Written By: jbaghenry
(NOTE: The
characters in this script do not belong to me and were created by David Crane & Marta
Kauffman)
When this
script was written, The One Where Ross Dates a Student was the latest episode.
This is my
first fanfic, let me know what you think. Email me at: jbaghenry@yahoo.com
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is lying in bed smiling, Chandler is asleep, snoring.]
Monica: (waking
Chandler up) Hey, Chandler. Chandler. (he’s still asleep) Chandler! Chandler!!!
Chandler: (waking
up) Bah!
Monica: Sorry,
honey.
Chandler: (half
asleep) What’s wrong? What is it?
Monica: I
was just thinking about the future, y’know? I was thinking about Ben and then I got
to thinking about that cute little boy down the street, y’know what I’m talking
about?
Chandler: Statutory
rape?
Monica: Eww!
No! I was talking about having a child.
Chandler: So
you want to kidnap Ben or the boy down the street?
Monica: Okay,
forget it. I can’t talk to you about this. (turns to the other side in the bed)
Chandler: Okay,
Mon I’m sorry. Is it that you want to have a child?
Monica: Yeah.
It’s just that, for some reason, I get the feeling that you don’t want a child,
y’know? I feel like I keep picking the non-committing type of guys.
Chandler: No
Mon, it’s just that, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of not being a good enough
father.
Monica: Oh,
c’mon. You’ll be a terrific father.
Chandler: Yeah,
I guess your right. (they lye back down) Although, we could also put a bid on that kid
down the street who’s already had decent parenting and raise him. (Monica hits him
with the pillow)
OPENING CREDITS
(COMMERICIAL)
[Scene:
Joey’s apartment, he’s sitting in his chair while Ross is at the counter reading
a magazine.]
Joey: Oh,
those Titans are really something, aren’t they?
Ross: Yeah,
the Titans lost buddy.
Joey: (shocked)
What? When did this happen?
(Phoebe
enters.)
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Hey,
Pheebs.
Phoebe: (glum)
Yeah, right.
Ross: What’s
wrong, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well,
I don’t know, (sits down) it’s probably just that I just found out that I’m
a habitual liar.
Joey: What?
You’re a habitual liar?
Phoebe: No.
Of course not.
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: See!
Ross: C’mon,
Pheebs, I have known you for the longest time, you have never lied.
Phoebe: Well,
how do you know? Maybe I was lying. I mean, I never told you about the time I kissed
Carol.
Ross: What?
You kissed Carol?!
Phoebe: No,
I didn’t. See, I’m just a maniac.
Joey: Phoebe,
why do you think you’re a habitual liar?
Phoebe: Well,
you see, I just figure, y’know. My dad lied to me when I met him, my mom lied to me
about my dad, and my birth mom lied to me before I got to know her. Don’t you see the
patterns? It’s in the genes!
Ross: Just
because they lied to you about a couple of things doesn’t mean they were habitual
liars.
Phoebe: Well,
just shut up, oh God, I hate you, Ross!
Ross: Are
you lying again?
Phoebe: Yes.
(they hug)
Joey: Oh,
what are we gonna do for Chandler’s birthday?
Ross: Well,
Monica’s going to take him out to dinner, y’know for like a casual dinner
birthday and then when they get back, (gets all worked up) we’re all going to be
there and yell ‘surprise!’ (jumps up) Wow! I’m so excited!
Phoebe: Yeah,
you so have a life.
Chandler: (entering)
Hello, children.
Ross and
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey,
buddy, how’s it goin’? Oh, happy birthday by the way.
Chandler: Thank
you. Well, I just picked up somethin’ that will make someone really happy. (pulls out
a box and reveals a ring)
Phoebe: Oh!
Ross: Oh
my God!
Joey: Oh,
I don’t know. I would’ve been happier if you would’ve picked me up that Sports
Illustrated I wanted you to get.
Chandler: It’s
not for you, Joey. It’s a wedding ring, I’m going to give it to Monica…
Joey: (interrupting)
What does she need a wedding ring for?
Chandler: No!
I’m going to propose to Monica tonight.
Joey: Ohhh!
Oh my God, that makes a lot more sense.
Phoebe: (looking
at the ring) Oh that is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. How many boxes of Frosted
Flakes did it take you to find that piece of crap!
(Chandler looks
at Ross for an explanation.)
Ross: (points
to Phoebe) Habitual liar.
Chandler: Oh.
(weirdly) Thank you, Phoebe.
(Phoebe
smiles.)
Ross: Oh
my God, where did you get good taste in diamonds?
Chandler: Well,
I’ve just always… okay, Rachel helped me pick it out, but I chose the
color of the box.
Joey: So,
man, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Well,
I was thinking, y’know, that I would take Monica to that great Mexican place
and…
Rachel: (entering
with Monica) Hi, everybody. What’s…(sees the ring) Whoa!!! (she shoves Monica
back into the hall and closes the door, locking it) (whispering) Oh my God, Chandler, put
that away.
Ross: (whispering)
Did Monica see it?
Chandler: (whispering)
No, but probably because Rachel’s elbow was shoving her right in the face.
Rachel: (whispering)
Well, I couldn’t let her see it. Don’t you want the proposal to be special?
Monica: (from
the hall, knocking) Hello?!
Rachel: (whispering;
to Chandler) Put it away. (he does so and she opens the door)
Monica: What
was that?
Rachel: Oh,
nothing, it’s just, it’s just… we were playing hide and go seek and you
were supposed to wait in the hall and count while we hid. Damn, I guess you found us. You
are good! (Monica gives her a weird look)
Chandler: (whispering
to Ross) She may have good taste in rings, but man she’s always sucked at covering.
[Scene: Central
Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey are present when Rachel enters.]
Ross: Hey,
Rach.
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Uh, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Remember
when I asked you if you wanted to go to a movie with me and you said ‘yes.’
Phoebe: Oh,
yeah.
Rachel: Well,
where the hell have you been I’ve been waiting at the movie theater for, like, a half
and hour.
Phoebe: Oh,
sorry, I guess I forgot to tell you.
Rachel: Tell
me what?
Phoebe: Well,
I seem to be a habitual liar.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Okay,
Phoebe thinks that because her parents lied to her about so many things that she’s
inherited that gene.
Rachel: Oh
well, y’know, it figures. Just when I feel that ‘ooh, Phoebe is acting normal
this week,’ something happens.
Phoebe: (angry)
Do you know what, Rachel? (Rachel glares at her) Your hair looks lovely today.
Rachel: (smiling)
Oh, really thanks, you see I…(realizes she’s lying)
Joey: Come
on Pheebs, just see a shrink or somethin’, I betcha this whole thing is just in your
head. You should go see my shrink, Dr. Ritter.
Ross: You
see a shrink?
Joey: Well,
not as much as I used to. I started going to him after I got fired off Days of Our
Lives. Man, I used to talk to him all the time. Well, until he said that I’m the
kind of person he can only talk to once a month, now I only see him on the second Monday
of the month. That is, unless he still has the mocherazian flu.
(They all stare
at him.)
Phoebe: Wow,
you are so smart.
Joey: (smiles)
Thanks, Pheebs. I know. (looks proud of himself)
Rachel: So,
does anyone else want to go to a movie?
Ross: Sorry,
Rach, I have to be heading out to pick up Ben. (starts to get up)
Joey: Yeah,
and I’ve got an audition. Hey, what do you think? I’m trying out for Man #3.
Sounds like a huge role.
Rachel: Okay,
go get ‘em Joe. Hey Ross, are you still seeing Elizabeth?
Ross: Yeah,
she’s just out in Albany visiting her sister for the weekend.
(Ross smirks,
does the fist hand-signal thing and he and Joey leave.)
Phoebe: Well,
I outta be heading off to see that Dr. Ritter guy. (gets up)
Rachel: You’re
not lyin’ are ya?
Phoebe: Y’know
what? Sometimes I’m not even sure myself anymore. (as she’s about to leave
Monica enters) Hey, Mon, I’m going to a basketball game.
Monica: Good
for you, Phoebe. (Phoebe exits as she goes up to Rachel) Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hey,
Mon, oh, did you ask Chandler to dinner for our surprise party?
Monica: Well,
actually, he already asked me before I had chance to ask him. Oh well, birthday boy gets
his way.
Rachel: (smiling)
Yeah.
Monica: But
I kind of have a birthday surprise for him. (excited) I’m going to ask him something
really huge.
Rachel: (realizing)
Oh my God, Monica, you can’t do this. I mean, he’s the man, you’ll just
make him feel bad if you ask.
Monica: Well,
I think I have the very right to ask, I mean it is my body?
Rachel: What?
Monica: Yeah.
I’m going to ask Chandler tonight to be the father of my baby.
Rachel: (shocked)
Whoa! Oh my God! Okay, yeah, he will not be expecting that.
Monica: I
know, it will be a great birthday surprise. What do you think?
Rachel: This
is huge!
Monica: I
know.
Rachel: Um,
no, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Monica: You
don’t?
Rachel: It’s
just that maybe you should listen to what he has to say first.
Monica: Huh?
Okay, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. What do you mean listen to
what he has to say first?
Rachel: Um,
well, maybe birthday boy got a present for you too, y’know?
Monica: Like
what?
Rachel: Like…
well, like… so, what are you gonna name it if it’s a girl?
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s, Chandler is watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show and is
singing and dancing to it.]
Chandler: (singing)
…but by night I’m one hell of a lover. I’m just a sweet transvestite
from Transexual, Transylvania ha…(sees Ross and Ben have entered) ha. Hello Ross,
hi Ben. (he quickly turns off the TV)
Ross: Hello
Mr. Furter. Okay, I just wondered if I could leave Ben with you a couple of minutes so
that I can go pick up a book.
Chandler: With
me? You’re leaving Ben with me?
Ross: Yeah.
Why? Is it okay?
Chandler: Yeah
I guess.
Ross: I
just figured it would be good practice for when you have your own kids.
Chandler: Oh
man, not you too.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well,
Monica kept hinting to me last night about having a baby and I just keep having doubts.
Like not being a good father, y’know.
Ross: Well,
I gotta admit, it is hard picturing you as a father, and I know you can’t feel it
now, but I gotta tell ya it all changes when you see your kid being born. You look into
it’s eyes knowing it’s apart of you, it’s just great.
Chandler: Thanks
a lot for your advice, Father Samuels. (shakes his hand)
Ross: Although,
I wouldn’t be surprised if the kid may develop deep trauma by being made fun of by
his Dad. (to Ben) Now Ben, if he starts picking on you just one swift kick in the leg and
he’ll back off like that. (Ben laughs)
[Scene: San
Pedro’s Mexican Cuisine, Monica and Chandler are seated at a table by the kitchen.]
Chandler: Sorry
about this table. I didn’t think to make reservations.
Monica: Oh,
Chandler, don’t worry about it. All that matters is that I’m here with you. (a
waiter leaves the kitchen, whacking her in the arm with the door)
Waiter: Again,
I am so sorry.
Chandler: Oh,
God, this was supposed to be the most romantic night ever.
Monica: Oh,
come on, I should be the one feeling bad. It’s your birthday, I’m sorry honey,
happy birthday. At least I’ll have the bruise to remember this by. (she rubs her arm)
Chandler: Anything
you want for dessert, I promise.
Monica: (holding
her arm) Ice.
Chandler: Okay,
I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but I have something to ask you.
Monica: Oh,
that’s great because I kinda have something to ask you too.
Chandler: Really?
Okay, you go first.
Monica: Well…
I think I’ll just come right out and say it. Chandler, (he takes a sip of his wine)
will you be the father of my baby? (he spits the wine out all over her dress, making her
jump up) Oh, God! (sitting down) So, was that a ‘yes’?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: San
Pedro’s Mexican Cuisine, continued from earlier, Chandler is still sitting at the
table, shocked.]
Monica: So,
what do you think?
Chandler: Well,
I didn’t see that one coming.
Monica: Well,
it’s a great surprise. (scared) Happy birthday. So, do you have an answer?
Chandler: Okay,
Mon, I love you more than anything in the world and this is a really big commitment. I
guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll have to think about it.
Monica: Okay,
you think about it. So, what is it you wanted to ask me?
Chandler: (thinking)
Um, uh, yeah, uh, will you… pass the bread?
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s, the gang and other party guests are at the surprise party waiting for
Chandler and Monica to arrive.]
Ross: So,
Pheebs, did you see that doctor guy today?
Phoebe: No,
his office was closed today, but the receptionist said he’ll be back tomorrow.
Ross: Oh,
you’re not lying, are ya?
Phoebe: No.
Wait, I mean yes!
(Ross is
totally confused.)
Rachel: (coming
up to them) You guys, you have no idea what Monica’s going to do tonight.
Phoebe: Damn,
too bad Chandler’s not here, he’s always so good at this game.
Rachel: Monica’s
going to ask Chandler to be the father of her baby.
Ross: Oh
my God!
Joey: Whoa!
That’s huge! So, they’re going to get married and have a baby? This is great!
It’s like with Ross and Carol only with them it was get a divorce and have a baby.
Ross: Why
am I always the easiest target?
Joey: Hey,
you guys know what I just realized? This may be the first wedding that we have had where
something weird won’t happen.
(They all look
up and think.)
Ross: Huh,
he actually has a point there. Let’s see, Rachel and Barry, me and Emily, and me and
Rachel…
Rachel: Gee,
I suddenly feel like that you and me really suck at marriage.
Phoebe: Ooh,
wait a minute! Ross, what about yours and Carol’s? That was pretty normal.
Ross: Yeah,
except six years later it was Carol and Susan’s.
Joey: Hey
you guys, I bet you twenty bucks that Richard will run in the middle of the wedding and
ruin it.
Rachel: Okay,
you’re on. (they shake hands)
Party Guest:
Hey, everybody, they’re coming.
All: Ooh!
Oh, they’re coming!
(They shut off
the lights as Chandler and Monica enter, the lights come back on.)
All: Surprise!
(Monica and
Chandler both have solemn looks on their faces.)
Chandler: (solemn)
Hi.
Monica: (solemn)
Hey.
Chandler: (speechless)
Um, wuh, yuh, uh…
Monica: Say
‘yes’ to what?
Rachel: Well
to…
Chandler: (stopping
her) Shh…sha.
Phoebe: Ask
you to marry him.
Monica: What?
(looks at Chandler who’s scared at first and then bursts out laughing)
Chandler: (laughing)
Don’t you see? It’s Phoebe, remember? Phoebe is the habitual liar. Of course.
She lies all the time. Lies, lies, lies. Come on Pheebs, of course your lying.
Phoebe: (thinking)
I don’t think so. Oh my God, it’s totally taking over my brain. God, I
don’t know anything anymore!
Monica: Rachel,
is it true?
Rachel: Um,
uh, uh… no?
Monica: Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah,
it’s true.
Monica: (to
Chandler) You were going to ask me to marry you? Well, why didn’t you?
Chandler: Well,
hon, sweetheart, uh… I was going to save it for your birthday.
Monica: My
birthday was last month.
Chandler: Damn.
Monica: Okay,
forget it. I don’t even want to see you right now. (she heads towards her room; to
the party guests) Well, I hope you all enjoyed the party. (she goes into her room and
slams the door)
(Chandler sits
down on the couch with the others and puts his hands over his head.)
Joey: Hey,
buddy.
Chandler: What?
Joey: (singing)
Happy birthday to you, happy… C’mon everybody, join in.
All: Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chandler…(they put a party hat on a less than
enthused Chandler) Happy birthday to you!
[Scene: Central
Perk, all present except Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: I
can’t believe it. I mean that was like the worst birthday party ever!
Ross: Well
it could’ve been worse, we could’ve thrown all of the guests off the balcony.
Phoebe: Well,
Ross, it didn’t get much better when you accidentally threw the cake on top of him.
Ross: Hey,
I didn’t throw it, it fell. Monica just waxed the floors, it was slippery.
Joey: Man,
this whole thing really sucks. First, Monica and Chandler’s fight and then a get a
call this morning saying I didn’t get the role of Man #3.
Rachel: Joey,
how could you not get Man #3?
Joey: I
don’t know, maybe it’s because I accidentally hit on the director.
Rachel: You
accidentally hit on the director?
Joey: Hey,
it wasn’t my fault she got something in her eye. I thought she winked.
Chandler: (entering,
depressed) Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: Hey,
man.
Ross: Hey,
ooh, did the frosting get out of your hair?
Chandler: Yes
it did, but it was just nice having leftovers on my pillow this morning.
Rachel: So,
how are things with you and Mon?
Chandler: Couldn’t
get any worse. Man, I just wish she would talk to me. This morning she made me breakfast.
Ross: Oh,
that’s nice.
Chandler: Which
she served on my lap. Let me tell you something there is nothing worse than hot waffles
down there when all you have is a robe on.
Joey and
Ross: (hurt) Ooh!
Phoebe: Well,
Chandler I think this is all just for the best. I think it’s great! You should just
walk out on that bitch and go cruisin’ right now looking for some other girl just
waiting to get some Channy lovin’. (he stares at her) Okay, I’m going’ to
go see that psychiatrist right now. (gets up) Bye everybody. (leaves)
All: Bye
Pheebs.
Chandler: Y’know
what? Lying or not, I think she’s got a point.
Rachel: C’mon,
you know that’s not true. Chandler, face it, you guys are in love. Don’t you
love her?
Chandler: Yes,
I love her.
Rachel: Well,
then what I suggest you to do is to go down there and tell her that.
Chandler: You’re
right. I’m going to do that. (gets up and starts to walk out, but sees Phoebe sitting
at a table by the door) Phoebe, I thought you said you were going to go see that shrink.
Phoebe: Fine!
Just quit pushing me!
[Scene: Dr.
Ritter’s office, Phoebe is lying on his couch as he is talking to her.]
Dr. Ritter: So,
Phoebe, you have come to see me today because you think you’re (reads his sheet) a
habitual liar. Is that correct?
Phoebe: Yes.
No. Wait, I mean yes. No waitwaitwaitwaitwait, it’s no.
Dr. Ritter: Okay.
I’ll just take that as a yes. Okay, now Phoebe, why do you think you’re a
habitual liar?
Phoebe: Well,
it just makes since, y’know? I mean, all three of my parents were all liars.
Dr. Ritter: (confused)
All three of your parents?
Phoebe: Yeah,
my father lied to my mother, my mother lied to me about my mom, and my mom lied to me
about her being my mom.
Dr. Ritter: (rubbing
his face) You’re a friend of Joey Tribbiani’s aren’t you? Okay, um, Phoebe
I think that you just feel bad that you were lied to as a child that you’ve created
this image in your head that you are a liar also.
Dr. Ritter: Is
it a memory from your childhood, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No
no, it’s something from last Thursday. (thinking) I was walking down the street when
this guy came up to me and asked where the park was and I said to go straight down the
street and turn left, but it was really a turn right. (opening her eyes) That’s
probably why I started thinking I was a habitual liar. Okay, it makes since now. (gets up)
Thanks doc, I’m cured.
Dr. Ritter: (dumbfounded)
No problem.
Phoebe: Ooh,
ooh, but my two friends Monica and Chandler really have a problem, do you think you could
set an appointment for them?
Dr. Ritter: Um,
um, I would but, but… I just remembered that I’m am going to be in…(thinks)
Tibet… for the next two months. I’m so sorry.
Phoebe: Oh,
too bad.
Dr. Ritter: Oh,
don’t forget to tell Joey that!
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s, Monica is reading a book when Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: So,
what are ya readin’?
Monica: Fifteen
Ways to Kill Your Spouse Without Getting Convicted.
Chandler: Okay,
c’mon. I’m sorry, okay honey. Can’t we just talk about this?
Monica: Okay,
fine. (puts her book down) So, why didn’t you propose?
Chandler: I
don’t know. I guess I was just scared, okay? I mean, after you laid that whole baby
thing on me, I guess this realization just poured over me. It was like, okay, first comes
love then comes marriage, then comes Chandler pushin’ the baby carriage.
Monica: Yeah,
I know, except it’s different. It will be both of us pushing the baby carriage.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Well,
c’mon, I mean, isn’t this good? We did the dating thing, then the moving in
thing, and now we can take it to the next level.
Chandler: Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you’re right. There is nobody I’d love to have my baby with more
than you. Well, I guess then what I’m saying is, Monica, I would be honored to be the
father of your baby.
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Oh
my God! (they kiss)
Chandler: And
I’m also saying this. (he gets down on one knee and takes the ring out) Monica
Geller, will you be my wife?
Monica: (leaning
down with him) Chandler, don’t call me that. Call me Monica Bing. (he puts the ring
on her finger and they kiss passionately) So, do you wanna get a head start on that baby
thing?
Chandler: You
know it!
(They both run
to the bedroom)
CLOSING
CREDITS
[Scene: Dr.
Ritter’s office, Dr. Ritter is looking at some of his papers when Joey enters.]
Dr. Ritter: (shocked)
Joey!
Joey: Hey,
doc. I’m sorry I came without an appointment but I really need to talk to you.
Dr. Ritter: (frustrated)
Okay, what is it Joey?
Joey: (lying
on his couch) Well, you see, I am a habitual hitter.
Dr. Ritter: What?
Do you mean that you punch people?
Joey: No,
I, without my own control, hit on extremely hot blondes!
Dr. Ritter: (rubbing
his face) Okay, Joey, I’m sorry, but I really got to go. (starts to leave)
Joey: Where are you going?
Dr. Ritter: (holding his head) I
need aspirin!
END