Written by: Kathryn
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.
(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. Phoebe is putting fairy lights round the TV, and Rachel is sitting there watching, looking miserable)
PHOE: Doesn't this look cool? And so pretty! Even…(thinks) a really ugly person would look great on this TV!
RACH(bitter): Like Ross?
PHOE: Maybe not Ross.
(Monica & Chandler enter, and Chandler has his arm round Monica)
MON/CHAN: Hey!
RACH: Great. It's Pinky and Perky.
PHOE: Hey you guys! You look happy!
MON: Well, that's because it's almost Christmas. Our first Christmas together. (Chandler squeezes her) Ow.
CHAN: Also, we've gotta go for a scan. Doctor said we could find out the sex of the baby if we want!
RACH: Oh goody. Have fun. Bye.
MON: Rach! What's the matter?
RACH: Do you have to ask?
MON: Oh, is this about Ross?
CHAN: You know, that's what I love about you. (sarcastic) You always know what's wrong with people. Even though they called you last night and talked for hours when we could have been watching Sleepless in Seattle.
PHOE: I love that movie!
CHAN: Well, last night all I saw was Sleepless Chandler in New York Because Monica Wouldn't Get Off The Phone.
PHOE: Oh, I've been meaning to see that since it came out!
MON: Chandler?
CHAN: What?
MON: I love you, but shut the hell up.
CHAN: Sorry. I just like watching that movie with you.
MON: Aw. (she grins)
CHAN: I gotta go to work, but I'll see you later. (he kisses her) And you. (he kisses her tummy) I'll meet you at the hospital at 3, right?
MON: Okay.
CHAN: And remember, we don't care about the sex, right? Boy or girl!
MON: Right.
CHAN: Okay, bye.
RACH: Bye already!
MON: Bye, honey.
(They kiss again, and Chandler leaves)
PHOE: Don't you care about the sex of the baby, Mon?
MON: Well, between you and me-
RACH: And me. I may be a bitch right now, but I'm still here.
MON: Well, don't tell Chandler, but I'm kinda rooting for a girl. (she looks awkward) I mean, I'd be thrilled if it were a boy, but…Well, Rach, you know the dream right?
RACH: Yeah. Uh, meet a hot guy from a foreign land- you kinda blew it there, Mon, uh, have an expensive wedding then a kid- blew it there too, and the kid would be a little girl. Is that right?
MON: Yep.
PHOE: Wow, you lost out! Instead of a hot guy from a foreign land, you got Chandler, an average looking guy (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Matthew is gorgeous- please don't send me any complaints- it's only Phoebe's opinion!) from here. You're not even married. God, what a loss!
(Monica looks awkward)
OPENING CREDITS
(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's, later that afternoon. Rachel is wrapping gifts badly)
RACH: I hate wrapping! Ugh!
(Ross enters, with a present)
ROSS: Hey.
(Rachel turns around, really angry)
RACH: Go away.
ROSS: I just came to give you your present.
RACH: I don't want it. I didn't get you anything. Well, I did, but I think I accidentally torched it. Oh well.
ROSS: Rach, look. I'll leave your present on the counter, okay? I understand if you don't wanna talk to me. (he waits to see if Rachel says anything, but she continues to ignore him) I'm going now. (nothing from Rachel. Ross opens the door) I'm leaving. Right now. Yep, yep. Bye. (He walks out the door) I'm gone.
(He leaves, just as Joey is entering)
(Ross and Joey say hey to eachother)
JOEY: Hey Rachel!
(Rachel turns around)
RACH: Oh! Hi Joey! You know, you can't really be here, I'm wrapping presents.
JOEY: Oh. What d'ya get me?
RACH: You'll have to wait!
JOEY: Hey, what was up with Ross? He looked totally beat.
RACH: That's probably because I'm not talking to him.
JOEY: Why?
RACH: Joey! You know why!
JOEY: You still haven't made up? (notices the present on the counter) Ooh, present!
RACH: You can have it. It's from Ross, he got it for me but I don't want it.
JOEY: Cool! (he grabs it) Look, Rach, I only came round to see if the duck was here. Is he?
RACH: No. I haven't seen him.
JOEY: Okay, bye. Think about what I said.
RACH: What did you say?
JOEY: I dunno. Just think about it.
RACH: Bye Joey.
JOEY: Bye.
(He leaves)
(SCENE: Chandler & Monica's. The whole gang are there, minus Chandler and Monica- aren't the others cheeky!- and Rachel is trying to stay as far from Ross as possible. Right now she is by the window and Ross is on the far chair)
(Ross walks upto her)
ROSS: Hey.
(Rachel walks away)
RACH: Oh, look at that! I moved again! I must be running away from things again! (she sits down, and Ross sits at the kitchen table, dejected)
(Chandler & Monica enter, all happy still)
PHOE: Hey! How was the scan?
CHAN: Great.
JOEY: So, what's it gonna be?
ROSS: Yeah! Am I gonna have a niece or a nephew?
RACH: C'mon! Don't hold out on us…3!
MON: What about Ross? (remembers Rachel isn't talking to him) Oh yeah.
CHAN: You really wanna know?
ALL: Of course!
MON(to Chandler): Shall we tell them?
ALL: Yes!
CHAN: Okay, okay. We asked the doctor, and it's going to be a little-
(The phone rings)
MON: I better get that. Mum said she was gonna phone.
ROSS: That doesn't sound like you!
RACH: Yeah, well, Ross, when you were being mean to me, that didn't sound like you! Maybe it's a Gellar thing!
MON/CHAN: Hey!
RACH: Sorry.
ROSS: Y'know Rachel! I have tried to be nice to you, b-
RACH: Well, that makes a change!
ROSS: And you've just been a total bitch to me, so now I'm not gonna bother trying anymore!
RACH: Fi-
MON: Shutup!! (quieter) I'm trying to answer the phone. (she does so) Hello? (pause) Oh, hey dad! (pause) Everything's fine. (pause) Uh huh. (pause) He's fine. (pause) And so is she, yeah. (pause) Okay. Send my love to mum. (pause) I'll do that. I will. (pause) Yes, I'll get Chandler to kiss her for you. (pause) Okay, bye. Bye. (she hangs up)
JOEY: Kiss who? I'll do it!
MON: The baby.
CHAN: Oh, I'll do it now. (he kisses her tummy, then her)
PHOE: Wait! You said kiss her for me! Is it a girl?
(Monica and Chandler smile)
ROSS: It's a girl! I'm gonna have a niece! Wait, how did dad know?
MON: We called mum in the car after the scan.
JOEY: Wow! A little girl! What are you gonna call her?
CHAN: We haven't thought about that.
JOEY: How about Yasmine? After Bleeth!
CHAN: I like that…
MON: No! No way are we calling our baby after some woman that runs up and down a beach all day! No!
CHAN: Okay, Mon. What do you wanna call it? Spatula?
MON: Ha ha. Very funny. I don't know what to call her. I guess I always liked-
RACH: Caitlin. We both did. We agreed that if we both had a girl we'd call one Caitlin and the other Britney.
MON: But Britney was my favourite!
RACH: Monica? Britney Bing. I don't think so.
CHAN: Hey! What's wrong with my last name?
PHOE: Nothing. It's great!
JOEY: If you're a doorbell.
CHAN: Shutup Joey!
ROSS: Well, I think Caitlin is really pretty.
PHOE: So do I!
MON: Me too. What d'ya say, Chandler? Caitlin?
CHAN: Unless we think of something better, sure. I really like it. It's a great name.
RACH: So that's it? Caitlin Bing? No middle name?
JOEY: Hey, what about Marie?
MON: Why Marie?
JOEY: Cos then it'll be Caitlin Marie. Chandler and Monica. Caitlin and Marie.
ROSS: That'd be cool!
RACH: No, it sucks.
JOEY: Hey!
RACH: No, it only sucks when Ross says it.
ROSS: Look, why don't you just shutup?
RACH: I will! When you learn to speak to people nicely!
ROSS: I do! Remember, I apologised! You're the one being a baby!
RACH: Yeah, well that's rich coming from you!
ROSS: I don't have to take this. See ya later!
(He storms out, and there is a silence)
JOEY: Well, it could be worse.
CHAN(disbelief): How could it be worse?
JOEY: I dunno. Just trying to lighten the mood.
(SCENE: Central Perk. Joey is with Chandler, and Joey has the present that Ross gave Rachel. He is tearing it open)
CHAN: What is it?
JOEY: Um, (he tears off the last piece of wrapping paper, and reveals a box. He opens it and there is a Y-chain in there, with a diamond on either side of the "Y" and three diamonds on the "Y")
CHAN: Wow! That must have cost him a lot of money.
JOEY: Yeah, you know it's a nice thought, but I don't think I'll wear it.
CHAN: Jo, he got it for Rachel, remember?
JOEY: Oh. Yeah. Do you think we should show her?
CHAN: No! I can give that to Monica! (pause) Uh, I mean, of course we should show her!
JOEY: You are absolutely right. (Rachel comes through the door) Oh, look here she is! Gotta go! (he throws the box at Chandler, then runs out)
RACH: Hey Chandler! Whatcha got there?
CHAN(slowly): Uh, my present for Monica. Say, Rachel, as a woman of fashion, what do you think? (he shows her)
RACH: Oh my god! It's gorgeous! How much did this cost you?
(Chandler sits there, looking totally baffled)
CHAN: Well, uh, I can't tell you.
RACH: Why not?
CHAN: I…I don’t know.
RACH(disbelief, amused): You don't know? How can you not know?
CHAN: Because it's not mine, and it's not for Monica. It's for you.
RACH: For me? Who from?
CHAN: Uh, Ross. Ross got it for you.
RACH: Ross bought me this? Are you kidding? This must have cost him a bomb. (pause) I gotta go talk to him. Excuse me.
(She rushes out)
CHAN: That's no problem. You're welcome. I'm all alone. Talking to myself. Huh.
(SCENE: Ross & Joey's. Ross is alone, depressed. There's a knock at the door- who could it be? I wonder!)
(Ross opens the door, to find Rachel)
ROSS: Rach! What are you doing here?
RACH: I came to, uh, thank you. For the present.
ROSS: You did?
RACH: Yeah. It was really nice.
ROSS: I'm glad you liked it.
(There's a silence, and suddenly Ross leans in to kiss Rachel. At first, she goes to kiss him back, but she pushes him off)
RACH: Ross! You don't learn do you?
ROSS: Rachel, I thought y-
RACH: You thought wrong. I better go.
ROSS: Rachel! Stop doing this!
RACH: Sorry Ross, but I can't be with you. I love the present and everything, but you can't just kiss me and expect me to forget everything!
ROSS: Sorry.
RACH: I need some time. Bye.
ROSS: Bye.
(She leaves)
ROSS(to himself): Bye Rach.
(END SCENE: Chandler & Monica's. Monica & Phoebe are there, and Phoebe has just given Monica a little bag)
PHOE: I know it's a while yet, but I had to buy this!
(Monica pulls out a little all-in-one that is shaped like Winnie The Pooh)
MON: Aw! Thanks Phoebs!
(They hug)
PHOE: I got it from this shop that sells cursed stuff. (Monica drops
the all-in-one) But the good news is that was half price!
MON: Oh. (unsure) Well, thanks Phoebe.
PHOE(genuine): That's no problem!
END