The One With the Yankees

F*R*I*E*N*D*S

(Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Rachel are on the couch. Ross is on the chair.)

Rachel: Okay, guys, it's Friday night. I say we catch a movie.

Monica: (entering from bathroom) Wow! Did you see the way those faucets shine? I was captivated. (sits down next to Rachel)

Chandler: Or we could sit here and contemplate the cleanliness of coffee shop bathrooms!

Phoebe: (running in) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

All: What? What?

Phoebe: Joey has news! Ooh!

Joey: (running in after her) Guess what I got? Guess what I got? (starts dancing)

Chandler: (indicating his dance) Please, spare us the nausea.

Rachel: What did ya get?

Joey: YANKEE TICKETS, BABY! (fans them out) Yankees Vs. Indians! Six seats, right along the third base line. So close, you can feel Scott Brosius breathin' on your neck!

Chandler: As if we haven't all already had THAT experience.

Ross: How'd you get them?

Joey: I bought 'em.

Chandler: With what money?

Joey: Oh, yea, thanks, buddy!

Rachel: So we're actually going?

Joey: Oh come on! It's the Yankees! Nothin's better than the Yanks!

Rachel: (seductively) Oh, I can think of a few things... (girls laugh)

Chandler: (whispering, to Ross) She's not talking about you.

(Opening credits)

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's. The guys, in Yankee jerseys are standing by the door, eager to leave. Monica is in the bathroom and Rachel is in her room.)

Joey: Okay, you girls know that the Bronx is not in Manhattan, right? (Chandler and Ross look at him) I mean, move it a little!

Monica: (running out of the bathroom) Okay, okay, I just have to put on my earrings.

Chandler: Mon, you're going to Yankee Stadium. I mean, unless you have earrings shaped like beer cans, no one's really gonna care too much.

Monica: (up in his face) Well, I wanna wear earrings! I wanna look nice! Is that okay with you??

Ross: Monica, I really don't think you're gonna need to...

Monica: Can I get ready now?!

Joey: Yes, please! (Monica goes in her room)

Rachel: (entering) Okay, do you guys like the blue blouse or the white t-shirt with the puffy vest?

Ross: Look, Rach, you could go naked and no one would care!

Chandler: Actually, if you're up to that, it might get us better seats.

Joey: What better seats? We're on the third base line!!

Ross: No, we wanna be on Andy Pettite's lap.

Joey: Ross, they're not gonna let you on the mound, no matter what Rachel wears!

Chandler: Where's Phoebe, anyway?

Rachel: Oh, she said she'd be here...but who cares? Blouse or vest?

Ross: How 'bout the vest with the blouse?

Rachel: Oh, eww, Ross! (goes back in her room)

Chandler: You are so uncultured.

Phoebe: (enters, wearing a yankee shirt with jeans) Hey!

Joey: Hey, Phoebe. See, (yells) SEE, GIRLS! PHEEBS KNOWS WHAT TO WEAR!!

Monica and Rachel: (from their rooms) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: Okay, if we don't leave now...

Rachel: (enters in slip) Do you want me to go like this, Ross?

Ross: Okay, change.

Joey: (smiles) How you doin'?

(Scene: Yankee Stadium. All six move down to their seats.)

Joey: Oh, my God! Look! That's Joe Girardi! Hey! Hey, Joe! (to the others) We have the same name.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: (sarcastically) Wow, you know what? I am definitely having the time of my life here...Oh, my Gosh! Who is that?

Phoebe: That's Derek Jeter. He's yummy!

Monica: I think so!

Chandler: Are you kidding? He's a scrawny...help me out here guys!

Ross: Yea, all I'm getting is scrawny here, too.

Rachel: Could you all calm down? Just because I think he's cute doesn't mean I have any hope of meeting him or even going out with...(distracted by Jeter)...I have to sit down. (sits)

Chandler: Well, I'm going to get a beer. Mon?

Monica: (looking at Jeter) Huh?

Chandler: Wanna come?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: Forget it. (walks away)

Monica: I'll be here.

Joey: Ok, so (reaches down) let's whip out the L's. (pulls out papers with big L's printed on them)

Ross: Hey, Joe, shouldn't those be K's?

Joey: No. The last game the guy was putting up K's. So, now the next letter is L.

Ross: No, Joe, it's not...

Joey: Hey, Ross, I'm no Alvin Einstein but I think I know the alphabet!

Ross: (defeated) Okay, right, I'm sorry. (sits down, next to Rachel)

Rachel: Wow, look at his butt! (looks at Ross) Oh, sorry, I thought you were Monica.

Ross: (gestures next to her) She's right there!

Rachel: Oh, (laughs) I guess I'm just a little distracted. I mean, look at him!

Ross: Oh, yea, Rach, I mean he's totally hot! (All look at him.) Just joking!

Joey: Ooh! Ooh! Here we go! Let's get these L's ready. (sticks one on his head, kind of like a loser insignia)

Ross: I'm leavin' it alone.

(Scene: The stadium snack bar. Chandler is on line for a beer. A woman approaches him.)

Woman: Excuse me? Are you a Yankee fan?

Chandler: Umm, if I wasn't, this big guy would probably jump me. (gestures to a huge guy behind him)

Guy: That's right! GO YANKS!!!

Woman: (pulls him out of line) Okay, well the reason I asked was because my boss sent me out here to find someone to throw out the first pitch. John Stamos cancelled at the last minute.

Chandler: Aww...Full House reunion?

Woman: (laughs) Probably. Oh, I'm Jenna.

Chandler: Chandler.

Jenna: Okay, so do you wanna help me out?

Chandler: Umm, okay, sure. Just one pitch, right?

Jenna: Yup, just one. Why? If it was two, then you'd melt into a puddle or explode or something?

Chandler: No, why? Has that happened before?

Jenna: No, sorry, I'm just under a lotta pressure. Come on! (grabs his hand and pulls him)

Chandler: Well, wait a sec...

Jenna: No, we have to go now!

Chandler: Okay...(to himself) They always look normal on the outside.

(Commercial)

(Scene: Yankee Stadium. All except Chandler are in the seats.)

Joey: What is taking them so long?

Rachel: Maybe they're still trying to figure out how to KILL YOU!

Phoebe: Yea, Joey, you really should stop being annoying. Like right now!

Joey: Sorry, I'm just a little excited, Pheebs.. (looks down sadly)

Phoebe: Ooh, sorry, I'm sorry. Don't be sad.

Joey: (looks up laughing) I'm not sad! It's the Yankees, BABY!!

Ross: (looking at the field) I thought Pettite was pitching.

Phoebe: Yea, who's that skinny guy?

Monica: That looks like Chandler! (All laugh hysterically, then gasp.)

Ross: Oh, my God!! It is Chandler!

Rachel: No...

Loudspeaker: Now, throwing out the first pitch of our game, Mr. Chandler Bong.

Joey: See? It's Chandler Bong, not Bing!

Phoebe: What is he doing down there?

Joey: Pheebs, he's throwing out the first pitch. You have to listen! (to the field) HURRY UP! I GOT L'S UP HERE JUST WAITING TO BE PUT UP!!!

Man: (to Joey) Excuse me? They're K's, not L's.

Joey: (to Ross) These people are really bad with the alphabet!

(Scene: On the field. Chandler is by the dugout.)

Jenna: Okay, just go out there, throw the ball and get the hell off. We got some weird guy along the third base line yelling something about L's and he's scaring the crap outta the Indians.

Chandler: Okay, I'll just throw it.

Jenna: That's right. So go!

Andy Pettite: Hey, can you hurry it up? My arm is starting to cramp up.

Jenna: (pushing him) Go! Go!

Chandler: Okay! Jeez!

Andy: (whispers) Don't worry. She's mentally imbalanced.

Chandler: Yea, I noticed.

Andy: But you do have to go, now.

Chandler: Oh, right. (to himself, walking to the mound) Okay, how hard can this be? It's one pitch. Just one pitch. (looks around) Could there BE anymore people here? Okay, calm down. Let's just do it.

(Scene: Seats.)

Rachel: Wow!

Ross: Okay, Rachel, we get it. Jeter's hot! We all think he's God's gift, so just let it go.

Rachel: Actually I was just gonna say how amazing this stadium is, but if you have issues Ross, then...

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! Chandler's going!

Joey: It's not him, Pheebs! Oh, wait, yes it is. Chandler Bong is taller than that.

Ross: Okay, if anyone has issues, it's him.

Monica: He looks so scared. Aww! Come on, Chandler! Do it for me...and all the rest of us, too.

Phoebe: He has a weird pitching stance.

Ross: Oh, here he goes. (The whole stadium erupts into laughter.) Oh, that didn't go well.

(Cut to: Central Perk. All are there)

Monica: Chandler, it wasn't that bad.

Chandler: Are you kidding? Girardi actually had to walk six feet to pick it up. I made a huge fool out of myself in front of a stadium full of thousands of people.

Joey: But look on the bright side! I got this ball, signed by Chuck Knoblauch!

Rachel: What does that say anyway?

Joey: I don't know. I can't read it. (tosses it to Ross)

Ross: It says..(laughs)

Rachel and Monica: What?!

Ross: It says, "A strikeout is not an L, you crazy, crazy freak!"

Joey: Well, now it's an M! Am I the only one who knows the alphabet in this city??

(Commercial)

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is sitting on the couch, watching a Yankee game.)

Rachel: Oh, my gosh! I mean, look at him! He is so, so, just...oh!

Monica: (yelling from her room) Rach, it's two in the morning? Will you turn that tape off and go to bed?

Rachel: How can you sleep when this man exists?

Monica: Like this: (makes snoring noises)

Rachel: (rewinding tape on remote) Not me, sister! One more time!

(End.)