The One With The Interpretive Dancing
Written by: Sharon Rogers.
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and
NBC and Warner
Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.
This is my version of the season six premiere. I'd love to know what y'all think of it.
will be joyously celebrated at firstname.lastname@example.org.
(The wedding chapel in Vegas: The chapel doors burst open and Ross and Rachel stumble out.)
ROSS: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross!
RACHEL: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel!
(They run laughing out the door, then turn in opposite directions.)
(cut to: Chandler and Monica look at each other, shocked.)
CHANDLER: When did Rachel grow a mustache?
MONICA: Do you think...?
CHANDLER: No! They couldn't have. They probably just watched someone else get married.
toward the chapel to look in.)
(The justice of the peace steps out.)
MONICA: The couple that just walked out of here...They didn't get married. They just
JOP: Do you *see* another couple here?
CHANDLER: But you couldn't marry them! They had obviously been drinking! Come on! Do
you think she'd
marry a cat-faced man if she were sober?
JOP: Look, in case you hadn't noticed, this is Vegas. Half the people here are drunk.
We like 'em that
way. It's a lot easier to take their money. Speaking of which, the basic service is three hundred dollars.
Will that be cash or charge?
(Monica and Chandler look at each other, then look around the chapel, then back at each other.)
CHANDLER: (quietly to Monica) Maybe this isn't the best place to..(A woman comes rushing out of the chapel.)
WOMAN: Did the last couple leave? (JOP nods) Oh, they forgot all their paperwork.
They'll need this
license to prove they're married.
MONICA: We'll take it to them! They're friends of ours.
(She snatches the papers from the woman, grabs Chandler's hand and heads for the door.)
CHANDLER: Wait! I didn't get to catch the bouquet!
(Chandler and Monica's room: Rachel is passed out on the bed. Monica is pacing. Chandler enters.)
MONICA: Did you find Ross?
CHANDLER: No, but I got to see a prostitute resist arrest! (Monica gives him a look.)
Where did you
MONICA: She was down in the lobby arguing with a statue about Roman fashions. I think
she'll be okay
here for a while. We've got to find Ross before he gets into more trouble.
CHANDLER: Can you believe they got married?
MONICA: I can't believe my brother is beating me three to zero! Just when I was about
to cut down his
(She heads out the door. Chandler pauses, looking after her a little disturbed, then
just shakes his
head, and follows her.)
(Joey and Phoebe are walking down the sidewalk between two casinos.)
JOEY: Man! I can't believe I got fired. Now I can't afford to stay till my movie starts up again.
PHOEBE: Oh no, Joey. You can get another job. You can play dress up for another casino.
Or you could be
in one of the shows. Oh! Do you know how to swallow a sword?
JOEY: No. I can't do anything. (They see a bum passed out against the wall.) See that
me in six months.
PHOEBE: That guy's not you. He looks nothing like you. He looks more like Ross.
(As they pass, the camera focuses on the bum, and it is Ross, but Phoebe and Joey just keep walking.)
JOEY: You've gotta help me out, Pheebs. What can I do to get some money?
PHOEBE: (stops and turns to Joey, grabbing his shoulders) Okay, I've got an idea, but
I'm gonna need
your full cooperation. Do you trust me?
JOEY: (hesitantly) Sure.
PHOEBE: Nope, I'm sorry, you don't *sound* sure.
(She lets go of his shoulders, and turns around.)
JOEY: Wait, Phoebe! (He runs around in front of her.) I'm sure! I trust you! Whatever it is, let's do it.
(cut to: Joey sitting on a motorcycle at the top of a big ramp. A sign on the ramp
says, "Leap of Death!
Jump the gap, win $1000!)
JOEY: PHOEBE!!! (He looks really scared.)
(cut to: Phoebe on the ground grinning, nodding, and giving him a thumb's up.)
(cut to: Joey on the ramp. A man is standing next to him, holding out a helmet.)
MAN: Sir? Here's your helmet.
(Joey whimpers, and looks like he's about to cry. He's got a death grip on the handlebars.)
MAN: Sir? Your helmet? (Joey doesn't move.) Sir?
PHOEBE's VOICE: JOEY TRIBBIANI! YOU PUT THAT HELMET ON, AND GET YOUR BUTT DOWN THAT RAMP AND OVER THAT GAP THIS INSTANT!
(Joey grabs the helmet, puts in on, and starts the motorcycle. He suddenly has a very
determined look on
his face. He revs up the motor.)
(cut to: Phoebe watching in slow motion. She's looking up, then her head follows the
path of the
motorcycle as it goes down the ramp, then up and over the gap, then back down on the other side.)
(camera zooms out to show Joey standing right next to her looking sheepish)
PHOEBE: See! *That* guy didn't chicken out, and now he has a thousand bucks. A thousand
bucks *you* could
have had, if you had done as I asked.
JOEY: (looks down, dejected) Sorry, Pheebs.
PHOEBE: Aw, that's okay, Joey. You can't help it that you're a wuss. It probably comes
with Chandler for so long. (Joey nods, satisfied with that explanation.) Come on. I've got another idea.
(She takes off, and Joey reluctantly follows.)
(Lobby of Caesar's Palace: Chandler is talking to a stranger. Monica comes up behind him.)
CHANDLER: (to the stranger) Thanks anyway. (turns around to Monica)
MONICA: Has anyone seen him?
CHANDLER: Nope. Unless he washed his face, because "Cat Man" is a lot easier to describe than "Ross."
MONICA: Okay, let's retrace the path between here and the wedding chapel again.
CHANDLER: Monica, this is a big city. He could be anywhere. And, even if he is drunk,
Ross is a big
boy. He can take care of himself.
CHANDLER: Besides, this isn't exactly how I had hoped to spend my first anniversary with the woman of my dreams. (He puts his arms around her waist pulling her close to him.)
MONICA: Oh... (She smiles, and lets him pull her in for a kiss.)
(Before their lips meet, a woman comes up.)
WOMAN: Were you the people looking for that drunk guy with his face painted?
(Monica whips around, and Chandler stumbles forward with his lips puckered.)
MONICA: Yes! Have you seen him?
(cut to: In front of the casino. A policeman is helping an almost unconscious Ross into
the back of
his police car.)
(Chandler and Monica run over.)
CHANDLER: Officer! Wait! You can't arrest this man! He hasn't done anything. I demand
to know what the
charges against him are.
OFFICER: Hey, relax, fellow. I'm not arresting him. He doesn't have any ID on him, so
I'm just taking him
down to the station to sleep this off.
MONICA: Well, I'm his sister. I'll take care of him.
OFFICER: I'm sorry. Unless you have any proof of that, I can't let you take him.
MONICA: (glides over close to the officer) Aw, come on. You don't really need to see
any proof, do you?
(she smiles and bats her eyes flirtingly) You must be really busy chasing after bad guys. (she opens her eyes wide, as if she's frightened just to mention bad guys)
OFFICER: Don't you worry about bad guys, Miss. They don't dare come out on my watch.
CHANDLER: Okay, boyfriend standing right here!
OFFICER: Boyfriend? (He's suddenly back to business, and puts his hand on Ross's head
to push him down into
(Monica smacks Chandler on the arm. Ross comes to.)
ROSS: Chandler! (He goes and hugs Chandler tightly.)
OFFICER: Oh! *Boy* friend! (pointing to Ross and Chandler)
(Monica smiles at the officer, then at Chandler, who is desperately trying to get Ross off him.)
(On the sidewalk outside another casino: Phoebe is writing something on the side of a
box. She puts the
box on the ground and tosses a few dollars into it, then steps aside. The box says "Interpretive Dance by
a real New York musician and interpretive dancer")
PHOEBE: (calls out) Step right up, folks, for the experience of a lifetime! Watch a
real New York
dancer interpret the music stylings of a well known New York musician.... me!
(a crowd starts to gather)
PHOEBE: Okay, just so you know, I normally play the guitar, but I don't have it with
me, so I'm just
gonna, like, sing the chords, okay?
(a man starts to walk away)
PHOEBE: Stop right there, Mister! When you go back home, how are you gonna explain to
your friends that
you walked out on an opportunity to see... (she looks off into the distance with an awed expression)...
(a hush falls over the small crowd)
PHOEBE: (seems surprised people are actually impressed) Wow! Okay, um, here he is
his engagement on Broadway... (looks into the distance again, and in a near whisper)... Joseph.
(She turns and extends her arm toward the corner of the building. Joey pokes his head
around the corner,
whimpering. The crowd starts to applaud. This gives Joey confidence and he dramatically steps out from
behind the building with his arms extended. He's wearing dancer's leggings and no shirt.)
JOEY: (with an unidentifiable foreign accent) Thank you, thank you. And, thank you,
Phoebay. You may now
begin the music.
PHOEBE: (still shocked that the crowd is actually paying attention) Oh! Right. Okay.
(She holds up
her hands like she's holding her guitar, and strums) brrrrumm, brrrrumm, brrrrumm...
(Joey starts waving his hands around and stepping from side to side slowly. A woman
steps out of the crowd
and tosses some money into the box.)
WOMAN: Woowoo! Take it off!
(Other women in the crowd start to hoot and call out as well.)
WOMAN #2: Show us the goods, baby!
(Phoebe changes her strumming sounds to a twangy porn music style.)
JOEY: (stops dancing) Stop! Back up, ladies. I know you want a piece of Joseph, because... heh heh...who wouldn't? But I am not that kind of dancer.
(A disappointed "aw" goes through the crowd and everyone leaves.)
PHOEBE: Joey! You could have made a lot of money!
JOEY: I know, Pheebs, but how could I look my Ma in the face after doing that?
PHOEBE: (incredulous) Your mom was in the crowd?
(starts looking around)
(Joey reaches over and pats her on the top of her head sympathetically.)
(Rachel and Phoebe's room: Ross is passed out on one of the beds. Monica is holding the
door open as
Chandler carries Rachel in. He puts her down on the other bed.)
MONICA: All right. How are we gonna keep them from getting up and leaving?
CHANDLER: I'm pretty sure the booze'll take care of that for us. They're out for the night.
MONICA: I just don't want them wandering out and doing something stupid like getting
CHANDLER: um... Speaking of getting married...
(Monica looks up at him, a little hesitant.)
CHANDLER: I guess we were being a little hasty tonight.
MONICA: Yeah, I guess so. I mean, marriage isn't exactly a spur of the moment kind of
sounds really disappointed.)
(Chandler looks right at her with a very serious expression. He walks slowly over to
her and takes her
CHANDLER: Monica, we *will* get married. (He smiles) But not tonight. Not here. I want
you to have the
wedding you've always dreamed of, y'know, with the dress and the bridesmaids...
MONICA: And all our friends and family...
CHANDLER: Family? (looks at his watch) You know that chapel might still be open.
(They smile at each other. Then he gathers her in his arms, and they look into each
others eyes as their
smiles slowly fade. He brushes the hair back from her forehead, then cups her head in his hand, stroking her
cheek with his thumb. Then he leans down and gently brushes his lips against hers.)
CHANDLER: So, wanna go back to our room?
MONICA: mm hmm.
(He leads her toward the door with his hand at the small of her back.)
MONICA: So when do I get my ring?
(The next morning: Ross and Rachel are still sleeping. Phoebe and Joey walk into the room. Phoebe
looks at Ross and Rachel, then looks at Joey, confused. Joey holds up his hand to his lips like
he's holding a bottle, and tilts his head back to show that they were drinking. Phoebe just nods.)
JOEY: I'm so tired. I can't believe we performed all night.
PHOEBE: Just think of all the money we made, though.
JOEY: (grins and starts pulling bills out of his pockets) Aww, yeah. I'm gonna count it
(sits down at the table putting the cash in front of him) One, two, three, four...
PHOEBE: Don't just count the bills, Joey. Count how much they're worth. (Joey looks
confused.) You know,
like twenty, forty, sixty...
JOEY: That's what I'm doing. Five, six, seven, eight...
PHOEBE: You mean those are all ones!? (She shuffles through the money on the table.)
JOEY: Aw, Pheebs! You made me lose count. One, two, three...
ROSS: Ohhhh! Who's making noise?
PHOEBE: (happily) Oh! Good morning, sleepy head! Did you have a good night?
ROSS: (sits up slowly) shhhhhhh...shhhhhhh
RACHEL: (rolls over) Could someone please turn off that blender?
(Phoebe walks around the room picking up the empty bottles.)
PHOEBE: Hmm, looks like you guys had fun last night. Although, since you're both still
fully clothed, I
guess you didn't have too much fun.
(Ross and Rachel look at each other, a little confused.)
(The door opens and Chandler and Monica walk in,holding hands.)
CHANDLER: (very cheerful) Good morning, people!
ROSS & RACHEL: SHHHHHH!!!!
PHOEBE: (with a little sarcasm in her voice) I was just about to ask them what they did
last night that
left them in this condition.
RACHEL: (holds her head) Well, we couldn't go downstairs because Mr. Maturity over
there decided to
draw on me on the plane.
ROSS: Well, I hope all the alcohol I bought for you makes up for that.
PHOEBE: So you guys just stayed in the room drinking all night?
(Chandler and Monica exchange a glance.)
RACHEL: Um... yeah, I guess so. I don't really remember doing anything else. Ross?
ROSS: (rubbing his temples) No, but we kinda had fun here, didn't we?
MONICA: So you guys don't remember going out at all last night?
RACHEL: Well, I couldn't go anywhere looking like this, could I? (points at her mustache)
CHANDLER: Hey, Ross, just out of curiosity. How many times have you been married again?
(They all turn to look at him.)
PHOEBE: Mom, or no mom... you should have taken your pants off.
(Joey nods, while the others just look on confused.)
(In the lobby of Caesar's Palace: Ross and Rachel are at the counter- their faces now clean.)
PHOEBE: I'm sorry you didn't make more money, Joey. But I'm glad you're coming back to New York.
JOEY: Aw, thanks, Pheebs. (He hugs her.)
PHOEBE: Although... (she pulls back from him) I just thought of another way you could make some money!
JOEY: (looks scared) Y'know what? That's okay. I don't want to stay here and do that stupid old movie anyways. I just wanna go back home. I missed you guys too much.
PHOEBE: Aw, that's sweet. (She hugs him again.) My grandmother probably wouldn't have
wanted me to sell
the cab anyway. (She walks away.)
(Joey looks after her like "aw man, I blew it")
MONICA: (whispering) Chandler! (pulls him away from the others) What are we gonna do
about Ross and
Rachel? They're married, and they don't even know it.
CHANDLER: You know... I don't think we should tell them.
MONICA: How can we not tell them? They're married, Chandler. Married! That's kind of a big deal.
CHANDLER: Exactly! Do you think those two could handle that kind of pressure?
MONICA: Well, they don't have to stay married. They could get it annulled.
CHANDLER: Remember when they split up before?
MONICA: Well, this is different. It's not like they've been dating or anything.
CHANDLER: Maybe. I just think they'd be better off not knowing.
MONICA: So we're just gonna keep their marriage a secret?
CHANDLER: Sure. (he grins at her) We're good at keeping secrets, remember?
(He pulls her in for a kiss.)
(cut to: Ross and Rachel at the counter.)
DESK CLERK: Your mini bar and room service bill for the night comes to $425.
(Ross hands him a credit card.)
RACHEL: (smiles up at him) Thanks, Ross.
ROSS: For what? I'm the one who gave you that thing, remember? (He brushes his finger across her upper lip.)
RACHEL: (touches her lip) I know, but you still didn't have to stay with me all evening and keep me entertained.
ROSS: I didn't?
RACHEL: You know what I mean.
ROSS: (softly) Yeah, I do... And you're welcome.
(They look at each other for a moment.)
JOEY: (calls from the door of the lobby) Hurry up,you guys! All that dancing made me really hungry!
(Ross and Rachel move apart quickly, but look back at each other and smile softly.)
RACHEL: (when they catch up to the others) So, where are we going to eat?
MAN's VOICE: (from behind them) I know a great place just down the street.
(They all turn around.)
PHOEBE: Oh, Chandler, I forgot! Guess who Joey and I ran into last night!
to be continued
Please let me know what you thought of this story! If no one writes to me, I just might get discouraged and
never finish it, then poor Chandler will never get to talk with his dad, and Ross and Rachel will never know
about their drunken marriage vows, and Oh! Joey will never see his dear old mom again!