Written by: Firestorm17
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
{This is my first Friends fanfic. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not as good as the real writers. That being said, I have decided to do something different with this. I have added a new character, Robyn, who is loosely based on myself. She is played by Neve Campbell. Also, I seem to have the same writing style as Rachel: really long. This episode is meant to follow "TOW All the Kips." Now, if I haven't already talked you out of it, enjoy this fanfic.}
[Central Perk. All the usual gang except Ross and Chandler are sitting around drinking coffee. Ross enters, really depressed.]
ROSS: (in his trademarked way) Hi.
JOEY: Hey, what's wrong, man?
ROSS: (collapses on the couch and buries his face in his hands) My marriage is over.
ALL: What?
ROSS: Emily changed her mind. She decided she can't forgive me no matter what I do, so she's getting back together with her old boyfriend.
All: (ad-lib sympathy)
ROSS: These came today. (drops papers onto the coffee table)
MON: (picks up the papers) Ross, these are divorce papers.
PHOEBE: Oh, no.
ROSS: I know. I can't believe she's divorcing me.
JOEY: Hey, it's not like that's never happened to you before. (seeing everyone's shocked expressions) What?
ROSS: (ignoring Joey) And as if that weren't enough for one day, you know my landlord, Emily's cousin? He told me I have to be out of my apartment by tomorrow.
RACH: Well, what about your old apartment?
ROSS: Since I thought I was getting married, I gave up the lease, and someone else moved in.
MON: I know, who would have thought "still smells like monkey" would be such a selling point?
Opening Theme
[The hallway. A woman (ROBYN), carrying a lot of suitcases, is walking along the hall looking at the apartment numbers and collides with Joey, who has just come up the stairs. The suitcases crash to the floor. Both fall all over themselves apologizing. Then, Robyn finally gets her fallen suitcases into some semblance of order and starts paying attention to Joey.]
ROBYN: Sorry about that. (starts looking through her purse) Say, you wouldn't happen to know where (finally finds a piece of paper in her purse and gives it to Joey) this apartment is, would you?
JOEY: (looks at the paper) Sure, it's right downstairs.
ROBYN: Thanks. Before I ran into you, I was starting to wonder if I was in the right building. (bends over to pick up her suitcases)
JOEY: (only one possible delivery) So, how you doing?
ROBYN: (straightens up very quickly, somewhat alarmed) Excuse me?
JOEY: (trying to appear non-threatening) Well, I was thinking- because you're new to the building- that you could maybe get a cup of coffee with me sometime?
ROBYN: (relieved) I see. Well, okay sometime. (making small talk) So.. You live around here?
JOEY: (indicates apartment 19) Yeah, right there.
ROBYN: (attempting to determine Joey's availability status) All by yourself?
JOEY: (not getting it) No, no, I've got a roommate.
ROBYN: (not sure what he means) A roommate?
[At this point, Chandler comes out of the apartment, carrying the duck.]
CHAN: (upset) Joe, what did I say about keeping the duck out of my closet?
ROBYN: (staring at Chandler, nodding) Yeah, it's good to keep out of the closet. (awkward pause) You know, you two look really familiar. Have we met before?
JOEY: (still clueless) Oh. (indicates himself) Joey Tribbiani.
ROBYN: Didn't you used to be on "Days of Our Lives"? (Joey nods.) That is so cool. Nice to meet you. I'm Robyn Banks.
CHAN: Really? I'm more of a convenience store guy, myself.
ROBYN: (sighs) I know, I know. I have the stupidest name on the planet. And you are?
CHAN: Chandler Bing.
ROBYN: I stand corrected. (sees Chandler's hurt look) Just kidding. (awkward pause) You know, that name's familiar, too, but I can't place.
CHAN: My mother's Nora Bing. Are you a fan of her books?
ROBYN: Actually yes, but that's not it. (suddenly remembers) Oh yeah, now I got it. Last summer, I was in Vegas for a couple months, and there was this show- (sees Chandler's pained expression and shuts up. awkward pause) Nice meeting the both of you. Now, I am going to go downstairs (picks up her suitcases) and try to get my foot out of my mouth. (She leaves, the camera following. halfway down the stairs, under her breath.) Man, after six months in San Francisco, you'd think I'd be used to it.
Commercial
[Late afternoon. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Chandler are making out on the sofa. Then, the doorknob turns, they stop kissing, and Ross and Rachel walk in.]
CHAN: (pretending to count Monica's eyebrows) 346, 347, 348! How did you know that?
MON: (trying to change the subject) So Ross, how goes the apartment search?
ROSS: Not well. Who knew finding an apartment in New York would be so hard?
RACH: Wait a second, why doesn't Ross stay here?
MON: Rach, can I have a word with you? Now? (practically drags Rachel out of the living room and into Monica's room) I don't think that would be such a good idea.
RACH: Why not? It'll only be until he finds his own place.
MON: (tries to come up with any excuse) Rachel, he's your ex-boyfriend. You can't live with him; it'd be too weird!
RACH: No, no, I'm fine with that. Besides, tonight I'll be out with Stephen, and you'll be out with your mystery guy, so neither of us will have to put up with him.
MON: (out of excuses) Well then, no problem. Don't just stand there; go tell him (both go back into the living room) Chandler, could you come in here and help me color-coordinate my socks?
CHAN: (getting the message) Okay. (Chandler and Monica go into Monica's room and shut the door.)
MON: We've got a problem.
CHAN: What's wrong?
MON: Ross is going to be staying here tonight.
CHAN: Why, why, why (succeeds in composing himself) would that be a problem?
MON: Well, his being here would kind of ruin our evening together.
CHAN: Why?
MON: Because he'd kill you.
CHAN: Oh.
MON: So, we're going to have to reschedule our date.
CHAN: (really fast) No, we won't. I'll work everything out with Joey. (realizes what he just said) I mean, we can have our date at my place. Everything will be fine.
MON: You are the best boyfriend! (kisses him and kisses him and kisses him.)
CHAN: I have to go talk to Joey now. (walks out of the apartment and then practically runs across the hall.)
Commercial
[Robyn's apartment downstairs. As her furniture is still in San Francisco, Robyn is trying to sleep in a sleeping bag. A digital alarm clock on the floor reads 11:00 PM. Robyn has her eyes tightly closed, trying to tune out the sound of squeaking bed springs coming from the ceiling. The readout on the clock dissolves to 12:00. The squeaking continues. Robyn now has her finger in her ears. The readout on the clock changes to 2:00. The squeaking goes on. Robyn has turned over and is pressing her pillow over her ears.]
[The hallway. 3:00 AM. Robyn, wearing a jacket over her pyjamas, is pounding on Joey and Chandler's door. The squeaking is still going on.]
ROBYN: (really mad by now) I know you're in there. Now open the door!
[The squeaking coincidentally stops after a few seconds. Joey, having hastily thrown on a robe, answers the door.]
JOEY: Cut it out, will you? People are trying to sleep in here!
ROBYN: I know! I could hear you two "sleeping" from downstairs! (Joey gets a very confused look on his face. Robyn tries very hard to compose herself) Okay, look. I don't have a problem with the way you want to live your life. In fact, about an hour ago, I was sort of impressed with your little friend's endurance. However, I do have to get up in the morning, so could you two please put the love machine in neutral?
JOEY: (totally clueless) What?
ROBYN: I'm just saying that although I don't see anything wrong with what you and Chandler do in the privacy of your own home-
JOEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Chandler and I, we're- (laughs) We're not-
[An abruptly awakened Ross leans out of Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
ROSS: What the hell is going on out here?
JOEY: Nothing! (to Robyn) As I was saying, we're not the kind of guys who are that inconsiderate. Don't worry, we'll be quiet. (quickly goes back into his apartment)
[After the door slams, Robyn looks over at Ross]
ROBYN: Sorry about that.
ROSS: That's all right. (beat) I'm Ross, by the way.
ROBYN: I'm Robyn. (indicates Joey and Chandler's apartment with her head) You know those guys?
ROSS: Yes, I do.
ROBYN: They always act like that?
ROSS: You're telling me.
[Both return to their respective apartments.]
Commercial
[Central Perk. About seven or eight a.m. Gunther is the only one there yet. Robyn comes in and sits at the bar.]
ROBYN: (yawns) Can I get a quadruple espresso over here?
GUN: Have a rough night? (passes her the coffee)
ROBYN: (drains the cup) No, thanks. I already did. (smiles, extends a hand) I'm Robyn Banks. (puts up a hand) Don't say it.
GUN: (shakes Robyn's hand) Pleased to meet you. I'm Gunther Ericsson.
ROBYN: Hi. Can I have some more coffee? (Gunther pours her a cup.) Anyway, I just moved here from San Francisco. I'm living in my cousin's old place. Tracey warned me to be polite to the super, not to ride the subway in the middle of the night. All the usual stuff. Somehow, she forgot to tell me about "America's Most Horny" upstairs. (sees Gunther's questioning look) My upstairs neighbor and his little playmate were at it until three in the morning. I swear, I haven't seen anything shake, rattle and roll like that since the last earthquake. (At this point, Joey and Chandler walk in.) Oh, God. It's them. Frankly, I'm surprised the can still walk. (quickly finishes her coffee, pays Gunther, and unsuccessfully tries to leave without being seen.)
CHAN: Robyn! Hi.
ROBYN: (trying not to look directly at Joey and Chandler, fake-smiling) Hi! Nice to see you again! So how are . .things? Good, good. Love to stay and chat, but I have to go. . .I have to go. (quickly leaves, tripping over the coffee table in the process.)
[Joey and Chandler look at each other, as if to say "What the heck was that?" They go over to get coffee and notice that Gunther is amused about something.]
CHAN: Hey, man. What's up?
GUN: Jasmine owes me five bucks.
[Joey and Chandler look at each other as if to ask if everyone else has gone insane and go find seats.]
[Monica, Rachel, and Ross's apartment. Ross is on the sofa watching Jurassic Park. Monica and Rachel are getting ready for their dates.]
MON: Okay, these earrings or these?
RACH: (points) Definitely those. Your mystery guy is going to love them.
MON: I know!
RACH: These shoes? Or these?
MON: (points) Those. So how are things with Stephen.
RACH: They're great! (lowers her voice) In fact, I think tonight may be the night.
ROSS: (screams. Rachel and Monica turn and look at him. Fortunately for Ross, the movie has gotten to the part where the dilophosaur is attacking Wayne Knight. ashamedly) That part always scares me.
[Chandler and Joey's apartment. About nine p.m. They're sitting in the recliners watching TV. There is a knock at the door. Joey answers the door, and the scene switches to the hallway. Robyn is standing there, holding pizza.]
JOEY: (really excited) The Joey Special! How did you know?
ROBYN: Call it a hunch. Can I come in? (Joey unchains the door.) Listen, I was way out of line last night. I shouldn't have yelled at you. (puts the pizza down on a corner of the table.) I'm just not any good at having rational discussions at three in the morning.
JOEY: It's all right.
ROBYN: I'll try to mind my own business, invest in some earplugs, maybe. (beat) But while we're on the subject, why do you call him Mr. Big- (Chandler gives Joey an alarmed and confused look.)
JOEY: (interrupting) Well, I can see we're keeping you. Don't be a stranger. (starts backing her out into the hall.)
ROBYN: (whispering) Oh, I see. You two want some alone time. Fine, I can take a hint. (overly loud) So I'll see you later, Joey. Maybe take you up on that coffee, 'kay?
JOEY: Okay, listen Robyn. The thing is, I'm not g- (hears footsteps coming down the hallway) gonna be busy at nine tomorrow. That okay with you?
ROBYN: Yeah, sure.
[Robyn starts to go home and meets Rachel, who is coming down the hall. Rachel's been crying, her mascara's running, and she's very upset.]
RACH: Men suck!
ROBYN: (almost automatically) Right on, sister!
[Rachel goes into her apartment and slams the door. Ross is still there and is now watching The Lost World.]
ROSS: So how was your date?
RACH: (sarcastically) Actually, I think we might be moving too fast. On which date do you usually meet the wife's private detective?
ROSS: So not so good, then?
RACH: (collapses onto the sofa) Why do I do this? Why do I always date such losers?
ROSS: (offended) Hey!
RACH: You know what I mean. (beat) Do you know where Monica keeps the vodka?
[Time lapse. Same place 10:30 p.m. They've found the vodka. And the sherry. And the brandy. Isn't it fun living with a chef?]
ROSS: (slurring his words rather badly) No, really. You date all those losers because you want to ruin all your relationships.
RACH: (also very drunk) Me? You're the one that married a lesh- a leshb (gives up trying to pronounce it) You married Carol!
ROSS: We do not need to go there!
RACH: Speak for yourself. I'm on a roll here. And then, when you married Emily, you said my name, because you wanted your marriage to fail!
ROSS: That's not- that's not why I said your name. (sees her inquisitive look) I was kind of, sort of, (very shyly) picturing what it would have been like to marry you.
RACH: Yeah, what would that have been like? (looks directly at Ross) Do you, Ross, take Rachel to be your lawfully wedded wife? [I know there's more, but hey, they're drunk.]
ROSS: (looking back at Rachel, totally smitten) I do. Do you, Rachel, take Ross to be your lawfully wedded husband?
RACH: (starting to cry) I do. I really do. (leans in close and kisses Ross. They kiss and kiss.)
[Time lapse. The next morning. The living room looks like a tornado hit. Clothes are everywhere. Ross and Rachel are on the floor, under one of the blanket used to make up the couch.]
ROSS: Well, that was. . .Was that. . .What was that?
RACH: (starts pulling on clothes and then gets up, with Ross doing the same) Well, we were upset. And drunk. And vulnerable. And drunk. And rejected. And did I say drunk?
ROSS: Rach, no. ( turns her to face him and puts his arms around her) What you said last night, about me sabotaging my relationships? You were right. When we broke up before, that was all my fault. I was so scared of getting hurt that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I just hope you can forgive me.
RACH: Ross, I can't.
ROSS: Rachel, please. I love you. (kisses her. She kisses him back.)
RACH: (stopping the kiss) Just one thing. We can't tell anyone. (notices his sad puppy dog look) I mean, the last time we were together everyone got all weird about it.
ROSS: I understand. (leans in to kiss Rachel. Just then, Monica walks in.) No, no, I don't see any freckles there.
Commercial
[Teaser. Central Perk. All the usual gang is there, except for Joey. Monica and Chandler are sitting next to each other on the couch. Ross and Rachel are trying not to seem "together." They are succeeding, but in the wrong sense of the word. Phoebe is finishing her set with "Smelly Cat" Joey walks in with Robyn.]
JOEY: Let's sit over here. (steers Robyn over to the others) Everybody, this is Robyn.
ALL: (ad-lib greetings)
JOEY: (to Robyn) Okay, Chandler you know.
CHAN: Nice to see you.
JOEY: And this is Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Oh, cool, your aura's all pink.
ROBYN: (unsure of how to take this) Thanks, I try.
JOEY: Ross. And Rachel. (Ross and Rachel wave.) And Ross's sister Monica.
MON: Pleased to meet you, Robyn.
ROBYN: You know, that's funny. You sound a little like Jo- (It dawns on her.) Oh! Oh, my G-
[Joey and Chandler start helping Robyn out of the coffeehouse.]
CHAN: You haven't met the chick yet, have you? Why don't you come meet it? Right now!
ROBYN: Oh, my G-
TO BE CONTINUED