Written by: Andy1251
DISCLAIMER: These characters all belong to the NBC network and the writers of the show.
This is my first fanfic, so please e-mail me with feedback. =)
[[Scene: Central Perk. The gang, minus Phoebe, sit in their usual spots.]]
MONICA: Hey, where's Phoebe?
ROSS: I don't know.
CHANDLER: You know, I remember her saying something about taking something....
RACHEL: And what exactly would that 'something' be?
CHANDLER: I don't remember, actually....
MONICA: Okay, so all we know so far is that Phoebe could either be taking a walk, or
looting the department stores.
RACHEL (A little angry): She was going on a shopping raid and didn't invite me?!
[[Monica shakes her head.]]
OPENING CREDITS
[[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe walks in, and sits in an empty seat.]]
PHOEBE: Hey.
ALL: Hey, Phoebs. Where've you been?
PHOEBE: Oh, I went on a walk.
MONICA (Glaring at Chandler): And that was what slipped your mind?
CHANDLER: I'm sorry, Mon. We all can't be Little Miss Photographic memory!
MONICA (Slightly annoyed): Now what is that supposed to mean?
CHANDLER: You have a lovely memory, and I hope that you won't remember this later tonight,
because we had something special planned!
ROSS: Okay, now I'm ready to hurl my breakfast...
JOEY: I've done that before. It wasn't a pretty sight. The girl's dress was totally
ruined!
[[They all look at Joey.]]
JOEY: What?
RACHEL (Changing the subject): So, how was your walk Phoebs?
PHOEBE: Oh, it was great! Except for this weird freak following me around!
ROSS: What did you do?
PHOEBE: I turned around and talked to him....
CHANDLER: Yes, because that is what normal people do when a stranger follows them!
PHOEBE: Anyway, it turned out he was this reporter for this newspaper!
RACHEL: Really? And what did he want with you...?
PHOEBE: Okay, so I was talking to this other guy earlier, who really was a freak, and the
newspaper guy overheard me, and gave me a job as a reporter!
JOEY: All this just because you talked to a freak? Nothing like that ever happens to me!
PHOEBE: Actually, it was my advice that he was interested in. I'm going to be an advice
columnist!
RACHEL: Hey, you could be he next Ann Landers!
PHOEBE: Oh, God, no...
RACHEL: Why not...? Ann Landers is so nice! She's really helpful, too.
PHOEBE: I think she's a bitch.
ALL (stunned): What? Why?
PHOEBE: When I was on the streets, I wrote a letter to her, and she never responded!
CHANDLER: Did you use a fake, name...? Because those pseudonyms can be so confusing...
PHOEBE: No, I didn't use a fake name. I mean, I really needed help, and she, like just
turned her back on me!
MONICA: What was the letter about?
PHOEBE: Okay, see, the night before I wrote the letter, I found a cheeseburger in a
dumpster. Then this guy came up to me and said 'You know, I've always wondered if tomatoes
were fruits or vegetables,' because, you know, there was a tomato on that cheeseburger. So
then I said 'I think it's a fruit.' And then he said he thought it was a vegetable. And
then it just got ugly.
JOEY: The letter was about that?
PHOEBE: Yes!
RACHEL: Phoebs, no offense, but I don't think that....
[[Phoebe looks at Rachel.]]
RACHEL (quickly changing what she was going to say): I don't think that Ann Landers had
the time to check your letter. She's a very busy women.
PHOEBE: Yeah she's real busy....ignoring people!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cooking, while Ross sits at the
table. Chandler, Joey and Rachel watch TV.]]
MONICA: Hey, Ross, can you hand me the salt?
ROSS: Sure.
[[Ross picks up a shaker and hands it to Monica.]]
MONICA (angrily): Ross!
ROSS: What?
MONICA: This is the pepper shaker!
ROSS: How do you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!!
MONICA: No, they don't. The salt shaker has 6 holes on top. The pepper shaker has 5 holes.
CHANDLER (very sarcastic): Yeah, I can't believe you missed the holes!
MONICA: It's real simple to remember!
RACHEL: Monica, honey, I don't think Einstein himself would have known to check the number
of holes.
MONICA: I use a pneumonic device to remember. See, I always remember that "S"
stands for salt, and "P" stands for pepper. Then, I know that the pepper has 5
holes on top. And because of that, I know that the one with 6 holes is salt, because the
letter "S" comes after "P".
[[They all look confused.]]
MONICA: See, I told you it was simple!
[[Phoebe enters the apartment.]]
ALL: Hey Phoebs.
PHOEBE: Hey. Oh! I got the material for my advice column!
JOEY: Material?
PHOEBE: Yeah, you know, the letters from the people who need advice.
ROSS: Oh, okay, that makes sense. Because when you said material I thought you meant you
were going to be a stand up comedian instead.
PHOEBE: Now why on Earth would I do something like that?
CHANDLER: Have you started on any of the letters?
[[Phoebe sits down on an empty seat.]]
PHOEBE: Yeah.
RACHEL: Oh, can I see?
PHOEBE: Sure!
[[She hands a few letters out to Joey, Chandler and Rachel.]]
RACHEL (reading a letter): "Dear Miss Buffay, my wife seems to be depressed. Whenever
I try to cheer her up, she doesn't respond. What do I do?" Signed "Billy."
PHOEBE: Oh, that's one of the best ones.
RACHEL (reading her response): "Dear Billy, is she breathing? Because if she's not,
she may be dead."
[[Phoebe looks proud with herself.]]
ROSS (sarcastically): Great advice, Phoebs.
CHANDLER (reading the letter Phoebe gave him): "Dear Miss Buffay, my boyfriend
doesn't seem to love me anymore. What should I do?" signed "Miss K."
(Chandler reads the response) "Answer hazy, ask again later."
MONICA: Phoebe!
PHOEBE: What?!
MONICA: These people are going to you for advice, and not an answer from the magic 8-ball!
PHOEBE: I know, but I couldn't answer that one!
JOEY: Why couldn't you just ignore it and pretend you didn't see it?
PHOEBE: That would be wrong!
CHANDLER: Isn't impersonating an 8-ball illegal in most states?
ROSS: Phoebs, you don't have to answer every letter.
PHOEBE: Yes I do! I'd feel guilty if I couldn't help these people.
RACHEL: Are you still upset about the Ann Landers thing?
PHOEBE: Yeah, kinda..
MONICA: Listen, Phoebe. You have a gift of helping people. It doesn't matter how many you
help. Just doing it is enough.
PHOEBE: Yeah, right, like that'll hold up in any court of law.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler's watching TV]]
JOEY (from his room): Turn it down in there!
CHANDLER: I can barely hear Pamela Lee bounce!
JOEY (from his room): You're watching Baywatch?
CHANDLER: Yeah!
[[Joey runs out of his room. Joey sees what he's really watching.]]
JOEY: Chandler!
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: You said you were watching Baywatch!
CHANDLER: I am!
JOEY: You're watching the news!
CHANDLER: Yes. Baywatch was preempted.
JOEY: Fine. I'm going back in.
[[Joey goes back in his room.]]
CHANDLER: Hey, Joey! It's back on!
[[Joey runs back into the room, to find that the news is still on.]]
JOEY: You did it again!
CHANDLER: Would you look at that? They switched to the news again!
JOEY: Wait a minute...
[[There's a knock on the door. Phoebe walks in.]]
CHANDLER: Hey, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hey, Chandler. Do you still have your laptop?
CHANDLER: Yeah, why?
PHOEBE: They're turning my column into an internet website! It's being put up today, and I
wanted to check it out.
CHANDLER: Sure, no problem.
PHOEBE (To Joey): What're you watching?
JOEY: Baywatch.
PHOEBE: But isn't that the ---
[[Chnadler walks back in the room with his laptop.]]
CHANDLER: Let me plug it in and boot it up.
[[They both sit at the counter.]]
CHANDLER: Let me just log in here...
[[The computer makes weird noises.]]
PHOEBE: Is it supposed to do that?
CHANDLER: Yeah, pretty much. What's the site address?
[[Phoebe gives Chandler a piece of paper. Chandler types on the keyboard.]]
CHANDLER: There you go. Call me if you need anything.
[[Chandler goes back on the couch and grabs the remote. He flips through a few channels,
and Baywatch pops up.]]
JOEY: Hey, you said that we were watching Baywatch already!
CHANDLER: I was joking.
JOEY: What? Why would you do that?!
[[They start to argue.]]
PHOEBE: STOP! STOP RIGHT NOW!!
CHANDLER: Sorry, Phoebs.
PHOEBE (ignoring him): NO! Bad! BAD ERROR 51!
[[Chandler rushes to the laptop.]]
CHANDLER: What is it?
PHOEBE: A connection with the server couldn't be established!
CHANDLER: Let me try.
[[Chandler tries. The error still appears.]]
CHANDLER: Huh. It must not be working.
JOEY: Hey, Phoebs, maybe you could give it some advice.
PHOEBE: I'll give it some advice. Go to hell, stupid machine!
[[Phoebe continues to swear at the computer while we fade out.]]
CLOSING CREDITS
[[Scene: Central Perk. The gang sits in their usual spots.]]
MONICA: I'm sorry that your website didn't work out, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I am too. They really didn't need to take it down.
ROSS: Phoebe, you fought with your boss.
PHOEBE: Well, he should've spent the time to make sure everything was okay with the
technology.
RACHEL: I don't think the boss is in charge of that.
CHANDLER: Yeah. Springsteen and the internet is a scary thought.
[[They groan at Chandler's pun.]]
THE END