The One With The Dead Duck

Fanfic by: Crystal Claire

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Joey is moving boxes around the apartment.]

Joey: Yasmine, look out!

(Joey sidesteps missing Yasmine. In the process, he trips and knocks over a floor lamp behind him. As the lamp falls, we hear a loud quack. Joey's eyes grow wide and he turns around slowly. He bends down behind a box.)

Joey: Duck!

(Chandler walks in and immediately ducks.)

Chandler: What?!

(Joey pops up from behind the box.)

Joey: What?!

Chandler: No cowboys and Indians tonight Joey. I've got to get ready for that bachelor party!

Joey: Um, sure.

Chandler: What? No Woohoo!?

Joey: No.

(Chandler gives him an odd look and crosses to his room and exits. Joey picks up Duck, Unsure of what to do. Chandler enters from his room carrying a spaghetti stained shirt. Joey quickly hides the duck in a nearby laundry basket.)

Chandler: C'mon Joey! I was going to where this shirt tonight. It's ruined. I don't mind you borrowing things but you have to be more responsible.

Joey: I'm sorry.

(Joey exits looking dejected.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in a chair.]

Rachel: So who is this guy having a bachelor party?

Monica: A guy from Chandler's work. Frank something-or-other. Chandler doesn't even know him that well, but he's going.

Rachel: So what is the point of these things anyway? I mean, why do they even call it a party? A party you would want to remember. It's just an excuse for the guys to get totally wasted and then do whatever they want. And then, the next day, it's all okay because they were wasted. Nobody's accountable, right?

Monica: Gee thanks, I didn't think about it that way.

Phoebe: Well, it just won't be the guys. Chandler said there are going to be women there.

Monica: Tawny and Candy!

Rachel: Why is this bothering you, Mon?

Monica: It's not bothering me. Why would it bother me? I...I just think these bachelor parties are stupid. (BEAT) Men!

Phoebe: Oh, I think I want to go! It'll be fun. Do you think I can get an invite?

Rachel: Not unless you want to be the entertainment.

Phoebe: Oh, I could do that. I've got some new songs too!

Monica: Not that kind of entertainment. Tawny and Candy have a special kind of show.

Phoebe: Oh. Ooooh. (BEAT) I once jumped out of a cake at a Shriner's convention. (Phoebe shudders.)

(Monica and Rachel exchange looks.)

Monica: Okay, well on that note, I think I'll go scrub down the shower walls. See ya later.

Rachel: Oh, hey! I hate to leave you here Phoebes, but I have to run into work for a little bit. A new men's line is supposed to becoming in. Oh, here's Joey. I'll see you later.

(Joey enters Central Perk as Rachel leaves. He sees Phoebe and walks past Rachel without even seeing her. Rachel stops, but then shrugs and leaves.)

Phoebe: Hey Joey! (BEAT) Oh, what's wrong? You're aura is way out of whack!

Joey: I killed her! I can't believe I killed her!

Phoebe: Joey, please don't tell me. I wouldn't be able to turn you in and then I'd be an accomplice.

Joey: Oh my god! What I'm I going to do?

Phoebe: Okay, Joey, STOP! You're really beginning to scare me.

Joey: I killed Duck!

Phoebe: You killed Duck?

Joey: It was an accident, I swear. I didn't mean to kill her. (A little too loudly)

(Other customers are starting to look oddly at Joey and begin to edge away.)

Phoebe: (To the customers) He's an actor. He's rehearsing for a new play. It's very tragic.

(The customers turn back to there own business.)

Joey: Chandler's going to kill me. First, I ruined one of his favorite shirts and now I killed Duck.

Phoebe: What happened?

Joey: Well, I was moving some of Ross' boxes and I almost stepped on Yasmine. Then I bumped into the lamp, it fell over and there was this horrible quack! Kinda like, ya know, those squeaky toys.

Phoebe: Are you sure Duck is dead? (Joey nods.) But Chandler doesn't know yet?

Joey: No, I hid Duck in the laundry basket then I left. (BEAT) What am I going to do? Chandler's already mad at me for ruining his shirt. He told me I have to be more responsible.

Phoebe: Okay, well, you can replace the shirt. I know this great little place we can pick one up. (BEAT) Oh, and if Chandler doesn't know, maybe we can find a Duck double, a double duck, a duck that looks like Duck. But not at the same shop. They only sell clothes.

Joey: (Looking hopeful) Ya think we can?

Phoebe: Yeah, c'mon.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Monica is sitting on the couch eating some ice cream right out of the container. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey! Have you seen Duck?

Monica: Ah, no.

Chandler: I can't find her anywhere. I checked all over the apartment.

Monica: No. I haven't seen her. (BEAT) Oh no!

Chandler: What?

Monica: This probably means you are going to miss that bachelor party. You can't go out when Duck is missing.

Chandler: I know. I hope nothing's happened to her. (BEAT) Are you eating ice cream?

(Monica takes another spoonful of ice cream.)

Monica: Yeth. (She swallows the ice cream.) Ow! Brain freeze.

(Chandler walks over and massages her temples. He looks at the ice cream container. He stops massaging her temples.)

Chandler: Are you upset about something?

Monica: No. Why would you think that?

Chandler: That's not low fat. Triple Fudge Brownie is usually reserved for when you're upset, really upset. (BEAT) Is it the bachelor party?

Monica: No. Why would I be upset about some stupid bachelor party?

Chandler: It is the bachelor party! (Sadly) Don't you trust me?

Monica: Well yeah. (BEAT) I mean, it's just a party! Who cares if there's going to be a couple of strippers and lots and lots of alcohol there with you (BEAT) guys?

Chandler: You don't trust me. (In disbelief.)

Monica: I trust you! (BEAT) People just sometimes do stupid... uh, let me rephrase. They just sometimes do things they normally wouldn't do when they've had too much to drink. (BEAT) Remember, you, me, London.

Chandler: Oh yeah that! How could I forget? That never would have happened if you and I hadn't have been drinking and we wouldn't be here having this stupid argument right now.

Monica: Just go and find Duck so you can go to your party.

(Chandler exits.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Chandler is still running around the apartment looking for Duck. He goes to the kitchen area and checks the lower cabinets. He even opens the refrigerator. He makes a face and closes it. He stops and stares at the oven. He slowly opens the door to the oven. Joey and Phoebe enter the apartment. Joey is carrying a duck. Phoebe is carrying a shopping bag.]

Chandler: Where were you?

Joey: Out for coffee. (The duck bites Joey) Ow!

Chandler: No, Duck. I was looking all over for her.

Phoebe: She was outside wandering down the street. You know you really should be more responsible, Chandler.

(Chandler takes the duck from Joey. It doesn't bite him.)

Chandler: I'm sorry Duck. I don't know how you got out. But we're glad you're back. (To Joey and Phoebe) Thanks guys!

Joey: No problem. (Guiltily)

Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry about earlier. It was just a shirt.

Phoebe: Here, we got you another. It's an original.

(Phoebe takes a shirt of the bag and hands it to Chandler. Chandler sets duck down and holds up the shirt. It is an old Star Trek shirt complete with insignia. Chandler is speechless.)

Joey: Do you like it? I think it's way cool.

Chandler: Oh yeah, Joe. Outta sight. (Under his breath) And that's where it's gonna stay.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: How much did you pay?

Phoebe: Oh, we found it at this really cool store I know. We hardly paid anything.

Chandler: Now that's hard to believe (BEAT) it being an original and all.

Joey: I know. I think I'm going to get one tomorrow.

Chandler: Well, I have to get ready for the party now.

(Chandler does a little dance and then goes to his room to change.)

Phoebe: Hey Joey, Duck2 is kinda creepy.

Joey: Quit calling her that. (BEAT) I wish she would stop biting me!

Phoebe: It's like Duck2 knows what you did to Duck. Or, it's like that Stephen King story. Duck2 is really Duck, back from the dead, but now evil Duck. Anyway, we still have to get rid of the evidence.

Joey: What evidence?

Phoebe: The original Duck!

Joey: Oh!

(Joey looks to where the laundry basket was. It isn't there anymore. Panic is written all over his face.)

Phoebe: What is it?

Joey: The laundry basket is gone.

(Joey runs around the apartment, living area, kitchen, his room, the bathroom then Chandler's room.)

Chandler (O.S.): Hey!

Joey: Sorry! (He closes the door.) Chandler, where's the laundry basket? (Duck2 walks up behind Joey and nips his leg.) Ow!

Chandler (O.S.): Ross took it downstairs.

(Joey and Phoebe dash out of the apartment. Chandler peeks out of his room and sees that they're gone. He shrugs and then enters back into his room.)

[Scene: Laundry room. Ross walks into the laundry room humming. Ross is about to open the washing machine when Joey and Phoebe run in behind him and startle him.]

Ross: Augh!

Joey: What are you doing?!

Ross: What does it look like I'm doing?

Joey: Oh, no. This is bad. Very, very bad.

Ross: What? I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you guys letting me stay with you so I'm doing Chandler's laundry. Don't worry, I'll do yours next.

(Ross lifts up the washing machine lid while looking away at Joey. He pulls out a towel. It is covered in feathers. Joey lets out a scream. Ross drops the lid and towel. The towel is hanging out of the washing machine.)

Ross: What the hell?

Phoebe: Okay, like, don't open that ever, ever again!

Ross: Are these feathers?

(Joey is whimpering. Ross opens the lid and looks inside. He lets out a girly scream and slams the lid close.)

Ross: Oh my God! Oh my God! Is that Duck?! (Joey and Phoebe nod.) I killed Duck?!

Joey: Oh, Chandler's going to kill you! Poor Duck!

Phoebe: Joey accidentally killed Duck accident earlier and Joey hid her in the laundry basket.

Ross: Joey! You killed her?!

Joey: Thank God for small favors. I'm not the one who decided to send her through the spin cycle! (BEAT) How could you stuff her in the washer?

Ross: Lights, darks, dead ducks! (He shakes his head in disbelief) I don't separate before I load! I'm not Monica! I just loaded her in there. I didn't know. I didn't know.

Joey: I know, I know. I'm sorry. (Weepy) Duck, I'm so sorry.

Ross: What are we going to do?

Phoebe: We kinda had a plan until you ruined Chandler's clothes. We bought a replacement Duck so Chandler will never have to know what you guys did to Duck.

Joey: Maybe we can go back to that store and get some more of those shirts.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. The cushions are off the couch and Monica is using a hand vac on the couch. Rachel comes running out of her room screaming.]

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Monica: What's the matter? (She shuts off the hand vac.)

Rachel: Big, huge, hairy!

Monica: I thought you weren't dating Paolo anymore. (She laughs.)

Rachel: No! A big icky spider was in my bed. It crawled across my leg!

(Rachel jumps up and down squirming.)

Monica: It's just a spider!

Rachel: It had fangs! I swear it had fangs!

Monica: You're such a wuss!

(Monica goes into Rachel's room with the hand vac. She turns it on.)

Monica (O.S.): Ah ha! There you are!

(The sound of the spider being sucked into the hand vac can be heard. Rachel flaps her hands and makes an "icky" face. Monica enters the living area with the hand vac.)

Monica: You were right. It was kinda big.

(Monica walks up to Rachel with the hand vac. Rachel moves behind the couch. Monica has no idea that she is making Rachel nuts with the hand vac.)

Rachel: I can't sleep in there tonight!

(Monica points the hand vac at Rachel.)

Monica: You're being a big baby!

(Rachel whimpers because the hand vac gets too close. She backs away from Monica and goes to the kitchen.)

Rachel: I hate spiders more than anything!

Monica: Look, I got him. He's not going to bother you anymore.

(Monica follows her to the kitchen.)

Rachel: What if he wasn't alone!

Monica: I don't think that bed's seen any action for months!

Rachel: Monica, I'm not kidding! I can't sleep in there tonight!

Monica: All right! All right! (Gesturing wildly with the hand vac.) I'll sleep there tonight. You can sleep in my room.

Rachel: Would you cut it out! (Pointing at the hand vac.) Just 'cuz you sucked it up, doesn't mean it's dead.

Monica: Oh, sorry. (BEAT) Um, I have one condition though.

Rachel: Name it!

Monica: You have to dust and clean your room first.

Rachel: I'm not going back in there!

Monica: You know I'm allergic to dust, and it doesn't look like you've dusted in there since you moved in. In fact, it's no wonder spiders are living in there!

Rachel: That's a crock. I dust every week. (Unconvincingly)

Monica: Okay, little Miss Muffet! You can sleep in your own bed!

Rachel: Okay! Okay! I'll dust, but I'm not vacuuming. (Pointing at the hand vac.)

(Monica strikes a superhero's pose with the hand vac.)

Monica: If you find any more spiders, I'll suck them up!

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Monica is coming upstairs with a bucket and rubber gloves. Chandler comes out of his apartment.]

Chandler: What have you been doing? Scrubbing the foyer floor again?

Monica: Uh no. Actually, I don't think you want to know. (BEAT) The foyer is looking a little disgusting though. Why can't people take two seconds to wipe their feet on the nice little doormat? I mean, Mr. Treeger bought the darn mat so people could use it.

Chandler: (Chandler gives her a look.) Didn't you buy the mat? I mean, it's got kittens and puppies on it. Somehow, I can't picture Mr. Treeger picking it out.

Monica: Okay, I bought the mat, but they should still use it. (BEAT) Anyway, I'm glad I caught you before you left.

Chandler: Yeah, me too.

Monica and Chandler: I'm sorry.

Monica: No, I'm really sorry. I do trust you.

Chandler: I don't have to go if you don't want me to.

Monica: No, go. I hope you have a good time.

(They kiss. Monica breaks away after a moment.)

Monica: There's um, something we need to discuss.

Chandler: More about the strippers? Because, I'm a guy! I'm going to look, but I won't touch, okay?

Monica: Okay, but actually I wanted to talk to you about ducks.

(Monica leads Chandler downstairs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. The apartment is dark. Ross is sleeping on the couch. He is tossing and turning. He wakes up and sees Duck2 watching him. Ross screams. Joey pops out of his bedroom door.]

Joey: What?!

Ross: I'm okay. I'm okay. That duck scared the life outta me. It's so creepy how it just hovers.

Joey: It hovers? (Real panic in his voice.)

Ross: Hovers as in, hangs around and stares.

Joey: Oh. (Relieved) I'm scared to go out there.

Ross: Uh huh. I'm going to sleep in Chandler's room.

Joey: Can you stop by the bathroom and get me more Band-Aids?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. The lights are dimmed in the apartment. The television is on. Monica can't sleep. She is watching TV on the couch and flipping through the channels. In front of her on the coffee table are two empty bottles of wine. An exercise show comes on and she tilts her head, leans back and halfheartedly tries some weird stretch move that looks suggestive. Monica groans like she's pulled a muscle. She gives up. She checks her watch, gets up and exits the apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Ross is sound asleep facing the wall. Monica enters the bedroom and bumps into the dresser. Ross stirs a little but doesn't turn around.]

Monica: Chandler, wake up. I've got my own little strip show for you.

(Ross stirs again.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. The two bedroom doors are shut. Ross screams a girly scream from behind Chandler's door.]

Joey (O.S.): Ross, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I promise I'll get rid of the duck tomorrow!

[Scene: Monica's bedroom. Rachel is curled up in Monica's bed. Chandler enters the bedroom quietly. He takes off his shirt, shoes and pants and crawls into the bed. He cuddles up to Rachel and starts kissing the back of her neck. Rachel dreamily turns around. Suddenly Rachel opens her eyes. Chandler and Rachel both scream.]

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler with clothes in hand and Monica wearing a T-shirt and carrying her pants enter the hallway from opposite doors at the same time, almost running into each other. Ross and Rachel follow both looking shocked.]

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Ross and Rachel: What's going on?

Chandler: I, I ... I'm drunk. I got confused. I took a wrong turn!

Monica: I was drinking too. And sleep walking. Yeah, I must have been sleep walking.

Ross: You were getting naked in Chandler's room! You were doing a striptease.

(Chandler starts laughing.)

Monica: I know, I know. It was a nightmare! Thank God you woke me up with that scream.

Ross: No problem, I'll just add it to the list of things I need to discuss with a therapist someday.

(Joey runs screaming out of his apartment and into the girl's apartment. The duck is chasing him.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Both are wearing Star Trek T-shirts. Chandler is very embarrassed. Joey looks very happy.]

No ducks were hurt during the actual writing of this fanfic. Also, I'd like to take a minute to thank my friend, Robin for assisting me this story line.