on ''More than Words '' , if you have it , he he :) When this montage (?) finishes, we get a shot of Chandler still with his eyes open, but this time smiling. Weakly though, but smiling nonetheless. The scene starts to fade and so does the song.]

[Cut to Monica's bedroom. Monica is still there with Phoebe, talking.]

MON: I don't know what I'm going to do! ... Phoebe you tell me...

PHOE: What ? I can't do that!

MON: But why?

PHOE: Because I took an oath to myself never to take such a huge responisbility again when it involves other people's lives. Once I was with a guy who was unable to taste anything. But he also had problems with his kidneys, which i wasn't aware of at the time.

MON: [interrupting] Phoebe! What does this have to do with anything?

PHOE: What I've told you so far has nothing to do with your problem, because my story hasn't finished yet!

MON: OK ... Go on.

PHOE: Anyway ... one day he came at my place and brought some Greek peppers, that a friend of his had given him. I couldn't eat any peppers as they were so darn hot! So i left them all for him!

MON: Is this leading anywhere?

PHOE: We would have arrived where i'm going if we didn't pull over for all those stops to answer your questions! ... Where was I ... Oh! Yeah! ... So the guy started eating a pepper. But it was so hot, that he could actually taste it a bit! He got so excited that he ate about a kilo of those! The point is that ever since that day, he has been living in his toilet and cannot leave it for even 5 minutes. [Monica is looking disgusted and confused]. So now do you see my point?

MON: [frustrated] NO!

PHOE: [disapointed] Oh no! I must have told you the wrong story!

[Cut to Chandler & Joey’s. “To the Moon and Back” by Savage Garden is playing. Rachel and Ross enter! They see that Chandler is still in his sweat pants, and is looking pretty miserable]

ROSS/RACHE: Hey!

CHAN: Hey guys!

ROSS: Have you been outside your apartment since you woke up this morning?

CHAN: No!

RACHE: You haven’t even been to your office? … It’s Wednesday if you haven’t noticed!

CHAN: Look… I just want to stay here … because … [thinking] I’m ill!

RACHE: You know … Monica is in a very bad shape!! She was crying all morning!

CHAN: [guiltily] Oh God! … I… never meant… [thinks and then with a firm voice] Look! I did the right thing! I … think … it’s for the best!

RACHE: She even told me that she thought you dumped her!

CHAN: WHAT! That’s absurd! I… I… did it for her!

RACHE: Look … I told her that you didn’t dump her and that you meant well, but that doesn’t erase the fact that she told you she wants you and then you told her that you should take a break!

CHAN: But …

ROSS: [interrupting] Look … I believe that you thought that you were doing the right thing but, I think you’re wrong! If she wants you and you want her then that’s it!

CHAN: [at first he seems to be considering what they told him but then in a firm voice] Look I don’t want to hear anymore about this! I made a choice… a good choice! You’ll see that it will be for the best! [he gets up and goes to his room]

ROSS: [to Rachel] Look honey … I better go talk to him!

RACHE: Yeah! I think you’re right! I have to go to work anyway! Today is when the last minute shopping is done, before the ball drops tomorrow. [she kisses him and exits the apartment. As she walks down the hall between the two apartments and heads for the stairs, we see that Joey was standing near the door but on the opposite direction from where Rachel was going (that’s why she didn’t see him). “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan starts playing (from the “City of Angels” OST)He is standing there in his trench coat with a very kind and sympathetic look (similar to the one Nicholas Cage had throughout the entire “City Of Angels”)]

[Cut to Monica’s bedroom. “Better Man” by Pearl Jam is playing. Phoebe and Monica are still talking]

PHOE: Listen Mon! Can you answer me this simple question… Who do you love… Chandler or Richard?

MON: I… I… Look it’s not that simple!

PHOE: It is! You are the one who complicates it more!

MON: Hey! … I would still be together with Chandler if he hadn’t said anything about taking a break!

PHOE: Yes … but would you be with him because you loved him or because you didn’t want to hurt him!

MON: I… I… [hesitantly] …love him!

PHOE: Good! Now … Do you love Richard?

MON: I… [again hesitantly] don’t know.

PHOE: How can you not know! Would you not know if an elephant was trampling all over your insides?

MON: [confused] What?

PHOE: That’s what love is like! It’s like some… [thinks] or is this how the flu is like…

MON: It seems that I’m going to have to do this by myself!

[Cut to Rachel’s work. Rachel is there with a customer. It’s a guy in his mid thirties. He is trying on a suit. Rachel seems as if she’s about to lose it!]

RACHE: [In a fake gentle voice] Look sir… This suits you really well. Unlike the other… 25 suits you’ve tried on, this one … [doesn’t know what to say] … well it’s good!

GUY: Well… yeah… [Rachel smiles with hope] … but… [Rachel’s face drops] it’s not the one that… that… … well it’s not the one!

RACHE: [trying to control herself] … Look sir… I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to buy anything!

GUY: No, no, I want to buy something. I just … Alright I’ll be honest with you! I’ve been to see “City of Angels” and… well … It’s just … I…

RACHE: [in disbelief] … You thought Nicholas Cage looked cool?

GUY: [Excited] YES! YES! He looked so cool and I wanted to look as cool as him (some people are just so pathetic…)

RACHE: [Excited] Oh! Oh! Finally!!!! I know what you want! [She runs to another room]

[Time lapse]

[The same place as before. The guy is now sporting a black trench coat over his suit! He is looking at himself in the mirror and smiling broadly! Rachel is by him also smiling.]

GUY: Yes! Oh Yeah! … Oh I look so cool [Rachel gives a “yeah right” look, but when he turns to her, she puts a wide smile in her face and gives a thumbs up!] What do you think?

RACHE: If I saw you down the street, I’d be chasing you for your autograph!

GUY: [with a smile] I know what you mean… I never looked so cool! … [his face drops ] … Unfortunately, I can’t buy it though!

RACHE: [with a horrified look] WHAT! … Why?

GUY: Well… You know… [whispering confidentially to Rachel] … I don’t really like trench coats!

[Rachel just stares at him as if she’s ready to eat him alive.]

[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom. Ross and Chandler are talking]

ROSS: Look man… it’s pretty obvious that this is tearing you apart…

CHAN: [ironically] Duh… You really think so Ross. And I could swear I was just upset because of the whole cloning debate!

ROSS: Look… My point is that you should go talk to Monica… Tell her how you really feel! She may be thinking that you don’t care enough!

CHAN: If I go talk to her now I will just mess with her head! She needs to be free from my interference now, so that she’ll make a conscious decision!

ROSS: What if she thinks that you don’t love her so much anymore, and she picks Richard based on that notion?

CHAN: [pause]… If that happens … then it will mean that she really loves Richard and not me! Listen Ross … no offence, but you’re confusing me. I think that you’d better leave. It’s getting late anyway!

ROSS: Ok I’ll Go! But just think of what I said! It would be a shame if you screwed this too! [Ross leaves. As he exits Chandler’s bedroom we see that the apartment is dark. Ross just heads for the door and leaves. The camera shows Chandler’s door. You can see a shadow standing by the door. As the camera moves closer we see that it’s Joey in his black trench coat. He has the same kind and sympathetic look as before.]

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s. Phoebe, Rachel and Ross are sitting around the kitchen table.]

ROSS: I don’t get Chandler… It’s obvious that he loves her and yet he’s determined not to do anything about it!

PHOE: Well… this kind of behavior, certainly won’t help the situation! I’ve been with Monica most of the day and she is very confused!

RACHE: Yeah! I know… Maybe we should do something!

PHOE: Ooo… Ooo… I know! A friend of mine can do Voodoo! Maybe we could like … go to him, for some kind of ritual!

[Ross and Rachel look shocked]

ROSS: Or… We could not get involved in their personal life and not make a mess of it.

RACHE: Come on Ross… We can’t just stand by and let this happen! [thinking] … Maybe we can do something tomorrow in the party for the New Year?

ROSS: Look Rache… The best way for us to help them, is to let them deal with this by themselves, without interfering.

PHOE: I agree with Rachel! We’ll do it tomorrow at the party!

ROSS: Do what?

PHOE: I’m not telling you… You’re not a part of our conspiracy!

[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom. The room is quite dark, the only light being cast by a small lamp at Chandler’s nightstand. In the background “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan starts playing again. Chandler is getting ready for bed! Suddenly you notice that in a dark corner of the room (behind Chandler) there’s a shadow. As the camera moves nearer we see that it’s Joey in his black trench coat again. He has the same look as before! Chandler now goes to bed ! He is turned to the right side of the bed. His eyes are wide open. There are black circles around his eyes. It’s obvious that he cannot sleep. Suddenly, from behind him appears an arm. It’s Joey’s, who is now beside Chandler. He tries to hug him. (Note: This scene happens exactly as the one in the “City of Angels” , where Meg Ryan is unable to sleep and Nick Cage appears and holds her and helps her sleep.) But as he tries to put his arm around Chandler, Chandler ,who until now was unaware of Joey’s presence, notices the hand. He jumps straight up with a scream. When he turns on the lights he sees that Joey is lying on his bed, still in his trench coat. Joey smiles at him and waves]

CHAN: You’ve got to be kidding me!

[Time Lapse]

[Chandler is standing looking down at Joey who is till on his bed with his trench coat]

CHAN: [sarcastically] Hey look… It’s the spirit of Christmas past also known as Joey! [Joey is smiling. Chandler seems very frustrated!] What the hell are you doing here?!?

JOEY: [defendently] I was trying to help you sleep!

CHAN: [doing his very famous double take; very frustrated] WHAT?

JOEY: Well… I figured that since Nicholas Cage could help Meg Ryan sleep, and she was a real surgeon and was very stressed and…

CHAN: [interrupting] What the hell are you talking about???

JOEY: What? … I’m just trying to help!

CHAN: Well let’s see Joe… I think that sexual harassment is not the best medicine for my case… Don’t you think Joe?

JOEY: [He stands up. He is a bit put down. He opens the bedroom’s door to leave. Under his breath.] Meg didn’t think it was harassment!

[Chandler waves his hands in an “I can’t believe what I’m hearing” motion]

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s. Everybody is gathered there except for Chandler and Monica.]

JOEY: We’ve got to do something about this!

RACHE: Thank you Joey!

ROSS: I still say NO! It’s MY sister and I have to think about what’s best for her!

PHOE: But Ross… Leaving her on her own to deal with something like this is not helping her!

ROSS: Look I made up my mind!

[suddenly we hear a voice]

MON: And I made up mine!

[They all turn and see that Monica has come out of her room]

To be concluded…