The One With $24,548 and 70 Cents


Written by: John Noonan
Edited by: Kat

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.



(Int. Monica and Chandler's. Night)

(Joey is watching "Good Will Hunting", while Chandler cooks and Monica sits at the table reading. Chandler is cooking omelettes. He has a box of eggs next to him. Joey sits up suddenly. He has a look of enlightenment on him. Something which is quite rare.)

Joey: Hey, I'VE WORKED IT OUT!

Chandler: What? That people don't play "Tomb Raider" for it's game play?

Joey: No! (Turns around on his chair to face Monica and Chandler) I've worked out that I could have been Irish.

Chandler(sarcastic): And how did you come to this conclusion, oh, he of many a sharp thought.

Joey: Well, y'see, before my parents met, my mother met this guy from Boston. He was Irish.

Chandler: (He clamps his hand on Monica's shoulder in mock shock) An Irishman...from Boston....NO WAY!

Joey: Well, anyway, they went out for a while and he asked her to marry him. She said no, but if she had said yes then I would have been half Irish when I was born.

(Chandler and Monica seem a little confused.)

Monica: Um, Joey! You, er, wouldn't have been....

Chandler: I'll deal with this.

Chandler grabs his pan and an egg from the box. He holds up the egg.

Chandler: This is your brain! (He cracks the egg into the pan. It begins to sizzle away.) THIS is your brain when you think. Any Questions?

(Joey seems thoroughly confused.)

Opening Credits

(Int. Joey and Eddie's. Night.)

(We have an extreme close up on a dried tomato. We pull back to see not only Eddie, but also Joey looking intently at it.)

Eddie: Amazing, isn't it?

JOEY(impressed beyond belief): And you say that was a tomato? (Eddie nods enthusiastically) You're a genius, man!

(Chandler walks into the apartment.)

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Joey turns around and says hi.)

Chandler: Heard you got a new room mate. Is he.....

(Eddie turns around. Chandler screams in the way only Matthew Perry can. Something along the line of "Bah!!")

Eddie: Hey!

Chandler: Uh, hey! Do you....do you remember me?

Eddie: No, but Joey has told me all about you. Chandler, isn't it?

Chandler: That's right. Chandler…Smith. And if anyone tells you any different- any one- then they are lying!

Joey: Smith?!

Chandler: Joey! Can I talk to you to you for a second?

Joey: Er, sure.

Eddie: I'll, er, give you guys some space.

(Eddie leaves to go to his room. Chandler eyes him suspiciously as he walks. Just before he shuts his door, Eddie turns to the guys and does his salute.)

Eddie: See ya pals.

(Joey mimics his salute and turns to face Chandler. Chandler is grimacing which makes Joey take a step back.)

Chandler: That's Eddie!

Joey: I know.

Chandler: Joey, that is Eddie Minowick. My flat mate from hell.

Joey: I think he's kinda cool. By the way, you are right. His eggs ARE better then mine. I think I misjudged him when I first met him.

Chandler: That's how it always starts. "Ooh his eggs are great". Then there's running and a lot of screaming.

(Joey stares at Chandler as if working something out.)

Joey: Jeff Goldblum. "The Lost World". (Smiles) My turn....

Chandler: Ah, shut up. Listen Joey, I've spent quite a lot of time with that man - no, that thing - and believe me he is a freak.

Joey: Yeah, well, that freak would appear to be on a leash because I've found him nothing but good company. I mean, yesterday we watched this French film called "Celui Qui Remplace Celui Qui Part"...

(Chandler seems surprised at Joey's sudden fluency in French.)

Joey: I mean, I didn't even know the French had movies. Did you?

Chandler: (Mock surprise) Colour me surprised.

Joey: Why would I wanna colour you?

(Int. Monica and Chandler's. Night)

(Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are all sat down talking.)

Monica: Listen, can I ask you guys a favour?

Rachel: Sure.

Monica: Good, I, um....

(She is interrupted by Chandler and Joey coming in from Chandler and Monica's bedroom. Joey is holding Caitlin.)

Joey: (Frustrated) Look, I just thought he'd be a good replacement for Ross.

Chandler: (All in one breath) Yeah, if by that you mean we're in a parallel universe where all the Ross Gellers of the world have been dissolved and then solidified into Norman Bates.

Joey: (Frowning) You're about to start that wavy hand thing you do, aren't you?

(Chandler waves his hands.)

Chandler: No!

(He notices what he is doing.)

Chandler: Dammit.

Phoebe: (To Joey) Ooh, give me Caitlin before she gets a draft off that guy.

(Joey passes Caitlin to Phoebe. Then, he and Chandler make their way back into the bedroom.)

Monica: ( Rolling her eyes) Two days! Two days, they've been doing this.

Rachel: Wow!

Monica: Well, anyway, I've got to ask you two something.

Rachel: About what?

Monica: Joey.

Phoebe: Well, he's an Italian actor who used to live Chandler Bing, but now lives with Eddie...

Monica: Okay, thanks. No, I want to talk about his present he said he'd bought us.

Rachel: Why? Can't you wait till the wedding?

(Monica places her hand on Rachel's arm.)

Monica: (Child like) Noooooooooo. It's sounds too expensive to wait.

Phoebe: (Casually) Yeah, but how expensive is $24, 648 and 70 cents?

Monica: WHAT??!

(Monica tightens her grip on Rachel's arm. Rachel screams in pain.)

Rachel: (Through clenched teeth) Okay sweetie? You're gonna have to let the blood flow through my arm.

Monica (uncaring): Why?

Rachel: Well, then my arm will drop off and I won't be able to strangle you.

Monica: Phoebe, how did you know that?

Phoebe: (Panicking) Know what?

Monica: How much Joey's present actually cost?

Phoebe: Um, well...

(Phoebe hands Caitlin to Rachel. She leans forward to get closer to Monica.)

Phoebe: Well, you see... I....

(Phoebe suddenly gets up and walks out of the apartment. Much to the bemusement of Rachel and Monica.)

(Int. Eddie and Joey's. Night.)

(Joey walks in followed by Chandler.)

Joey: I just don't get why you hate him so much.


Chandler: Joey, do I need to get the puppets again?

Joey: (Worried) No. I get why you hate him. I just don't get why you won't give him another chance.

(Chandler takes off his coat.)

Chandler: Well, y'see I believe...

(Eddie walks in from his bedroom.)

Eddie: Believe?

Chandler: That for every drop of rain that falls...

Joey: A flower grows.

Chandler: (Thankful for the help) Mmmm.

Eddie: Oh.

(He walks over to the cooker and takes out a tray of cookies. Chandler looks worried.)

Eddie: Cookie?

Joey: Yeah, (He takes one) What are these? Raisins?

Eddie: Um, sure. Why not?

(Chandler is beginning to panic. He watches as Joey takes a big bite out of his cookie. Joey chews, smiles and then grimaces. He grabs his throat. Eddie seems just as surprised as Chandler.)

Chandler: Oh my God! You've poisoned him.

Joey: (Gasping) Cinnamon.

Chandler: Yeah, with.... cinnamon?

(Joey gets himself a glass of water.)

Eddie: Do you, er, not like cinnamon?

Joey: Um, not really. Sorry.

Eddie: Hey, no. It's my fault I should have asked.

(Throughout this Chandler has been making his way to the door.)

Eddie: Hey Chandler!

(Chandler jumps away form the door like he's been electrocuted.)

Chandler: I wasn't, I wasn't doing anything.

Eddie: Do you want a cookie?

(Eddie puts the plate in front of Chandler.)

(Chandler's POV:-)

(Eddie has now become the Devil. He has red horns and a pointy goatee.)

Eddie: (Evilly) EAT, CHANDLER, EAT THE COOKIE!!

(End POV.)

(Chandler screams and runs out of the apartment. Eddie looks at Joey for an explanation.)

Joey: Er, he, er, he doesn't like cinnamon either.

(Joey lets out a weak smile. Eddie is not convinced.)

(Int. Phoebe and Rachel's. Day.)

(Phoebe is sat watching TV. Rachel walks in from her bedroom.)

Rachel: Whatcha doin?

Phoebe: Oh, just watching TV.

(Rachel looks at the set and then frowns.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs, the TV isn't switched on.

Phoebe: Oh, well, that's okay cos there's nothing good on anyway.

Rachel (a little freaked): That's sweet, Phoebs.

(Monica pops her head round the front door.)

Monica: Hello.

(Rachel and Phoebe say hi. Monica comes through the door pushing Caitlin in her pram.)

Monica: We just thought we'd pop by and say hi.

Phoebe: Hi Caitlin.

Monica: (Under her breath) And find out how you know my present costs $24, 648 and 70 cents.

Rachel: Oh my god, you remembered the exact price? Monica, you are so obsessive.

Monica: No, I'm not. I just wanna know how you know that my present cost $24, 648 and 70 cents.

Phoebe: (Frustrated) Monica, look, the reason why I know how much it cost is because Joey gave me the receipt to look after.

Monica: Wh-

Phoebe: But he made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone what it was. Look.

(She takes a photo of Joey out of her pocket. The picture shows Joey looking stern. Underneath Joey are the words "Tell no one".)

Monica: (Child like) Oh, please tell me.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Pwease. Pwetty pwease. For me.

(Monica keeps this assault on the ears for a long time. Each "pwease" is stretched out longer and longer until finally Rachel pulls out a box from the kitchen cupboard.)

Rachel: Oh God, Monica. Look, here's the box that Phoebe keeps all her receipts in.

Phoebe: (Upset) Rachel!

Rachel: I'm sorry, Pheebs, but she use to get me like this when I lived with her. And believe, it can get really ugly. So you might as well tell her.

(Phoebe sighs. She picks up the box and opens it. Monica's eyes are full of delight.)

Phoebe: Okay, this is where I keep all my receipts for things I hold dear to me. (She takes on out) This is the one for my Hamster.

(Rachel and Monica look guilty.)

Phoebe: (Takes out another) This one is for my tarantula.

(The other two look guiltier still.)

Monica: (Out of the corner of her mouth) She's doing this on purpose, right?

(Phoebe takes out another receipt.)

Phoebe: (Reluctantly) Ah, here we go. One receipt for.....

(Rachel suddenly whips out a cigarette lighter and burns the receipts. Phoebe drops the burning paper into the sink.)

Monica: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Rachel: I'm sorry Monica. We can't just let you find out what you gift is yet.

(Monica stares evilly at the girls. She puts Caitlin back into her pram and makes her way to the door.)

Monica: (Sinister) Oh, I will find out what the present is. Oh yes, I WILL find out.

(Monica leaves.)

Rachel: The scary thing is... She means it.

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night.)

(Chandler is sat reading. Suddenly Eddie walks in. Chandler screams and throws the book into the air. Somehow Eddie manages to catch it.)

Eddie: Okay, Chandler, now don't say a thing. The thing is, I do remember who you are. What happened between you and me happened a long time ago. I was going through a difficult period in my life four years ago. Something of which I would rather not talk about. However, after you kicked me out so to speak, I decided to get help. I saw a counsellor and I'm now the manager of a major music store. However, the only way I got there was by putting my past behind me. It would help me even more if you were to do the same. However, it seems that that is never gonna happen. Therefore, I'm gonna leave. Goodbye Chandler, I hope you have a good life.

(Eddie makes his way to the door. Chandler sags.)

Chandler: Eddie.

Eddie: (Angry) What?

(Chandler stands up.)

Chandler: Is that a music store like one with music, or one with big knives and dried fruit?

Eddie(annoyed): With music.

Chandler: I'm sorry, man.

(He walks up to Eddie and shakes him by the hand. Eddie smiles and the handshake turns into a hug. They separate.)

Eddie: So, DID you kill my fish?

(Chandler panics.)

Chandler: I, er, um...

Eddie: (Laughs) Psyche!

(He and Chandler laugh. Chandler if some what nervous)

Eddie: See ya pal.

(Eddie leaves.)

Chandler: (Quietly) See ya pal.

(Fade to black.)

(End Credits)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night. )

(Eddie, Chandler, Monica and Rachel are all sat talking when Joey walks in.)

Joey: Okay! I've been thinking.....

(Chandler seems thankful for the joke opportunity.)

Chandler: Ah, well-

Joey: Shut up, man.


(Chandler does so.)

Joey: Now if my Dad had married an Irish woman then I'd be half Irish. (Smiling) Huh?

(He leaves the room gloating. Chandler walks off into his bedroom and comes back a few seconds later with two puppets.)

Eddie: Er, what are you gonna do with those?

Chandler: I'm going to explain something to Joey that should have been explained fourteen years ago by his biology teacher.

END

[Button] [Button] [Button]