Hi guys! This is not a season 5 premiere fanfic, but just a season 5 episode fanfic. Why? Because, first of all, it doesnt start after Ross said I take thee, Rachel. Im simply assuming that Ross doesnt get to marry Emily (to satisfy R&R fans as well! =)) and theyre all back in New York. Just read the script and hope you like it. Dont forget to tell me what you think!
(SCENE 1: LONDON. The infamous church scene, only its Chandler and Monicas wedding: Monica is wearing Emilys wedding dress, and Chandler is in Ross tux.)
PRIEST: Now, Chandler Bing, repeat after me. I, Chandler
CHAN: (faces Monica) I, Chandler
PRIEST: Take thee, Monica
CHAN: Take thee, Kathy huh Monica
(The crowd gasps, a shot of Kathy sitting on the back, wearing a shocked expression that Rachel would have used. Next, a shot of Monica, her eyes widening like Emilys, and slowly sinking in the ground.)
MNCA: (screaming hysterically) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(FADE OUT: Shot of Monicas bedroom as she wakes up, panting heavily. She turns to look at Chandlers sleeping figure beside her. After a thought, she shoves Chandler hard and he lands flat on the floor.)
MNCA: (a satisfied smile on her face as she lies down again) And if you ever said Janice, Id throw you out the window.
(SCENE 2: STILL IN MONICAS BEDROOM. The next day. Chandler wakes up and is surprised to find himself on the floor.)
CHAN: Uh, Mon why am I kissing this nice, of course very polished floor?
MNCA: (embarrassed at what shed done) Err you were having bad dreams honey. These are new sheets.
CHAN: (confused) It was bad? Ive been dreaming of four naked ladies in a hot tub, calling out to me. One of them was YASMINE BLEETH! (Monica gives him a hard stare) Such a terrible, terrible dream. Let me pinch myself again.
MNCA: (cuddles up to Chandler) Well, honey, since youve woken up, let me give you something else to dream about (they kiss passionately and Chandler jumps back into the bed energetically)
(Rachel knocks on the door)
RACH: (from outside) Mon? You there? I just got back from Phoebes. Can we talk?
MNCA: (whispering) Oh no! Rachels back. Quick! Get out of here!
CHAN: (panicky as he grabs Monicas pink robe and wears it, not realizing what he was doing) What? Now?
How am I suppose to do that when shes hovering over the door?
MNCA: (looks around the room frantically) Use the window! It leads to the balcony, then run out the door when I let her inside here. Go! Go! Move it, fat ass!
CHAN: What did you call me? (hurt and annoyed)
MNCA: (shocked at what she just said) Err I said: Can you please hurry it up, love?
CHAN: I know thats NOT what you said, but okay. You love me? (looks deep in Monicas eyes) Cause I god damn love you so much.
MNCA: (pleased) Really? You love me?
RACH: (from outside, whiny) Yes, Monica. I love you, if thats what you want me to say. BUT I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW!
(Chandler and Monica jumps in surprise, momentarily forgetting Rachel was outside the bedroom door. After one last kiss, Chandler hurriedly climbs out the window, but slips and falls on the floor)
RACH: Mon? What was that?
MNCA: (to Rachel) Uh er that was...me. OWWWW! (helps Chandler up as he opens his mouth, silently saying oww too)
RACH: (shot of her face, confused) Well, let me in! Ill help you.
MNCA: No! I got it..thanks my butts so much used to being the punching bag of the whole football team in high school (fake laugh) haha (ushers Chandler to the window with shooing motions. Chandler gives her a weak thumbs-up sign as he slowly steps on the balcony)
RACH: MONICA GELLER! Are you hiding something from me?
MNCA: No, no, no, no Why would I hide something from you? No siree never in a hundred trillion years hehe (quickly stuffs a pillow under her butt and opens the door) Hi Rachel. What a nice surprise. Come on in. (yanks Rachel inside, and looks around the apartment for Chandler. A shot of Chandler just entering from the balcony. Monica waves and Chandler mouths the words Call you later before running to the door, skipping happily)
RACH: (puts her hands on her hips) Mon what is going on?
MNCA: Nothing. You just woke me up, thats all. (out of the corner of one eye, kicks Chandlers sweats and shirt under the bed)
RACH: (eyes Monica skeptically, but shrugs) Okay. Anyway, I want to talk to you about the London thingy. You know
MNCA: (nods quickly) Yeah, sure. Lets have a cup of coffee and then we can talk.
(They head to the kitchen. Rachel automatically sits and buries her face in her hands while Monica makes the coffee)
RACH: God, Im so stupid. Why did I go to London? I ruined Ross wedding. His life. Everything.
MNCA: Oh, dont say that Rach. You didnt do anything. Ross was the one who screwed up. He shouldnt have gone through with the wedding if he still has those feelings he has.
RACH: (wanting to be convinced) Really? You think so?
MNCA: Sure! Now do you feel better?
RACH: (looks at Monica for a long time) Y..y no.
MNCA: Oh, honey. (they hug.)
ROSS: Oh. (looks at the girls) Sorry. Ill just wait for my turn outside. (turns around quickly just as Joey enters. They bump with each other hard)
JOEY: Awww man. (shakes his head)
ROSS: (stammering) S..sorry, Joey. Are you ok?
JOEY: (confused) Joey? Whos Joey?
(SCENE 3: MONICA & RACHELS APARTMENT. Monica and Rachel rushes over to Joey, whos rubbing his head. Ross grips Joeys shoulders tightly) ROSS: Joey. Youre Joey. Joey Tribbianni. Dont you remember?
ROSS: Youre my good buddy. You live across the hall.
JOEY: (scratches his head) Huh?
RACH: Joey, honey
JOEY: (turns to look at Rachel, uses his old pick up line) Hey how you doin?
(Rachel looks stunned)
MNCA: Joey! (Joey looks at Monica and opens his mouth to say the same thing) Save it.
RACH: Oh my god! What are we going to do? (on the verge of tears)
MNCA: Ross, you and Rachel get Joey to a doctor (looks at Joey, whos eyeing her up and down, and winking at
her) fast. Ill tell Chandler whats happening. (runs out the door)
(Ross and Rachel look at each other uncomfortably)
ROSS: Uh wed better get going.
RACH: Yeah, sure. Lets go.
(They slowly walk out the door)
JOEY: (holds a portrait of Mrs. Geller) Hey how you doin?
(Ross and Rachel turns back and drags Joey on each arm.)
RACH: Whoopsie. Musnt forget the patient. (smiles sheepishly)
ROSS: Yuppie. (smiles weakly. Door closes behind them)
(SCENE 4: CHANDLER & JOEYS APARTMENT. Monica rushes to the door. Chandler bangs his head on the fridge)
CHAN: Stupid freakin (looks at Monica) Hello, my love. (puckers his lips)
MNCA: Hi. Come on. Weve got to get to the hospital. Joeys got amnesia.
CHAN: Amnesia? You mean you just found out that Joey lost his brain?
MNCA: Im serious, Chandler. He must have gotten it when he and Ross bumped into each other. Lets go.
CHAN: Okay, okay. I was just hoping to get a smile out of your gorgeous face. (Monica smiles a little, and kisses him on top of the forehead) Thats it?
MNCA: (opening the door) YES. Well do something better later. But we have to get moving now. Come on. Hup! Hup! Hup!
(Chandler jogs out the door like a soldier. Monica puts two fingers in her mouth and blows a sharp whistle. Chandler freezes.)
MNCA: (clearing her throat) Honey, I think its too cold out to be wearing my pink robe.
CHAN: (looks at his outfit, and yelps in surprise) Hup! Hup! Hup! (runs to his room to change)
MNCA: (looks at Chandlers retreating figure) Pink really isnt such a hot color for you, honey. (the door closes) But the frilly style looks great!
(SCENE 5: THE HOSPITAL. The same one during TOW the Birth. Ross and Rachel are pacing nervously in the waiting room. They nearly bump into each other.)
ROSS AND RACH: (at the same time) Sorry. (they avoid looking at each other. Rachel sits on the couch.)
ROSS: (looks at Rach) Umm Rach you wanna talk?
RACH: (looks at Ross) Yeah. Umm Im really sorry for what happened at your wedding. Really.
ROSS: (takes a deep breath) Thanks. Er I didnt really mean it when I said your name instead of (Rachel looks hurt, but tries not to show it) Huh no I mean I dont know what I mean, really, but
(An old man enters. Hes the doctor.)
DOC: Hello! Im Dr. Ramoray.
ROSS: (surprised) Dr. Drake Ramoray? You really exist?
DOC: (confused) No Dr. Ramon Ramoray. Of course I exist, you oaf!
ROSS: (taken aback at what the doctor said) Oh. Okay.
DOC: (peers at Ross and Rachel through thick glasses) I take it youre the parents of the child? Joseph Tribbianni?
(Ross and Rachel look at each other strangely.)
RACH: (uncertainly) Sure. Whatever. How is he, doctor?
DOC: Well, he has amnesia. That I can say. It should wear out in a couple of days at least. For now, we should help him jog up his memory. Can I count on you for that? (pinches Ross cheek, then Rachels.) Such a cute couple. (smiles at them, then leaves the room)
(Ross and Rachel look at each other, embarrassed.)
ROSS: Senile. (points at the door)
RACH: Weirdo. (forces a smile)
JOEY: Hi. Who are you guys?
ROSS: (pronouncing every word slowly) Me, Ross GELLER. She, (points to Rachel, who waves at Joey
energetically) Rachel Karen GREEN.
RACH: Uh, Ross. Joeys got amnesia. Hes not a reincarnation of little Ben.
ROSS: (embarrassed) Well, wed better go.
(Chandler and Monica enters the room)
CHAN: Joey! Are you all right? (grabs Joey by the shoulders)
JOEY: (looks at Chandler strangely) Bing!
MNCA: Hey! He remembers YOU, Chandler! Whats MY name this time, Joey?
JOEY: Bing! Bing! Bing!
CHAN: (annoyed) Great. THAT he remembers.
(SCENE 6: MONICA & RACHELS APARTMENT. Phoebe is there, lying comfortably on the couch.)
PHOE: God. Where are they? What if I need a flunky to fix me a snack? (rubs her big tummy)
(Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey enters.)
PHOE: Hey guys! Where have you been? Somebody help me to the bathroom!
RACH: Ill help you Phoeebs. (runs to Phoebe)
PHOE: Oooh (looks at Joey) did Joey eat my painkillers again?
MNCA: No, sweetie. Joeys got amnesia.
PHOE: Really? I knew his karma was upside down today. (pleased with herself)
CHAN: (rolls his eyes) Great Phoeebs. I knew that was the reason why he looks this terrible. His karma decided to play on the monkey bars.
JOEY: (looks at Chandler) Bing?
CHAN: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah. Play with my name. Have all the fun. I wish your name was something like JOSEPH GELLER
CHAN: .RYALALALA (does a little dance)
(Joey sits down on the couch. Phoebe sits down next to him.)
RACH: Uh, honey? I thought you were going to the bathroom?
PHOE: Oh! I just wanted to know if youll go with me. Youre such a good friend (hugs Rachel then faces Joey) So you dont remember anything, huh?
JOEY: Are you my mother?
PHOE: (looks at him strangely) Uh-huh. (she pats Joey on the head, then turns to the gang) This is fun! (whispers to Rachel) Can I tell him youre my fairy godmother?
(SCENE 7: SAME PLACE. Phoebe is still talking animatedly to Joey. Chandler and Monica are stealing a kiss behind the fridge. Ross is seated next to Joey, looking at Phoebe and Joey strangely. Rachel comes out from her room.)
PHOE: This (points to her tummy) is a magic crystal ball I ate for breakfast.
JOEY: Really? WOW .
CHAN: Hey guys. Ill be right back. I just have to get the dip from our apartment. (gives Monica a knowing look and heads out the door)
MNCA: (pauses a little) You know what? Id better tell Chandler to bring chips as well. (runs out the door)
RACH: Hey, guys. What are you doing?
ROSS: Oh. Were helping Joey bring his memory back.
RACH: Really? Is it working?
JOEY: (to Phoebe) So Im an astronaut, a fighter pilot, and a deli boy?
RACH: (looks at them strangely) Guess not.
PHOE: (nods enthusiastically) Yes! Yes! But thats in another life. In this lifetime, youre an .exotic male ballerina. Yeah, yeah. (giddy)
(Joey has a confused look on his face)
ROSS: Uh, Phoeebs
(Phoebe looks at Ross with an excited, happy face)
ROSS: (recoils) Uhh keep up the good work.
RACH: I wonder whats taking Chandler and Mon so long.
PHOE: Ooh! Maybe theyre making out on the foosball table!
(They all look at Phoebe strangely and then laugh)
ROSS: (laughing and wheezing) Oh, thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard! I mean, my best friend, and my sister! Quick! I think Im gonna wet my pants!
RACH: Gross! Eeewww Ross!
ROSS: (stops laughing abruptly, as he thought of what he just said) Errr did I just say that? Ehhh no. hehe.
(turns his back and gets a soda out of the fridge. He looks at the soda, then puts it back quickly)
JOEY: (scratching his head) Whats a foosball?
(SCENE 8: CHANDLER & JOEYS APARTMENT: Chandler and Monica are making out on top of the foosball table. A bell rings.)
MNCA: (pushes Chandler off her) Whoa, lover boy. Its been fifteen minutes. Theyre going to get suspicious if we dont get back in there.
CHAN: (still trying to kiss Monica) Ummm come on, Mon. Dont be a party pooper. Five more minutes.
MNCA: We cant. My heavy duty cooking timer says its been fifteen minutes since you unbuttoned my blouse.
CHAN: (grumbles) Ok, ok. Do you have to time everything up to the last minute? (pause) Wait. Dont answer that. Of course you do.
MNCA: (kisses Chandler) Oh! You know me so well. I love you.
CHAN: (grinning) Really? Do you really mean that or are you just trying to get me off you?
MNCA: Of course not you doof. I really love you. (hugs him tight) Now come on. (hastily tries to get off the table) Errr .can you get me off this thing? (Chandler carries Monica in his arms) Thanks. Now how about letting my feet touch the floor?
CHAN: Hey! Youre supposed to be enjoy being in my manly arms.
MNCA: (snorts) Manly? (Chandler looks hurt) I-was-going-to-say-real-schwartzeneggy-macho. Really. (Chandler plants a kiss on her forehead and lets her down. They both race out the door)
(SCENE 9: MONICA & RACHELS APARTMENT. Chandler and Monica bursts through the door.)
RACH: Hey! Where were you guys? We thought youve decided to have a last minute summer cruise to Siberia. (points at Monicas blouse) Mon, youre buttons falling off.
MNCA: (hastily buttoning up her blouse) Yeah, thanks.(laughs uneasily) Its always coming off.
ROSS: (looks at Monica strangely) You always mend your shirts twice a week.
MNCA: Oh. Yeah. Well, I-I-uh-decided that to let gravity have its way. Just for kicks.
CHAN: Yeah. (laughs really hard) Uh. (stops laughing) Yeah.
PHOE: What is wrong with you, Chandler? Youre acting really weirder than usual.
CHAN: Moi? Why why w-would you think that?
PHOE: Not you. (points to her belly) Little would-be Chandler. Hes really kicking in here.
(Chandler breathes a loud sigh of relief. Monica stares at him pointedly. He cups his mouth hastily.)
ROSS: Well, Id better be going. I have to do some more work in the museum. (goes to the door and opens it. He finds Kathy standing outside, looking forlorn.) Uuuhhhh
CHAN: (looks at the door) Kathy!
(The gang is in shock. Especially Monica.)
JOEY: (ready to flirt) Hey, how (Phoebe covers his mouth hurriedly.)
KATHY: Chandler! Hey ummm could I speak to you for a sec? Its very important.
(Ross, Rachel and Phoebe look at Chandler happily, still thinking that Chandler loves Kathy. Monica is stunned,
staring at Chandler helplessly.)
(SCENE 10: CHANDLER & JOEYS APARTMENT. Joey is wearing tights and is jumping up and down, trying to dance ballet. Phoebe is sitting at one of the recliners, watching happily.)
PHOE: Good, good! Oh, Im so proud of you.
JOEY: Awww mom! (they hug) Im gonna do you another number. (bashful)I made it myself. (Starts to twirl around the room, then lands his head on the foosball table.) OWWW! (bawling like a baby)
PHOE: Oh! Oh! (starts to get up from the recliner but cant because of her tummy.) Joey, are you ok?
JOEY: (rubbing his head.) Y-Yeah. I think.
PHOE: (starts crying as she hugs Joey tight) Oh, my son! My baby! I thought you were going to leave me. (Joey looks at her strangely)
JOEY: Uh, Phoeebs. Have you got insommia? You know, the one where you forget stuff?
PHOE: You mean amnesia.
JOEY: Right. (smacks his head) I keep forgetting.
*AUTHORS NOTE: DONT WORRY GUYS. IM NOT GONNA MAKE THIS ANOTHER ROSS-RACHEL-CHLOE/BONNIE/EMILY SCENARIO. ITS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLOT. I JUST WANTED TO END THIS SCRIPT WITH A CLIFFHANGER.