Written by: Nicholas Davies
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Phoebe and Chandler are playing cards, Joey is
watching TV in his chair.]
Phoebe: Ummm, OK, you got any threes? (Before Chandler says anything, she reaches for the pile between them)
Chandler: W-w-whoa, Pheebs. Isnt it traditional to wait for the person to answer you before you go fish?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, but see, you have that smudge of toothpaste on your mouth, so I knew you didnt have any, and I just went ahead.
Chandler: That doesnt make any sense!
Phoebe: Yeah it does! Toothpaste smudge, no threes! Duh!
Chandler: OK, well, youre wearing a red top; that means you have two sixes!
Phoebe: Well now, thats just silly!
Chandler: And your theory makes more sense because...?
Phoebe: Alright, do you have any threes?
Chandler: (hopefully) Yes?
Phoebe: OK, no, pay up.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is telling Monica and Joey about Phoebe]
Chandler: Im telling you, shes never wrong! Maybe her thing about being a psychic isnt just wishful thinking.
Monica: Chandler, it was probably a lucky guess. I mean, she only had a one in thirteen chance of being wrong. Less, if she had any threes.
Joey: (baffled) How did you figure that out?
Monica: (she treats Joey nicely, but you can tell she thinks hes stupid) Well, there are four threes in a deck, so thats a four in fifty-two chance, which is the same as one in thirteen. (Joey doesnt understand)
Joey: Yeah, well...Hey! Chandler, why did you even ask Phoebe to prove you had threes when you actually did?
Chandler: (after a moment of thought) You know, that never occurred to me.
Joey: (to Monica, exasperated with Chandler) You slept with this guy?
Monica: Well, you live with him! (Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Oh, hi, you were just talking about me.
Chandler: You see?
Monica: (amazed) Phoebe, how did you know that?
Phoebe: (To Monica) Well, see the way your shirt sleeve almost covers your watch but not quite? That means that Im on your mind. And how your mouths were all moving a second ago? (she demonstrates) That means that you guys were talking.
Joey: OK, I get the mouths thing...
Chandler: (Sarcastically) Hey, youre a psychic too!
Joey: ...but what does Monicas watch have to do with anything?
Phoebe: Well, I dont know..I just always seemed to know these things.
Chandler: Pheebs, have you ever considered becoming a fortune teller?
Joey: Or maybe one of those hotline psychics?
Phoebe: (gasps) Hey, thats a great idea!
Chandler: (modest) Oh, well....
Phoebe: Not you; Joey! I mean those hotlines charge, like, two dollars per minute! The psychics must make great money! (she realizes something and sighs) Oh, but I have to be able to see the people to figure out whats up with them; I cant do it over the phone! (she sighs again) I guess Ill have to settle for a regular fortune teller. Oh, by the way, where do you apply for a job as a fortune teller?
Chandler: (shrugging) A carnival?
Joey: (shrugs) Sounds good.
Monica: Pheebs, why dont you try being self-employed?
Phoebe: Ummm, OK, that wouldnt work cause me paying me would leave me right
where me started.
Monica: No, I mean, like, maybe open your own store somewhere. A fortune telling store!
Phoebe: (she nods) Uh-huh, and with what money would I do that?
Monica: Well, why dont you give free readings at the coffee house, and then you can set up a stand somewhere...
Chandler: Ahh, like a nine-year-olds lemonade stand.
Monica: (ignoring Chandler) Then, people will see how great you are, and you can jack up the price, and then, when you have enough cash, you can get your own shop!
Phoebe: Okay, that sounds good, but if the people already know how good I am, what would be the point of wasting money on a store? I mean, it seems to me that the stand is pretty sufficient.
Joey: Yeah, whatve you got against Phoebes stand?
Monica: Nothing, I just thought that an actual store would be more professional.
Chandler: Quit dissing the stand! (Monica puts her hands up as if to say, "OK, OK, Im backing off.")
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Rachel is flipping through a magazine, Joey and Ross are watching basketball]
Rachel: (looking up from her magazine) Dont you think that Michael Jordan is getting a little old for basketball?
Ross: Rach, he retired.
Rachel: (confused) Oh..well then, whos that big guy trying to keep up with the others?
Joey: Thats Patrick Ewing!
Ross & Joey: (as they roll their eyes) Women.
Rachel: Well, hey, hey! I bet you two are so dumb you cant even name the seven dwarves!
Joey: From "Snow White?"
Ross: Well, lets see: theres Happy..
Joey: And Dopey.
Rachel: OK, four more.
Rachel: No, no. There is no sexy dwarf.
(Ross and Joey furrow their brows in deep thought, then Joey jumps up, very enthusiastic)
Joey: We have four more dwarves?
Rachel: Thats right.
Joey: Scary, Sporty, Baby, and Posh! (Rachel shakes her head)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there.]
Joey: (still trying to name the dwarves) Stupid.....Ugly......Gassy....
Chandler: Gassy? Does he do that thing that Sneezy does, where all the dwarves run up to him and cover his ass, but then he...
Monica: (Desperate to stop Chandler and put Joey out of his misery) OK Joey, the seven dwarves are...
Rachel: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Monica! No helping! Joey and Ross have to get this on their own!
Ross: Actually, Rachel, I really dont care.
Joey: Aww, man; come on, Ross! I was counting on you!
Ross: Sorry, but it doesnt mean all that much to me.
Phoebe: Oh, yes it does!
Ross: No, it doesnt.
Phoebe: You cant fool me. Dont think I cant see half-empty coffee cup! Youre really stressed over this.
(Ross is near tears)
Ross: Youre right! What kind of an idiot am I? Only a moron doesnt know the seven dwarves!
Joey: Hey, its OK, Ross. I dont know them either.
(theres a pause)
Ross: (starts sobbing) Only a moron doesnt know the seven dwarves!
(Joey is offended, but only slightly)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there; Monica is entering]
Monica: So Chandler, I was going to go to the video store. Do you wanna come?
Chandler: Sure, lets go rent a movie.
Rachel: Hey you guys, everyone knows about you now; you dont have to pretend youre not doing it.
Chandler: Alright, lets go have sex. (Rachel shudders)
Rachel: OK, yknow, that just totally grosses me out. Keep pretending.
(Chandler and Monica leave the room.)
Joey: (getting up suddenly) Oh oh, Rach! I got the last four dwarves! Theyre John, Paul, George, and Ringo!
Rachel: No, no; those are the Beatles.
Joey: Are you sure its not Snow White and the Seven Beatles?
Rachel: Yeah Joey, Im pretty sure. (Joey looks defeated, then starts to open his mouth.) Dont even try the Monkees. (Joey looks defeated again; Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hi, everyone! I just talked to Gunther, and he said I could give my free readings tomorrow.
Rachel: Thats great Pheebs!
Joey: (glum) Yeah, great.
Phoebe: Ew, whats up with him?
Rachel: Oh, hes just mad cause he cant name the seven dwarves.
Phoebe: Ugh, still? OK, Joey; Ill give you a hint. (Joey turns towards Phoebe) OK, think Bugs Bunny....Bugs Bunny....Whats up *blank*?
Joey: Oh, Elmer! (Phoebe shakes her head) Tweety? (she shakes her head again) Daffy?
Phoebe: OK, youre a hopeless cause. (Joey gets all depressed again.)
Rachel: So Pheebs, do you need any kind of wardrobe to be a fortune teller? The store is still open, and I can go back in to get you some stuff.
Phoebe: Oh, thatd be great! I was thinking, like a turban or something like that, and then maybe some kind of big, floppy, shiny dress.
Rachel: Yknow, I dont think Bloomingdales carries stuff like that. Why dont we try a costume shop?
Phoebe: OK, whatever.
Joey: (jumping up suddenly) Oh, I have one!
Rachel: What? A turban and floppy dress?
Joey: No, a dwarf! Sleepy!
Rachel: (shocked) Actually, youre right, Joey! Do you know the other three?
Joey: Ummm.....Curly, Moe, and Larry?
Rachel: (shes lost her faith in Joey) OK Pheebs, lets go.
Phoebe: OK. (She turns to Joey) Oh, and by the way, I thought you hit the nail right on the head with Curly. (Phoebe and Rachel exit, Joey is pleased with himself.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, after Monica and Chandler...yknow. Theyre talking to each other lovingly.]
Monica: Oh, I love you.
Chandler: I love you too. (They kiss)
Monica: OK, Im going to clean up this mess (she looks around at the clothes in the floor and makes a face.)
Chandler: OK. I have to take a shower.
(Monica picks up the clothes and puts them in the laundry basket and goes into the hallway to put the clothes in the chute. She opens it up and dumps the clothes in.
Chandler: (from inside) Oh, and if you put the clothes in the basket, be careful of the chick. She likes to sleep in there.
(Monica looks at the basket, realizes the chick is gone, and looks, horrified, into the laundry chute).
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is wearing her fortune teller outfit at a table with a
long line of people to see her. Monica enters flustered.]
Monica: (whispering to Phoebe) Is Joey here?
Phoebe: No, and you better be glad. Murderer!
Monica: Yknow, your psychic thing is getting to be a pain. (as she says this next part, Joey walks up behind her) And anyway, I didnt murder anyone, I just dropped the chick down the laundry chute. (Joey gasps, scaring Monica and making her scream.)
Joey: You dropped the chick down the laundry chute? Why were you taking the laundry from our room...(realizes what she was doing and smiles) Oh... (back on subject) Didnt you see her?
Monica: No; its a white basket, white chick, she blended in! Look, the important thing is that the chick could be spinning in the dryer right now.
Phoebe: (yelling over from her table) No, no. Shed still be in the washer. Which isnt so bad. (thinks for a minute) She can swim, right?
Joey: (angry) Thats the duck!
Phoebe: Sorry, anyone can get them confused.
Joey: (to Monica) Why arent you back there searching for the chick?
Monica: I just didnt want to be there when Chandler realized she was gone!
Joey: Mon, what was Chandler doing when you left?
Monica: Taking a shower; why?
(Just then, Chandler runs in, all wet, in a bathrobe, and in a panic)
Chandler: The chick is missing! The chick is missing! (Joey gives Monica a look)
Monica: Oh, all right. Chandler, I accidentally dropped her down the laundry chute.
Chandler: (shocked) What? I told you to be careful!
Monica: Yeah, after I dropped her! Look, why dont we go back to the laundry room and help her.
Chandler: OK, but Im not putting out for another week. (whispering to Monica) And by that I mean another day. (They walk out with Joey.)
[Scene: The laundry room, Chandler (still in a bathrobe), Joey, and Monica are searching frantically for the chick]
(They notice a commotion coming from one of the washing machines. Chandler opens it, and the chick comes flying out in a frenzy. Chandler and Joey both jump and try to catch her. Monica waits patiently for the chick to run out of momentum, then picks her up off the ground)
Monica: Dont you know that chickens cant fly for more than a few seconds? (Joey and Chandler look at each other and shrug)
Joey: All right, lets go up and make sure the ducks OK. (Realizes something, the next part is in his head) Duck-Doc! Doc! Doc is a dwarf! Doc! Thats what Phoebe meant by Bugs Bunny! (he runs out, leaving Chandler and Monica look at each other, very confused)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Rachel and Phoebe are discussing the fortune-telling]
Rachel: Pheebs, you were great! You really freaked out all those people; especially that lady who didnt know her daughter was a stripper!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I figured it was either me or Ricki Lake, yknow, so I decided to spare her the embarrassment of beingon national television.
Rachel: Well actually Pheebs, there was a camera crew from CBS there.
Phoebe: (surprised) Oh, there was? (suddenly worried) Did my hair look OK?
Rachel: You were wearing a turban.
Phoebe: (relieved) Oh, good. It would have been so humiliating if it was all messed up.
(Ross enters holding a box, his hair is tousled, his clothes are torn; basically: he looks very sloppy.)
Phoebe: Oh, see, like that. (she points to Ross)
Rachel: (getting up) What happened to you?
Ross: Oh, I got trampled by a bunch of animal rights activists cause they thought I was carrying a dog fur. But (he grins in anticipation) it was a live dog! (he pulls a puppy out of the box. Rachel and Phoebe run up and start fussing over the dog).
Rachel: Oh, hes (she looks between the dogs legs to check something) SHEs so cute!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, totally! Isnt this kind of sudden though?
Ross: Well yeah, but yknow, I havent had a pet since Marcel, and they were gonna put this puppy to sleep, so I just took her home. AND shes house-broken and has all her shots from her previous family.
Rachel: Have you named her yet?
Ross: Well actually, I thought I would name her after one of my best friends.
Rachel: Oh, me?
Phoebe: (she snorts) Fat chance. He wants to name it Marcella. (Ross stares at her in shock, so she explains) Youre wearing a blue jacket.
Ross & Rachel: Oh!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is watching Phoebe finish up a song.]
Phoebe: And thats why I like butter! (everyone applauds) Thank you! Oh, for those of you who were astounded and amazed by my fortune-telling yesterday, Ill be doing it again today. Oh oh, only today, its one dollar for a reading. (a line of about ten to fifteen people forms by Phoebes table as she puts on her turban. She sits down; to the first client:) OK, you talk in your sleep.
Client: Hey, how did you know that?
Phoebe: Oh, a fortune teller never gives away her psychic sources. Lets keep going. Ooooh, youre going to have an affair with another woman.
Client: (angry) Hey, thatll never happen. I love my wife AND KIDS very much!
Phoebe: Yeah I know, but still, this girl is really hot!
Client #1: All right, when is this alleged affair supposed to happen?
Phoebe: I dont know; let me see your nails. (the man looks at her strangely, but obliges) Oooo, tonight. Come by tomorrow and tel me how she was!
Client: OK, if I sleep with another woman tonight, Ill endorse your services in my newspaper column. I have a newspaper column, by the way. (Phoebe nods) If I dont, you have to shut your little operation down.
Phoebe: Fine, but dont call this an operation. You make it sound like Im dealing drugs.
[Scene: Phoebes apartment, Phoebe and the guy are in bed, very tired (get it?)]
Phoebe: (out of breath) So, youll write good things about me in your newspaper, huh?
Client: (also out of breath) Oh God, yes!
Phoebe: I meant about my fortune-telling.
Client: Oh, ummm...so did I!
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, the gang is there]
Phoebe: And hes a great guy, very cute, very smart, oh! And just a little bit married. (Everyone is shocked)
Monica: Phoebe, you slept with a married guy?
Phoebe: I didnt mean to!
Chandler: Well, if it was an accident....
Phoebe: Anyway, what Im more concerned about is that this guy probably thought that I predicted that hed cheat on his wife so that I could sleep with him and get a good review.
Ross: And did you?
Phoebe: NO! But he might think so. And....oh! I feel so bad for his wife and kids! I never thought of that! (Everyone rolls their eyes)
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Monica, Joey and Chandler are comforting the
Joey: Cmon, just one little....What do you call the sound a chick makes?
Chandler: A cluck.
Joey: (to the chick) Cmon, just one cluck?
Chandler: Joey, when was the last time you heard this chick make a sound?
Joey: When the duck was pecking at her head. Oh! (starts poking the chicks head repeatedly with his finger)
Monica: I think youre annoying it.
Joey: She knows Im only playing. (the chick bites him) Oww!!!
Monica: Well, at least shes not freaked out any more. (she reaches over to pet the chick, who ducks her head)
Chandler: Yes she is; shes freaked out AND pissed!
Monica: Well, maybe she doesnt like me because I sent her down the laundry chute.
Joey: Oh yeah! (reaches down to pick her up, but the chick bites him again)
Chandler: Shes still mad at you.
Joey: Aww, come on! How long can she hold a grudge?
Chandler: Joey, when I kissed Kathy, you threatened to ignore me for five years!
Joey: But I didnt!
Monica: So, let her be mad for a little while. Itll pass. (tries to touch her, but again the chick avoids her) Aww, come on!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is doing the psychic thing again.]
Phoebe: (to her client, the wife of the guy she slept with [but she doesnt know that]) Oh, your hair is uneven. (the woman is offended) That means your husband cheated on you. (Realizes) Umm, does your husband work for a newspaper?
Woman: Yeah, how did you know that?
Phoebe: Umm, he came here and said that if my fortune was right, hed give me a good review as a fortune-teller. And my fortune was that hed sleep with another woman. Turns out that other woman was me.
Woman: Oh my God, you had sex with him just to get a good review?
Phoebe: Oh no! Hes smart, sensitive, kind...
Woman: I know; Im married to him.
Phoebe: Oh, thats right. Well anyway, Im really sorry and...Wait a minute. Show me your palms. (she does so, and Phoebe gasps) You cheated on him too!
Woman: Look, I really regret doing it, and if you dont tell Ben....
Woman: My husband.
Phoebe: Oh, is that his name? He never told me. (thinks this over) That didnt come out right.
Woman: Well anyway, if you dont tell him, I will totally overlook you having sex with him.
Phoebe: Hmmm, OK. Deal!
Woman: Thanks. (quietly) That actually has something to do with why I came here. Can you tell me if Im pregnant?
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are still there. Ross enters with Marcella]
Ross: Hey, everyone! (Joey, Chandler, and Monica rush up and start creating a commotion over Marcella)
Monica: Oh my God! What a cute dog! What kind is it?
Ross: Oh, shes a labrador mix.
Chandler: I have one question: how did this happen?
Ross: Well, they were going to put this adorable little puppy to sleep, and I figured that, yknow, I got a new apartment, Im starting a new life, might as well get a new pet. (to Marcella) Isnt that right Marcella? (everyone bursts into laughter)
Monica: Marcella? After Marcel?
Joey: Oh, thats why he called it that. I thought he just liked stupid names. (thinks for a minute) Like Marcel.
Ross: Its not stupid! Its European!
Chandler: Actually, shes-a-peein...... on our floor! (Ross looks at Marcella and gasps).
[Central Perk: Phoebe is a fortune-teller again. Gunther comes up to her]
Gunther: Ummm, Phoebe?
Gunther: Umm, people are complaining about you revealing their secrets to people that they shouldnt be revealed to. Im afraid Im gonna have to ask you to close down your little stand.
Phoebe: Little? (looks around at it) Its actually pretty big. (pauses) Oh, thats not the point, is it? (Gunther shakes his head). Oh! You know what? I can give you a free reading if you let me keep going.
Phoebe: OK. (to the customers on line) This guys cutting the line; kay? (theres general booing; Phoebe examines Gunthers forhead) Ooh, someone has a crush on you! (looks inside his ear) Oh, shes about to come in! (they both look at the door, Rachel enters. Gunther is ecstatic) Oh my God! (to Rachel) Rachel, do you like Gunther?
Rachel: Umm, no. I mean as a friend, but not in a sexual way. Sorry Gunther.
Phoebe: (looking at Gunthers forehead again) Oh, its the other way around. Gunther likes Rachel! Gunther likes Rachel!
Gunther: (red with embarassment) You are out of here! (leaves in rage)
Phoebe: Hey Rachel! Gunther likes you!
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, the gang minus Ross is there]
Joey: Rachel, Ive got the dwarves! Theres Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, and Bashful!
Rachel: You looked them up, didnt you?
Joey: (he obviously did, and he tries to pretend he didn't) No... (Ross enters)
Phoebe: (to Ross) Hi! Did you find a nice home for your dog? Im sorry, I cant say her name cause it makes me laugh, and this is a very serious time.
Ross: Yeah, I gave her to this really nice lady who breeds dogs, so Im pretty sure she treats them OK.
Joey: Hey Ross, does this lady live on Long Island by any chance?
Ross: Yeah, why?
Joey: Oh, there was an article in the paper about a convict who escaped jail and is posing as a dog breeder.
Ross: Oh my God! Marcella! (He runs out, and Phoebe bursts into a fit of crying and laughing at the same time)
Monica: Umm, Phoebe? Are you laughing or crying?
Phoebe: I dont know! (continues with her fit)