Written by Emily T. Handler
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright Kauffman and Crane Productions, NBC, and Warner Bros. I mean no infringement and make no profit. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Note: This is the second episode of my Alternate Season Six. It takes place immediately after "The One With the Really Big Mess," my first fanfic. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you do so before you read this one. Please email me with your comments on both! Which reminds me, I apologize to the person who sent me that survey about why I write fanfics. I lost your email address, so I couldn’t reply.
I am going to have to dedicate this episode to two different entities. First of all, to my friend Lee who sent both my fanfics to this site and has been extremely helpful and supportive. Thanks Lee! Fine, you win, you can be Pete the Millionaire. And secondly to the wonderful writers of the show Friends, who will never read this. They are brilliant and probably the best sitcom writers in the world. They arranged it so that, if you will remember, Rachel and Phoebe became roommates and Joey lived all alone so that Chandler and Monica could move in together. However, we all knew that couldn’t last. At least my way (as you will read) Janine the Evil Dancer will never exist and nothing will have to burn. Oh by the way, Laura from my first dedication would like me to add that she does the best Janice impression I’ve ever heard. Now read and enjoy!
Opening Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe walks in and pushes the answering machine button.
Answering Machine: You have five new messages.
Phoebe: Go. (like she did every time she answered her phone in TO That Could Have Been)
Answering Machine: Beep.
Joey’s Voice: (through answering machine, sounding scared) Phoebe! Where are you?! This is Joey and there’s a guy here who wants to be my new roommate and I think he’s crazy! He’s carrying around some scissors and he looks a lot like a serial killer I saw on "America’s Most Wanted!" Uh-oh, he’s going after Chandler! Phoebe, call the cops, I’m scared! (stops sounding scared) Oh, wait, Monica’s kicking his ass! Never mind Phebes, see ya later!
(beep)
Phoebe: And Chandler.
Chandler’s Voice: (through answering machine) Hi Phebes, hi Rachel. Just thought you’d like to know I was almost killed today. Hey, what do you get your girlfriend if she saves your life? I’m a little afraid to go with Joey’s suggestion. (pause) This is Chandler.
Answering Machine: Beep.
Phoebe: And Monica.
Monica’s Voice: (Through answering machine) Hey, it’s Monica. I just kicked a guy’s ass and now I’m hungry. Ya wanna go get lunch?
Answering Machine: Beep.
Phoebe: And Rachel.
Rachel’s Voice: (through answering machine) Hey Phebes, it’s Rachel. Did you hear about how Monica kicked a guy’s ass and saved Chandler? I was shopping so I missed it, but it sounded really...um...weird. Anyway, meet us at the coffeehouse!
Answering Machine: Beep.
Phoebe: And Ross.
Denise (Phoebe’s old roommate)’s Voice: (through answering machine, Phoebe looks startled because either it’s not Ross or Ross has become a woman) Hi Phoebe, this is Denise. I just wanted to let you know I’m moving back in today. See ya!
Phoebe: Oh no. (her trademark "oh no")
Scene: Central Perk. All but Phoebe are present.
Joey: I’m telling you guys, I’m never gonna find a decent roommate!
Monica: How many people have you interviewed?
Joey: Ummm... A lot, okay?! And they were all freaks! There was the girl who ate all my food, the guy who was allergic to the birds, the girl who was so ugly I couldn’t look her in the face, and then there was the guy who came during Baywatch. I mean, what’s up with that?!
Ross: (sarcastic) What is the world coming to?
Rachel: Hey don’t go complaining about your miserable life to me. Guess what Phoebe told me today? Her old roommate Denise thinks she’s gonna move back in with her! So now my roommate’s old roommate is sleeping on our couch!
Chandler: Oh nononono. The worst things always happen to me. I am the King of Bad Things!
Monica: Like what?
Chandler: Like the Peacock Incident, the "Everybody thinks I’m gay" Fiasco, and need I mention the World’s Worst Thanksgiving!
All: Yeah. He’s right. etc.
Ross: So what bad things are happening to you right now?
Chandler: Actually, nothing. But don’t worry, I’m sure something will burst in the door any minute now.
(Suddenly Phoebe bursts in, out of breath and panicked.)
Phoebe: Run Chandler! Run for your life!
Chandler: Ah, here it is.
Monica: Phoebe, calm down. What is it?
Phoebe: (trying to catch her breath) On the way here... I saw her... Coming this way...
Chandler: Who?
Phoebe: JANICE!
Chandler: (in the little yell he does when he’s startled) Bah!
Ross: Oh my God, she’s back!
Rachel: Oh my God, she thinks you’re in Yemen!
Joey: Oh my God, she doesn’t know about you and Monica!
Monica: Oh my God, she’s gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Oh my God, hide!
(Chandler runs and dives behind the counter, where Gunther is standing. Janice enters. Are you scared?)
Janice: (in trademark Janice fashion) Oh- My- God! How long has it been since I’ve been here?!
Rachel: Wow, look everyone, it’s Janice!
Monica: We sure didn’t expect to see you here!
Phoebe: (not getting it) Yeah we did, I told you she was coming.
(All glare at Phoebe)
Janice: Hey everybody! I missed you guys!
Ross: Well I think it’s safe to say that our lives are... never the same without you.
Janice: You are so sweet! (cue The Laugh. You know the one. Ross and Joey exchange horrified glances.)
Ross: Well, I gotta go! I- I gotta go pick up Ben!
Joey: Yeah me too!
(They exit- or escape.)
Monica: So, Janice. How’ve you been?
Janice: I just miss Chandler so much! Is he still in Yemen?
M, P, and R: Oh, yes. Absolutely. etc.
Janice: How long can they keep him out there?! Sometimes I think I should go to Yemen myself just to be with him!
Phoebe: (laughing at first, then serious) Oh, you...Should really do that!
M and R: Yeah.
Janice: I just need to know one thing. Does he write letters to you guys?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, all the time.
Janice: Then why hasn’t he sent me any?!
Phoebe: Well that’s ‘cause... I’m gonna go get some coffee.
Rachel: Well, um... All yours, Mon!
(Phoebe and Rachel step over to the counter, leaving Monica to fend for herself.)
Monica: (speaking very slowly, thinking and trying to buy time) Well...you see...Janice... you have not gotten any letters from Chandler because...He sent them to us to give to you!
Janice: Why would he do that?
Monica: Maybe he lost your address!
Janice: Well why haven’t you given them to me yet?
Monica: Maybe because we haven’t seen you until now!
Janice: When can I get them?
Monica: How about Wednesday?!
Janice: Tomorrow’s Wednesday.
Monica: (she didn’t know) I know!
Janice: Great! I’ll come by your place tomorrow then! (she gets up to exit and Phoebe and Rachel return to the couch) Bye you guys! (she exits with the infamous Laugh. Rachel and Phoebe wave goodbye.)
Gunther: (looking down, speaking to Chandler) She’s gone. Get off my legs.
Chandler: (pops up from behind the counter and returns to the couch) Close call! What’d she want?
Rachel: Um, that- That’s Monica’s story!
Phoebe: Yeah, I still don’t have that coffee.
(the two return to the counter)
Chandler: What’s going on?
Monica: (laughs nervously) Okay, before I tell you, I want you to remember how much you love me. And that this is really all Phoebe’s fault! (Phoebe turns around and makes a face at her)
Chandler: Okay...
Monica: Okay! (starts speaking really fast) Phoebe told Janice that you wrote letters to us from Yemen, not considering, even for a second, that that might seem strange to Janice because she had gotten no letters! So I told her that you sent her letters to us and I’d give them to her Wednesday!
Chandler: Tomorrow’s Wednesday.
Monica: I KNOW!
Chandler: So how long do you think it takes to get a flight to Argentina?
Rachel: (returning to the couch with Phoebe) Seriously Mon, how are you going to pull this off?
Phoebe: (raising her hand) Oh! I know, I know!
Monica: Yes, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Just, okay, Chandler can write some, y’know, passionate love letters to Janice tonight, and Monica can give them to her tomorrow!
Monica: Exactly!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: (taken aback) Oh.
Rachel: Well that should be amusing.
Monica: Do you have any better ideas?
Phoebe: No! Ha!
Rachel: Why can’t you just tell her the truth? Y’know, that Chandler was never really in Yemen and you guys are together now?
Chandler: To save you guys the trouble of fishing our mangled bodies out of a river.
Rachel: Oh.
Scene: Joey’s. Joey is interviewing a girl for the position of his new roommate. Let’s say her name is... Jessica.
Jessica: (in a preppy, valley-girl voice) So I was all, like, "Get out!" and she was like "No way!" so I was like, "Well I don’t wanna live with you anymore!" and she was all "Oh- my God!" So now I just hate her, ‘cause she is so like- Whatever!
Joey: (gets up and pushes Jessica out of the apartment) That’s just great. I gotta go... somewhere. (he has pushed her out into the hall and followed behind her. he speaks quickly) CouldyoulivewithaduckIdidn’tthinksobye! (he walks into Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Jessica: (from the hall) Hey! Like, wait-
(Joey slams the door, cutting her off. In Monica and Chandler’s- Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch, Chandler and Monica are standing in front of the door to the extra room formerly known as Rachel’s.)
Rachel: Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey. What’s going on?
Rachel: That is a long, long story.
Monica: (to Chandler) You are not coming out of that room until you have written five letters to Janice about how much you love her, and miss her, and lots of other things that aren’t true!
Chandler: But it’s Janice!
Monica: Go! (she pushes him into the room and closes the door.)
Chandler: (from inside the room) Will you at least come in here with me?
Monica: No! We might get... distracted.
Chandler: (still from inside the room) Yeah, I know. That’s kinda what I was hoping for.
Monica: Write!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: Well. That was interesting.
Phoebe: Well, see, it all started when-
Joey: No, no. I don’t wanna know.
Monica: So, Rach, how’s the divorce going?
Rachel: I don’t know, I haven’t heard anything. I just can’t believe how much your brother wants to stay married! It’s almost like-
(Ross enters)
Phoebe: (trying to cover up what they were talking about) And in speaking of bagels! It’s Ross!
Ross: Bagels?
M and R: Yeah.
Ross: I like the cinnamon-raison kind.
M, P, and R: (acting like that explains everything) Okay.
Ross: Do you guys know where Chandler is?
Rachel: Yeah, he’s trapped in that room. (points to the room)
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: ‘Cause Monica won’t let him out!
Ross: Ummm... Why?
Monica: He’s writing love letters.
Ross: To you?
Chandler: (from inside the room) TO JANICE! I’M WRITING LOVE LETTERS TO JANICE!
Monica: Just write them!
Ross: (to Joey) What?!
Joey: I don’t wanna know.
Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s. Phoebe is standing in front of the bathroom door. The shower is running inside because Denise is in it.
Phoebe: Hey, Denise?
Denise: (from the shower) Yeah?
Phoebe: I was thinking, since you’ll only be around a few more days, you might wanna come meet my friends?
Denise: (shocked) You have other friends?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Denise: How could you have other friends I don’t know about?!
Phoebe: (acting like she did when the gang found out about Denise) You just don’t listen to me! I talk about them all the time! My friends! I mean, where do you think I go all day anyway?
Denise: Sorry.
Phoebe: So, do you wanna come meet them?
Denise: No, not really.
Phoebe: (becoming insulted) Um, why is that?
Denise: Just ‘cause I’m sorta sensing that they’re a group of self-centered, co-dependent, neurotic people who sit around joking and drinking coffee all day.
Phoebe: (short pause) Well yeah. But I’m one of those self-centered, co-dependent, neurotic people! And under all that, we are so great!
Denise: Yeah, I don’t wanna go.
Phoebe: (faking niceness) Okay! Bye-bye! <=>):(<=> (This is my symbol for the Friends’ famous "way of giving someone the finger without actually giving them the finger")
(Cut to Chandler and Monica’s. Chandler, Rachel and Monica are there, but we can’t see Chandler because he’s still trapped in the room. Monica is in front of the door to the room and Rachel is sitting on the couch.)
Monica: Chandler! You’ve been in there all night! Janice could be here any time!
Chandler: (from inside the room) Just a minute!
Rachel: (to Monica) So, what’s my job again?
Monica: Just pretend like you still live here.
Rachel: Yeah, well that won’t be hard, considering Denise is practically taking over my apartment!
Monica: Rach, let’s focus on my problem, okay!
Chandler: (he’s still in the room) Done! Let me out, let me out, let me out!
(Monica opens the door to the room)
Monica: What took you so long?!
Chandler: Sorry. I got nauseous every time I wrote "I love you, Janice."
Monica: That’s okay.
Chandler: And also, in between letters to her, I wrote some letters to you.
Monica: You wrote letters to me?! That is so sweet!
(They kiss and start to back into the room, closing the door behind them. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door. Rachel gets it. It’s Janice.)
Rachel: Hi, Janice.
Janice: Hi, Rachel! You know today’s Wednesday, right? (The Laugh)
Rachel: Yes. Yes I do. Um, come in. I’ll get Monica.
Janice: (noticing the chair) Isn’t that Chandler’s?
Rachel: Um... yeah.
Janice: Why is it here?
Rachel: Well... When Chandler moved to Yemen, he gave the stuff he couldn’t take to his friends. So you might see a lot of his stuff here. A lot.
Janice: Oh.
Rachel: Monica’s in- um -my room cleaning. So I’ll just go get her. (She walks over to the door and yells:) MONICA! JANICE IS HERE! FOR THE LETTERS! MONICA!
(Cut to inside the room. Monica and Chandler look panicked. They’re standing by a closet)
Monica: Ummm... Get in the closet!
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Get inside the closet and don’t make any noise!
(Monica shoves Chandler into the closet and opens the door to the room.)
Monica: Hi, Janice! I was just-
Rachel: Cleaning!
Monica: Cleaning! The letters are in here. Let me get them. (Monica rushes into the room and grabs both sets of letters. Janice follows her in.) Here. (holds out one set and realizes it’s the wrong one) No, wait, these are mine. Here. (she gives Janice the right set of letters.)
Janice: Thanks, I-
(Suddenly a muffled banging and yelling issues from the closet, cutting her off.)
Janice: What’s that?!
Monica: (pretending she doesn’t hear it) What?
Janice: That noise!
Monica: What noise?
Janice: It’s coming from the closet!
Monica: I don’t hear anything. You should get your hearing checked, because there is nothing in my closet!
Janice: (freaked out) Oh. Okay...Bye then.
(Janice exits. Monica opens the closet door and Chandler jumps out)
Monica: What were you doing?!
Chandler: There is a huge spider in there!
Scene: Joey’s. Joey is there, interviewing a guy who we’ll call Henry.
Joey: So Henry, tell me a little about yourself.
Henry: I like mustard.
Joey: Okay.
Henry: No, I mean I really like mustard.
Joey: (not sure what to say) O...kay...
Henry: Yeah.
Joey: So, how do you feel about birds?
Henry: I like them with mustard.
Joey: Okay, but how would you feel about living with a chicken and a duck?
Henry: Did you say duck?
Joey: Yeah.
Henry: Oh.(he screams and runs out of the apartment)
(Cut to Chandler and Monica’s. Rachel is there. There is a knock at the door and she gets it. It’s Janice again.)
Rachel: Hey! Janice! Again! (told you.)
Janice: I know, I’m just too sweet to take more than once a day! (The Laugh)
Rachel: Yeah, something like that. So what brings you here? Again?
Janice: This is going to sound incredibly nosy of me, but I wanted to know if I could read the letters Chandler wrote to you guys. I mean I have only gotten five letters from him since he moved to Yemen!
Rachel: Well, um, he only wrote to Monica. But I guess you can read hers.
Janice: Do you know where she put them?
Rachel: Oh, yeah! I mean I live here don’t I?!
Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there. Rachel, Ross, and Joey are entering.
Phoebe: Hey guys.
R, R, and J: Hey Phebes.
Rachel: Phebes, I thought you said you were meeting Denise here today.
Phoebe: Yeah, she just left. She said, um, that she wants to move back in.
Rachel: But we don’t have any extra rooms.
Phoebe: Oh, see, that’s why she wants you to move out.
Rachel: What?! Phoebe, that’s crazy! I’m not moving out!
Phoebe: No, I know. I’m just trying to be patient with her.
Rachel: Why?! She is forcing us out of our apartment!
Phoebe: It’s just that I didn’t know she’d be moving back in, and now I feel all guilty, like I cheated on her or something.
Joey: Phebes, you shouldn’t feel guilty.
Ross: Yeah, especially if you thought you were on a break.
(Rachel glares at him)
Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll make her move out. But first can she take me to the zoo, ‘cause- (they all glare at her) Yeah, okay.
(Suddenly Janice enters.)
Janice: I’m back!
Ross: (quietly) Why is she back?!
Rachel: Calm down, she’s just giving back Monica’s letters.
Janice: Here are the letters. They were very interesting. (The Laugh)
Ross: I gotta go pick up Ben! Again!
Joey: Yeah, me too.
(they get up to leave)
Janice: I need to talk to you guys about these letters. It might sound crazy, but I’m getting the feeling that Chandler and Monica are more than friends!
Ross: (interested) Wait a sec, I don’t have to pick up Ben till next week!
Joey: Yeah me too!
(they sit back down)
Rachel: Why would you think that, Janice?
Phoebe: Yeah, I mean that is crazy!
Ross: Totally!
Joey: Yeah! ‘Cause if they were more than friends they’d be dating, or sneaking around, or almost getting married of living together-
Ross: Stop talking!
Joey: ‘Kay!
Janice: Well they start out very friendly, like this one. (she hands a letter to Joey)
Joey: (reading from the letter) "Hey Mon, I’m in Yemen. Could it be more foreign?"
Janice: And then they get more friendly, like this one. (she hands a letter to Rachel)
Rachel: (reading from the letter) "I miss you more than anything else back home, including my chair."
Janice: And then they get really friendly, like this. (she hands a letter to Ross)
Ross: (reading form the letter) "There’s no one as pretty as you in all of Yemen. I can’t wait to come home and see you."
Janice: Now am I being totally paranoid or does that seem a little unusual?
Rachel: Well...maybe a little.
Joey: Yeah! It does seem unusual!
Phoebe: Yeah, and how come he only wrote to Monica?!
Ross: That’s just not right!
Rachel:(to Janice) You know what you should do?! You should go and talk to Monica about this! Go! Right now!
Janice: Really?
Rachel: Absolutely!
All: Yeah! Go!
(she goes)
Ross: Why did we do that?
All: I don’t know.
Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Chandler is there, Monica is entering.
Chandler: Hey Mon, Joey called and he’s having trouble finding a roommate who’s willing to live with birds, so he was wondering if we could-
Monica: No.
Chandler: It was worth a shot.
Monica: I read those letters you sent me.
Chandler: Really? What did you think?
Monica: Those are the sweetest fake letters I have ever gotten!
(They start to make out and slowly back into the bedroom, closing the door. Just then Janice enters! She goes straight into Monica’s bedroom and sees Chandler and Monica making out on the bed!)
Janice: OH- MY- GOD!!
(Chandler and Monica practically fall off the bed, they are so startled.)
Chandler: (one of those gibberish word/sounds he’s so good at that sound something like) Phlegninsten!!
Janice: Chandler Bing! Why are you here and what were you just doing to Monica?!!
Chandler: No-no! No! This is Monica! This is Monana! I met her in Yemen!
Janice: Do I look stupid to you Chandler?! You’ve got some explaining to do and you’d better do it now!
Chandler: Okay, Janice. I’m gonna tell you the truth, and you’re not gonna like it. Which is why I’m gonna stand over here. (he takes a step back) The truth is... While I was in Yemen, Monica wrote letters to me. (he starts to talk like he did when he was talking about the Jellyfish Incident in TOW the Jellyfish) And as time went by- maybe I was homesick or just plain lonely- I began to have feelings for her. I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t anymore. So I came home and I realized... that I love her. She- completes me. (ala Jerry Macguire)
Janice: Oh, Bing-a-ling! You had me at "love." (sighs) As much as this may hurt you Chandler, I think that out time has passed. And you guys obviously belong together. So I’m gonna go now. Bye Chandler Bing.
Monica: I’m really sorry Janice.
Janice: It’s okay. Now I can go out with that cute guy across the street from me.
Chandler: Goodbye Janice. I’ll... (insincerely) miss you.
Janice: Oh don’t worry. Our paths will cross again. (The Laugh. Chandler and Monica look genuinely afraid.)
(Cut to Joey’s. He’s interviewing another guy- Vincent.
Vincent: (surveying the apartment) Yes... yes. I could work with this place. There’s a lot of feeling here! Lots of feeling!
Joey: Ummm....yeah. Sure.
(the chick and duck enter)
Vincent: Living birds! What genius! (he turns to the foosball table) And this alternative to a table! Yes, I can definitely work with this!
(Cut to the hall. The doors open on either side. Janice is pushed out of Chandler and Monica’s door, and Vincent is pushed out of Joey’s.)
Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s. Phoebe is there. A knock at the door; it’s Ursula.
Phoebe: Oh, hi.
Ursula: Yeah! (pause) So, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Ursula: Oh, you mean you don’t know?
Phoebe: Know what?
Ursula: Oh, you don’t know.
Phoebe: Apparently not!
Ursula: Yeah, you have to move out.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Uh-huh. I’m Denise’s new roommate. You have to go.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! No! Denise doesn’t even live here anymore!
Ursula: Yeah, ‘cause she was supposed to tell you that she met me, and she thought I was really cool, and she wants her apartment back.
Phoebe: Well... so she- and you- and... okay! Okay! Well I’m not gonna give her this apartment! So... Ha!
Ursula: Um, no, I’ll call the super and he’ll kick you out.
Phoebe: Why would he do that?!
Ursula: Oh! Yeah, I’m sleeping with him.
Phoebe: So let me get this straight. You stole my roommate, you’re sleeping with my super, and now you just expect me to give up my apartment?!
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh! And is there anything I can do about it?!
Ursula: No!
Phoebe: Okay then!
Closing Scene: Joey’s. Joey is there. Phoebe is entering.
Joey: Hey Phebes. Did you get Denise to move out?
Phoebe: Oh! That’s a funny story! It turns out that there was some misunderstanding, and my ex-roommate and my evil twin sister are kicking us out!
Joey: Phebes, that sucks. Was Rachel mad?
Phoebe: I think that she will be mad when she comes home and finds all her stuff in the hall.
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: What about you? Have you found a new roommate yet?
Joey: No, but they’re getting better. The last guy only tried to take apart my microwave.
Phoebe: Oh. (pauses and realizes something) Oh my God! My lamp would look so great in that corner!
Joey: Really? Hey, you wanna move in with me?!
Phoebe: Okay! Oh, yay! Now I don’t have to live on the street again!
End