An Orginal Fanfic by: Siobhan
Before you read my script, there are a few things you should know about my sad and twisted imagination. I created my own background so I could
effectively do what I wanted to with the story lines. Here goes.......
i) Rachel and Ross are just friends. They do, however, sleep together. (It's a hobby)
ii) Phoebe and Joey are unattached to anyone.
iii) Chandler and Joey have refurbished their apartment in exactly the
same as before all their stuff got stolen. I don't whether they do or not in the show but in my reality, they have swapped back with the girls as they got bored with cleaning a bigger apartment and the duck and the chick kept migrating.
iv) Monica is pregnant by Chandler. They are not together on the that if the incident with the jellyfish didn't bring them together, then a baby is definitely not a good enough reason. They are not revealing what happened on the one nightstand, but I shall reveal all soon anyway.
PRE INTRO SCENE; CENTRAL PERK
EVERYONE EXCEPT ROSS IS THERE. JOEY IS SAT ON THE CHAIR TO THE RIGHT, CHANDLER IS IN THE CHAIR TO THE LEFT. RACHEL, PHOEBE AND MONICA ARE SAT ON THE SOFA, WITH PHOEBE IN THE MIDDLE.
PHOEBE: I know, can you believe it? I look nothing like Uma Thurman!
RACHEL: I hate guys who plan chat-up lines. I mean, why cant they just walk up to women and say hi? Personally I prefer it.
MONICA: Me too.
PHOEBE: And me. It shows the guy cares and is being honest right from the start and you feel as though hes not..mmm...shallow... but-
JOEY: (Butting in and leaning behind him to the counter where he picks up a pad and pencil) Can you hang on a second, Pheebs, I want to get some of this down..
JOEY: What! You said that you like to be treated nice so Im just making a few notes so that I can treat other girls nicely too! Whats wrong with that?
CHANDLER: You have to ask?
PHOEBE: You know who the worst guys are though?
CHANDLER: Please God dont let it be the sarcastic, gay looking ones.
PHOEBE: Oh, apart from them. Its the ones who sneak up on you.
(Ross enters quietly and not hearing what Phoebe is saying, creeps up behind the sofa and prepares to scare her)
PHOEBE: You know, youre in a night-club, dancing by yourself for a few measly seconds while your friends in the bathroom and up they creep.
(Ross grabs Phoebe and yells BOO! despite Chandlers desperate warning looks. Phoebe screams reaches up and thumps her fist out behind her. It connects with Rosss face and he falls flat on the floor.)
PHOEBE: (Not realising who shes hit.) I hate those guys.
RACHEL & MONICA: Yeah.
SCENE TWO: MONICA AND RACHELS APARTMENT
JOEY IS SAT ON THE FLOOR, LEANING AGAINST THE DOOR, EATING CEREAL. CHANDLER IS LEANING AGAINST THE BACK OF THE SOFA, RACHEL, ROSS AND MONICA ARE SAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE AND PHOEBE IS PACING UP AND DOWN IN FRONT OF CHANDLER. ROSS HAS A VERY BLACK EYE.
MONICA: (Taking a bag of ice off Rosss face) Can you open it yet?
ROSS: No, its still too bruisy.
MONICA: Okay, keep this on it. (Thrusts bag back in Rosss face)
PHOEBE: I am so sorry, Ross. It was just a reflex action, I didnt think about using my brain.
CHANDLER: So whats new?
PHOEBE: You know thats not even the slightest bit funny? Kinda like having a broken bottle in your face!
RACHEL: Its all right , Pheebs, Ross is just being a wimp.
ROSS: No Im not! My face is painful and purple!
CHANDLER: Well look on the bright side, at least now youll have a part of your outfit that matches your shirt.
(Phoebe pushes Chandler so that he falls backwards over the sofa.)
PHOEBE: (To Chandler) Im sorry. Im just reacting more violently to people at the moment. I think its this new regular client Im massaging.
MONICA: Does she teach karate?
PHOEBE: No, why?
MONICA: No reason.
RACHEL: Why is she having this effect on you Pheebs?
PHOEBE: Well she teaches this business course on how to be more assertive by expressing your sub-conscious feelings consciously. Anyway, shes always telling me about it. I think that my subconscious feelings are starting to take over my sub-conscious ones and my sub-conscious isnt actually a very nice person who happens to have a very short fuse and when that burns out................ KAPOW!
JOEY: Cool! Sounds kinda like a Stephen King novel, only sexier.
ROSS: How is it sexier?
JOEY: Because firstly the woman in it are real and secondly one of them is massaging the other!
RACHEL: Sometimes I find it hard to believe that youre one of my closest friends.
ROSS: Why dont you stop massaging her then, Phoebe, or get someone else to take over all her massages?
PHOEBE: I would, but shes like the best tipper ever and I really need the money.
CHANDLER: What dyou need the money for, Pheebs? I thought you were doing okay financially since you stopped using gummi bears in one of your essential oils.
PHOEBE: Im fine. I mean, its not like I cant afford to pay my bills or anything major like that, I just want to take my Grandmother away for a really good weekend to cheer up her a little.
RACHEL: Thats really sweet, Phoebe. Where ygonna take her?
ROSS: How about the Rockies? That would really be memorable.
PHOEBE: Itd also be torture. Grandmas scared of heights.
JOEY: Got it. Malibu. Lots of sun, sea, surf and chicks in bikinis!
PHOEBE: Can you throw me an orange please, Monica?
MONICA: (Taking one from the fruit bowl and throwing it to her) Sure. I thought you didnt like oranges.
PHOEBE: I dont. (Throws it at Joey. It lands in his bowl of cereal and splashes him with milk and corn flakes)
CHANDLER: Wow, she has got you wound up. I think you should look at an alternative way of making money, because this woman is psychotic. Id hate to see what shed do to someone like Monica! (Gets up off the sofa and walks over to her)
MONICA: Helloo! Remember me? The child bearer?
CHANDLER: Youre trying to tell me that youve never been violent?
MONICA: Mmm, yes.
(Everyone laughs at her)
ROSS: That is such a lie. By the time I was fifteen, you had broken my nose playing football, smashed a pumpkin in my face, nearly broken my foot when you stamped on it and deliberately put lobster pate in my tuna sandwich, just because Id left your room in a bit of mess. That is definitely being violent!
MONICA: ..........Just a little sibling rivalry. I mean Rachel ran over her sister!
RACHEL: Yeah, with a tricycle when I was five and not on purpose!
MONICA: So maybe I did have a short temper as a child, but come on, Ross was brat, a weenie and a suck-up!
ROSS: Nuh-huh!................well maybe just a little bit.
MONICA: Anyway, a lots changed now.
CHANDLER: (Hugging her from behind) And I love you for it.
MONICA: Youd better.
JOEY: Yeah, cause otherwise she might just stab you with the bread knife!
MONICA: Ha-ha. Hey, Chandler we better get going.
(Chandler and Monica to put on their coats and start to leave)
PHOEBE: Where are you off too?
MONICA: (Standing in front of the door with Chandler) Ive a doctors appointment. Im having my first ultrasound.
RACHEL: Oh thats so great! Weird, because you know, its you, but!
JOEY: What are you waiting for then?
PHOEBE: Well it could be for you to move your cute little (kicking him) ass outta the way!
JOEY: (Getting up) Okay, okay.
MONICA & CHANDLER: (Leaving) Bye!
PHOEBE: So what do you think I should do?
RACHEL: About what?
PHOEBE: About the whole, "Me being aggressive But needing money" dilemma. I mean, its not me you guys! So, okay it is me but not the conscious, "Hey, Im Phoebe!" kinda me-
ROSS: (Cutting her off)- Were with you, Pheebs. Hmm. I personally think that you should stick to massaging and learn to live with this woman.
PHOEBE: Live with her? LIVE WITH HER?! (Picks up bread knife from sideboard and starts stabbing it into a loaf of bread to compound her words) What kind of crap is that? (Waves knife complete with bread in the air in front Rosss face) You know that if I have to live with her, youre going to have to live with me and I can see how thats going to end! (Waves her arms really wide and the bread flies off the knife and is caught by Joey)
PHOEBE: With a BODY COUNT!
JOEY: No, actually, I meant how can you see how its going to end? Cause you know, it hasnt actually happened yet.
PHOEBE: (Advancing towards Joey) Would you prefer the end to come sooner or later Joey?
JOEY: (Putting the bread back on the knife) Err, laters fine with me.
PHOEBE: (Spinning round to Rachel so that the knife is now in her face) What!
RACHEL: You might want to put down the knife.
PHOEBE: (Throwing it down on to the table) Oh God! You see what shes doing to me? Aaargh! Im going to cancel all her appointments and Ill just have to get money some other way, thats all there is to it. Any suggestions?
PHOEBE: (Flipping her lid) And you have the nerve to call yourself friends? You guys are HOPELESS! (Realising shes flipped her lid) Oh God! (Runs out)
SCENE THREE: OUTSIDE CENTRAL PERK
PHOEBE IS BUSKING
PHOEBE: (Singing in a minor key with passion and pleasure)
Kill off the mad bitch,
Bash in her brain,
So perhaps then,
I wont be insane.
Rip out her entrails,
But dont cast them aside,
Because you can eat them,
If theyre scrambled or fried.
(A kid comes over and puts some money into her case)
PHOEBE: Beat it, kid.
(Kid runs off crying. Phoebe covers her mouth in horror and shock)
CUT TO SAME SCENE, A FEW SONGS LATER.
A TALL, GOOD LOOKING POLICEMAN IS MAKING HIS WAY OVER TO HER.
PHOEBE: Death to all!
No more breath to all!
Death, death, death-
(Stops when she sees the police man right in front of her)
Do you want to pay up, or piss off, because Ive got money to make, Mister!
POLICEMAN: I dont think so, because youre coming with me.
PHOEBE: What for?
POLICEMAN: How about for intentionally breaking the law?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah? Which one?
POLICEMAN: (Pointing at a "No Busking, Penalty $500" sign) That one.
SCENE FOUR: INSIDE THE DOCTORS SURGERY
MONICA IS SITTING ON A BED. DR. HIBBIT WALKS IN.
DR. HIBBIT: Well, hello there. Im Dr. Hibbit and you are Monica and Chandler Bing, I presume?
MONICA & CHANDLER: Hi!
DR. HIBBIT: Lets get started straight away. Okay, Ms. Geller if youd like to lie back, please.
MONICA: (Lying back) Okay.
(Dr. Hibbit stars to do the ultrasound)
CHANDLER: Oh my God.
CHANDLER: I think Im going to be sick!
DR. HIBBIT: Theres a bin in the corner. Hurl away.
(Chandler runs to the corner and chucks)
MONICA: Is everything okay, because all I can make out is one big blob.
DR. HIBBIT: Yes, theyre both fine.
(Chandler stands bolt upright)
MONICA: Sorry, did you just say both of them are fine because Im only having one baby.......................Arent I?
DR. HIBBIT: No, youre having twins!
(Chandler falls over in a dead faint)
SCENE FIVE: CHANDLER & JOEYS
CHANDLER AND MONICA ARE SITTING ON ONE OF THE BIG BLACK CHAIRS THE OTHER IS TWISTED SO WE CANT SEE WHATS ON IT CHANDLER LOOKS TERRIFIED.
MONICA: Twins. I cant believe were having twins! This so great, someone up there is obviously making up for thirty years of wanting children but never having them. Its like buy one, get one free!
CHANDLER: Except with this store, you cant return the goods if theyre faulty.
MONICA: You know, thats not the smartest thing to say when Im sitting on your knees? Cause Im might just do this!
(Purposefully shifts her position on Chandlers lap and puts her hand there, causing Chandler obvious pain)
CHANDLER: (In a whiny voice) Okay, point taken!
(Monica removes her hand and relaxes. So does Chandler)
CHANDLER: Just remind me. If our relationship is totally platonic, why are you sitting on my lap?
MONICA: (Spinning the other chair around, revealing the chick and the duck) Thats why. (Spins it back again)
CHANDLER: Stop, stop, stop! Theyll get dizzy!
MONICA: Well, if they puke as easily as you do, Ill clear it up.
CHANDLER: I hope you like green and sloppy things that break phones.
(He holds up the phone, which is green tinged)
MONICA: Okay, then youll clean it up. By, the way, where do you think the twins came from?
CHANDLER: Well, I could draw you a diagram, but I think its a bit late considering were past the practical stage of the family planning course!
MONICA: What I mean is, do you have twins on your side of the family? Because I dont and its a genetic thing isnt it?
CHANDLER: Yeah, my cousins on my Dads side are twins, Amy and Gemma.
MONICA: Are they the English ones you used to spend your holidays with?
CHANDLER: Yeah. Theyre quite a bit younger then me though. Turned twenty-one in March. Will, their older brother is closer to my age.
MONICA: Whats he like?
CHANDLER: Hes twenty-six and the male equivalent of Phoebe.
MONICA: Blonde, bizarre and boppy?
CHANDLER: No, he makes up weird songs, with titles like, "Oh Its Great When Chandler Goes Back To America", and , "Ode To A Storm-trooper" and then theyre about elderly bananas going to the zoo for a day trip or a post office being held up by a viscous gang of armed false teeth. Amy and Gemma, unfortunately also play the guitar.
MONICA: Are all your family whack jobs?
SCENE SIX: INSIDE THE POLICE STATION
PHOEBE IS SAT AT A TABLE OPPOSITE THE POLICEMAN WHO ARRESTED HER.
PHOEBE: Look, Ive told you why I was busking, youve told me that I have to fine, so just tell me what it is so I can pay it and go home, Im tired from standing up all day.
POLICEMAN: Well if you hadnt been busking in the first place, you wouldnt be tired, would you? Now the fine is up to my discretion.
PHOEBE: How come because the sign said the fine was $500? Or are you just trying to screw me around?
POLICEMAN: Well, youre not far off. The fine is up to me, because I have to decide whether or not to report you for insulting a police officer, which could set you back another $200. But that all depends.
PHOEBE: On what?
POLICEMAN: On whether or not youll be my date on Saturday. What do you say?
PHOEBE: Are you trying to blackmail me?
POLICEMAN: Oooh, youre sharp! So whats it gonna be?
SCENE SEVEN: MONICA & RACHELS
EVERYONE IS SAT ABOUT IN THE SOFA AREA. MONICA, ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE SAT ON THE SOFA, RACHEL AND JOEY ARE IN THE ARMCHAIRS AND PHOEBE IS SAT ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
ROSS: You said yes!? You said yes to this slime ball? I cant believe you, Phoebe, the guys scum!
PHOEBE: I know, know, but I was busking to try and earn extra money and it cost me 500 dollars! If Id have said no it would have cost me $7oo and that would have wiped out my entire Grandma fund! I didnt want to but I had to, Ross, really I did.
ROSS: I suppose.
PHOEBE: Ive even started massaging psycho bitch again, thats how much I want money.
RACHEL: Well, you know if theres anything we can do.....................
PHOEBE: Hey, do any of you guys want to go on a double date Saturday night?
JOEY: Me, Ross, Chandler have got hockey tickets, sorry.
MONICA: Im working Saturday night.
RACHEL: Im going to my sisters for the weekend, remember?
PHOEBE: (Phoebe stands up and starts pacing around, yelling in a very teacher-like manner) Ah-ha! So, "If theres anything we can do" (in Rachels face) doesnt actually apply to the crisis on Saturday, then. What a bunch of friends you turned out to be! Oh, its all, "Im there for you, Pheebs," (in Monica and Rachels faces) and, "If theres anything we can do, just say the word", but when the craps in the air conditioning YOU ARE NOWHERE!! (Right in the Chandlers face who jumps up from the sofa and hides behind Joey)
CHANDLER: (Tentatively) Dont you mean when the shit hits the fan were nowhere?
PHOEBE: No, extra nipple freak, this is a much bigger crisis then that!
ROSS: You couldnt let it go, could you?
RACHEL: Look, Phoebe, I can cancel this weekend and go another if you want. Im sure Jill will understand.
PHOEBE: Thats okay. Ill figure something out.
RACHEL: You sure? I mean you dont want to end up being convicted of grievous bodily harm to a police officer.
PHOEBE: (Sitting down) Am I really that bad?
CHANDLER: You could be the female Hannibal Lector!
(Phoebe gets up and starts advancing menacingly towards Chandler)
CHANDLER: (Standing up and legging it for the door) Me and my big mouth!
(Chandler trips on his way and goes sprawling on the floor, Phoebe stands over him and puts her foot on his back, pinning him to the floor. Chandler tries in vain to wriggle along the ground to the door)
CHANDLER: (Ever so slightly garbled) Im sorry, Phoebe, Im sorry, Im a loser, youre a winner, Im a weak, youre strong, youre beautiful, Im ugly. Please let me off the floor!
PHOEBE: What a weenie! (lets him up) Did you know he was this weak, Monica?
MONICA: Phoebe, Ive slept with the guy, of course I do!
CHANDLER: Nothing makes a man happier then support form his best friends. I am now officially the worlds most dejected man. And how good that feels!
SCENE EIGHT: SATURDAY NIGHT, OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT
PHOEBE & GUNTHER ARE STOOD OUTSIDE AND ARE ABOUT TO GO IN
PHOEBE: Thank you so much for doing this, Gunther.
GUNTHER: Youre welcome.
PHOEBE: So youre just going to sit in the corner and if I run for the exit, then you know I need moral support, okay?
GUNTHER: What happened to the compulsive coughing and I pretend to be a Dr. who insists on you going home to rest, scenario?
PHOEBE: I was being ironic.
GUNTHER: About the running for the exit or the choking?
PHOEBE: The RUNNING, mange boy! Lets go. (Goes in and Gunther follows)
SCENE NINE: INSIDE THE RESTAURANT
PHOEBE GOES OVER TO THE POLICEMAN AT A TABLE WHO STANDS UP AND PULLS OUT A CHAIR FOR HER. GUNTHER GOES TO THE MAITRE-D (?) WHO SHOWS HIM TO A TABLE FOR ONE BY THE KITCHEN DOOR WHERE PHOEBES TABLE IS TOTALLY OUT OF SIGHT.
PHOEBE: Thanks. Its a nice place.
POLICEMAN: So who was that guy then?
PHOEBE: What guy?
POLICEMAN: The guy who could cost you $200. The one you came in with, who was that?
PHOEBE: Oh, I dropped my purse, he picked it up for me.
POLICEMAN: I dont believe you, but will let it go on the condition you kiss me.
PHOEBE: Im not going to kiss you, I dont even know your name!
POLICEMAN: Dave. (Kisses her full on and holds his hands behind her head so she cant break away).
(Gunther is now at the bar getting a drink. When he tries to take out his money to pay for it, he cant find his wallet. He makes a big deal of trying to find it, but the guy at the bar whistles and these two huge guys come over and throw him out of the restaurant. He tries to yell to Phoebe but her face is still connected to Daves. However, Dave sees him go.)
PHOEBE: (Breaking away) Please dont do that again, Id hate to tread on the dung beetle youll become in your next life.
PHOEBE: Okay, feel free. (Starts looking around for Gunther)
DAVE: Looking for your friend? He got thrown out. (Clicks his fingers and a waiter comes over) Waiter, a bottle of wine for my fiancée. (The waiter leaves. Phoebe looks horrified)
PHOEBE: (Picking up menu) Lets order. You know, Im not that hungry, so I think Ill skip dinner and just have the Chocolate Nemesis.
DAVE: Ive already ordered the six course set menu. Sorry.
(The waiter enters)
WAITER: Your champagne, sir. (Sets on the table after pouring two glasses out)
(The waiter leaves)
PHOEBE: Okay, why are you doing this?
DAVE: Ursula dumped me.
DAVE: So I figure, how can I hurt her? Then I remember she has a twin sister, Phoebe, who plays inside Central Perk in the Village and I decided to pay you a visit and get you for whatever I could. When you started busking outside it was like a dream come true. Twin sisters are always sickeningly close.
PHOEBE: (Gets up and starts to yell making a huge scene) Were not. In fact I hate her guts. But Im glad she dumped you, because you are such a slimy bastard that youre worse then a decomposing frog at the bottom of a pond, losing its limbs and entrails into the sludge that surrounds it. You have the breath of a CESSPIT, and the kiss of an EMOTIONALLY STUNTED, ADOLESCENT WARTHOG!! (Legs it out of the restaurant, to the applause of the other diners)
WAITER: (To Dave) So the weddings off then, sir?!
DAVE: (Shoving him aside and following Phoebe) Piss off!
SCENE TEN: CHANDLER & JOEYS
MONICA, CHANDLER, ROSS AND JOEY ARE PLAYING MONOPOLY IN CHANDLERS ROOM, USING THE BED AS A TABLE.
ROSS: Tell me again why were playing in here.
JOEY: Since we sold the entertainment centre, the chick and the duck sleep in the replacement football table.
MONICA: Chandler, its your go. Ooo youre coming up to my hotels! I hope youve booked a room!
CHANDLER: Not this time. The law of averages says that its virtually impossible to land on the same square for the fifth time running.
MONICA: Yeah, but you said that on the third and the fourth times, too.
CHANDLER: (Throwing dice) YES! Six! And on to chance I go. What was that you were saying?
JOEY: (Draws him a chance card) Advance to Boardwalk.
ROSS: Sorry, what was that the law of averages, Chandler?
CHANDLER: (Grabs the card and reads it) Does anyone have a noose handy?
MONICA: No. Pay up!
CHANDLER: No, I already paid in sperm four months ago.
SCENE ELEVEN: OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT
PHOEBE RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR. SHE STARTS TO WALK HOME. SHE DROPS HER PURSE AND WHEN SHE STOPS TO PICK IT UP, DAVE STANDS ON HER HAND.
DAVE: I didnt appreciate that, Phoebe. Your fine is now a grand total of $700!
GUNTHER (Unseen): Excuse me.
DAVE: (Standing up) What!
(Gunther smacks in the face with a full punch. Dave falls dead over, knocked out)
GUNTHER: You dropped your teeth. (Shakes fist in pain)
PHOEBE: (Hugging him) Thank you so much, Gunther.
GUNTHER: I think I broke my hand. (Faints)
(Phoebe is now in-between two unconscious bodies)
PHOEBE: (In her Phoebe way) Oh no!
SCENE TWELVE: CHANDLER & JOEYS
THE SAME AS BEFORE. CHANDLER, ROSS, MONICA ARE PACKING UP THE GAME. JOEY IS FUSSING OVER THE CHICK AND THE DUCK IN THE TABLE.
ROSS: (From bedroom) Why are we packing up? You lost the game, Joey.
JOEY: Well this is your chance to make me feel better.
(Theres a knock on the door. Joey answers it. There is a girl stood outside it, about twenty one years old, tall, brown hair and shes depressed. Shes wearing a rucksack and theres a suitcase next to her. Can you guess who she is yet?)
JOEY: Can I help you?
AMY: Yeah, Im looking for Chandler Bing. Is he in, please? Im Amy.
CHANDLER: (Coming out of his room) Amy? How did you get here?
AMY: (Coming in) Well I kind of stole my Dads credit card, withdrew all the money from his account and got the next plane to New York.
(Everyone comes out of Chandlers room and stares at Amy)
CHANDLER: Why? Whats happened that you need to come here for?
AMY: Gemma, mmm, sort of died yesterday and I didnt know where to go, because everywhere at home reminds me of her.
CHANDLER: (Obviously shocked) Gemmas dead? How?
AMY: She killed herself.
SCENE THIRTEEN: OUTSIDE GUNTHERS APARTMENT
GUNTHERS HAND IS IN PLASTER AND HE IS OBVIOUSLY DRUGGED UP, A LA ROSS IN TOW NANA DIES TWICE. PHOEBE IS HALF DRAGGING HIM TO THE DOOR.
PHOEBE: Hows your hand?
GUNTHER: I dont know. A beautiful woman is standing in front of me. If you asked me how my sex-drive is, now that I could tell you.
PHOEBE: You dont mean that Gunther. Youre confusing with me with Rachel.
GUNTHER: Noooooooooooooooo. I mean you. I only fancied Rachel because I hated Ross. Ive been in love with you since you kissed me for my cold.
PHOEBE: Really? Youre not just saying that because of the narcotics?
GUNTHER: Well, they help, but no. Youre funny, sexy, original, your songs are coooool and you care about your friends.
PHOEBE: What about you, though? You care about your friends. You broke your hand for me, you beat up that sleaze for me, (Gunther kisses her), oh wow............
(They kiss. Passionately. Ahhhhhhhh! ! ! ! ! )
PHOEBE AND GUNTHER ARE IN BED, MAKING LOVE UNDER THE COVERS.
THE COVERS ARE THROWN BACK. ROSS IS REVEALED.
ROSS: Yes, sweetie?
GUNTHER: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !