The One Where Joey Helps His Friends
Written by: Anne Pascal
With thanks to Jjaks for comments and suggestions
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Continued from TOW Rachel Goes to London
Morning at Chandler and Joey's. Joey is getting dressed. Chandler is just moping around.
Joey: Why would I wanna do that?
Chandler: Ya know - if you really liked a girl you wouldn't want to be messin' around with someone else right?
Joey: You're asking me how I would stop a hot chick having sex with me?
Chandler: Yeah - I 'm sorry I must be really tired. I'm talking to the wrong guy aren't I? OK here's the thing. I messed up. I slept with this girl that I really, really like but I also slept with another girl on the same day and now both of them are after me - all the time.
Joey: (Patting Chandler on the shoulder) You're awake now buddy. That may have been last night's dream but this is life. You know where girls won't look at you . (He looks at Chandler who has sat down with his head in his hands) My God you're not yankin' me are you? Don't tell me - you're looking forward to Thanksgiving, Monica has let the apartment get messy and Ross has admitted he cheated on Rachel.
Chandler: You know when you have dreams about two women wanting you?
Joey: The ones you have when you're awake and by yourself?
Chandler: (Pause - whilst he decides whether to admit it) Yeah. It was much more fun. This is more like hard work and I feel so guilty.
Joey: You worried they might find out about each other? You checked the trail?
Chandler: Oh it's short. Really, really, short. They're best friends.
Joey: That is short. Well since they're such friends, a threesome would save time, if that's your problem.
Chandler: (Happy for a moment, then frowns) No Joey. I really don't think that's an option.
Joey: Well you never know till you ask. And this is dream come true time. It's gotta be worth asking.
Chandler: No I been there when one of them was cheated on. Not good. Not good at all. They must not find out.
Joey: Well you'll have to break them up. Ya know (deep stern voice) "It's your friend or me".
Chandler: They live together.
Joey: You can't even get the dream right can you? You'll have a few days of fun and then, the first time they have a drink together
Chandler: So do you have any other advice?
Joey: Make sure there are no knives or other sharp things around when you go and see them.
Monica and Rachel's. They are finishing breakfast. Joey joins them.
Rachel and Monica: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's gone back to bed. He's still on London time.
Rachel: That makes it 2 in the afternoon.
Monica: He's probably tired from last night. (Winces as she realizes what she just said).
Rachel: Yeah - eating the dinner you cooked for him and falling asleep on the couch, whilst I did his unpacking, can really take it out of a guy.
Rachel gets up.
Rachel: Well I gotta go do my laundry.
Monica: I'm surprised you got any laundry. I thought you left all your underwear in guys' bedrooms.
Joey: Rachel leaves her underwear in guys' bedrooms?
Rachel: (Knows that Joey found them) No.
Monica: Alright one guy - one bedroom - one pair of blue seduction panties.
Joey puts his hand over his mouth and giggles in a dirty little boy way.
Rachel: Oh grow up - women have needs too ya know.
Penny drops with Joey whose mouth drops open in surprise. He glances over at Monica and forces himself to be serious.
Joey: So this guy you hooked up with Monica. What was his name?
Rachel: Were you so busy making sure you didn't lose your panties that you forgot to ask him his name? Even Joey knows the bridesmaid's name.
Monica: It was H-H-H- Hugh. Hugh Grant.
Joey: The actor? Really? So how did you meet? Was he just cruisin' in his car
Monica: No. Another guy. It's a really common name in England.
Monica stares at Joey, not sure whether he knows or not. He smirks back.
Joey: Well I think I should go and wake Chandler. He's got a busy day today. (Rachel sighs and sits down again) Aren't you gonna do your laundry?
Rachel: No I thought I'd wait until later. I just remembered. It gets busy this time of day.
Joey: I think it's gonna be busy whatever time of day you go. It's suddenly very popular. Everyone got really dirty last week.
Joey enters his apartment and Chandler jumps and falls off the breakfast barstool
Joey: (Shouting and excited) MONICA AND RACHEL. YOU DID MONICA AND RACHEL!
Chandler: (Terrified they will hear) SSSSSCCCCHHHHHH! You figured it out?
Joey: You bagged Monica and Rachel?
Chandler: SSSSSCCCCHHHHHH! You figured it out. In five minutes you figured it out?
Joey: You did it with Monica and Rachel on the same day?
Chandler: Stop saying that!
Joey: Rachel AND Monica? How the hell did it happen?
Chandler: (Calmly as if he is telling a story) It was a quiet day in a romantic city. The rain beat softly against the windows and the smell of freshly cut roses wafted through the room. (Changes tone to more usual manic Chandler) Then two hot women came to my room, stripped off, and demanded I have sex with them. One after the other. I figured I must be dreaming. And you don't think of the consequences of a dream do you?
Joey: Monica and Rachel. I can't believe you did Monica and Rachel.
Chandler: Oh God! It's bad isn't it?
Joey: How's it bad? You got the dream ticket. It doesn't get better than this. Was Monica here last night?
Chandler: Yeah - she came into my room when I was asleep. I woke up and had no idea who was... waking me up
Joey: Niiice! I think I just stopped Rachel coming over - do you want me to get outta your way?
Chandler: God no. After spending the night with Monica, who by the way is as demanding in bed as she is in everything else, I couldn't raise a smile if Yasmine Bleethe came through the door. At this rate I'm gonna have to work for a promotion just to pay for the condoms. So what would you have done?
Joey: Oh same as you. Sorry about taking your condoms. I don't suppose the rubber bands were much use?
Chandler: (Looks at Joey in disbelief) No they weren't.
Evening at Monica and Rachel's. The two girls are drinking a bottle of wine, kicked back on the couch.
Monica: Joey out tonight?
Rachel: Yeah - some girl he picked up. Phoebe is tired and Chandler well I don't know where Chandler, but he didn't seem to be in when I went over there.
Monica: So it's just us then. This is nice. Girls time.
Rachel: Strange without Ross isn't it?
Monica: I suppose we'll have to get used to that. You don't seem so upset. Did that British guy make you feel better?
Rachel: Well actually he wasn't British.
Monica: No? Well come on. This must be the longest you've ever kept a secret. More wine?
Rachel: Open another bottle you mean and get me to talk, maybe you first. Was your guy really that good?
Monica: Oh yeah. (smiles) The whole world shook.
Rachel: Mine too. You'd never think it to look at him! You know when you're a teenager you think that you will only ever do it with a guy who is really special - you know the guy you really love.
Monica: (Looks at her in disbelief) Chip Matthews!?
Rachel: Well by then I had moved onto also doing it with the guys who were really really cute. But then as you get older
Monica: Anything male?
Rachel: No but if you wait for love you get desperate and the really cute guys are too - "aren't you lucky to get to have me" whereas the less popular guys show far more enthusiasm.
Monica: But lack of practice means that they don't know what they're doing.
Rachel: Usually true.
Monica: So what's this to do with the non-British guy?
Rachel: Well you might think this is really weird but I gotta tell you. You know when you and Joey found Chandler naked in bed in the afternoon?
Rachel: That was because I had just left him there.
Monica: You found him naked too ? No - you didn't - you and Chandler? The day of the rehearsal dinner?
Rachel: Yeah I was sad because of the Ross thing and I sort of went to his room and .
Monica: (Stunned and upset) Oh my God!
Rachel: What? What's so bad about that? It was just a fling.
Monica: (She drains her glass, pours herself another drink and drains that) The guy I spent the night with in London. It was Chandler.
Rachel: (Furious - spitting the words out) That stinking . rotten . son of a bitch!
Monica: (Now angry) Yeah just what I was thinking.
Rachel: Both of us? No wonder he's been so jumpy.
Monica: You think you know someone You and Chandler? Did you have a crush on him then?
Rachel: No - not at all. Not one little bit. But he smelled nice.
Monica: He smelled nice? You slept with Chandler because he smelled nice!
Rachel: OK I was feeling down and he was so sweet I thought it would be fun. Anyway what about you? How long had you been after him?
Monica: I was after Joey to make me feel better, but he was out so
Anger goes and they both laugh
Rachel: Joey! Why Joey? Going back to what I was saying - he gets it too easy. Whereas Chandler - he never gets it so is enthusiastic and grateful but also knows what we want.
Rachel: (smiles again) Yeah. Ears?
Monica: (smiles) Yeah.
Rachel: I figured we must have bitched about enough men in front of him. Well that's the only reason I can think of to explain why he was so
Rachel: I'll say. (Getting angry again) But still you don't sleep with two of your best friends on the same day. The slut!
Monica: (More shocked than angry now) 11 times
Rachel: What do you mean? He did it 7 times with you after he and I ? (Jealous) Well you had him all night and I let him sleep. You couldn't have let him roll over!
Monica: He must have done it 11 times in a day!
Rachel: Wow. See I told you - enthusiastic.
Monica: That's not enthusiastic. That's manic - still he's a dirty rotten stinking .
Rachel: Do want to go over and kill now?
Monica: I was thinking we could have some fun of our own.
Chandler and Joey's. Chandler is reading. Monica enters. Chandler jumps nervously to his feet.
Chandler: Hi Monica - Joey is just in the bedroom.
Monica: Why are you telling me that? Oh! We haven't seen you over at our place today.
Chandler: Well I've been kinda busy. You didn't come over last night?
Monica: No Rachel and I had a girls' night in. Got talking ya know.
Chandler: Oh. (Very nervous) Anything interesting?
Monica: Very. You know Rachel, lots of liquor gets her gossiping. Anyway Rachel's just stopped throwing up so we thought you might wanna have lunch with us.
Chandler: She been throwing up a lot?
Monica: Yeah, mostly in the mornings. I think she's going out to get a pregnancy test later today. Let's hope it's negative. I mean its a long way to go to London to tell some guy he got you pregnant. So are you coming over?
Chandler: You know. I'm not really hungry and I got some work to do.
Monica leaves and Joey comes out of the bedroom. Chandler stares after her.
Chandler: (Terrified) That's it. I'm moving to Peru.
Joey: (Sarcastic) Yeah that'll help. What's wrong with Cuba this time? Do you think that Rachel is less likely to find you in Peru? Do they have fewer stores in Peru then?
Chandler: You heard Monica - you heard her?
Joey: I heard they had a girls' night and got liquored up. (Watches Chandler pacing in amusement). If you could think of the worst thing that could happen to you now, in this situation, what would it be?
Chandler: That you and Ross hit on me.
Joey: Well that's not gonna happen. Ross is in Greece. (He puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder and Chandler jumps back suspiciously) You think I'm slow, but when it comes to women They know. They gotta know. Girls night. They stop coming onto you all of a sudden - now Rachel's throwing up. Too obvious. They're messing with you man. This is the punishment.
Chandler: Well I can't stand this any longer. I'm gonna burst. This is it - I'm going in. I'm going to face them. Any advice?
Joey: Go on the attack.
Chandler: (Shocked) What?
Joey: The best form of defense with women is to go the attack. No apology. If you apologize you accept that you were in the wrong. You accuse them of using you.
Chandler: I thought I should grovel. You think attack will work? (Little boy scared voice) Will you come with me? Don't leave me alone with them. I need a witness and someone to help get me out of there.
Joey: Take my advice and they will be apologizing to you. Stay firm. Be a man!
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Both are there. Chandler entering with Joey.
Chandler: (With false confidence he strides to the middle of the room - Joey looks on with an evil grin on his face) You know and now you're messing with me. This was not my fault. You were using me - and now you're messing with me. It's not fair!
Monica: We were using you!
Both girls look at him in fury. Monica picks up two magazines and hands one to Rachel. They both roll them up. Chandler makes a run for it but the girls head him off and beat him with the magazines. He collapses onto the couch, pulling his legs in to protect his crotch and tries to cover his head with his hands.
Rachel: You dirty rotten
Monica: Son of a bitch
Phoebe: (entering) My God what did Chandler do?
Joey: Both of them. In London. On the same day.
Phoebe: What you in London? You slept with both of them, then you told me you were impotent! (She grabs another magazine and joins Monica and Rachel in hitting Chandler)
Monica and Rachel: (Stop for a minute) You too?
Phoebe: (Pauses in her beating - Chandler looks up hopefully) Yeah I was upset ya know - you try chatting up guys when you're carrying a litter. I was desperate OK - what's your excuse? But he rejected me. He manages to sleep with both of you on the same day but he rejected me!
Chandler: What is it with you three? Feel a bit sad lets go and seduce Chandler. What am I some object for you to play with when you feel a bit down?
Joey: Yeah what's wrong with Joey? I reject no one!
Chandler yelps as the girls all start to beat him again.
Phoebe: The son of a bitch will be impotent by the time I've finished with him!
Chandler escapes and makes a run for the door. Joey follows and nods apologetically to the girls. Once in the safety of their own apartment Chandler bolts the door.
Joey: Well they took that well.
Chandler: (Sarcastic - he moves to the freezer to get some ice for his bruises) Yeah - Do you think they were just tenderizing me before they eat me?
Joey: You should have apologized, groveled a bit, not made it out to be their fault. Women like
Chandler: (Angry) You said go on the attack!
Joey: Yeah. One more bit of advice. Never listen to the advice of jealous friends. You've never been in competition with me have you? And Phoebe! You rejected Phoebe? You never told me about Phoebe.
Chandler: Yeah that one slipped my mind.
Central Perk. The girls are sat in the normal couch. Chandler enters with Joey. Joey goes to sit with them but Chandler pulls him back to sit in other seats. As they sit down Ross enters and they go over to him in surprise.
Chandler: Ross! Where's Emily?
Ross: London I think.
The rest come out of their sulk
Monica: What happened?
Ross: I said the wrong name.
Joey: When, how?
Ross: In bed - five times. Twice when I was asleep and three times when we were - you know engaging in conjugal relations - sex Joey - during sex. So she got back on the plane to London.
Monica: Oh wow I'm so sorry.
The rest murmur their sympathy.
Chandler: Well I never did that. I never said the wrong name.
The girls all scowl at him.
Ross: I've been thinking about it all the way home. Right now I just wanna get a coffee. Anyone else?
Chandler: Yeah I could do with some coffee.
Ross: You want a latte or expresso?
Monica: Oh get him both. Four cups of one and seven of the other.
Rachel: Yeah he will probably drink the expresso straight after the latte. Even if the latte is really good and satisfying. He will want a different one immediately after.
Monica: (Annoyed with Rachel) He wouldn't want as many cups of expresso if the latte was so good.
Phoebe: Yeah but don't get him the one in the slightly wider cup. He will reject that one.
Ross: (confused) You're telling me to get Chandler 11 cups of coffee? He'll be up all night!
Joey: Yeah - won't he just.
Chandler and Joey go to the counter with Ross leaving the girls on the couch.
Rachel: OK so what do we do with him now?
Monica: I think hell avoid us for a while, and well do the same right? Hes scum!
Rachel: So you don't mind if I have him?
Monica looks at her shocked.
Monica: What? You want to go out with him Chandler? After what he did?
Rachel: Well he's not the ideal boyfriend. But hell who cares if he can do it 7 times in a night?
Monica: That was with me!
Rachel: You had him all night.
Monica: It's just sex with you. You see this as another relationship like the one you had with Paolo. Meaningless animal sex.
Rachel: Oh and you and Chandler was a deep meaningful loving relationship? Look .. how many guys have been good enough to send you to the ceiling 7 times?
Phoebe: Nine guys. Wow you've been lucky. Do you have a list - with phone numbers?
Monica: No times . I (suddenly shy) . reached fulfillment with Chandler nine times that night.
Rachel: Really but I thought
Monica: Seven was him.
Rachel and Phoebe glance over at Chandler in shock. As do a number of other customers and Gunther, who have all been listening in. Chandler turns round and everyone quickly looks away.
Phoebe: It's always the same with you two. You leave me right out. All this time Chandler was just, well Chandler - one of the girls, now we find out .
Monica: Believe me Phoebe he would have sent you into labor.
Phoebe: But that's what I wanted. I'm sick of being pregnant and it says in my book that the best way of bringing on labor is sex, that or dancing naked covered in cow dung above the nest of a rattle snake at midnight. But sex seemed like so much more fun - even with Chandler. And it has been so long since any guy
Rachel: So why didn't you go and see Joey?
Phoebe: I was kinda saving him for a rainy day. And I thought Chandler would be desperate enough to even want to do it with someone who looks as gross as I do at the moment and he was sweet to me and he smelled nice
Rachel sighs and agrees
Monica: (Angry) My God. He was right. We were all just using him weren't we?
Phoebe: You were. The candy jar was empty when I got to it.
Rachel: (To Monica) Are you telling me that you don't want him but I can't have him either?
Monica: Well that night I had with him was special. I thought it was special. He was loving as well as passionate. We talked and he kissed me like he loved me. He made me feel really good.
Phoebe: Oh course you felt good. You were having multiple orgasms!
Rachel: So you're saying you want Chandler - the "scum". And not just for sex. Is that what you're saying?
Monica: (Not liking to admit it) Kinda.
Phoebe sighs and pulls out a five dollar bill from her purse and hands it to Rachel.
Rachel: Do you think Ross and Emily are on a break?
Monica is entering Chandler's apartment. Chandler carries on watching TV but hands Monica a magazine to hit him.
Chandler: It's not as thick as Vogue but the only heavy stuff we have is porn.
Monica: Chandler. I didn't come here to fight.
Turns TV off and goes to her.
Chandler: And I didn't intend to hurt you or Rachel. I just didn't know how to stop things and I know I wasn't drunk or anything but its hard to think straight when a beautiful woman hits on you the blood made a very rapid descent south from my brain. And you are beautiful Monica. I'm sorry.
Monica: Rachel and I did some talking. What do you want to happen now?
Chandler: I want to be friends again.
Monica: And nothing more?
Chandler: I want you Monica - just you. I haven't been able to think of anyone else since we were together.
Monica: Are you saying that because I'm here?
Chandler: No I'm saying that because well you know how it was between us. I'm not that good an actor.
Monica: I thought so too. But when I found out Rachel seemed to have no complaints
Chandler: With Rachel it was two hours . I didn't know at the time that it would mess my one chance with you - and I couldn't resist you. You and I spent two nights together curled up in each other's arms. It wasn't just about the sex was it?
Monica walks towards him slowly smiling.
Chandler: Am I forgiven? (Monica nods) What happens now do we take things slow? Get to know each other
Monica: Hi I'm Monica Geller. I have a brother Ross and my roommate is Rachel. You'll like her. Anything else you need to know?
Chandler: (Still nervous of her and the situation) So?
Monica: Ask me out Chandler. This where you ask me out on a date.
Chandler: Monica Geller can I take you out to dinner tonight?
Monica: (Teasing) Well I'll just have to see what's in my schedule. We could have a quiet dinner at my place?
Chandler: I thought you wanted me to ask you "out". That's "in".
Monica: Chandler - shut up.
Chandler: OK. Won't Rachel be there?
Monica: She, Joey and Phoebe have taken Ross out for a drink. He's pretty upset.
Chandler: And left us? Joey told me he was out on a date.
Monica: I think they thought we should talk. Don't look so worried. I don't think anyone will want to tell Ross.
Monica pulls him across to her apartment (think cave-woman dragging her man back to cave). He follows and kicks closed the door. They glance at the kitchen then at each other.
Monica: Wanna skip dinner and go straight to coffee? We only have expresso.
Chandler: I only want expresso but I might have more than one cup.
Monica: I'm counting on it.
Monica pulls him across to her bedroom. The door slams shut.
Middle of the night. Chandler and Monica are asleep in her bed. Joey comes bursting through the door. He holds his hand up to block the view
Monica and Chandler: Joey!
Joey: Phoebe's in labor.
Joey: Phoebe - she's in labor. I need help!
Chandler follows Joey into the living room (having grabbed boxers) - Monica puts her robe on and follows them. Phoebe is sat on the couch in pain.
Chandler: She went into labor and she phoned you? (Sees Phoebe) Oh hey - you OK? (Phoebe scowls - still mad at him).
Ross and Rachel emerge from her bedroom.
Ross: What the hell is all the noise?
Chandler: Phoebe is in labor. (Ross and Chandler do a double take)
Rachel (still half-asleep): That's nice can we all go back to bed now?
Ross: (Angry) What the hell is Chandler doing in my sister's bedroom (looks at the clock) at 3 in the morning?
Chandler: I think Ross that this time it wasn't just the name of the woman you got wrong. That's not your wife.
Monica: Chandler and I got together in London Ross. Neither of us are married. (Ross looks guilty. Monica goes over to Phoebe) You OK honey? We'll get dressed and get a cab. Was my phone not working? Why did you call Joey first?
Phoebe: He was kinda already there. It was a rainy day.
Monica, Chandler and Rachel look at Phoebe in shock. Ross is confused.
Ross: What? Why?
Joey: I was trying to help out a friend.
Rachel: So thoughtful.
Phoebe: Did you want me to risk getting bitten by a rattlesnake?
Rachel: Couldn't you have waited until a decent hour!
Ross: I don't understand.
Rachel: (In disgust) Joey and Phoebe were sleeping together to start her labor off.
Ross looks shocked
Phoebe: Oh don't you look so superior Rachel Karen Green. What were you and Ross doing - playing charades?
Ross: I was feeling blue (at this Chandler rolls his eyes)
Rachel: It's completely different. Ross and I were in love.
Phoebe: And Chandler? When you made out with Chandler in London last week you were in love with him too? (Chandler winces and does the "cut it" sign frantically)
Ross: (Angry but in disbelief) What! That can't be possible. If Chandler got together with Monica in London how could he also (sees by Chandler's expression of fear that it is true) In the same week? You slept with both of them in the same week? (Chandler hides behind Monica)
Joey: Actually it was the same day (Chandler hides his head in his hands)
Phoebe: But he wouldn't help me out! Oh no I wasn't good enough so I had to go to Joey.
Chandler: (Moves to Phoebe keeping as far from Ross as possible) Phoebe we must get you to the hospital - now!
Phoebe: Ya know it might have been false labor. I haven't had a contraction for five minutes.
Chandler: (Desperate for a distraction) Shouldn't we take you anyway?
Ross: I don't believe this. Have you been playing musical beds while I've been away? Rachel I can't believe that you could
Rachel: Well at least I don't say the wrong guy's name!
Ross: I've said that I'm sorry about that. How many more times .
Joey: He got it wrong with you too!
Rachel: Look Ross I was in a really bad place. You were about to get married.
Ross: So you slept with Chandler!
Rachel: OK so it was a little extreme, but I needed to feel loved and Chandler was there and . You slept with Emily!
(The phone goes - Rachel answers it)
Rachel: Oh hi Emily. (Ross now does the frantic "not here" sign) Yeah he's right here.
Ross: Yeah it's 3 in the morning. What am I doing here? . Well Phoebe is in labor and . No of course not. How could you think such a thing (To the others) We seem to have lost the connection.
Rachel: Do you think if I told her that you said her name when you were with me it would make her feel better about you saying my name when you were with her? (Ross just freezes her at this comment) Well you know what they say. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Ross: We were on a BREAK!
Chandler: Yeah - I don't think that line's going to work on Emily either.
Joey: Pheebs do you need me to help you out some more - get things moving again?
Rachel: (In frustration) Ugggh. Can you do us all a favor and leave it for a few hours so we can get some sleep? I'm going back to bed - alone.
Chandler: (Looking nervously at Ross and whispering to Monica) Is the lock working on your door Monica? Because Ross looks pretty mad.
Monica: (Smiles) You wanna go and drink some more coffee?
Chandler: If your brother leaves me with a spoon to stir it with.
Ross makes a run for Chandler who dives into Monica's bedroom with Monica and locks the door.
Chandler: (From the other side of the door) Anyone got any condoms left?
That's it. No more. I'll leave Chandler at peace.