Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)
Joey: So did she kill you?
Ross: Did who kill me?
Joey: Rachel. Did she kill you for the Chloe incident?
Ross: Not at all actually. Shes been totally cool about it.
Chandler: Did you tell her about her mom hitting on you at dinner?
Ross: Do I look stupid? Shed kill me if she found out.
Joey: Yeah she would. But for the record, you are stupid.
Opening Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monicas reading on the couch as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey Mon.
Monica: Hey Rach. How are you doing?
Rachel: Im fine. Why?
Monica: Youre not upset with Ross about the whole Chloe thing?
Rachel: No, not at all. I trust him. I know he told me the truth.
Monica: But she was naked.
Rachel: Yeah, but he knows I look better naked.
Monica: I know that too. Has he stopped acting weird?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Whats he been doing?
Rachel: Hes just more quiet than usual. Its probably just pre-wedding jitters.
Monica: Are you sure? He has been married three times already. I think hed be used to it by now.
Rachel: But this time he knows its gonna last.
Monica: True.
Rachel: Wheres Phoebe?
Monica: She went with Brad and Jennifer to the Statue of Liberty. Can you believe Phoebes lived in New York City for all these years and has never been there?
Rachel: Ive never been.
Monica: Yeah, me neither.
STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer have just departed the ferry)
Jennifer: Are you alright Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, thank God we dont have to do that again.
Brad: Actually we have to take the ferry back to the City.
Phoebe: Cant we just swim back?
Jennifer: Ah Phoebe, you still have some barf in your hair.
Phoebe: Gross! I guess I could save it for later when I get hungry again.
Brad: I think Im gonna be sick.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: How long are you gonna be staying at my apartment? Youre starting to ruin my sex life.
Chandler: Well I better go tell Monica that. Come on, its only been a week.
Joey: I know and I havent had sex all week. Im dying here man!
Chandler: Courteneys been in Florida all week tending to her dying grandfather.
Joey: I know. Whats your point?
Chandler: So its not like you could have sex anyway.
Joey: I dont know about you, but I know how to have fun by myself.
Chandler: Im not stopping you. I know it hasnt stopped me.
Joey: Like Im gonna do that with you in the next room.
Chandler: It never stopped you when we were living together.
Joey: Thats because I never had to.
Chandler: What?
Joey: If my girlfriend went out of town, then I just called my back-up. I cant do that now, Im in a serious relationship.
Chandler: You had a back-up?
Joey: Of course.
Chandler: Who?
Joey: Nora.
Chandler: Whos Nora?
Joey: Your mom. See you later. (Joey sprints out leaving Chandler in a state of disbelief)
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is watching TV as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey honey!
Ross: Hi. How was your day?
Rachel: Well Beaver kept getting into trouble at school so I had to go meet with his Principal.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I was mocking you, you know, Leave it to Beaver.
Ross: Oh, see I totally didnt get that. Really how was your day?
Rachel: It was fine. I spoke with my Mom and shes coming to dinner tonight. I hope thats ok.
Ross: (uncomfortable): I really wish you had told me sooner. I already made plans to watch the basketball finals at Joeys.
Rachel: Well cancel your plans, youre having dinner with me and my Mom.
Ross: I cant do that sweetie, I already told Joey and Chandler that Id be there.
Rachel: Im sure theyll understand.
Ross: You dont understand, Im hanging out with the guys tonight. Its one of the last times Ill get to hang out with them before I get married. Besides its game seven, I cant miss it. Sorry.
Rachel: Whats going on Ross?
Ross: Nothings going on. I just wanna hang out with me friends, thats all.
Rachel: Please you have been acting weird ever since we had dinner with my family.
Ross: No I havent.
Rachel: Yes you have, you havent made love to me all week.
Ross: I guess its just a dry spell. Im sorry. Do you wanna do it right now?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Then can I go to Joeys?
Rachel: Fine. Go, I dont care.
Ross: Are you mad at me?
Rachel: No. Ive got to go to the store to get something for dinner. Ill talk to you later.
STATUE OF LIBERTY (Jennifer and Brad are trying to convince Phoebe that its time to go)
Jennifer: Phoebe, if we dont get to the dock soon the ferrys gonna leave without us.
Phoebe: Just five more minutes.
Brad: Ah, they just closed the place. We have to go now.
Phoebe: You guys are celebrities, tell them to re-open the damn lady. I wanna go to the top again.
Brad: Youve been to the top four times already. Its time to go.
Phoebe: You guys go, Ill swim back.
Jennifer: Its a mile and a half swim and besides you dont know how to swim.
Phoebe: Im not getting on the boat. No way, I just recovered from this mornings boat ride.
Brad: (picking up Phoebe): Time to go.
Phoebe: Put me down you, you, you big hulking man beast!
(cut to the dock. The ferry is pulling away)
Jennifer: Great, we missed the last boat! Now what are we gonna do?
Phoebe: Oh well. Whos up for that swimming work-out?
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching the game)
Joey: The Knicks shouldve made the finals. Man, just once could they make the damn finals.
Chandler: Wanna beer?
Joey: Yeah. Thanks.
Chandler: Good, while youre up, get me one too.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Ross: I came to watch the game.
Joey: You dont even know whos playing.
Ross: Sure I do, its the Lakers and the Sixers.
Joey: Howd you do that?
Ross: It says it right there on the TV.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Seriously why are you here?
Ross: Rachel invited her Mom to dinner without asking me.
Chandler: So?
Ross: So, I cant have dinner with that woman again until after were married.
Joey: Its not like shes gonna hit on you with just Rachel and you there.
Ross: She did the other night.
Chandler: And you still havent told Rachel?
Ross: No, do you think I stupid or something?
Joey: I think weve already covered that.
Ross: (ignoring Joey): I just dont want Rachel mad at her Mom, not before the wedding.
Chandler: Wanna beer?
Ross: Yeah thanks.
Chandler: (sitting down): Theyre in the refrigerator.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Rachel and her Mom are having dinner)
Sandra: This is really good fried chicken, where did you get it?
Rachel: I made it.
Sandra: Rachel?
Rachel: Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Sandra: Wheres Ross?
Rachel: Hes at Joeys. Boys night out. Hes watching the basketball game or something.
Sandra: Didnt they have that last week at their party?
Rachel: Yeah. But I want him to have as much time with his friends before we get married.
Sandra: Honey, whats wrong?
Rachel: Nothing, Im fine. Everythings cool.
Sandra: Rachel, tell me whats wrong.
Rachel: (filling up with tears): I think hes having second thoughts about marrying me!
Sandra: Do you want me to talk to him?
Rachel: No. I just know somethings bothering him, but he wont tell me.
Sandra: When did he start acting weird?
Rachel: After he had dinner with the family.
Sandra: Oh. I think I know what might be bothering him.
Rachel: Really, what?
Sandra: You know when Ross went to the restroom while we where at dinner .
Rachel: Yeah, he said he ate a bad meatball.
Sandra: I think I freaked him out.
Rachel: Why? Why? Why, would you freak him out? Hes the one that wanted you there.
Sandra: But I dont think he appreciated me rubbing his leg under the table.
Rachel: (floored): What?!
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad, and Jennifer are stranded)
Phoebe: Wow, this is kinda like Gilligans Island.
Brad: Then why dont you use your coconut phone and call a helicopter to airlift us of this island!
Phoebe: Why are you so pissy? Look at the beautiful skyline. And hey, we can go in the morning I promise.
Jennifer: Im starving. Anyone got any food?
Brad: No.
Phoebe: I just ate my last Snickers bar, sorry.
Jennifer: (mad): How many have you had?
Phoebe: Five or six, I lost count.
Brad: (to Jennifer): We could always eat her.
Jennifer: How should we kill her?
Brad: Ive got my stun gun in the backpack. Do you have your knife?
Jennifer: Yeah. Lets get her.
(Jennifer and Brad start chasing Phoebe around Liberty Island)
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (the guys are still watching the game. Theres a knock on the door)
Joey: The pizzas here!
Chandler: We didnt order pizza you idiot.
Ross: And you say Im stupid.
Joey: Come in, its open!
(The door opens and its Monica)
Monica: Hey guys, what ya doing?
Joey: Guys stuff. Goodbye.
Chandler: Were watching the basketball game.
Monica: Can I watch?
Joey: You dont even know whos playing.
Monica: Its the Lakers versus the Sixers. The series is tied 3 games a piece and the Lakers are currently up by 3 and its the third quarter.
Joey: Have a seat.
(Monica sits on Chandlers lap)
Monica: Hi honey!
Chandler: So youre saying I can sleep at home tonight.
Monica: Youve done your time.
(Monica starts whispering in Chandlers ear)
Chandler: Monica and I are gonna go. Have fun.
Joey: Wait! You cant leave, the game isnt over yet!
Monica: We have something we have to do.
Ross: Fine, go have sex.
Monica: Were not just having sex, were shooting for a baby.
Joey: Go! Go!
Chandler: Now you want to get rid of us?
Joey: Out! Theres no baby making talk in my apartment. I dont want anyone filling Courteneys head with baby talk!
Chandler: Shes not even here!
Joey: Its the vibe. Theres a baby talk vibe. Get out!
(Monica and Chandler leave)
Ross: You really believe that crap about a baby vibe?
Joey: (lying): No. You?
Ross: (also lying): Me neither.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are sitting on the steps)
Phoebe: See, I told you this wouldnt be so bad.
Jennifer: For you, youve eaten six Snickers bars since we got here. I havent eaten since breakfast.
Brad: Yeah Pheebs, you even got to eat breakfast twice.
Phoebe: No I didnt.
Brad: You dont remember eating the barf out of your hair?
Phoebe: Oh. I forgot about that.
Jennifer: Did you make the call?
Brad: Yeah. They said theyd be here in ten minutes.
Phoebe: Whos gonna be here in ten minutes?
Brad: Jennifer and Is ride.
Phoebe: Huh?
Jennifer: Brad called the police. Theyre sending a helicopter to pick us up.
Phoebe: All of us?
Brad: No, just Jen and I. Theyre sending a boat for you.
Phoebe: No way, Im going on the helicopter. Im not taking a stupid boat back to the City.
Jennifer: The thing is, you dont have a choice. Theres only room enough for two.
Phoebe: Well then why arent you guys taking the boat with me?
Brad: Cause we told the police who we were and that we were stuck on the Ellis Island with a madwoman. They asked who it was and when we said Phoebe Buffay, they started laughing. Apparently you have quite the reputation with the Police Department. Here comes the helicopter now.
Phoebe: No! Dont make me take the boat. Please, Ill do anything.
Jennifer: Anything?
Phoebe: You name it Ill do it.
Brad: Alright, lets go.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Rachel and Sandra are present)
Rachel: You were rubbing my boyfriends leg! Your future son-in-laws leg! Do you, you want to sleep with Ross?
Sandra: No. I made a mistake. I had been drinking.
Rachel: You had ice tea! Thats not drinking mom!
Sandra: Good point. Im sorry sweet pea, I dont know what came over me. Its just ever since I left your father, I havent been with a man.
Rachel: So you decided to hit on my fiancé! No wonder why Ross has been acting so weird! Hes been hit on by ever female in our family!
Sandra: Calm down Rachel.
Rachel: Dont tell me to calm down! Youre my mother! I trust you with my deepest secrets and two weeks before my wedding I find out that you were hitting on my fiancé! You know what, I want you out! Dont bother coming to the wedding, youre not welcome!
Sandra: Rachel, please, it didnt mean anything. I made a mistake. Itll never happen again.
Rachel: Youre damn right itll never happen again! I dont wanna see you anymore mom!
Sandra: I love you Rachel.
Rachel: Thats nice mom. But you know what, you blew it. Dont blame me when you dont see your grandkids. Its all your fault! Get out!
Sandra: I know youre upset dear. Look, Ill call you later, we can talk this out.
Rachel: Goodbye Mom.
(Sandra leaves. Rachel sits down and cries)
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are lying in bed)
Monica: (mad): You know were gonna have to do it again.
Chandler: I know, Im sorry.
Monica: Why did you wear a condom?
Chandler: Habit?
Monica: Were married now and were trying to have a kid. A condom isnt the way to achieve that goal. Damn it Chandler! Are you ready yet?
Chandler: (he looks under the sheets): Half mast, not ready yet. How bout a little Joplin?
Monica: So the truth comes out. You did this to get a hummer out of the deal.
Chandler: (lying): I did not! Im just sexually challenged. I got confused.
(Phoebe, Jennifer and Brad enter the apartment)
Phoebe: Mon? Chandler? Its Phoebe. Ive got Brad and Jennifer with me. (to Brad and Jennifer) They must be having sex.
(in the bedroom)
Monica: Damn it! Were never gonna have a baby if you dont remember to lock the front door. Youre a complete idiot.
Chandler: Hey! You better be nice to me. You cant get pregnant by yourself.
Monica: We do have a mailman.
Chandler: Too bad hes gay.
Monica: Hes gay?
Chandler: Yeah, he hit on Joey about a week ago. Totally freaked him out.
(outside the bedroom)
Jennifer: Should we go?
Phoebe: No, theyre probably just getting dressed. Ill go see whats keeping them.
Brad: She really is a lunatic. I like that in a woman. (Jennifer glares at Brad) But I love you the most.
(Phoebe opens the bedroom door)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Chandler: Phoebe! Get out of here! Were naked!
Phoebe: Like I havent seen you guys naked. Hell, I watched you guys do it from Rosss apartment. By the way Mon, youre one talented woman. I never knew you were so limber.
Monica: (embarrassed): Well be right there Pheebs. Now get out!
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross returns from Joeys. The apartment is pitch black)
Ross: (voicerover) Rach must have gone to Mons. (Ross turns on a light and finds Rachel asleep on the couch) Rach, Rach, wake up.
Rachel: Huh? (sees that its Ross) Oh, hi. I must have fallen asleep. How was Joeys?
Ross: It was fun. The Lakers won the series.
Rachel: Thats nice. Who are the Lakers?
Ross: Theyre the team from .
Rachel: I was being nice. I really dont care.
Ross: How was dinner with your Mom? (Rachel bursts into tears) What happened?
Rachel: Why didnt you tell me?
Ross: Tell you what?
Rachel: About my mom?
Ross: What about her?
Rachel: Why didnt you tell me that she hit on you? Why didnt tell me that she was the one rubbing your leg?
Ross: I didnt want to upset you. Not so close to the wedding. I figured Id handle it by myself.
Rachel: Were a team. Me and you are a team. We dont handle things by ourselves anymore. Were a $%^&*@# team!
Ross: Ok, ok. Calm down. Well work this out.
Rachel: You and I are fine Ross. But Ive lost my mother.
Ross: You havent lost your mother, youre just upset. Rightfully so.
Rachel: I cant believe she did this. I mean, shes my mother! Who does she think she is, Mrs Robinson?
Ross: The Graduate? That was a great movie. (Rachel glares at Ross) Maybe not the best time to bring that up. Dont worry Rach, this will work itself out.
Rachel: You dont understand. I never want to see her again.
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey are inside Central Perk. Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are outside. Phoebe is dressed in an overcoat)
Chandler: Where are Phoebe, Brad, and Jennifer?
Monica: They said they be here but they had to do something first.
(Cut to outside)
Phoebe: Do I really have to do this?
Jennifer: You rode in the helicopter didnt you?
Phoebe: And I got sicker than I got on the boat.
Brad: Too bad. Youre doing it.
Phoebe: Fine. Here goes nothing. (Phoebe drops her coat and shes complete naked. She enters Central Perk screaming at the top of lungs Nudity rules)
Rachel: Was that Phoebe?
Joey: That was all of Phoebe baby!
End