Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)
Ross: What the hell am I sitting on?
Phoebe: Your ass.
Ross: Theres a friggin tack stuck in the couch and its poking my ass!
Chandler: Welcome to the Gay World.
Monica: You would know. The apple doesnt fall too far from the tree.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Chandler (to Ross): So have you spoken to Gunther since the wedding?
Ross: No. We agree not to acknowledge one anothers presence. Gunther? Gunther? See, he completely ignores me.
Monica: Much like the rest of the population.
Phoebe: And Monicas back.
Monica: I figured it was time to rebound.
Chandler: Wherere Joey and Rachel?
Ross: Rach went to work.
Phoebe: Isnt it Saturday?
Ross: Yeah but she said she had a lot of work to do. She wanted to catch up.
Phoebe: She probably wanted to be alone with Brad.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: I didnt say anything.
Monica: Wheres Joey?
Phoebe: Hes been holed up in my, I mean his, apartment watching porn on the big screen.
Chandler: How do you know?
Phoebe: Cause I was over there watching it with him this morning.
Ross: I think Im going to Joeys.
Chandler: Wait, Ill join you. (Monica glares at Chandler) I guess youre going alone.
Phoebe: Its a good thing Rachels at work with Brad or you wouldnt be watching porn Ross.
Ross: Rachel doesnt mind me watching porn Phoebe. In fact we watch it together. And for your information, Rachel doesnt work with Brad anymore.
Phoebe: Whatever. Oh and I forgot about those home movies you two made. Youre quite the stud Ross. (Ross is embarrassed and about to kill Phoebe) Dont feel bad Ross, youre a much better performer than Chandler.
Chandler: Hey! Howd you see those tapes?!
Monica: Girls night in.
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Her new assistant walks in)
Rachel: Whats up Brad?
Brad: I got those reports you wanted from storage. Do you need anything else?
Rachel: Yeah, if you could go get me a cup of coffee, that would be great.
Brad: Ok, Ill be back in a jiffy.
(The phone rings)
Rachel: Hello?
Ross (on the phone from Joeys): Hey honey, its me. When are you coming home?
Rachel: In a couple of hours.
Ross: Cant you come home sooner?
Rachel: No. Whatre you doing?
Ross: Im hanging out with Joey. (to Joey) Say hi Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Why are there moans and groans in the background?
Ross: I dont hear any moans.
Rachel: Are you watching porn?
Ross: Yeah. You should see it on the big screen TV, its so life like.
Rachel: At least I know why you want me to come home. (Brad re-enters)
Brad: Heres your coffee.
Rachel: Thanks.
Ross: Whos there with you?
Rachel: Just my assistant.
Ross: I thought your assistant was Maggie. Does Maggie have a chest cold or something, she sounds like a man.
Rachel: I fired Maggie and got a new assistant.
Ross: A man?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Whats his name?
Rachel: Michael.
Ross: Ok. Look, come home soon, Ive got something to show you.
Rachel: I bet.
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: I love you too sweetie. Bye. (Rachel hangs up the phone)
Brad: Whyd you call me Michael?
Rachel: Because Ross would kill the both of us if he found out I hired you. Now go get me something to eat, Im starving.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are watching porn)
Joey: This is the way it should be all the time. They should have an all-porn channel.
Ross: They do, its the Spice channel.
Joey: And youre just telling me this now!
Ross: Well as much fun as Im having watching porn and drinking beer, Im gonna go surprise Rach at work.
Joey: Let me get this straight, you have time alone to do what you want and instead of watching pornos with me, youre gonna go surprise your wife at her office?
Ross: Pretty much.
Joey: You need to get a life.
Ross: Did you know the girls saw the home porn tapes that Chandler and I made with our wives.
Joey: Yeah, I saw them too. You were way better than Chandler. Oh and you should really shave your ass.
Ross: You saw them too?! And hey, theres nothing wrong with my ass!
Joey: Yeah, it was girls night in.
Ross: Youre not a girl!
Joey: Yeah but it was my idea so they let me stay.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)
Phoebe: So youre really feeling better?
Monica: Yeah, I havent cried in three days.
Phoebe: Thats good. Good for you.
Monica: So do you still have feelings for Joey?
Phoebe: Huh?
Monica: Are you over Joey?
Phoebe: No, I was mostly under him.
Monica: Thats not what I meant.
Phoebe: Im getting by. Its best that were just friends. Friends who have hot sex together.
Monica: You guys are still sleeping together?!
Phoebe: No!
Monica: But you said friends who have hot sex together.
Phoebe: No, no. He gave me a copy of the home video we made. I watch it over and over again.
Monica: My god, were all turning into porn addicts!
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Ross walks in)
Ross: Surprise!
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: I came to say hi.
Rachel: Look, I really appreciate you coming down here, but I have a lot of work to do. Could you just go do something else?
Ross (hurt): Well excuse me for wanting to hang out with the woman I love.
Rachel: I dont mean to be mean Ross, its just that I have a lot of work to do. I fell so far behind when I took those days off to be with Mon, I just really need to catch up.
Ross: Cant I just take a nap here on your floor?
Rachel: No, because then Ill wanna lie down next to you and the next thing you know well be getting all hot and heavy.
Ross: And thats bad?
Rachel: It is when I have a lot of work to do. Look, Ill make it up to you tonight, I promise.
Ross: Princess Leia?
Rachel: No, we already made that video.
Ross: Cops and Robbers?
Rachel: We did that one too.
(Brad enters)
Brad: Rach, Im all finished .oh sorry, I didnt know you had company.
Ross: Whats he doing here?
Rachel: Hes my new assistant.
Ross: I thought Michael was your new assistant.
Rachel: He is, thats Brads twin brother.
Brad: You must be Ross, Im Michael.
Ross: Michael, if you could excuse us, I have to talk to Rachel for a minute.
Brad: Im outta here anyway, see ya Mrs. Geller.
Rachel: Bye Brad, I mean Michael. (to Ross) I still get those two confused. Were gonna have a big fight arent we?
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch when Chandler walks in)
Chandler: Guess what I found?
Monica: Your penis?
Chandler: Ok, I liked you much better when you were depressed.
Monica: You are so mean!
Chandler: Im sorry, that was mean. No, I found Phoebe and Joeys homemade video.
Monica: Whered you get it?
Chandler: I was in Joeys, ah Phoebes apartment and I found it.
Monica: You broke into Phoebes place, whats wrong with you?
Chandler: I didnt break in, I still have my key.
Monica: Oh. Where was the tape?
Chandler: In Phoebes underwear drawer.
Monica: You went rooting through her stuff?
Chandler: Do you wanna watch the tape or not?
Monica: Put it in.
VICTORIAS SECRET (Continued from before)
Ross: Well I guess I better go. Ill see you at home.
Rachel: Are you mad?
Ross: Furious is a more appropriate word, but Im not gonna fight with you at your place of business. (Ross leaves)
Rachel (to herself): Great, how am I gonna tell him now?
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Chandler: Wow, Phoebe really is stacked. (notices Monica is staring at him) But not as stacked as you. And besides, hers are fake.
Monica: We should shut this off, this isnt right. We shouldnt be watching our friends have sex.
Chandler: You showed Joey, Phoebe and Rachel our tapes!
Monica: Still.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: What you guys watching? Oh my God, thats Ursula and Joey. When did Joey become a porn star?
Monica: You might wanna look a little closer.
Phoebe: Oh my God, thats me! Wow, I really am stacked.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey, thats me and Phoebe, I have been looking for that.
Phoebe: I thought you said you made a copy.
Joey: I did, but I watched it so much I burned up the tape.
Chandler: You guys owe it to porn to continue making videos.
Monica: You both are quite talented. You make our and Ross and Rachels videos look amateurish.
Phoebe (to Joey): See, I told you it would pay to have my sisters director shoot our home video.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is talking with Carol and Susan)
Carol: Are you sure you dont mind watching Ben this weekend?
Ross: No not at all. I am the boys father after all.
Susan: And a good one at that. (notices Ross is blankly staring at her) Im not always a bitch you know. Ive gotta go, Ill see you at home Carol. See ya Ross.
Ross: Susan.
Carol: Come on Ross, its been seven years since Susan and I got together, why do you still act all weird around her?
Ross: Because she converted my ex-wife to lesbianism? Anyway, it looks like Rachel and I are about to have our first major fight as a married couple.
Carol: What happened?
Ross: Do you remember Brad from her old job at Ralph Lauren?
Carol: The one that she kissed?
Ross: Thatd be the one.
Carol: So?
Ross: She hired him to be her personal assistant.
Carol: And thats bad because?
Ross: She hired him and lied to me about it. She told me she hired a guy named Michael. Instead she hired Brad and then to make matters worse, she introduced Brad as Michael, saying it was Brads twin brother.
Carol: So?
Ross: What do you mean so? My wife lied to me.
Carol: Yeah. Youve become much more astute about that since we broke up, I lied to you all the time when I was seeing Susan on the side.
Ross: Whyd you bring that up? (pause) If she starts lying to me after only two months of marriage, were not gonna stay married for long.
Carol: Maybe she was trying to help Brad out.
Ross: Dont you have somewhere to be?
Carol: Come on Ross, youre Rachels world. She loves you more than anything. Shes not gonna risk her marriage over something like this.
Ross: I hope youre right.
(Rachel enters)
Carol (hugging Ross): I do too. I love you.
Ross: I love you too Carol. Thanks.
Rachel: You better not love her as much as you love me.
Carol: Hey Rach, I was just leaving. So youve got Ben this weekend?
Ross: Yeah. Ill see you Friday night.
(Carol leaves)
Rachel: We have Ben this weekend? Why didnt you tell me?
Ross: Cause apparently we dont have to tell each other everything.
Rachel: Ok, I deserved that. Look, about before .
Ross: I really dont feel like talking right now. Im gonna go take a nap.
Rachel: Ok. I love you Ross.
Ross: Uh huh.
Rachel (to herself): This is gonna be a long night.
(Time Lapse: An hour later. Rachel has made dinner for Ross and is waiting for him at the table. Ross emerges from the bedroom)
Ross: You must really think that youre in trouble.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: You actually made dinner. It looks good, whatever it is.
Rachel: Its chicken casserole without the chicken. We didnt have any chicken. Ah, are you still mad at me?
Ross: Yeah, Im still mad.
Rachel: Do you wanna talk about it?
Ross: No, theres nothing to say.
Rachel: So youre cool with Brad being my assistant?
Ross: No, Im not cool with it.
Rachel: Then we should talk about it.
Ross: Why? Youre just gonna keep lying to me.
Rachel: Yes, I lied to you. Im sorry, it wont happen again.
Ross: Whatever.
Rachel: Dont you wanna know why I hired Brad?
Ross: Not particularly.
Rachel: He needed help. He needed a job.
Ross: Well his knight in shining armor definitely came to the rescue now didnt she?
Rachel: Yes I did. It was the least I could do. You know I interviewed ten people for my assistant job and he was the most qualified.
Ross: What, did your interview questions include who was the best kisser?
Rachel: @@#$ you Ross!
Ross: I really dont feel like having sex right now. I dont perform well when Im angry.
Rachel: Thats not what I meant!
Ross: I know what you meant. @#$% you too.
Rachel: Are you trying to piss me off, because youre succeeding.
Ross: Hey, youre the one who didnt even have the decency to tell me that you hired Brad as your assistant. You went behind my back because you assumed I would be mad.
Rachel: Youre mad arent you?
Ross: What do you think? You didnt once think that I might be ok with it?
Rachel: Why would you be ok with it? I did kiss the guy or have you forgotten about that?
Ross: Then why did you hire him?
Rachel: I told you, he needed a job and he was the most qualified.
Ross: Fine. You helped someone in their time of need, I can appreciate that. But I dont appreciate being lied to. Thats not what marriage is supposed to be about.
Rachel: Youd know, this is your fourth marriage.
Ross: Damn it Rachel, Im trying to tell you that you dont have to lie to me! Im in this for the long haul and Ill stand by you in whatever decision you make.
Rachel: Oh, I didnt look at it like that. Thats so sweet. Im sorry. (goes to hug Ross who pushes her away)
Ross: If youre gonna lie to me about things when you think Im gonna get mad or upset, then we might as well end this marriage now before we have children.
Rachel: Its kinda late for that.
Ross: Pardon me?
Rachel: Im pregnant.
Ross: Run that by me again.
Rachel: Ive been meaning to tell you all day, but the time has never been right. But the truth is, Im pregnant. Im two weeks along.
Ross: Let me get this straight, youre pregnant, Im gonna be a father again and you pick this time, when we are fighting, to tell me that youre pregnant?
Rachel: I guess so.
(long pause)
Ross: What were we fighting about?
Rachel: We were fighting .
Ross: I know. I dont believe this, Im gonna be a Daddy again! Youre gonna quit lying to me?
Rachel: Yes. It wont, well it probably wont, happen again.
Ross: And youre gonna fire Brad?
Rachel: Dont push youre luck. But hey, Ill have him reassigned within the company. He really sucks as an assistant.
Ross: Come here. (takes Rachel in his arms) I love you.
Rachel: I love you too. (pause) Now about that video we were gonna make tonight .
Ross: Yeah, I guess we cant.
Rachel: Like hell, Ive already set up the camera!
Closing Credits
JOEYS (PHOEBES) APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present. They are all watching porn on the big screen TV)
Monica: I think our videos are better than this crap.
Chandler: I agree.
Joey: Whatre you talking about? This is classic porn. This movie is a porn classic. They dont make them like this anymore.
Phoebe: Thats because half the people are dead from drug overdoses and the other half retired with sexually transmitted diseases.
Joey: Youre ruining my movie! And how do you know that stuff?
Phoebe: I read a book about it.
Chandler: Whats the book called?
Phoebe: The World of Porn: Men Are From Mars and Women If Youre Not Careful, Theyll Stick It Up Uranus.
End