Written By: jbaghenry
(NOTE: The characters in this script do not belong to me and were created by David Crane & Marta Kauffman)
When this script was written, The One Where Ross Dates a Student was the latest episode.
This is my first fanfic, let me know what you think. Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, Monica is lying in bed smiling, Chandler is asleep, snoring.]
Monica: (waking Chandler up) Hey, Chandler. Chandler. (hes still asleep) Chandler! Chandler!!!
Chandler: (waking up) Bah!
Monica: Sorry, honey.
Chandler: (half asleep) Whats wrong? What is it?
Monica: I was just thinking about the future, yknow? I was thinking about Ben and then I got to thinking about that cute little boy down the street, yknow what Im talking about?
Chandler: Statutory rape?
Monica: Eww! No! I was talking about having a child.
Chandler: So you want to kidnap Ben or the boy down the street?
Monica: Okay, forget it. I cant talk to you about this. (turns to the other side in the bed)
Chandler: Okay, Mon Im sorry. Is it that you want to have a child?
Monica: Yeah. Its just that, for some reason, I get the feeling that you dont want a child, yknow? I feel like I keep picking the non-committing type of guys.
Chandler: No Mon, its just that, Im afraid. Im afraid of not being a good enough father.
Monica: Oh, cmon. Youll be a terrific father.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess your right. (they lye back down) Although, we could also put a bid on that kid down the street whos already had decent parenting and raise him. (Monica hits him with the pillow)
[Scene: Joeys apartment, hes sitting in his chair while Ross is at the counter reading a magazine.]
Joey: Oh, those Titans are really something, arent they?
Ross: Yeah, the Titans lost buddy.
Joey: (shocked) What? When did this happen?
Joey: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (glum) Yeah, right.
Ross: Whats wrong, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, I dont know, (sits down) its probably just that I just found out that Im a habitual liar.
Joey: What? Youre a habitual liar?
Phoebe: No. Of course not.
Ross: Cmon, Pheebs, I have known you for the longest time, you have never lied.
Phoebe: Well, how do you know? Maybe I was lying. I mean, I never told you about the time I kissed Carol.
Ross: What? You kissed Carol?!
Phoebe: No, I didnt. See, Im just a maniac.
Joey: Phoebe, why do you think youre a habitual liar?
Phoebe: Well, you see, I just figure, yknow. My dad lied to me when I met him, my mom lied to me about my dad, and my birth mom lied to me before I got to know her. Dont you see the patterns? Its in the genes!
Ross: Just because they lied to you about a couple of things doesnt mean they were habitual liars.
Phoebe: Well, just shut up, oh God, I hate you, Ross!
Ross: Are you lying again?
Phoebe: Yes. (they hug)
Joey: Oh, what are we gonna do for Chandlers birthday?
Ross: Well, Monicas going to take him out to dinner, yknow for like a casual dinner birthday and then when they get back, (gets all worked up) were all going to be there and yell surprise! (jumps up) Wow! Im so excited!
Phoebe: Yeah, you so have a life.
Chandler: (entering) Hello, children.
Ross and Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey, buddy, hows it goin? Oh, happy birthday by the way.
Chandler: Thank you. Well, I just picked up somethin that will make someone really happy. (pulls out a box and reveals a ring)
Ross: Oh my God!
Joey: Oh, I dont know. I wouldve been happier if you wouldve picked me up that Sports Illustrated I wanted you to get.
Chandler: Its not for you, Joey. Its a wedding ring, Im going to give it to Monica
Joey: (interrupting) What does she need a wedding ring for?
Chandler: No! Im going to propose to Monica tonight.
Joey: Ohhh! Oh my God, that makes a lot more sense.
Phoebe: (looking at the ring) Oh that is the ugliest thing Ive ever seen. How many boxes of Frosted Flakes did it take you to find that piece of crap!
(Chandler looks at Ross for an explanation.)
Ross: (points to Phoebe) Habitual liar.
Chandler: Oh. (weirdly) Thank you, Phoebe.
Ross: Oh my God, where did you get good taste in diamonds?
Chandler: Well, Ive just always okay, Rachel helped me pick it out, but I chose the color of the box.
Joey: So, man, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Well, I was thinking, yknow, that I would take Monica to that great Mexican place and
Rachel: (entering with Monica) Hi, everybody. Whats (sees the ring) Whoa!!! (she shoves Monica back into the hall and closes the door, locking it) (whispering) Oh my God, Chandler, put that away.
Ross: (whispering) Did Monica see it?
Chandler: (whispering) No, but probably because Rachels elbow was shoving her right in the face.
Rachel: (whispering) Well, I couldnt let her see it. Dont you want the proposal to be special?
Monica: (from the hall, knocking) Hello?!
Rachel: (whispering; to Chandler) Put it away. (he does so and she opens the door)
Monica: What was that?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, its just, its just we were playing hide and go seek and you were supposed to wait in the hall and count while we hid. Damn, I guess you found us. You are good! (Monica gives her a weird look)
Chandler: (whispering to Ross) She may have good taste in rings, but man shes always sucked at covering.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey are present when Rachel enters.]
Ross: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: Hi. Uh, Phoebe?
Rachel: Remember when I asked you if you wanted to go to a movie with me and you said yes.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Rachel: Well, where the hell have you been Ive been waiting at the movie theater for, like, a half and hour.
Phoebe: Oh, sorry, I guess I forgot to tell you.
Rachel: Tell me what?
Phoebe: Well, I seem to be a habitual liar.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe thinks that because her parents lied to her about so many things that shes inherited that gene.
Rachel: Oh well, yknow, it figures. Just when I feel that ooh, Phoebe is acting normal this week, something happens.
Phoebe: (angry) Do you know what, Rachel? (Rachel glares at her) Your hair looks lovely today.
Rachel: (smiling) Oh, really thanks, you see I (realizes shes lying)
Joey: Come on Pheebs, just see a shrink or somethin, I betcha this whole thing is just in your head. You should go see my shrink, Dr. Ritter.
Ross: You see a shrink?
Joey: Well, not as much as I used to. I started going to him after I got fired off Days of Our Lives. Man, I used to talk to him all the time. Well, until he said that Im the kind of person he can only talk to once a month, now I only see him on the second Monday of the month. That is, unless he still has the mocherazian flu.
(They all stare at him.)
Phoebe: Wow, you are so smart.
Joey: (smiles) Thanks, Pheebs. I know. (looks proud of himself)
Rachel: So, does anyone else want to go to a movie?
Ross: Sorry, Rach, I have to be heading out to pick up Ben. (starts to get up)
Joey: Yeah, and Ive got an audition. Hey, what do you think? Im trying out for Man #3. Sounds like a huge role.
Rachel: Okay, go get em Joe. Hey Ross, are you still seeing Elizabeth?
Ross: Yeah, shes just out in Albany visiting her sister for the weekend.
(Ross smirks, does the fist hand-signal thing and he and Joey leave.)
Phoebe: Well, I outta be heading off to see that Dr. Ritter guy. (gets up)
Rachel: Youre not lyin are ya?
Phoebe: Yknow what? Sometimes Im not even sure myself anymore. (as shes about to leave Monica enters) Hey, Mon, Im going to a basketball game.
Monica: Good for you, Phoebe. (Phoebe exits as she goes up to Rachel) Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hey, Mon, oh, did you ask Chandler to dinner for our surprise party?
Monica: Well, actually, he already asked me before I had chance to ask him. Oh well, birthday boy gets his way.
Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.
Monica: But I kind of have a birthday surprise for him. (excited) Im going to ask him something really huge.
Rachel: (realizing) Oh my God, Monica, you cant do this. I mean, hes the man, youll just make him feel bad if you ask.
Monica: Well, I think I have the very right to ask, I mean it is my body?
Monica: Yeah. Im going to ask Chandler tonight to be the father of my baby.
Rachel: (shocked) Whoa! Oh my God! Okay, yeah, he will not be expecting that.
Monica: I know, it will be a great birthday surprise. What do you think?
Rachel: This is huge!
Monica: I know.
Rachel: Um, no, I dont think its a good idea.
Monica: You dont?
Rachel: Its just that maybe you should listen to what he has to say first.
Monica: Huh? Okay, I dont even know what youre talking about. What do you mean listen to what he has to say first?
Rachel: Um, well, maybe birthday boy got a present for you too, yknow?
Monica: Like what?
Rachel: Like well, like so, what are you gonna name it if its a girl?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show and is singing and dancing to it.]
Chandler: (singing) but by night Im one hell of a lover. Im just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania ha (sees Ross and Ben have entered) ha. Hello Ross, hi Ben. (he quickly turns off the TV)
Ross: Hello Mr. Furter. Okay, I just wondered if I could leave Ben with you a couple of minutes so that I can go pick up a book.
Chandler: With me? Youre leaving Ben with me?
Ross: Yeah. Why? Is it okay?
Chandler: Yeah I guess.
Ross: I just figured it would be good practice for when you have your own kids.
Chandler: Oh man, not you too.
Chandler: Well, Monica kept hinting to me last night about having a baby and I just keep having doubts. Like not being a good father, yknow.
Ross: Well, I gotta admit, it is hard picturing you as a father, and I know you cant feel it now, but I gotta tell ya it all changes when you see your kid being born. You look into its eyes knowing its apart of you, its just great.
Chandler: Thanks a lot for your advice, Father Samuels. (shakes his hand)
Ross: Although, I wouldnt be surprised if the kid may develop deep trauma by being made fun of by his Dad. (to Ben) Now Ben, if he starts picking on you just one swift kick in the leg and hell back off like that. (Ben laughs)
[Scene: San Pedros Mexican Cuisine, Monica and Chandler are seated at a table by the kitchen.]
Chandler: Sorry about this table. I didnt think to make reservations.
Monica: Oh, Chandler, dont worry about it. All that matters is that Im here with you. (a waiter leaves the kitchen, whacking her in the arm with the door)
Waiter: Again, I am so sorry.
Chandler: Oh, God, this was supposed to be the most romantic night ever.
Monica: Oh, come on, I should be the one feeling bad. Its your birthday, Im sorry honey, happy birthday. At least Ill have the bruise to remember this by. (she rubs her arm)
Chandler: Anything you want for dessert, I promise.
Monica: (holding her arm) Ice.
Chandler: Okay, Ive been putting it off and putting it off, but I have something to ask you.
Monica: Oh, thats great because I kinda have something to ask you too.
Chandler: Really? Okay, you go first.
Monica: Well I think Ill just come right out and say it. Chandler, (he takes a sip of his wine) will you be the father of my baby? (he spits the wine out all over her dress, making her jump up) Oh, God! (sitting down) So, was that a yes?
[Scene: San Pedros Mexican Cuisine, continued from earlier, Chandler is still sitting at the table, shocked.]
Monica: So, what do you think?
Chandler: Well, I didnt see that one coming.
Monica: Well, its a great surprise. (scared) Happy birthday. So, do you have an answer?
Chandler: Okay, Mon, I love you more than anything in the world and this is a really big commitment. I guess what Im trying to say is that Ill have to think about it.
Monica: Okay, you think about it. So, what is it you wanted to ask me?
Chandler: (thinking) Um, uh, yeah, uh, will you pass the bread?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, the gang and other party guests are at the surprise party waiting for Chandler and Monica to arrive.]
Ross: So, Pheebs, did you see that doctor guy today?
Phoebe: No, his office was closed today, but the receptionist said hell be back tomorrow.
Ross: Oh, youre not lying, are ya?
Phoebe: No. Wait, I mean yes!
(Ross is totally confused.)
Rachel: (coming up to them) You guys, you have no idea what Monicas going to do tonight.
Phoebe: Damn, too bad Chandlers not here, hes always so good at this game.
Rachel: Monicas going to ask Chandler to be the father of her baby.
Ross: Oh my God!
Joey: Whoa! Thats huge! So, theyre going to get married and have a baby? This is great! Its like with Ross and Carol only with them it was get a divorce and have a baby.
Ross: Why am I always the easiest target?
Joey: Hey, you guys know what I just realized? This may be the first wedding that we have had where something weird wont happen.
(They all look up and think.)
Ross: Huh, he actually has a point there. Lets see, Rachel and Barry, me and Emily, and me and Rachel
Rachel: Gee, I suddenly feel like that you and me really suck at marriage.
Phoebe: Ooh, wait a minute! Ross, what about yours and Carols? That was pretty normal.
Ross: Yeah, except six years later it was Carol and Susans.
Joey: Hey you guys, I bet you twenty bucks that Richard will run in the middle of the wedding and ruin it.
Rachel: Okay, youre on. (they shake hands)
Party Guest: Hey, everybody, theyre coming.
All: Ooh! Oh, theyre coming!
(They shut off the lights as Chandler and Monica enter, the lights come back on.)
(Monica and Chandler both have solemn looks on their faces.)
Chandler: (solemn) Hi.
Monica: (solemn) Hey.
Chandler: (speechless) Um, wuh, yuh, uh
Monica: Say yes to what?
Rachel: Well to
Chandler: (stopping her) Shh sha.
Phoebe: Ask you to marry him.
Monica: What? (looks at Chandler whos scared at first and then bursts out laughing)
Chandler: (laughing) Dont you see? Its Phoebe, remember? Phoebe is the habitual liar. Of course. She lies all the time. Lies, lies, lies. Come on Pheebs, of course your lying.
Phoebe: (thinking) I dont think so. Oh my God, its totally taking over my brain. God, I dont know anything anymore!
Monica: Rachel, is it true?
Rachel: Um, uh, uh no?
Rachel: Yeah, its true.
Monica: (to Chandler) You were going to ask me to marry you? Well, why didnt you?
Chandler: Well, hon, sweetheart, uh I was going to save it for your birthday.
Monica: My birthday was last month.
Monica: Okay, forget it. I dont even want to see you right now. (she heads towards her room; to the party guests) Well, I hope you all enjoyed the party. (she goes into her room and slams the door)
(Chandler sits down on the couch with the others and puts his hands over his head.)
Joey: Hey, buddy.
Joey: (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy Cmon everybody, join in.
All: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chandler (they put a party hat on a less than enthused Chandler) Happy birthday to you!
[Scene: Central Perk, all present except Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: I cant believe it. I mean that was like the worst birthday party ever!
Ross: Well it couldve been worse, we couldve thrown all of the guests off the balcony.
Phoebe: Well, Ross, it didnt get much better when you accidentally threw the cake on top of him.
Ross: Hey, I didnt throw it, it fell. Monica just waxed the floors, it was slippery.
Joey: Man, this whole thing really sucks. First, Monica and Chandlers fight and then a get a call this morning saying I didnt get the role of Man #3.
Rachel: Joey, how could you not get Man #3?
Joey: I dont know, maybe its because I accidentally hit on the director.
Rachel: You accidentally hit on the director?
Joey: Hey, it wasnt my fault she got something in her eye. I thought she winked.
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey, man.
Ross: Hey, ooh, did the frosting get out of your hair?
Chandler: Yes it did, but it was just nice having leftovers on my pillow this morning.
Rachel: So, how are things with you and Mon?
Chandler: Couldnt get any worse. Man, I just wish she would talk to me. This morning she made me breakfast.
Ross: Oh, thats nice.
Chandler: Which she served on my lap. Let me tell you something there is nothing worse than hot waffles down there when all you have is a robe on.
Joey and Ross: (hurt) Ooh!
Phoebe: Well, Chandler I think this is all just for the best. I think its great! You should just walk out on that bitch and go cruisin right now looking for some other girl just waiting to get some Channy lovin. (he stares at her) Okay, Im going to go see that psychiatrist right now. (gets up) Bye everybody. (leaves)
All: Bye Pheebs.
Chandler: Yknow what? Lying or not, I think shes got a point.
Rachel: Cmon, you know thats not true. Chandler, face it, you guys are in love. Dont you love her?
Chandler: Yes, I love her.
Rachel: Well, then what I suggest you to do is to go down there and tell her that.
Chandler: Youre right. Im going to do that. (gets up and starts to walk out, but sees Phoebe sitting at a table by the door) Phoebe, I thought you said you were going to go see that shrink.
Phoebe: Fine! Just quit pushing me!
[Scene: Dr. Ritters office, Phoebe is lying on his couch as he is talking to her.]
Dr. Ritter: So, Phoebe, you have come to see me today because you think youre (reads his sheet) a habitual liar. Is that correct?
Phoebe: Yes. No. Wait, I mean yes. No waitwaitwaitwaitwait, its no.
Dr. Ritter: Okay. Ill just take that as a yes. Okay, now Phoebe, why do you think youre a habitual liar?
Phoebe: Well, it just makes since, yknow? I mean, all three of my parents were all liars.
Dr. Ritter: (confused) All three of your parents?
Phoebe: Yeah, my father lied to my mother, my mother lied to me about my mom, and my mom lied to me about her being my mom.
Dr. Ritter: (rubbing his face) Youre a friend of Joey Tribbianis arent you? Okay, um, Phoebe I think that you just feel bad that you were lied to as a child that youve created this image in your head that you are a liar also.
Dr. Ritter: Is it a memory from your childhood, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No no, its something from last Thursday. (thinking) I was walking down the street when this guy came up to me and asked where the park was and I said to go straight down the street and turn left, but it was really a turn right. (opening her eyes) Thats probably why I started thinking I was a habitual liar. Okay, it makes since now. (gets up) Thanks doc, Im cured.
Dr. Ritter: (dumbfounded) No problem.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, but my two friends Monica and Chandler really have a problem, do you think you could set an appointment for them?
Dr. Ritter: Um, um, I would but, but I just remembered that Im am going to be in (thinks) Tibet for the next two months. Im so sorry.
Phoebe: Oh, too bad.
Dr. Ritter: Oh, dont forget to tell Joey that!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Monica is reading a book when Chandler enters.]
Chandler: So, what are ya readin?
Monica: Fifteen Ways to Kill Your Spouse Without Getting Convicted.
Chandler: Okay, cmon. Im sorry, okay honey. Cant we just talk about this?
Monica: Okay, fine. (puts her book down) So, why didnt you propose?
Chandler: I dont know. I guess I was just scared, okay? I mean, after you laid that whole baby thing on me, I guess this realization just poured over me. It was like, okay, first comes love then comes marriage, then comes Chandler pushin the baby carriage.
Monica: Yeah, I know, except its different. It will be both of us pushing the baby carriage.
Monica: Well, cmon, I mean, isnt this good? We did the dating thing, then the moving in thing, and now we can take it to the next level.
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I guess youre right. There is nobody Id love to have my baby with more than you. Well, I guess then what Im saying is, Monica, I would be honored to be the father of your baby.
Monica: Oh my God! (they kiss)
Chandler: And Im also saying this. (he gets down on one knee and takes the ring out) Monica Geller, will you be my wife?
Monica: (leaning down with him) Chandler, dont call me that. Call me Monica Bing. (he puts the ring on her finger and they kiss passionately) So, do you wanna get a head start on that baby thing?
Chandler: You know it!
(They both run to the bedroom)
[Scene: Dr. Ritters office, Dr. Ritter is looking at some of his papers when Joey enters.]
Dr. Ritter: (shocked) Joey!
Joey: Hey, doc. Im sorry I came without an appointment but I really need to talk to you.
Dr. Ritter: (frustrated) Okay, what is it Joey?
Joey: (lying on his couch) Well, you see, I am a habitual hitter.
Dr. Ritter: What? Do you mean that you punch people?
Joey: No, I, without my own control, hit on extremely hot blondes!
Dr. Ritter: (rubbing his face) Okay, Joey, Im sorry, but I really got to go. (starts to leave)
Joey: Where are you going?
Dr. Ritter: (holding his head) I need aspirin!