Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

MONICA: (biting her lip in the dark.) Chandler wake up.

CHANDLER: Uh?

MONICA: Wake up.

CHANDLER: (still asleep -clearly dreaming) I'm just about to bomb the bastards can it wait a minute Mon?

MONICA: They're coming.

CHANDLER: I know, just over the horizon - you take control and I'll man the gun.

MONICA: (smiling) Chandler - you're American - you're more likely to shoot down your own side so I think you can drag yourself away. I need you awake.

CHANDLER: (stirring a little) Not tonight honey. I got a busy day tomorrow.

MONICA: CHANDLER! The babies are coming. Oh dear God!

CHANDLER: (eyes open now) The babies are coming now? But you're not booked in for another two weeks. Are you sure?

MONICA: They don't have a diary in there - they come when they want to come.

CHANDLER: Have your waters gone?

MONICA: Yeah! - I don't sweat that much!

……..

ROSS: Are you sure Rach? Now?

RACHEL: Of course I'm sure. I don't want to give birth with blue nail varnish on my toes.

ROSS: No I mean are you sure you're in labor?

ROSS: I'll take that as a yes. Rachel breathe, breathe, breathe…

RACHEL: I know to breathe Ross. How dumb do you think I am? Why don't you go and rip up some sheets or something?

ROSS: What for?

RACHEL: So I can use them as a gag to get you to shut the hell up.

ROSS: Mornings and labor - really not your thing are they? OK OK I'll go call Chandler. Then we can do the nail polish.

…….

CHANDLER: Ross is engaged.

MONICA: Who can he be talking to at this time of night?

CHANDLER: He's probably on the Internet what with Rachel being so big…

MONICA: Ross doesn't look at porn.

CHANDLER: Just because he's your brother it doesn't mean he doesn't look at porn.

MONICA: No seriously I think he got into some fanfiction site. He told me he posted his story on dinosaurs on some Jurassic site and someone put up a review saying it was good but could he put more romance into it next time…Some fan obsessed with Sam Neil.

CHANDLER: Not a happy man?

MONICA: No he's been blacklisted for using obscene language back at the reviewer.

CHANDLER: Oh honey I don't think we can wait for the others we gotta go now. I'll try his mobile on the way to the hospital.

………

ROSS: I can't believe it - his mobile is busy too. Don't tell me he is trying to access the porn sites on that as well. I think we've got to go. Do you want me to be there with you?

RACHEL: Well I'm planning on missing it if I can.

ROSS: Sorry Rach - at this point it's not an optional thing.

CAB DRIVER: She's in labor isn't she? Have her waters gone yet?

ROSS: No.

CAB DRIVER: Well I'm not taking her - I already cleared up from one drunk tonight.

RACHEL: Listen here mister. "She" is in labor. "She" is not deaf and if you don't take "her" to the hospital she will get her boyfriend to pee all over your cab.

ROSS: Rach I don't think (looks at Rachel) OK if peeing is what it takes…

CAB DRIVER: Oh get in - just sit on a bucket or something.

…….

ROSS: So are you waiting for a delivery room?

FAT WOMAN: (disgusted) I'm here with my sister - I'm not pregnant.

ROSS: (embarrassed) Oh. (smiles at the woman on the other side of him) Hi

SECOND WOMAN: Hi - So is this your first?

ROSS: Oh no I have a son who lives with his mother and her wife. But we are on the best of terms.

SECOND WOMAN: So glad to hear it. So are you looking forward to being a father again?

ROSS: No. It's complicated. My girlfriend is not having my baby. It's my best friend's and my sister's… but its not like it sounds - it was all a big, big mistake.

SECOND WOMAN: I don't think I quite follow….

ROSS: Well actually my friend, Chandler, he will be the father to seven children by the end of tonight.

SECOND WOMAN: Seven!

ROSS: Yeah seven seems to be his lucky number. There are another 11 children which should be born in the next few weeks. But don't tell him because he doesn't know about them. We had to make him forget because he totally freaked out…

SECOND WOMAN: No don't explain - I really don't think I want to know. I mean if I wanted to hear about that sort of stuff I would watch Jerry Springer - ya know… I really think I need to go and… see if… if… it is still dark outside.

MAN SITTING OPPOSITE: So what is this friend Chandler on - is he famous or something?

……………

CHANDLER: You want me to stay here whilst you cut her open and… no, no, no, no, no. That's a bit more of Monica than I want to see.

DOCTOR: Look the anesthetist has managed to set up the epidural successfully so you can hold your wife's hand and keep her company whilst we get the babies out.

MONICA: Chandler - I want you here.

CHANDLER: You'll be awake?

MONICA: Well it'll be nice to be awake for the birth even if I wasn't for the conception… Joke honey - I was joking.

CHANDLER: There are some things you should never joke about!

MONICA: You'll stay with me won't you Chandler? I couldn't manage this without you.

CHANDLER: Can I keep my eyes closed?

……………..

DOCTOR: Well done - all over now we just need to stitch up. You've done really well.

MONICA: Yeah well done Chandler. You even managed to open your eyes and you only had to sit down once.

CHANDLER: (crying) Oh my God! Have you seen them - they are so tiny and perfect. I can't believe they all lived inside you.

DOCTOR (smiling): You're very lucky. They are an incredibly good weight for quintuplets. Only one of them is under 4 pounds. There shouldn't be any problems. A few days in special care to be on the safe side.

CHANDLER: That was amazing... It really didn't hurt?

NURSE: Is Chandler Bing here?

CHANDLER: Yeah - me I think (wiping his eyes quickly).

NURSE: Well you're about to become a father - we need you next door.

MONICA: Rachel is here?

CHANDLER: Rachel is giving birth too - I don't think I can…Shouldn't Ross be with her it doesn't seem right…

NURSE: You're in the notes as the father. Is this "Ross" the father - he said not?

CHANDLER: No I'm the father but I don't think you understand. She and I are not a couple.

NURSE: Look I don't care what has happened between you. She needs some support right now. A woman needs the father of the child at such a time. Now is not the time to start shirking…

CHANDLER: Look you don't understand…

NURSE: No you look. You've told me you're the father. Do you care about her at all?

CHANDLER: Of course I care about her.

NURSE: Well that's all I need to know. I'm not a relationship counselor I just know that a woman is about to give birth to your children. She has no option but be present. I think you should have the decency to do what you can to help.

CHANDLER: But Rachel will not want me there I'm sure…

NURSE: Of course she will. Come on. Believe me you will hate yourself if you're not there and we need the help.

CHANDLER: Yeah but Rachel might hate me if I am.

CHANDLER: (makes a disgusted Chandler noise) Oh sweet Jesus. Where the hell is Ross? Would you mind if I went to throw up first?

DOCTOR: No time - we need help in here with all the nurses attending to the quintuplets. It would have helped if we didn't have to cope with quins and twins on the same night. Hold her leg.

CHANDLER: Why is it going to fall off? (gingerly holds the top of Rachel's thigh).

DOCTOR: She just needs something to push against. A wall could do your job.

CHANDLER: In that case I have a friend who…

RACHEL: (released from the contraction she notices Chandler) Oh dear God … what the hell are you doing here…?

CHANDLER: Break down in communication that they won't let me put right.

CHANDLER: (makes a face) Rach - I think this is where we get to know each other a little better than you had planned. At least the whole "boobies" incident will pale into insignificance after this. I promise you can get revenge by being there next time I give birth…

RACHEL: (panting) Where's Mon?

CHANDLER: She's done. The section went well, quite civilized. None of this grunting and shoving…

RACHEL: All OK?

CHANDLER: Yep

RACHEL: I hate to ask you this Chandler … can you hold my leg much lower down - not much use you holding my thigh really.

CHANDLER: Better?

RACHEL: Yeah I think you're getting the hang of this. I must look such a mess.

CHANDLER: Can't really tell from this end - and I'm trying not to look. But green is not really your color is it? Despite your name.

RACHEL: You look pretty bizarre yourself.

CHANDLER: Well I never thought I would be stood here holding your foot whilst you - ya know.

RACHEL: Chandler?

CHANDLER (when she finishes): Yeah?

RACHEL: Despite everything - it's good to have a friend here.

CHANDLER: Thanks. (He smiles - then looks at the foot he is holding) By the way - did you let Ben do the nail varnish on your toes?

RACHEL: God are they not coming yet?

CHANDLER: Are you asking me to look ya know - down there?

RACHEL: Next time I push - can you just have a quick peek for me?

CHANDLER: Next time - right next time. OK - I suppose I can do that. What am I looking for?

RACHEL: A head Chandler - a head and despite it being your child - a human head. Though if something else wants to put in an appearance I could do with being warned.

DOCTOR: No that's just part of her. How the hell did you ever get her pregnant?

CHANDLER: Test tube in your special suite.

DOCTOR: What? You mean…?

DOCTOR: OK. Can we stop talking and concentrate? Nurse is there a pediatrician free yet? I think we are going to have to use the forceps - go and get them and the stirrups ready.

CHANDLER: You hear that Rachel we're going riding.

……..

MONICA: Rachel OK?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah - I'm becoming a real professional at this supporting role bit. How many men can say they have been there to support two women give birth to seven babies by two different methods in one day?

MONICA: And the babies?

CHANDLER: Two girls - five pounds and a bit each. They're gorgeous Mon - blue eyes and dark hair. They have gone to Special Care with the others as a precaution. The nurse said she would help me put you in a chair so that I can wheel you round there.

MONICA: So they really are all OK? We have 7 healthy children?

CHANDLER: Yep. (sits down next to her and strokes her hair then reaches into his pocket) Here - I got you something - a present to celebrate...

MONICA: Chandler it's an eternity ring? It's beautiful. I don't know what to say - my mom will be green when she sees it.

CHANDLER: See it matches your engagement ring. Can I put it on?

MONICA: Chandler - this is too generous - I can't believe you did this. How could you afford it?

CHANDLER: Well you know that compensation I got from the hospital for not being able to make love to you? Well I thought I would use it to make love to you in other ways.

MONICA: You are so sweet.

CHANDLER: Are you happy?

Monica bursts into tears - Chandler puts his arms around her

CHANDLER: That happy huh?

…….

PHOEBE: So how did it go?

RACHEL: Not too bad. One of the babies had the cord wrapped round its neck so they had to pause things and cut further in the episiotomy than normal and use forceps. I had stitches…

JOEY: (interrupting her flow) Yeah I think a general "OK" or "Not too bad" was more what we were looking for. Monica?

MONICA: Bit groggy and very sore but the section went fine. Do you want to see the wound? I can peel the dressing off.

JOEY: Oh God no - Not even a little bit.

PHOEBE: So can we see them?

MONICA: Down the corridor. You can look through the glass. I think Chandler is there.

PHOEBE: No the stitches - Can we see them? Just to compare notes - ya know from when I had the triplets.

JOEY: That's it. I gotta go.

PHOEBE: Come on Joey. It must be you next. You are the only one of us not to get involved in this parent thing.

JOEY: I figured I would keep well out of if for a while longer. I mean I'm on for fathering four children right?

ROSS: So how do you figure that one?

JOEY: Well you Ross had Ben - one child. Rachel had twins, Phoebe triplets and Monica had…. five babies. That means I must be on for the missing four babies.

PHOEBE: But Chandler has had seven so you maybe OK and have six. So is Chandler OK?

MONICA: A bit emotional and his face is pretty soggy, but he's holding out.

RACHEL: And he has managed not to drop anyone yet.

JOEY: So which are yours pal?

CHANDLER (very wet eyed): Well all seven are. The bigger two are the ones Rachel had.

JOEY: (confused - counts again) Yeah but there's 8 babies in there.

PHOEBE: I'm guessing that the little black one is no relation.

JOEY: Oh yeah - right. So what are they?

PHOEBE: Babies - tiny little people.

JOEY: So were you there Ross?

ROSS: As soon as the Doctors knew I wasn't the father they threw me out and insisted that Chandler came in. So I had to sit in the waiting room in silence because once I had gone through the obvious conversation with anyone else there they all sat further away from me or made excuses to leave.

JOEY: So buddy you were there for all the births?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah - I have seen parts of Rachel and Monica that I never expected to see. After Rachel's babies were born I tried to exit but they gave me a baby to hold whilst they kept her legs up in stirrups and this guy started doing cross stitch in her undercarriage.

ROSS: Eewww - poor Rach. I mean it must be bad enough giving birth without having Chandler… I mean no offence pal… but you are not the calmest person to have around at a moment of crises.

CHANDLER: Why is it when people say "no offence" they actually mean "I know I have just been offensive but you're not allowed to complain about it". Well for your information we got on OK Rach and I - after we both got over the shock of me being there at all.

JOEY: So what did you have? How many boys and how many girls?

CHANDLER: Four girls and three boys.

ROSS: (getting tearful) They have their own little ready made gang.

JOEY: (welling up) Do you think they will all pair up like you guys?

ROSS: Joey - they're brothers and sisters to each other. That would be going one step too far even by our standards which, judging by the gossip the four of us have created in this hospital, is pretty low.

PHOEBE: He's right I think the National Enquirer wants your story Chandler. Chandler?

CHANDLER: (explaining to the bemused couple) Hormones.

WOMAN TO THE MAN: It's not fair there's a woman here who got to have five babies and I don't even have one.

MAN: You'll get one.

WOMAN: When? I don't even have a boyfriend.

MAN: I'll tell you what. When we're forty - if we're both not married why don't you and I get together?

WOMAN: Why won't I be married when I'm forty….?

JOEY: What - what's so funny?

CHANDLER: Oh déjà vu. Someone up there is reminding me how lucky I am.

…………