Written by: Jessa and Michelle Cartwright
Hi! This is my second fan fic, and err…this is set 2 / 5 years in the future from now. I hope this doesn’t happen, but hey! Also, I have a "little helper" for this script – my friend Michelle Cartwright and I thought she deserved a mention.
[Scene: Central Perk. The gang are having a reunion. They all look older because they are now not twenty something but thirty something. Chandler and Monica are very close (they are now married) and Ross and Rachel are still not. Phoebe is meditating – you’ll see why later]
Chandler: Well, well, well. We meet again.
Joey: Hey, is it just me or has Monica got fat?
Ross: Joey!
(Chandler and Monica laugh in that snide "couple who know something we don’t" way)
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, ya know, I’m busy too! Now just concentrate. I know you feel stupid. Oh! You are hopeless.
Chandler: Err…who is she talking to?
Rachel: Don’t you know anything? It’s her boyfriend – or fiancé to be. That guy that was in the coma? Well he went in to a coma again, and…oh it’s a long story!
(Enter Kathy)
(Chandler stutter uneasily, Monica glares)
Kathy: Oh, err…don’t mind me.
Monica: Anyway! So Chandler and me have some news.
Chandler: Err…now honey? Why not…wait.
Monica: I think we should do it now. (Monica glares in that evil way)
Chandler: (scared)…Okay.
Rachel: Well?
Chandler: Well…Monica?
Monica: I’m pregnant!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: How far gone?
Ross: WHAT?!
Chandler: Two w-
Monica: Seven months.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Excuse me! Some of us are trying to communicate transatlantic here! And that’s not easy without a phone!
Monica: Sorry Pheebs. Any way, did you hear our news?
Phoebe: Honey, I heard it months ago.
Chandler: Why did she know before me? Seven months! Hello, I was only told last week! I don’t believe this!
Phoebe: Psychically honey, psychically!
[Scene: Joey’s and Chandler’s – but now just Joey’s. And tidy. Yes, you heard me – tidy.]
Chandler: God man, this is really…neat.
Joey: I did it all myself!
Chandler: Yeah right!
Joey: Me and my little friend…
(Enter Janice)
Janice: Oh-my-God!
Chandler: Oh my god! Oh my God! Joey?!
Joey: She’s kinda hot.
Chandler: What?!
Janice: Oh come on Chandler Bing, not a little – jealous are we?
Chandler: …no.
Joey: Okay, okay. Parties over. Janice – back in your room.
Janice: Sure – honey. I’ll be waiting – with my ticket.
Joey: The ticket never fails!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s.]
Chandler: Why didn’t you tell me?
Monica: I don’t have to tell you every little thing!
Chandler: That is not a little thing!
Monica: I know…well, you see…I just didn’t!
Chandler: Just…didn’t?
Monica: Yeah, it’s like just did it, but the opposite.
(Chandler does his work laugh)
Monica: Don’t you work laugh me!
Chandler: You know what? I’m gonna go back to my apartment in a sulk, but I can’t! I wanna go back and sit there on my couch with Joey – and I can’t! Because it doesn’t go with your "colour scheme". Y’know and now Joey’s got together with Janice-
Monica: You don’t like Janice.
Chandler: …yeah…
Monica: Do you?
Chandler: Of course I don’t! I’ve got you, but…maybe we’re going too fast. Maybe I passed through the tunnel too soon and a kid! A kid I wasn’t told about until seven months in to the pregnancy when it’s too late to do anything- (Chandler stops)
Monica: What?
Chandler: …nothing…(Chandler runs out)
[Scene: Janice’s and Joey’s:) We can’t see anything but the empty room– but we can hear!]
Janice: Joey! Oh Joey! Yes! Oh Joey!
(We suddenly see Chandler watching TV – just like when Joey was doing it with Kathy. Chandler turns the TV up. Joey appears at the doorway – having déjà vu yet? Janice follows him)
Joey: Hey!
Janice: Some of us are trying to sleep!
Chandler: Not from what I heard.
Janice: Oh Chandler Bing, you are jealous. Oh-my-God!
Joey: Y’know, his coupon doesn’t last forever.]
Janice: Of course, Joey-baby.
(We see Chandler acting absolutely smitten and staring after her as they go back in to Joey’s bedroom)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Monica is very upset – roll on box of Kleenex (that’s tissues in case you don’t have Kleenex in America)]
Monica: He just…left. Y’know, he just kind of muttered something than left! It wasn’t a big argument or anything, but he seemed really heft up about something and what if he never comes back? Y’know, I’ll be pregnant and on my own. What am I supposed to do?
Rachel: Well, you’re not exactly married, are you?
Monica: Well…no. Not quite. Perhaps I should find him?
Rachel: Oh right – "Hello. I’m little miss desperate".
Monica: But I thought we were serious!
Rachel: You are desperate!
Monica: I am not!
Rachel: I bet you can’t go two whole hours without calling him!
Monica: No! This is stupid. I’m gonna go see him.
Rachel: Do you know where he is?
Monica: His apartment-oh…his apartment! That’s where he said he was going.
[Scene: Joey and Janice’s apartment. There’s still groaning in the background.]
(Monica comes in. She hears the groaning and suspects the worst. Her eyes go wide and she rushes out – she thinks that Chandler was sleeping with Janice)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s]
Monica: I can’t believe it! Janice? How could he do this?
Rachel: Men.
Monica: But Janice! We could have talked it out. I don’t believe it! One sign of trouble and "whoosh" back to Janice. What is it with him and Janice? I mean, her voice is like a fog-horn, her laugh’s like a cheese grater…(Time lapse - arrive back and Rachel is asleep)I’ve got to be better looking. Haven’t I? Haven’t I?!
[Scene: Central Perk. Gunther is still there, cleaning coffee cups. The gang are on the sofa – not including Janice. Monica and Chandler aren’t talking to each other]
Gunther: So, err...Rachel, do you actually want to drink anything, because you have to be a customer to sit here.
Rachel: Oh, I’ll have some coffee – de-caff.
Gunther: And the rest of you?
Chandler: I’ll have a tea please.
Ross: Oh, I don’t know…just a coffee.
Monica: Nothing for me.
Gunther: Okay. (He calls to a waitress) Hey, honey, we need a de-caf coffee, tea and a coffee. (He kisses her long and hard like in those 1920’s films)
Phoebe: Ah that is so good he found someone. Don’t you think Rachel?
(Rachel runs off to the toilets crying)
Chandler: What was that about?
Monica: That is so typically insensitive of you! What was that about? What do you think, Mister I’m-So-Smart-And-Funny? She’s upset – like, duh! And you know what, because I am not totally insensitive I’m gonna go and ask her what’s wrong – rather than saying "What was all that about?" (Monica storms off after Rachel)
Joey: What was all that about?
[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s]
Chandler: So, err…where’s Janice tonight?
Joey: Far far away – I hope.
Chandler: What? But you did an awful lot of agreeing last night.
Joey: Yeah, well most of it was for show. Y’know, she’s not really your type.
Chandler: Really? She’s pretty nice. Yeah – definitely not your type.
Joey: Chandler, ya gotta get over her. You dumped her seven times now man! Seven times! You’ve got Monica.
Chandler: Had Monica.
Joey: What? She seemed totally cool with you at Central Perk today!
Chandler: No, Joey, I don’t think she was.
Joey: Man, you are so paranoid!
(There is a knock on the door. Joey tries – unsuccessfully – to crawl underneath the leather couches. He runs towards his bedroom. Chandler shakes his head and opens the door – it is Monica)
Chandler: Joey, it’s safe. (sheepishly – to Monica) Hey.
Monica: Where’s Janice?
Chandler: Shouldn’t you be asking Joey that? I don’t know.
Monica: Okay – Joey, where is she?
Joey: Who? Is she here? Please no. Hide me! Hide me! (Imitating Chandler) No, sorry Janice, Joey isn’t here.
Monica: What’s up with him?
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are close again, etc. etc.]
Joey: So, anyway, I told Janice last night.
Ross: Oh? How did she react?
Joey : Well, obviously , she was fairly upset. As any women is when they hear the love of their life has been imprisoned in Australia for high treason.
Chandler: Australia?
Ross: Treason?
Monica: That’s worse than Yemen!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Incoming!
(The gang gathers round Phoebe and listens. When Janice speaks, Phoebe’s lips move. It’s very strange.)
Janice (muffled): Joey? Is Joey there Phoebe?
Phoebe: …no…he’s in…Austria.
Janice: He said he was in Australia!
Phoebe: They sound the same!
Janice: Okay, well tell him I’ll be back. I know my two little love bunnies want me really – and they know it. They just don’t know they know it yet. I’m still waiting to convert Ross. (Laughs THAT laugh)
(All three of the men shiver in fear!)
End