The One Where They Get The Score
Written by: Anne Pascal
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
This takes place in season 7. Chandler and Monica are engaged. Ross and Rachel are together (why not!). Joey is living alone. Rachel and Phoebe are at Phoebes and Ross across the street. It follows TOW Too Many Bings.
The story so far:- Rachel agreed to be a surrogate for Monica and Chandler after Monica was told she was having a premature menopause. This turns out to be a hospital error and Monica herself becomes pregnant. The fertility drugs Monica was on to farm the eggs for Rachel means that the pregnancy has a high chance of being multiple. Oh, and just to add to Chandlers joys, Rachel is expecting twins.
Scene: Hospital reception desk. Chandler is at the desk with Rachel and Monica.
Monica hands the nurse her card.
NURSE: Miss Geller? Your appointment is at three. Will the father be joining you?
CHANDLER: Yes thats me.
NURSE: You need to go to room 68 thats down the corridor, first door on the left.
Nurse takes Rachels card.
NURSE: Miss Green? Your appointment is also at three. (looks around) Will the father be joining you?
CHANDLER: Well I was hoping to but if youre doing them at the same time it kinda makes it difficult?
NURSE: (Looking very disapproving). Youre also the father of Miss Greens baby? It seems that the appointments are not the only thing to be done at the same time.
CHANDLER: Oh no you dont understand. It was your admin that got me in this mess. None of this is my fault. You just ask your admin. They got both my girlfriend and her best friend pregnant. Back me up here girls Monica - Rachel?
MONICA: (smiling mischievously deep little girl drawl) Whatever you say honey. You know we just do as you tell us.
Scene: Doctors room. Monica and Chandler talking to the Doctor.
CHANDLER: So when will we find out?
DOCTOR: Well I need to see your fiancée again next week. It could still be early but who knows it might possible.
CHANDLER: Well it would be nice to know whether we are expecting the patter of tiny feet, or a stampede.
DOCTOR: Yes I can see that. Before you go can I ask you one other thing? We are doing tests all the time on fertility and your sperm count was one of the highest weve seen. Do you think you could take part in a study? It would just mean completing a survey about your lifestyle and personal habits and then we would need another specimen.
CHANDLER: (huge grin) Ive got a high sperm count?
MONICA: Chandler It doesnt make you Superman.
DOCTOR: (Uses his buzzer). Helen can you bring Mr Bing the copy of the questionnaire and another receptacle.
Scene: Hospital waiting room. Chandler quickly filling in the form whilst he talks to Monica.
MONICA: So do you want me to come with you for this generous donation?
CHANDLER: Well it would be much quicker and we dont want to keep Rachel hanging around.
MONICA: Yeah right.
RACHEL: So Monica do you want to come and see the scan?
MONICA: I thought you already had one. You having another one?
RACHEL: They need to check the position of the placenta again.
CHANDLER: Well Ill just go and ya know. Be back as soon as I can.
MONICA: Bye honey Have fun!
RACHEL: So wheres he going?
Scene: Hospital corridor. Chandler goes to a door with his receptacle, tries the handle. It is locked. He has to go back to the Nurse he spoke to earlier.
CHANDLER: The room that I need to produce my donation - is locked. I really need to get on with this so I can go and see the other scan.
NURSE: (barely looking at him) Well there are other rooms. I think we can spare another room for two minutes. Just make sure you lock the door.
Scene: Chandler finds another room and locks the door. Grins at himself in the reflection of the large mirror on the wall.
CHANDLER: (To himself): Man amongst men highest fertility theyve seen.
Scene: Hospital corridor. Grey severe looking woman leading a group of visitor into a room.
WOMAN: (very pompously) This is our observation room. You can see that we can observe the interaction between children in the next room through this one way mirror without them feeling under scrutiny and thus able to express themselves .
She stops and turns to follow the horrified looks of her visitors and we see just enough to know that the room on the other side of the mirror is the one where Chandler is.
Scene: Monica and Chandlers Breakfast. The whole gang is there.
CHANDLER: So you guys coming to dinner tonight to help us celebrate?
JOEY: So were celebrating now are we?
PHOEBE: Well hes stopped shaking.
JOEY: OK. Ill be there. Bye guys.
He stuffs the rest of the toast in his mouth and leaves.
ROSS: So Rachel you not feeling sick at all?
RACHEL: No. So far Im feeling pretty good. I think, maybe, I just dont moan as much as most women.
MONICA: (aside); Yeah well you should have heard you from my side of the wall.
ROSS: Well you look great.
RACHEL: Thanks Ross. I feel great. I havent had a bad hair day since I got pregnant and have you seen my boobs? I think they are at least two sizes bigger already.
Chandler glances across at her but notices Monica looking sternly at him and then down at her own chest.
ROSS: Huh huh
RACHEL: And you know what else I wasnt expecting. I feel really .ya know squirmy.
ROSS: Monica could you call in sick for me?
MONICA: Isnt today that big important meeting that you are supposed to be chairing?
ROSS: Oh hell. Ill be at your place by lunchtime Rachel. You just keep squirming.
Ross rushes out.
Scene: Meeting Room full of lecturers. Ross is chairing at the end of the room.
ROSS: So item 1. Minutes of last meeting. Great job Megan. I think we all agree.
One professor puts his hand up and mutters but is ignored by Ross and reluctantly puts his hand down again.
ROSS: Item 2 Future funding of the department. Prof. Jones youre finance you sort it.
PROF. JONES: But
ROSS: (interrupting and talking as he would to a young disruptive student): We have a lot to get through. If you need to clear some points of detail perhaps you would see me after the meeting?
ROSS: Item 3 The syllabus. I think I said at the last meeting that I was passionate about wanting to keep the syllabus the same. The kids are happy what is it Professor Graham?
PROF GRAHAM: Well Im afraid I disagree
ROSS: (shrugs) OK we change it then. We can discuss that offline
PROF GRAHAM: Isnt that what this meeting is for?
Scene: Later at the meeting. It has clearly just broken up. People are leaving very bewildered. Professor Graham approaches Ross.
PROF. GRAHAM: So Professor Geller have you chaired a meeting before?
ROSS: Oh you mean . I just needed to keep things moving quickly as I wanted to get back to my girlfriend. Shes pregnant
PROF. GRAHAM: Oh. Is she feeling sick?
ROSS: No shes just really squirmy,
PROF. GRAHAM: Squirmy? Well congratulations is it your first?
ROSS: You think? Oh no no no. It isnt my baby. Its my sisters.
PROF. GRAHAM: Your girlfriend is expecting your sisters baby! (sarcastic) Of course.
ROSS: I do have a 6 year son but he lives with his mother and her girlfriend.
PROF. GRAHAM: (still sarcastic). Of course he does.
Ross moves away and another Professor Jones comes up.
PROF. JONES: So did you talk to Geller about the way he handled that meeting?
PROF. GRAHAM: I think Professor Geller has other issues at the moment
Scene: Phoebe and Rachels . Rachel is asleep on the couch. Ross rushes in.
ROSS: Hi honey you still feeling squirmy?
(tries to wake her. She just shrugs)
RACHEL: (murmuring with her eyes closed) No. Just tired. Really tired.
ROSS: Uh uh. Rach I have kinda rushed back here because I thought you needed me you know.
RACHEL: (wakes up suddenly, looks around and puts her hand to her mouth): Oh no! I think Im going to be sick.
Ross leans back from her alarmed. But from his face you can tell she has just thrown up all over him.
Scene: Restaurant. All the gang present and just finishing their main meal. Ross makes the toast.
ROSS: So heres to Monica and all her babies, and to Rachel for her help when we thought she needed it a true friend
Monica leans across and kisses Rachel
ROSS: And to Chandler now that he has HAD the shock of his life. Heres to the next one!.
CHANDLER: Ha ha very funny. This is it. No more babies. Dont even think about it Monica. But I have one more toast - the Hospital Lawyers for offering to settle our negligence claim so quickly.
Chandler pull a document from his inside jacket pocket.
MONICA: You spoke to the lawyers? Let me see. (He hands her the document) Wow are they offering us all that?
CHANDLER: Well it may look a lot of money but it will only just cover our costs. We need a bigger apartment, nurses, a cleaner, then later there will be college fees. Look at the break down.
MONICA: Well you get a hundred thousand dollars for "Impact on intimate relations". Thats hardly an out of pocket expense.
Joey looks confused
ROSS: Sex Joey it means they give Chandler money to make up for the fact that Monica will get too big to risk getting close to Chandler.
MONICA: I cant see what I get?
CHANDLER: Apart from the hospital fees and stuff?
MONICA: Yes dont I get compensated for trauma or something?
CHANDLER: Well let me see . (He leans over her to look at the document) Here it is - You get twenty dollars because you will need to use feminine products for longer than normal after the birth.
MONICA: You telling me you get one hundred thousand dollars for not being able to get your leg over for a couple of months and I get twenty dollars for actually being the one to go through this?
PHOEBE: Any chance the lawyer who drew this up is a man?
JOEY: A hundred thousand dollars! Cant you just like do it .
ROSS: (quickly interrupting) Lets not go there. So what does your lawyer say?
CHANDLER: If we want to settle quickly we take it. If we dont we might drag on for years
MONICA: And then the babies may know that we are suing because we didnt want them.
ROSS: Still you might get a lot more.
MONICA: We need the money now. (She pauses as she looks in disgust at the document again) Rachel gets a two thousand dollar dress budget, money for time off work and the cost of an exotic foreign holiday to recover.
ROSS: So Chandler do I get any compensation for the affect on my sex life?
CHANDLER: From what I heard you should be paying them. But no they figured you would be on a break by the time that Rachel became too large. (Glances concerned at Monica) Monica are you OK?
RACHEL: Oh dear I feel sick.
ROSS: Its OK honey - what do the stupid lawyers know - well stay together this time.
RACHEL: No I mean I think Im going to throw.
MONICA: Not before me you dont.
(Both rush to the ladies room).
JOEY: What did they eat?
CHANDLER: Who would want to be a woman? Apart from my Dad I mean.
ROSS: When do you get the final score?
CHANDLER: Theyre trying again next week but its possible that they may not be able to tell for sure for a another couple of weeks.
PHOEBE: Can we talk about something else anything else like what Im doing tomorrow?
CHANDLER: Im sorry Pheebs. So?
PHOEBE: Im starring in a film.
JOEY: Hey how come?
PHOEBE: Well I think they think theyre employing my sister you know the porn star.
JOEY: Oh Phoebe you cant.
Rachel and Monica return.
PHOEBE: Its not a porn film. Uh uh.
JOEY: No sex?
PHOEBE: Well one tiny scene but it is only waist up, and we are under covers so it should be OK. And I kinda need the money, what with the work on the apartment. And it may help my singing career so long as my public doesnt just, you know, refuse to accept me seriously as a singer once they recognize me as a serious actress.
RACHEL: So when do you start filming?
PHOEBE: Tomorrow where have you been? We film the sex scene first because the director told me that it is easier when no one knows each other, less awkward, and the guy is new to all this.
CHANDLER: (Raising his glass) Well heres to Pheebs as well then.
PHOEBE: You OK Joey? I mean I know this may seem a bit strange to you. I would hate it if you started singing Smelly Cat in Central Perk.
JOEY: No. Im cool. I start on a film myself tomorrow.
CHANDLER: What. You never said?
JOEY: Well it was difficult to talk to you man. The last few days you have been so bad I nearly went out and got you some cigarettes.
CHANDLER: Well Im cool now.
JOEY: Yeah right. About as cool as that girl over there and boy is she hot.
The boys all gaze at a woman across the room.
CHANDLER: Yeah - So whats the film about?
JOEY: No idea. Last minute thing. The other guy dropped out and they start filming tomorrow. Some sort of action sequence so I dont have to learn any lines or anything yet.
ROSS: So anyone else got any news?
MONICA: Yeah I have to go the bathroom again.
RACHEL: Ill come with you.
JOEY: I really dont think we should eat here again.
Rachel comes back.
RACHEL: I think Monica wants you to take her home Chandler.
CHANDLER: Sure do you want me to take you too?
RACHEL: No, Im OK.
CHANDLER: OK you guys Ill pay the bill and see you tomorrow.
Byes all round. Rachel sits down and sips some water.
PHOEBE: Have you guys thought what all this means?
JOEY: We get a free dinner on Chandler?
PHOEBE: Well that yes but.. Monica and Chandler may be about to reproduce themselves nine times over. Can you imagine 9 babies as neurotic as Chandler and Monica COMBINED.
RACHEL: Oh my God! Do you think theyll all tell jokes all day and wash your plate up before youve finished your dinner.
ROSS: Its unlikely that Monica is pregnant with seven children. Isnt it?
RACHEL: Its possible. I spoke to the doctor with her the drugs she was on were really powerful they didnt think she had much time, or much chance.
JOEY: Well they might take after someone else in the family like
RACHEL: Yeah Joey who would it be better they take after, I mean we have some pretty grim choices here. Lets see theres his Mum.
PHOEBE: Or his Dad!
JOEY: Or Ross!
(Ross frowns Joey is oblivious).
PHOEBE: Do you think we could persuade them to use all that money to move to the suburbs?
RACHEL: Not before I get my dress budget.
Scene: Film set. Hundreds of crew members around a bedroom set. Director with Phoebe looking nervously about her.
DIRECTOR: We just need to wait for your leading man. I think youll like him. Chemistry is so important in these things. Ah here he is.
DIRECTOR: So Phoebe this is Joey your leading man. Joey, Phoebe. I know you guys are going to get along.
Joey and Phoebe make a face and look away from each other.
PHOEBE: Hi Joey
JOEY: Hi Pheebs Phoebe. Hi Phoebe.
Scene: Same set half an hour later. Joey and Phoebe are in the bed. Both look really uncomfortable. Both are keeping their bodies rigidly apart and Joey is pulling the sheet up to cover Phoebe every time it slips further than her neck. Only their lips purse and kiss but they are keeping their bodies so far apart that it is more like a distant peck than an intimate kiss (think Chandler and Phoebe in the TOW Everyone Finds Out)
DIRECTOR: Cut. This is a farce. Joey - you look like Ive asked you to make love to your mother. And stop trying to cover her up were supposed to see her body. We have to give the male audience something in a film this slushy. And Miss Buffet! Have you seen the light or something?. I have seen less inhibited nuns!
Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Rachel, Monica and Chandler are there.
MONICA: Chandler are you OK to take Wednesday off to go to see those apartments with that lettings agent?
CHANDLER: Should be OK .
Joey is entering, clearly upset.
CHANDLER: Joey You back already?
JOEY: I had to film a sex scene. And because I couldnt do it they sacked me. Im off the movie.
CHANDLER: Because you couldnt do a sex scene? Perhaps you should ask Phoebe she was filming her sex scene today.
JOEY: It was Phoebe.
JOEY: How was I supposed to know? I mean Phoebe - the dirty bastards. It felt kinda sick ya know. I always thought I could do it with any attractive women (well apart from my sisters).
RACHEL: Well Joey, may be the camera crew being there put you off.
JOEY: No it wasnt that. I quite like the filming done it a few times myself. And the scene wasnt really that intimate. If I saw it in a movie I would feel cheated.
MONICA: So what was the problem?
PHOEBE: It was Phoebe. Ive known her too long. I know what she thinks
CHANDLER: Well Im glad someone does.
JOEY: I couldnt step over that line. Shes as close to me as my sisters are. It got me thinking .
CHANDLER: Well some good came out of it then.
JOEY: What I cant understand now Chandler is how you didnt feel the same way when you did it with Monica. I mean Ross always had a thing for Rachel, he always thought of her like that.
CHANDLER: Well I always thought about Monica like that.
MONICA: You did?
CHANDLER: (Sensing that he may be falling into a trap). Well yes I assumed you knew now I mean.
MONICA: All that time we would cuddle up on the coach. I just thought you were being a good friend and all that time you were well it puts a whole new perspective on it. And some of that time I was with other guys.
CHANDLER: I thought you knew.
MONICA: So were you thinking about it every time we cuddled up?
CHANDLER: No just when you insisted on pressing up next to me. I remember one time when you had just had a shower and you sat on my lap with your bathrobe half undone and well I could see ALL your freckles. And then you kept wriggling. Did you think I was a eunuch?
MONICA: I thought you were a friend. Wait a minute! Is that the time that you had that roll of quarters in your pocket and you wouldnt let Rachel have them for the laundry and I was trying to get them off you (looks at Chandler who is staring at his feet). There was no roll of quarters in your pocket was there? Oh my God!
CHANDLER: Wait I dont understand why this is bad? If I dont have a roll of quarters when we cuddle up now you accuse me of not loving you any more. Why does it mean the opposite back then simply because we werent going out.
MONICA: Its like I cheated on all those other guys.
RACHEL: Well most of them cheated on you. Wait a minute I sat on his lap a few times.
JOEY: Any rolls of quarters?
Scene: Monica and Chandler in bed. Chandler is lying down but focussed on Monica who is sitting up with her arms folded staring at the wall.
MONICA: Do you feel the same way about Rachel? Do you think of her like that too?
CHANDLER: No your prettier, nicer, more intelligent..
MONICA: Yeah cut the crap. Did you ever think of Rachel ya know like that?
CHANDLER: Seriously? Well sometimes . But I dont think I could be in a relationship with her.
MONICA: Really? (snuggling down to him) So whys that?
CHANDLER: Well when you got me all squirmy back then you didnt know the affect you were having. When you do it now its because you want to play.
MONICA: Doesnt Rachel want to play?
CHANDLER: Well I guess she does sometimes but most of the time she gets Ross all worked up just so that he has to prove to her how much he wants her. How many times has Ross dumped girls on some promise from Rachel, which is then broken.
MONICA: I used to think of you like that sometimes too.
CHANDLER: You did? You knew what you were doing to me?
MONICA: Sometimes. I saw you come out of the shower one time and you were all sort of well you know. And I went round to your apartment not long after and you and Kathy were in the bedroom and I felt really bad suddenly.
CHANDLER: Jealous - really? So why did you keep turning me down?
MONICA: I dont think I really knew not consciously. But it was nice to able to touch you and cuddle you and know that you were always there and it didnt look like I was ever in serious danger of losing you. Not until Kathy anyway.
CHANDLER: So there was always something there? I thought so. Thank God for London.
MONICA: So you prefer me to Rachel?
CHANDLER: Dont you know that? Youre much more fun. When you get squirmy I know Im going to get squirmed. When Rachel gets squirmy Ross still risks being left with his roll of quarters still in his pocket. Talking of which .
Scene: Just coming into the hall way between the usual two apartments. Monica and Chandler are following the lettings agent bemused by the fact that she has taken them almost back to their own front door.
AGENT: So I think that last apartment is probably the best one for you. This next one is probably too small but it is convenient and very near Central Park. It is also going very cheap.
CHANDLER: (quietly to Monica). Yeah and its pretty close to where we already live.
They walk passed their own front door and go the apartment next door.
MONICA: Isnt this the apartment of the Connors? Did they move out! They lived there for thirty years.
AGENT: You knew them?
MONICA: Well they were friends of my grandmothers. So why did they move out?
AGENT: Well Ill be honest with you, because I really dont think this is the one for you anyway. Noisy neighbors.
MONICA: But the Connors were deaf.
AGENT: Not deaf enough. The couple next door were really loud if you know what I mean.
They put up with if for a while but the noise levels increased when the girls room mate moved out.
MONICA: (embarrassed) Oh.
AGENT: It was mainly the woman. In the lettings business we now call it the "Oh my God - dont stop" apartment. No one will rent the place even at rent this low. I havent seen the couple myself but Im told that she is totally wearing the poor guy out. He lost like 20lbs over the summer.
CHANDLER: So how cheap is cheap?
Scene: Central Perk: Chandler is alone reading on the couch. Rachel and Monica enter.
MONICA: There you are Chandler. Well be late for the hospital. Arent you coming with us?
CHANDLER: After last time?
RACHEL: Oh come on we wont embarrass you again.
MONICA: And you have to come. Youre part of our team.
RACHEL: Yeah we need our man.
CHANDLER: Did you see how they all looked at me? I felt like the villain on the Jerry Springer Show.
RACHEL: There was that one guy who offered to buy you a coffee.
CHANDLER: If I told him how I managed it!
MONICA: Well you have to come. The Doctor phoned and specifically wants to speak with you.
CHANDLER: OK then. But you start treating me like the master of a harem again and Ill tell everyone why your lips are so sore.
RACHEL: God yes Monica your lips do look really sore.
MONICA: (glancing at Chandler) Yeah I think I must be biting them at night.
CHANDLER: Well I dont think you should bite your lips. I mean if you bite your lips then the apartment next door may lose its reputation and the rent will go up.
RACHEL: Why will Monicas lips get you cheap rent next door? You renting next door?
CHANDLER: Well Monica gets her apartment for next to nothing so it would be crazy to give it up and if we rent next door we can knock through and make it big enough for all of us without having to move. But Monica has to stop biting her lips, at least until we sign the contract.
Scene: Back at the Doctors. The Doctor and Chandler are just entering the room with the mirror.
DOCTOR: In here today. The basin in my room is being looked at by the plumber. (glances around him). I really hate this room.
CHANDLER: Yellow not your color?
DOCTOR: Not its the two-way mirror. Really creepy dont you think? You never know who might be watching.
CHANDLER: (Gulping) That is a two-way mirror? People can see in? Oh my God!
(They sit the doctor starts to write in his notes)
DOCTOR: So it is just five then. Not as bad as we feared.
CHANDLER: ONLY five thats seven children your little blunder has landed me with. (Monica comes into the room straightening her clothes). Hi sweetheart are you ready to go?
DOCTOR: Well actually there is one other issue that I am obliged to raise with you. Helen gave you the wrong questionnaire the last time you were here.
CHANDLER:. Is this Helen the same woman who confused the two Miss M Gellers?
DOCTOR: Well Helen, is new to the job.
CHANDLER: What was she doing before any chance she was involved in the presidential elections?
DOCTOR: You know her?
CHANDLER: (making a face) So? Do you want me to fill in another form?
DOCTOR (nervously) well there is a little more to it. The questionnaire you completed was for voluntary donation to our sperm bank. So that is where your donation went.
CHANDLER: Sperm bank? I dont want to make a donation to a sperm bank. Tell me do you people think I want to recreate the Waltons?
DOCTOR: Sperm donation would not make you a father in the social sense it is just
CHANDLER: (Getting angry) No deal. I want it back. Im not trusting you with any more of my stuff. I want my donation back now and Im not leaving this office until I get it.
MONICA: Chandler - what were you planning on doing with it?
DOCTOR: Im sorry Mr Bing it is too late.
CHANDLER: But I want it back! I will sue.
DOCTOR. Well actually you signed the consent form so I dont think you would get far. And Im sorry I would like to help but it is not possible to give it back to you. It has already been used.
CHANDLER: I signed to say I would take part in the study... (stops and looks up nervously) Used, you said used in experimentation you mean. You do mean in experimentation dont you? Tell me you used it in experimentation.
DOCTOR: No as I told you before it was particularly high quality so I understand from the records that we used it for a number of patients who had particular problems conceiving.
CHANDLER: How many how many ?
DOCTOR: (even more nervously): Well we are only allowed to inseminate ten women from one donor. And there was a big demand for your product. A waiting list even. The lab had been looking for a high quality donor for these patients for some time. And, amazingly, it worked every time.
CHANDLER: (Really stressed) You amazed? Im not amazed. After the last few weeks I would expect nothing less! So there are now twelve women having my children. I will have 17 children.
DOCTOR: Well no 18 actually. One of the AID women is expecting twins.
MONICA: Tell me - do you have any tranquilizers of any sort? Just to get him through the next few weeks.
Continued in TOW Chandler Loses the Plot and other things