Written by Kat.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.

(SCENE: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting alone, half-reading a magazine, half thinking about Ross, when Joey enters)

JOEY: Hey Rachel!

RACH(looking up): Oh, hey Jo!

JOEY: I really need your help, okay?

(Rachel puts down her magazine)

RACH: Okay, sure. What's up?

JOEY: Well, you know every year I work at the store as Santa-

RACH: Or an elf.

JOEY: Or an elf. Anyway, I got offered this part in a documentary about the millennium-

RACH: That's great, Joey!

JOEY: But, filming goes over Santa time. Plus it sounds really dull and it's not a very big part.

RACH: So take the Santa job. There, problem solved!

(She picks up her magazine)

JOEY: No. The documentary pays really well, and it means publicity.

(Rachel puts down the magazine again)

RACH: So take the documentary.

JOEY: But-

RACH: But what?

JOEY: But the children at the mall love me! I can't let them down!

RACH: When does the filming end?

JOEY: Christmas eve. It'll be too late then.

RACH: Oh. (she clears her throat)

JOEY: What would you do?

RACH: I'd go with the documentary.

JOEY: Why?

RACH: Well, I hate toddlers and I need money!

JOEY: But I love kids! But I do need the money...Help!

RACH: Sorry, you're gonna have to decide this yourself.

JOEY(beat): Man! I hate having to do that! (he picks up Rachel's magazine) I wonder if this can help me...

OPENING CREDITS

(Chandler & Monica's. Monica is pulling reindeer-shaped cookies out of the oven, and Chandler is hanging over her, hungry)

CHAN: Can I have one yet?

MON: For the last time, no! They're too hot.

(Chandler tuts)

CHAN: Man!

(Monica sets down the cookies and walks over to the fridge. Chandler sneaks over to the tray, and goes to pick up a cookie. As he picks one up, he burns himself and yelps, dropping the cookie in the process. Monica turns around and sighs)

MON: Chandler!

CHAN(innocently): What?

(Phoebe enters)

PHOE: Hey! (seeing the cookies) Oh, I don't know how you guys can eat animals.

CHAN(sarcastic): Neither do I. It hurts me to the tips of my very fingers. Speaking of which, ow ow ow!

MON: Instead of whining all the time, why don't you just run it under the cold tap!

CHAN: I did that. (whines) It hurts.

MON: Give me your hand. (she drags him to the sink and runs the water over his hands. Chandler looks like he's in loads of pain and like he might cry. She releases his hand, and he jerks back quickly)

PHOE: That wasn't so bad, was it?

CHAN: Yes. It hurt.

PHOE: Ooh, anyway! Central Perk hired me!

MON: To sing?

PHOE(sarcastic): No, I'm gonna serve coffee! (Monica and Chandler look shocked) Of course I'm gonna sing!

(Joey enters, wearing his Santa suit)

JOEY: Merry Christmas Eve!

CHAN: Not really.

MON: Oh, would you quit being a baby? Ow! The baby just kicked me!

JOEY: Aw, that's great!

CHAN: Let me feel!

MON: Are you sure it won't hurt your fingers?

Chandler grimaces and feels her bump)

CHAN: It's not doing anything.

PHOE: It was probably really annoyed. Children don't like adults arguing.

MON: Phoebe, it's a fetus.

PHOE: Duh. I think I know. I did have 3 babies!

CHAN: So, Jo, doing your annual Santa job?

JOEY: Yep! In the end, I put both jobs in a hat, and I pulled out the Santa one. Phoebe helped!

PHOE(whispering to Chandler): I actually put Santa on both pieces of paper. (she moves away, and puts her finger to her lips) Shh.

CHAN(confused): Okay...

(Rachel enters)

RACH: Hey! Joey! You took the Santa job! That's great!

JOEY: Except I'm poor. (he sticks out his bottom lip, and Rachel hugs him) Ohh yeah. Anything for a little Rachel love. (Rachel pulls away quickly, shocked) What? I'm just sayin.

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's, Christmas Day. The gang have just eaten Christmas dinner. Monica and Chandler are cleaning up, Joey is talking to Phoebe, and Ross is hanging over Rachel.)

ROSS(to Rachel): So, did you get enough time yet?

RACH: No, Ross. Not yet. Now please just stop it.

ROSS: Stop what?

RACH: Hassling me. Go away.

ROSS: Okay. Sorry.

(He moves away, upset)

JOEY: So, uh, anyway, Phoebe, you had a question?

PHOE: Well, yeah. Why do you dress up as Santa every year? I mean, why can't he ask the kids himself? And how does he know what they want?

JOEY: Well, uh, we fax him in the North Pole, cos he's so busy with, y'know, feeding Rudolph, and Blitzy and Donna Karen and the other reindeer.

PHOE: Ohh. That must be why he never writes me anymore. He stopped doing that after my mother died. Coincidence, huh?

(Monica walks over, showing off a new necklace)

MON: Like my necklace? Present from Chandler.

PHOE: It's really pretty! I saw one just like that at the mall!

MON: Really? How much did it cost him?

(Chandler dashes over)

CHAN: Hey! Don't ask her that! All you need to know is that it was expensive. And there's more to come later too.

MON: Oh, can I have it now?

CHAN: With all these people here? You want it right now?

MON: Yes! (realises) Ohh.

ROSS: So, do you guys wanna come to mine for the New Years?

MON: What? No way! I'm doing the party this year!

ROSS: This year? You do the party every year!

MON: Well, maybe because I'm so good at it!

ROSS: Yeah, well, you know what? At last years, I heard someone say the soda was flat!

(Monica looks shocked, and upset, and she buries her head in Chandler's shoulder)

CHAN: Why the hell did you say that? Who do you think you are, man? Mr Party?!

ROSS: I'm sorry. Monica, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I lied.

MON(muffled from Chandler's jumper): Then why did you say it?

ROSS: I was mad. I only said it because I knew...(Chandler raises his eyebrows questioningly) I knew you were a better host.

(Monica pulls her head up)

MON: Really?

ROSS: Really.

(Monica hugs him)

RACH: Oh, you know, that reminds me! I went to this great party on Saturday! It was the best-(sees Monica's devastated face) Next to Monica's!

(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. It's evening now, and Rachel is lying on the sofa. Phoebe is at the counter)

PHOE: Can you believe Christmas is over?

RACH: I know. 365 days until the next one.

PHOE: Wow. Santa Claus gets the longest holiday break ever.

RACH: Aren't you unemployed?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but not really. I'm singing at Central Perk tonight.

RACH: Really? When?

PHOE: At 7. Ooh! It's 6:45! I gotta go!

RACH: I'll go tell the others! We'll be down soon, okay?

PHOE: Sure. (she gets her guitar case and opens it. The duck is sitting in it) Is this ours?

(SCENE: Central Perk. The gang minus Phoebe, who is on stage, rush in and sit down)

PHOE: Okay. Now we can start. My first song is very festive. It's called Chester the Christmas cat. (she clears her throat and starts to sing):

Chester was a silly cat,

He thought he was a ba-a-at,

He slept all day, like other felines,

But then at night he flew on the ceilin-ne.

His owners were fed up so they threw him out,

And then he realised what cats were about!

Then one day Santa said to him,

Come along, you silly thing!
I'll take you to the North Pole, and you can feed the deer,

Donna, Blitzy, Donna Karen and...Sm-mear.

(she smiles at Joey)

(The audience clap)

PHOE: That song means a lot to me. Okay, I'm gonna take a bathroom break. That's not a song title. (she jumps up and runs to the bathroom)

(Move to the gang)

CHAN: Hey, Mon, I got you another present.

ROSS: You got her two? You didn't get me one!

CHAN: Well, uh...(he picks up a napkin and hands it to him) There you go. Merry Christmas.

MON: What did you get me?

CHAN: Well, the engagement ring I got before wasn't really very nice, so I thought I'd get you a proper one. Here. (he hands her a ring box, and it opens to reveal a wishbone ring, with alternating diamonds and rubies)

RACH: Oh, it's so gorgeous! I want one!

JOEY: Me too!

(The whole gang look at him)

JOEY: What? I could sell it!

MON: Here, Jo. (she hands him her old engagement ring)

JOEY: Thanks! Hey, this is all fake jewels!

CHAN: Shutup, man!

JOEY: What?

CHAN: They aren't fake. They're very real! Honestly, Monica, they're not fake.

MON: Okay. Whatever.

(Phoebe returns back)

PHOE: Yeah, uh, hi. Shut your little mouths now. I'm gonna sing a song called Where Are You Santa? Here I go.

(She strums her guitar, and starts "la"ing to the sound of Smelly Cat, and launches into the song.)

(END SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. Rachel is alone, looking through photo albums. We see pictures of her when she was little, swimming.)

(We see her and Monica as teenagers, smiling at the camera. We then see her, Ross and Monica on a baseball pitch. Monica is crying and Ross is jumping up and down because he's just won. Rachel is sitting on the ground, with a book.)

(The next photo is Ross and Chandler when they were in college. Ross is smiling and Chandler is pulling a face behind him, with his finger and thumb in the sign for "Loser")

(Rachel looks up, and smiles.)

RACH: I can't believe Chandler!

(She picks up another photo album, labelled Recent Photos, by Monica E. Gellar, 1998-1999. Rachel opens it. There are pictures from when the gang were in London. Rachel looks tearful suddenly, as we see a picture of Ross and Emily holding hands. She turns over, and there are about 10 pictures of Chandler.)

RACH: God. How sad. (she turns over, and although we don't see the picture we can assume it's something to do with nudity- could be Chandler or Monica, but the assumption would be that it's Chandler) Oh my god! Ew!!! Ew!

(She closes the photo album, but opens it again and takes a peak)

RACH: Ew!

(She slams the photo album shut and shivers)