The One With The Competition


Written by Kat.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.


(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Chandler is sitting next to Monica on the sofa, and Rachel is by the fridge)

(Rachel gets out a bottle of juice, and picks up the paper)

RACH(after a few page turns): Hey, look at that!

MON: What?

RACH: There's a competition in here for Gorgeous Girl Of 1999! I could totally win this!

CHAN: Not that you're vain or anything.

RACH: No, I'm not! I just think, you know, looking at girls these days, some of them aren't all that.

CHAN(referring to Rachel): Although they often think are. (he smiles, and Monica laughs)

RACH: I know! (realises) Hey...

(Chandler shrugs)

MON: Rachel, maybe you should enter. I know I will.

RACH(not paying attention): That's nice, Mon. (realises) What?! You?

MON(defensive): Yes, me. What's wrong with that?

RACH: Well, you're so...well, y'know.

MON: No. What?

CHAN: Okay, girls, break it up.

MON: No, no. I wanna know what's wrong with me.

CHAN: Nothing's wrong with you. You're gorgeous.

MON(sulky): You have to say that. You're my boyfriend.

RACH: Mon, it's not that I don't think you're pretty, I just think I could beat you.

MON: Well, we'll see, won't we?

RACH: Maybe we will.

MON: Fine!

RACH: Fine!

CHAN: Fine! (pause) Wait, I'm not mad at anyone.

(Monica and Rachel fold their arms and sulk while Chandler looks confused)

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting at the table by the sofa, filling out her application, while Joey looks on)

RACH(putting down her pencil): There! Done.

JOEY: Let me see. (Rachel gives it to him) (reading) Name- Rachel Demi Greene. (looks up) That's not your name! You're Rachel Karen Greene.

RACH: Yeah, but Demi's more exotic.

JOEY(reading): Age- 27. (looks up) You aren't 27. (Rachel shrugs) (reading) Ambition- To be a model in (pause) Europe? (looks up, and puts down the paper) Are you lying again?

RACH: I might have stretched the truth. See, I wanna work with models in Europe, designing. But I said I wanted to be a model. So I'm not really lying.

JOEY: Ohhh...

(Rachel gets up)

RACH: Anyway, Jo, I gotta go send my application. Bye.

(She leaves)

JOEY(holding up application form): Isn't she supposed to have this?

(Chandler and Monica enter. Monica sits on the armchair, and Chandler sits next to Joey on the sofa)

CHAN: Hey, Jojo.

JOEY: What the hell did you just call me?

CHAN: Sorry. Just trying something new.

JOEY: Well, go try something new on Monica.

CHAN: Nah, did that last week. (him and Monica laugh; Joey looks disgusted)

MON: What ya got there, Jo?

JOEY: Oh, it's Rachel's application form for Gorgeous Girl 99.

MON(interested): Really? Let me see.

JOEY: Sure. Um, could you give it to her? I gotta go see Simon.

MON(grinning): Sure. I'll give it to her. (she laughs)

JOEY: Okay, I did not get that.

MON: You weren't supposed to. See ya later Jo.

JOEY: Bye.

CHAN: See ya later, man.

JOEY: Sure.

(He leaves)

(Monica starts giggling)

CHAN: What's funny?

MON: I have Rachel's application form. The world is my oyster.

CHAN: I wondered what that smell was! (he laughs to himself, but Monica isn't amused)

MON: Anyway, think about it. I could make her a 44 year old woman with an ambition to marry a farmer in Kentucky! The opportunity...She would never win!

CHAN: Isn't that, well, kinda cheating?

MON: No! It's not...I'm using my initiative. The judges like that kind of thing!

CHAN: Okay. Are you sure?

MON: Of course! Anyway, you're on my side, right? You don't want Rachel to beat me!

CHAN: Of course not! When are the finals?

MON: In a week.

CHAN: Won't you be a little...(he looks at her stomach) bumpier then?

MON: Okay, that's not being on my side!

 

(SCENE: Phoebe & Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching TV, while Rachel is searching for her application seat)

RACH: I know I had it this afternoon! I was filling it out, and Joey asked me why I was lying so much!

(She pulls up the seat where Phoebe is sitting and Phoebe gets up, yelping)

PHOE: Hey! Don't do that!

RACH: Sorry, I just know I had it.

PHOE: Well, where were you when you filled it out? Don't tell me, Central Perk.

RACH: How did you know that?

PHOE: Well, it was pretty obvious!

RACH: Oh...Well, I gotta go see Joey! I must've left it with him!

PHOE: Okay, you do that!

RACH: I'm gonna.

PHOE: You cleaning up first?

RACH: Please!

(She laughs)

RACH: Bye Phoebs.

(She leaves, still laughing)

PHOE(slightly bothered): Okay, then.

 

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Rachel is sitting at the table, drinking juice, and Phoebe is with her)

(Monica & Chandler enter)

MON: This is gonna be so much fun! Can you imagine her face-

RACH: Whose face?

MON: Oh, hey Rach! Y'know, invite yourself in, drink my juice, sit on my...chairs.

PHOE: Hey Mon!

MON: Oh hey, Phoebs! Did you try that coffee I told you about? It's on the counter!

CHAN: Your apartment? Your juice? Your chair?

MON: Is that a problem?

CHAN: No, just making sure Rachel and Phoebe heard you. That's all. (he sits down, disheartened)

PHOE: Ooh!

CHAN: Ooh what?

PHOE: There's a bird outside.

CHAN: So?

PHOE: Oh, nothing, I was just saying.

CHAN: K...

(Phoebe smiles)

MON: Oh, um, Rach? I found this in Central Perk. (she hands her an envelope)

RACH: What's this?

MON: Your application.

RACH: No, no, I didn't put mine in an envelope yet.

MON: No, I did. A little friendly help. I even paid for the stamp. Just to prove there's no hard feelings.

PHOE: Didn't Joey give that to you, Mon? That's what he told me.

MON: No, no. (she laughs awkwardly) You know what Joey's like. That weirdo. (she laughs again)

RACH: Well, thanks Mon! That's so sweet!

MON(guilty): That's no problem.

CHAN(into Monica's ear, whispering): You know you're going to Hell for this.

RACH: I'm gonna send this right now.

MON: Bye.

RACH: Bye, best friend!

CHAN: Oh stop! Am I really your best friend?

PHOE(sincere, quiet): She was talking to Monica.

CHAN(sarcastic): Oh, okay.

RACH: Bye guys.

(She leaves)

PHOE: So, why did you put in an envelope really?

MON: I was being helpful.

PHOE: No, really.

CHAN: See, Mon. Girls like Phoebs, they smell evil. Like dogs smell meat in a butcher shop.

PHOE: No, it's just I heard her talking to herself earlier.

CHAN: Or it could've been that!

MON: Okay, okay. So maybe I changed some things on the application form.

CHAN: A few? Monica, Rachel is now Dora, and she's 50 with 8 children. She wants to win so she can feed the prize money to her starving cat, Pickle.

PHOE(to self): I knew a cat called Pickle. Or was is Picky? Maybe it was Fred. Maybe it wasn't a cat.

MON: Anyway...Rachel would've done the same thing!

(Ross enters)

ROSS: Hey! What's going on?

MON: Noth-

PHOE: Monica changed Rachel's application form so that she would lose the competition for Gorgeous Girl 99!

ROSS: Are you kidding? Why?

MON: She would've done it!

ROSS: No way! Rachel was only saying before that she wanted you to do well, and that she wished she hadn't said anything about you being inadequate! Well, that's what Joey told me.

MON: Really?

CHAN: Really? Joey said inadequate? Are you sure?

ROSS: Oh, I added that myself.

CHAN: I didn't think he would've said that.

 

(SCENE: Central Perk. The whole gang are there, minus Rachel)

(Rachel storms in)

ALL: Hey!

MON: Hey, Rach.

RACH(angry): You sure that shouldn't be Dora?

ROSS: Anyone wanna go that new bar down the street?

PHOE: The gay one? (realising) Oh sure!

CHAN: Wait for me!

JOEY: Can't we stay and watch? I wanna see Rachel shout at Monica!

ROSS: C'mon, Jo.

CHAN: Be a good boy and uncle Chandler will buy you ice cream.

JOEY(grinning): Really? You will?

(They leave, with Chandler dragging Joey along)

MON: How ya doin Rach?

RACH: So, done anything lately? Shopping? Ruined anyone's application forms? That kinda thing?

MON: What makes you say that?

RACH: Well, I think it was the phone call from the applicant sorter of the competition that first made me suspicious. But I think I got it when I got another call about my pet cat Pickle!

MON: I can explain! Really.

RACH: Try me. Why would you ruin my chances? I would never do that to you.

MON: Well, I thought you would.

(Rachel sits down next to her)

RACH: No.

MON: I'm sorry, Rach. I guess I've been a little different lately. I'm sorry.

RACH: Me too. I'm sorry I said you couldn't have one.

(They hug)

MON: You still entering?

RACH: Of course! Are you?

MON: You bet!

RACH: I am sooo gonna beat you.

MON: We'll see!

 

(END SCENE: Monica and Chandler's. The gang, minus Monica and Rachel, are chatting)

CHAN: You think my baby won?

PHOE: Give it a chance! It's not even out of the uterus yet!

CHAN: I was talking about Monica.

PHOE: Oh. Well, who else would you be talking about?

JOEY: Rachel's got it in the bag! She's gorgeous.

CHAN: No! Monica is the sexiest girl I know!

JOEY: Yeah, but she's pregnant! Who's gonna let a pregnant woman win a competition?

PHOE: Wasn't I sexy when I was pregnant?

JOEY: Of course you were. You're Phoebe. You're always sexy.

(Phoebe giggles)

(Monica and Rachel enter)

MON: Can you believe it?

RACH: I kno-

CHAN: Hey sweetie! (he jumps of his seat, kisses her and then kisses her stomach)

PHOE: Ah! How come you never did that to me, Chandler?

CHAN: Well, cos Mon's my fiancé, so I thought I'd kiss my baby's bump! And you know, you weren't my fiancé at the time so I...Oh never mind.

ROSS: How did the competition go?

JOEY: Did my best girl win? (the girls look at him blankly) Rachel!

RACH: No.

CHAN: Did you win, Monica?

MON: No.

PHOE: Well, who won.

RACH: A woman called Tracy Simmons. She's 35! 35 years old!

CHAN(sarcastic): You sure? Cos I was thinking 35 months.

MON: Anyway, Rachel came 3rd, so she gets $50.

CHAN: Where did you come?

MON(smiling): 2nd. I got $100, and I'm spending it on my baby.

CHAN: Really? Me?

MON: No. My actual baby.

CHAN: Oh. Okay.

JOEY: I think I know Tracy Simmons. Doesn't she work at the airport?

ROSS: That's right! Doesn't she scare away the crows?

(Monica and Rachel look at each other, and sit down, dejected)

JOEY: Don't worry, girls! You could scare crows any day!

RACH: Really? You mean it?

MON: How can you take that as a compliment?

RACH: Because I only hear what I want to.

MON: I'm gonna try that.

THE END