Written by Caroline Bennett and Nick Anderson (1997) Re-Edited (1998)
Note: This is Caroline and myselfs first friends fanfic, which we wrote after watching TOW Barry and Mindy's Wedding which we liked as a episode, yet thought was lacking for a season finale. So anyway this episode is seen as a finale for season 2, while TOW Barry and Mindy's wedding becomes the premiere for season 3.
Jeanie is the red haired lady who Joey became Friends with in TOW the Chicken Pox and Joey suggested they go out on his boat with his family one weekend, all in TOW the Chicken Pox which is what phone call at the beginning of the script is in reference to.
Nina Is from TOW Two Parts PT1. Chandler didn't want to fire her after they began dating, so made up excuses about her being mentally unstable.
Janice, everyone knows who Janice is :)
***************************************************
Scene 1 [Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Chandler and Joey are there]
[The guys are watching Baywatch on their big screen TV while lounging in their 2 chairs. ]
CHANDLER: Oh go Yasmine go. Run baby run.
JOEY: Oh man, this is just so great, you, me, Yasmine, what more could we want. Life is so
good.
[The phone rings, Chandler goes and answers it]
CHANDLER: Hello? Oh_..hi Jeannie. I'm good thanks. Hold on, I'll just get him. Joey___uh
Joseph, it's for you. It's Jeannie.
JOEY: Jeannie! How are ya? Aaaaah_..am I free to go out on the boat this weekend with the
family? The boat? Oh yeah_sure__ Ok, well we can confirm the details later. Ok then, bye
bye.
[Joey hangs ups]
JOEY: Oh man, what am I gonna do? Chan, help me buddy.
CHANDLER: Help you? What help could you possibly need? All you need is a yacht, a wife,
and three kids by this weekend. Nah, you don't need my help____ Joseph.
JOEY: Oh, come on Chan, help me. Please?
CHANDLER: You want my help? Go Joseph go. RUN Joseph RUN!
OPENING TITLES
***************************************************
Scene 2 [Central Perk. Rachel brings all the group their drinks and then sits on Ross's
lap. They smooch while the others are talking]
MONICA: So have you decided what you're going to do yet Joey?
CHANDLER: Joey? Joey? Uh ah, remember, it's Joseph.
JOEY: [Nervously puts spoonful after spoonful of sugar into Ross's coffee cup ] Well I am
just going to have to come up with an excuse as to why I can't go this weekend. But then
she'll just ask me what other time we can do it. Man, this is bad.
ROSS: [Takes a gulp of his coffee] *No*, this is bad. [Spits his coffee back in his cup.]
MONICA: Well, maybe you can go, try and work out something.
JOEY: Ah, sure Mon. Oh I know, I'll just go to the sperm bank and say, excuse me, I don't
want any sperm, but I was wondering, have you got 3 little kids and a wife for me to loan
for a few days?
PHOEBE: I could be your wife.
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: I can be your wife. That'll be like way cool. I tried on a really beautiful
wedding dress today.
ROSS: Ah Phoebe, he needs the wife after the wedding.
PHOEBE: [upset] Oh. Well I can be that too! Uh ah.
CHANDLER: And please may I ask, why were you trying on a wedding dress?
PHOEBE: Cause I need a new dress and it was pretty. Duh.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
***************************************************
Scene 3 [Back at Central Perk, All of gang are there except for Monica who has left to
visit Richard]
JOEY: So I guess you could say so far I'm going okay with my family searching?
RACHEL: Definitely, Finding three children and a yachts going to be cinch.
JOEY: Oh okay, well then help me think, Chandler, Ross come on think [beat] Maybe I could
go down to a orphanage and adopt 3 little girls.
MONICA: Honey I dont think it works like that. I think its probably like a no refund
kind of deal. Anyway they would need therapy after the ordeal was over. [Getting up]
Well I'll see you later guys, Im off to see Richard.
[Central Perk door opens and in walks Nina and Janice. Gang turn around at a familiar
laugh]
JANICE TO NINA: Hahahahaha, I agree, Darth Vader had the sexiest voice.
MONICA: Talking of someone who needs therapy. [Monica Leaves].
CHANDLER: Ah, trouble, me, leave now
[Chandler leaps to his feet and scoots around towards the toilet]
NINA TO JANICE: Okay that cute little but reminded me of someone I once dated.
JANICE: Really, funny you say that, he did seem to get away quite quickly when he saw us,
If it is who I think it is hes just as quick on land as he is in bed.
BOTH: [Janice and Nina] Laugh
JOEY: C'mon Ross. Now your my last hope. If this woman finds out I have lied, she will
kill me!
PHOEBE: Hey, I know, why not pretend Ben is our baby.
ROSS: Good idea, I'll just phone up Carol and say "Oh hi Carol, it's Ross, Mind if I
lend Ben to some friends this weekend?".
JOEY: Please Ross, I swear I'll never mock one of those sceli..... sceli..
ROSS: [interrupting] Scelidosauraus
JOEY: [snaps his fingers] Yeah that thing, I'll never mock one of those things again.
ROSS: [Eagerly] I'll call Carol.
***************************************************
Scene 4 [All the gang is present at Monica's apartment except for Monica]
RACHEL: Chandler, what's going on with you and those two girls?
CHANDLER: Well, besides the fact that I've dumped one 4 times, and the other one stapled
my hand to my desk, I have a feeling I'm a wanted man.
[Door opens in walks Monica]
ALL: Hey Mon.
MONICA: Hi. Hey Joey I told Richard about your situation and he said it would be alright
if you use his parents boat for this weekend.
JOEY: Awesome, I can see it now. Captain........ Joseph Tribiani. [looking into space]
PHOEBE: Though you still have to work out where our two other kids are going to come from.
[Serious tone] You know I don't think the stork does deliveries on Saturday evenings.
RACHEL: Hey, well maybe you could just say the other two girls have a cold and had to stay
at their grandparents.
JOEY: Okay great idea. I'll go see does my mum mind looking after them now.
[Joey leaves to his apartment]
ROSS: Monica, are you feeling alright? You don't look to good.
MONICA: No, I feel like I've gone 10 rounds with a overweight panda on heat. Actually I
think I'm going to go to bed. See you guys tomorrow.
ALL: Yeah bye Mon.
[JOEY comes back into Mon's apartment looking a little sheepish]
CHANDLER: [is about to say something]
JOEY: [sees Chandler open his mouth] Okay, don't say anything, I forgot that the other two
kids are pretend.
***************************************************
Scene 5 [Rachel is at the kitchen table buttering her toast, Monica is in the bathroom]
RACHEL: [Takes a mouthful of toast] Oh god yum_. [Kettle starts boiling and she gets up to
make a coffee] [Clatter as her plate falls to the ground as she brushes past the table]
Noooooooo , why don't you ever land the right way up! [Picks her toast up and throws it in
the bin.]
[Monica comes out of the bathroom, not looking too good]
MONICA: Morning..
RACHEL: Hi, you want a coffee. [Looks at her] God you look like hell.
MONICA: Uh ah.
RACHEL: Are you okay? I mean, it sounded like you were throwing up in there.
MONICA: Uh ah
RACHEL: Isn't this like three days in a row you've thrown up?
MONICA: Uh ah
RACHEL: Well maybe you should go to the doctors today? There's a bad bug going around now,
Gunther has had it for a week. We sent him home when he threw up into a customers
cappuccino.
MONICA: Oooooh do not mention food or drink to me PLEASE. And__ I think I know what my,
ah, problem is.
RACHEL: What? The flu, a cold, the fact that you keep answering me with "Uh
ahs"?
MONICA: Uh ah. I think, you know, that maybe__
RACHEL: UH AH, what??
MONICA: Well I think I may be with child..
RACHEL: [Has just taken a sip of her coffee, spits out a mouthful, spraying it all over
Monica] WHAT? With child? Like a baby child? Like the one Ross has with Carol?
MONICA: Yeah, *that* kind of child, not like a goats kid! Calm down, its me who should be
panicked. Calm down alright, calm down, calm down, calm down, oh my god
RACHEL: Okay Im calming down.
[Monica and Rachel begin inhaling and exhaling simultaneously]
MONICA: So you know, I was thinking, I need to, Rach what do I need to do?
RACHEL: Well I don't know! When did this happen? Weren't you and Richard always careful?
MONICA: Well it must have been, you know, that night, the night you won the last condom
when Richard and Ross both stayed over?
RACHEL: {yelling} You still did it? Without protection? Mon_..
MONICA: I know, but you know, we were fooling around, and one thing lead to another, and
we were as careful as we could be.
RACHEL: Well I guess sometimes careful may not be enough. Does Richard know?
MONICA: UH AH! God no. I cannot tell him this Rachel. I need you to help me. Come with me
to the drug store and I'll buy a home pregnancy testing kit. I feel like your the only one
I can come to about this. [Starts to cry]
RACHEL: Oh of course Mon [gets up and hugs her], come on, lets get dressed and go now, you
wanna go now?
MONICA: Uh ah_[Rachel gives her a huge hug]
RACHEL: Hey did you feel that? [Pulls away from Monica]
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: I think I just felt the baby kick!!! [Monica gives her a dirty/but that was funny
too look]
***************************************************
Scene 6 [Chandler's office, Chandler is at his desk working when Nina walks in]
[Chandler grabs the stapler from his desk and hides under his desk, peeking up]
NINA: Chandler, you can come up, I promise I won't do anything else to you with a stapler.
CHANDLER: I'm not coming up, My desk is littered with weapons you could use, pens, rubber
bands, plastic animals.
NINA:[slightly annoyed] Oh C'mon Chandler. I swear I was stripped search downstairs.
[Chandler slowly gets back into his chair] CHANDLER: Okay I'll come up, but make sure you
keep your hands where I can see them. Last time you were in this office my hand became a
little bit too friendly with this desk
NINA: Well, it looks like you are just going to have to get used to me once again,
business has picked up, the ANUS is working quite well again, and this time I think I
might just be here to stay.
CHANDLER: [Looks stunned, before he slowly reaches for a box of tacks on his desk]
NINA: What are you doing?
CHANDLER: Well, you stapled my hand to my desk, so I might as well get used to the taste
of tacks because you've gotta be sticking it to me!
NINA: I'm serious, Chandler. And to prove that I have no hard feelings for you...) Would
you come for a coffee, tonight?
CHANDLER: {mumbles}
NINA: Good, I'll take that as a yes, I'll see you at 7, we will go to this little hip cafe
I know, its called Central Perk.
CHANDLER: Ohhhh wait a second............
[Nina walks out ignoring Chandler]
CHANDLER: What did I do wrong? [looking up towards god] [Beat] Your a woman aren't you.
[COMMERCIAL]
***************************************************
Scene 6 [Joey is putting little girl clothes on Ben, Phoebe is over at the window looking
out through binoculars]
PHOEBE: Oh look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing push ups.
[Joey puts down Ben on the chair and runs to window]
[Phoebe gives him binoculars]
TOGETHER: EWWWW
JOEY: Hey, watch out for that mousetrap!
TOGETHER: Ouch!
[Both walk over to Ben]
[Joey finishes putting on a bonnet on Ben's head]
PHOEBE: She's such a adorable little baby.
JOEY: Pheebs, its Ben.
PHOEBE: [sheepishly] Oh, well I knew that.
JOEY: [picking up Ben] So, do we look good? Me and my little baby girl.
PHOEBE: We are going to make a great family!
[Phoebe picks up Ben] PHOEBE: C'mon little Ben
JOEY: No let me carry him
[Walking into hallway]
PHOEBE: No let me. Do you think that this experience will traumatise him for life?
JOEY: No, not at all. I mean, look at me. I came out alright, didn't I?
[Phoebe glares at him]
JOEY: Well, what did you expect? I grew up with 7 sisters, remember?
[Phoebe and Joey exit the hallway, we hear their voices fading still arguing over who
gets to hold Ben]
***************************************************
Scene 7 [Monica and Rachel are at a drug store looking for a home pregnancy testing kit
for Monica. Rachel is waiting for Monica outside the bathroom. Monica can be heard being
sick]
RACHEL: [to Monica from outside] Couldn't you wait till we got home.
MONICA: I can't help it. [Monica exits bathroom] Besides, based on how it looked in there
before, I think that I did it some good.
[The girls begin searching the shelves for the kit]
MONICA: The pregnancy kits are nowhere to found, and I bet that explains the surplus
of condoms. Maybe the cashier knows where they are........
[Looks at Rachel as if hinting for her to go and ask]
RACHEL: Noooooo. Then he'll think I'm the pregnant one.
[Monica shoots her a dirty look]
RACHEL: Oh Mon, I didn't mean anything bad, it's just__,well I get embarrassed as it is
when I have to buy condoms. This is like a way huge step above that.
MONICA: Ok. Well how about you start looking on the other side, I'll go to the other side,
and we'll work our way in towards the middle, that way we should find them soon.
RACHEL: OK, good idea. [Walks off to the other side and Monica goes to the other wall]
RICHARD: [At counter paying for his goods] Thanks Mike, see you next time.
MIKE: Yeah Richard, good to see you again.
[Richard grabs his stuff and walks towards the door, then he spots Monica]
MONICA: [Finally finds the kits] Alright_..
RICHARD: [Sneaks up behind Monica] Hey Mon, what ya doin' here?
MONICA: [throws the kit in her hand up in the air in shock] Oh my god, Richard honey, what
are you doing here?
RICHARD: Well I had a few things I had to grab for work. [Spots the kit on the floor and
picks it up] Uh Mon_what's this?
MONICA: Well you know, god, she didn't want anyone to know, but I suppose you'll keep it
quiet, Rach thinks she could be pregnant!!
RICHARD: Oh my god. Woah! Wow! Where is she? [We then see Rachel head towards them]
RACHEL: Hey Mon__oh Richard__.ooooooooooh. Oh I see you found the kit. [Sees the kit in
Richard's hand]
MONICA: Yeah uh ah, I found it for you.
[Rachel looks at her in surprise]
RICHARD: I just want you to know that your secret is safe with me Rachel. If you need me
to be there for you I will be. And I know some really great doctors I can refer you to if
you are pregnant.
RACHEL: If I'm pregnant? Oh, yeah, if I am. Gee that'd be great Richard. Real great.
[Steps on Monica's foot]
MONICA: Ow, oh, bad cramp, bad cramp! [Grabs her foot and rubs it]
RICHARD: You ok?
MONICA: Oh yeah, I'm hunky dory! Just need to stretch my foot out. [Flexes her leg and
manages to kick Rachel at the same time]
RACHEL: OW! Monica! Watch it!
MONICA: Oh god so sorry Rach.
RICHARD: Well I gotta go so I'll see you tonight Mon? [Hands Rachel the kit]
MONICA: Uh ah. [Kisses him goodbye and he leaves]
RACHEL: What the hell are you thinking!!!!!! Now he thinks I might be pregnant!!! Jesus
Mon.
MONICA: God I am so sorry but I am so not ready to let him know. Please don't be mad at
me.
RACHEL: Aargh, god you can drive me mad! I could kill you.
MONICA: Look if it *was* you I'd pretend for you you know.
RACHEL: Oh I know. And I suppose I'd would ask the same of you. He won't tell Ross though
will he?
MONICA: God no. Richard is like the champion secret keeper of the world.
RACHEL: Well I hope so, lets go and get this test over and done with.
[They go to the counter]
[Rachel hands kit to MIKE]
MIKE: So pregnant are we?
[Rachel stares at Monica harshly]
***************************************************
Scene 8[Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel and Ross are there]
CHANDLER: Ross, what's the time?
ROSS: 5 to 7
RACHEL: Chandler, you really shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure its going to be okay.
CHANDLER: [Perspiring] [Nervous tone] I'm not worried, By the way, Ross, what's the time?
ROSS: Same time as you asked me 20 seconds ago.
CHANDLER: Okay, you no what, I can do this, what am I afraid of? Nothing thats right, I'm
afraid of nothing. Whats the time?
ROSS: [looking annoyed] Look Chandler. Just relax, OK? This is just the person that has
stapled your hand to your desk, she's friends with a person you've dumped more than once,
and now she's working with you indefinitely... [Ross starts to trail off as he thinks
again about what he's saying]
[Door opens in walks Janice and sits at a table near door and starts gazing through the
window. ]
CHANDLER: Arghhh {throws himself down behind couch peeking around sides.
NINA: Hi Chandler what are you doing on the floor?
[Nina has snuck up behind him]
CHANDLER: Oh you know just checking out the floor, you know making sure its stable and
all. Wouldn't want it to collapse or anything.
[Nina looks over in direction of where Janice is sitting and sees Janice]
NINA: Chandler, you won't believe this, come over here and meet a friend of mine. I swear
you will love her.
CHANDLER: Oh no.
[Rachel motions to Chandler moving her finger across her throat]
RACHEL: Safe to say, Chandler will be back here alone in about 50 seconds.
[Chandler and Nina have reached Janice]
NINA: Hi Janice, how are you? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Janice meet Chandler
Bing. Chandler, Chandler, where did he go?
[We see Chandler nervously peeking in from outside through the Central Perk window.
Neither Janice or Nina See him. He takes off running]
NINA: I swear he was here a minute ago
[Janice still shocked that Nina was with Chandler]
ROSS: Well honey it seems you were right about Chandler being alone, but not back here.
[motions to window where we see Chandler running away]
RACHEL: So, what do you think we will be doing tonight?
ROSS: Well I was going to let you decide
RACHEL: Wellllll, I was thinking something romantic, just the two of us something we
haven't done for a little while.
ROSS: [excited] Watch Jurassic Park?
RACHEL: Honey
ROSS: I know, I was kidding, [Ross and Rachel snuggle up on the central perk couch].
JANICE: [comes from behind and taps Ross on the shoulder while snuggling Rachel] Hey Ross,
your Chandler's friend, do you know where he would have gone?
[while Janice is talking, Chandler comes back to the window. He looks in and sees Ross and
Rachel talking to Janice and Nina. He tries to motion to Ross and Rachel not to say where
he is]
ROSS: Actually, I have no idea...
RACHEL: [interrupting] Oh, look honey. [sarcastically] There's Chandler now! [points to
Chandler through the window]
JANICE AND NINA: Oh, there he is! [runs out of Central Perk after Chandler]
[Chandler gives Rachel a "I'm gonna get you" look as he runs away from Janice
and Nina]
ROSS: Now, why did you do that?
RACHEL: Well, he had it coming to him. That'll teach him to look at my boobies.
***************************************************
SCENE 9 [Phoebe and Joey walking upstairs that go to the hallway outside his and Chandlers
apartment]
[Stoping outside the door to his apartment]
JOEY: I'm so glad Carol agreed to lend us Ben.
PHOEBE: [Giggling] Me too, cause its not like we could have told that Jeannie lady that
aliens landed in our backyard last night and abducted all three of our girls.
JOEY [Smiling] Though she did fall for the one about the other two girls staying with
their gran.
PHOEBE: I wonder if she believes anything you told her.... Like when Ben needed is diaper
changed, and Jeanie insisted on being the one to do it. Did you not see her cringe when
she saw that the baby had something it shouldn't have?
[Both Laugh]
[Joey takes Phoebes hands]
[CUT to Monica and Rachels apartment]
CHANDLER: Well, thanks to you Rachel, Nina now knows the whole story about me and Janice.
She's gonna have a field day with this at work tomorrow.
MONICA: [chuckling] I sure would if I was her.
CHANDLER: Thanks for your reassurance, just what I needed. [gets up and walks to the door]
Well, I'm going to bed now.
RACHEL: So are we OK now?
CHANDLER: Yes, Rachel. I never will see your boobies again.
RACHEL: Right.
[CHANDLER'S THOUGHTS: I'll just dream about them.]
CHANDLER: I'll see you all tomorrow. Good night.
ALL: G'night. [Chandler opens the door and he sees Joey and Phoebe kissing. Chandler
doesn't move and this signals the others to come and see what's up. When they do, they're
faces freeze up as well.]
[Phoebe and Joey stop Kissing]
JOEY AND PHOEBE: Ohhh
***************************************************
CREDITS START ROLLING
[Final Scene: Monica waiting with Rachel to see if the colour says she is pregnant or
not.]
MONICA: God I couldn't believe how long it took me to pee! I waited all day so I'd have
lots, just in case. How long to go?
RACHEL: 33 seconds.
MONICA: Should we look, see if the colour is appearing yet?
RACHEL: Well we can if you want.
[They go to walk towards bathroom]
MONICA: [Grabs Rachel] NO! We'll wait. How many seconds now?
RACHEL: 5_.4
BOTH: 3__2__..1
MONICA: Okay, how are you counting, like clock time or extra fast. [They both just stand
there looking at each other]
RACHEL: Look calm down Monica. Do you want me to go in with you?
MONICA: Ok.
[Cut to them in bathroom, Monica lifts up strip that has been used for test]
MONICA: [Lets out a huge sigh, we cannot tell if the sigh means positive or negative]
RACHEL: [Takes Monica in her arms]
FADE___
Many Thanks to Temitayo Anjou for his constructive ideas, and imput into this script. And
many thanks to the reader for taking the time to read our script.
Please feel free to send me your thoughts, ideas, criticism and praise at nickand@ix.net.au where your letter will be read and
replied to as soon as possible.