Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)
Phoebe: (to Joey): So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?
Joey: Its kinda hard when you cant find the person.
Phoebe: Did you check at the office?
Chandler: Wouldnt do him any good.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: She quit.
Rachel: Did she say where she was going?
Chandler: She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.
Rachel: There you go Joey, go to Florida.
Joey: Nah, Ill just buy new stuff.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: Oh my God, shes having an orgasm right in front of us!
Rachel: Whats wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe: Nothing. Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.
Joey: Fine by me.
Ross: Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?
Chandler: 10:30. Why?
Rachel: Its 10:45.
Chandler: So? (pause) Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife! (Chandler runs out of the apartment)
Ross: Monicas gonna kill him.
Rachel: Relax, its only 9:45.
Phoebe: (to Rachel): You are evil incarnate.
Opening Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner. Everyone else is sitting around)
Phoebe: You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out. We should do that again.
Joey: That would be funny.
Ross: But highly inappropriate.
Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.
Rachel: Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!
Joey: You need help?
Rachel: You think?
Ross: Let me do that sweetie. (takes the banner from Rachel)
Joey: Oh look, Weekend at Bernies is on.
(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)
Rachel: I love this movie!
Ross: Ah, Rach, could you help me please?
Rachel: Go help Ross Joey.
Joey: Why do I have to help him? Hes your husband.
Rachel: Because I said so.
Joey: That might work on Ross but its not working on me.
Rachel: You do it now, or Ill spill the beans about your secret fetish.
Joey: Thatll work. (Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)
Ross: (to Joey): Whats this fetish?
Joey: I dunno, but I dont want Rach telling everyone.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)
Chandler: (entering Monicas room): Hey sweetie! How you doing?
Monica: Ok I guess.
Chandler: Whats wrong?
Monica: Nothing. (pause) I guess Im just nervous to go back home.
Chandler: How come?
Monica: Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.
Chandler: Everythings gonna be ok Mon. Everyones really excited to see you.
Monica: (breaking down to tears): You dont get it do you!
Chandler: What dont I get?
Monica: I lost our baby. Everyones gonna think Im a failure!
Chandler: Honey, honey, look at me. Mon, look at me. No one thinks youre a failure. Everyone understands that what happened was not your fault. Everyone is behind you 100%. Theyre just happy that youre ok and youre coming home.
Monica: Then why do I feel like a failure?
Chandler: Honestly?
Monica: No, lie to me. Its what you do best.
Chandler: I dont know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.
Monica: What the hell are you talking about?
Chandler: All Im saying is that its natural to feel like you failed. But Mon, youre not a failure. This couldve happened to anyone. It couldve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.
Monica: But it didnt. It happened to me.
Chandler: Yes, it happened to you. It happened to us. But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.
Monica: But what if this happens again?
Chandler: Well what if it doesnt? Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.
Monica: (laughing): Ok, its time to go, youre starting to get corny on me.
Chandler: Are you gonna be ok?
Monica: Probably. Thanks for being there for me.
Chandler: Like the minister said, in sickness and in health.
Monica: You were paying attention!
Chandler: Yeah, but dont tell anyone.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)
Ross: Where are they? They shouldve been here by now.
Rachel: The movies almost over. Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.
Ross: Rachel! Thats your sister-in-law whos coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie youve seen 50 times!
Rachel: Shut up Ross, theyre not here yet and the best part is coming up.
Joey: How did that actor play dead for the whole film?
Phoebe: He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.
Joey: And they say Im not a good actor.
Ross: No, just a dumb one.
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Chandler: Hey guys, look whos home!
Everyone: Monica!
Monica: Hey. Thanks for being here. It means a lot to me, to us.
Joey: Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernies is on.
Monica: Oh Im sorry Rach, we shouldve waited in the hall until it was over.
Rachel: Dont be silly, Ive seen the movie 50 times.
Ross: Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movies over.
Rachel: Youre not Monica. So Mon, how are you doing?
Monica: Ive been better, but Im ok.
Phoebe: We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldnt let us.
Chandler: Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.
Monica: Although it wouldve been pretty funny.
Phoebe: Thats what Joey and I thought. But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.
Ross: It wouldve been inappropriate!
Joey: Man, I havent heard you use that voice since the we were on a break era.
Rachel: Eh, I hear that voice all the time. You should come over more often Joey.
Ross: Im going home!
Rachel: Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, were just kidding.
Ross: (sitting down): We were on a break you know.
Rachel: Thats it, no more baby making for you. (Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica) Oh Mon, Im so sorry. I didnt mean to bring that up.
Monica: Its ok. Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby. I really hope you guys get your wish. I dont mean to be a downer, but Im really tired and need a nap. Im gonna go lay down. Ill see you guys later.
Joey: Pheebs, we should get shopping.
Phoebe: You buying lunch? (Joey shakes his head no) Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.
Ross: Are you ready Rach?
Rachel: Yeah. Are we supposed to be doing something together?
Ross: We were gonna go to library remember?
Rachel: Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.
Chandler: See you guys.
(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)
Monica: Youre not supposed to see me like this!
Chandler: Oh, I didnt realize you were naked.
Monica: Thats not what I meant!
Chandler: I was just trying to be funny. Mon, its gonna be ok. Rachel just slipped.
Monica: Its not that. I know she didnt mean anything by it.
Chandler: Then why are you crying?
Monica: I lost our baby you idiot!
Chandler: Come here. (takes Monica in his arms) Its gonna be ok eventually, I promise.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present. Rachel is bored to tears)
Rachel: Are you almost done?
Ross: No.
Rachel: How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?
Ross: Dont rush me.
Rachel: Heres one, read this.
Ross: Thats a Barney book.
Rachel: Well its about a dinosaur and its aimed at your education level.
Ross: Why dont you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something. Youre driving me nuts.
Rachel: Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes youre not gonna have nuts to drive.
MELOS PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)
Phoebe: How you doin?
Joey: Not bad, how you doin?
Phoebe: I could use some Joey love.
Joey: I thought we werent doing that anymore.
Phoebe: Were not.
Joey: Then why .
Phoebe: I could yearn for Joey love, thats not against the rules.
Joey: I could fill your yearn.
Phoebe: Thats not all you could fill. (pause) We havent even gone shopping yet. Were supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.
Joey: Sorry, I was hungry.
Phoebe: You do realize its only 11 am.
Joey: Yeah. I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.
Phoebe: Dont you mean we?
Joey: No. I have to go to the set. Youre on your own.
Phoebe: So youre saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?
Joey: Whos Carte Blanche? Is she hot?
Phoebe: No Joey she's ugly as hell. Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?
Joey: Sure, just dont make it all girly and stuff. I gotta go. See ya later. Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)
Phoebe: Thats against the rules Tribbiani!
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)
Ross: (VO): She better not have left me here. Where is she? Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out. Wait a minute, I have to find Rach. (sees Rachel at a table. Shes fallen asleep) Rach, Rach, wake up!
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: You fell asleep.
Rachel: Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Does this look familiar? (holds up a bunch of binder paper)
Ross: What is that?
Rachel: Its the letter I wrote you at the beach house. I cant believe you kept it.
Ross: (defensive): Where did you find that?
Rachel: I found it this morning while you were in the shower. I was trying to make some room in your desk. I cant believe you kept it.
Ross: Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldnt sleep. Can we go now?
Rachel: Very funny. Why are you acting all weird?
Ross: Im not acting weird. Im just ready to go.
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Whats bothering you?
Ross: Nothing. Can we go?
Rachel: No. We cant. Not until you tell me whats bothering you?
Ross: Did you find anything else in that drawer?
Rachel: No. Just this.
Ross: Ok. Can we go?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Come on. Im fine.
Rachel: Why are you turning all red?
Ross: Im not turning all red.
Rachel: You look like youre about to explode into Red Ross.
Ross: I just dont like people digging around in my stuff thats all.
Rachel: I didnt mean to find it, I just did. And hey were married now, whats yours is mine.
Ross: I dont go reading your diary.
Rachel: I dont have a diary for you to read. Whats the big deal? Its not like someone else wrote it.
Ross: Then why did you take it out?
Rachel: Because I was touched that you kept it. Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.
Ross: Youre not gonna write another long letter again are you?
Rachel: Why dont we just drop it then.
Ross: What is it?
Rachel: I wanna do it right here in the library.
Ross: Youre crazy. Well get caught.
Rachel: Follow me.
Ross: Oh baby ..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?
Rachel: Does it matter?
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set. He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: What the hell took you so long honey?
Joey: I kept forgetting my lines. Wow, this apartment looks great.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Joey: Wait a minute! This is all the stuff from your apartment!
Phoebe: I know! Doesnt it fit great!
Joey: You were supposed to buy new furniture.
Phoebe: I did. Its at my place.
Joey: You were supposed to buy it for me!
Phoebe: No, you said I had carte blanche.
Joey: For Christ Sakes! Who is Carte Blanche?!
Phoebe: You told me I could do what I want!
Joey: Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!
Phoebe: Oh well. Wanna have sex?
Joey: No. I wanna see your apartment. (Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters) I wanna see it now Buffay!
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone. Monica is asleep in their bedroom)
Chandler: I dont know Mom. (pause) I dont know what to do. She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless. (pause) I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder. (pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom. (Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, shes up, I gotta go. Ok, Ill talk to you later.
Monica: Who was that?
Chandler: It was your mom.
Monica: Since when did you start calling my mother mom?
Chandler: It was her idea. How are you?
Monica: Tired.
Chandler: Youve slept most the day. Are you sure youre not sleeping too much?
Monica: (snappy): Im just tired.
Chandler: Hey, Im just trying to help you!
Monica: (breaking down in tears again): Dont yell at me!
Chandler: (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes): Im sorry. I just dont know how to help.
Monica: Are you crying?
Chandler: Yes.
Monica: Youre doing better than you think you are.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)
Rachel: Would you hurry up!
Ross: It wont inflate! Maybe if you blow on it?
Rachel: This is not how this is supposed to happen!
Ross: Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!
(a Security Guard approaches)
Security Guard: What are you guys doing?
Rachel: He lost his contacts and were looking for them.
Security Guard: And thats why your panties are on the floor?
Rachel: He was doing some diving and they fell out.
Security Guard: (to Ross): Dont you work here at the University?
Ross: Yeah.
Security Guard: What department?
Ross: Paleontology.
Security Guard: Ah, that explains it. Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well Ill let you get back to your exploration. Oh, and make sure you use protection.
Ross: That was close.
Rachel: Not as close as I am. Hurry up!
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebes new furniture)
Joey: Man, you went all out. Look at how big that TV is! Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!
Phoebe: Not bad eh?
Joey: You know that Im living here now.
Phoebe: No youre not!
Joey: Yes I am.
Phoebe: Ah, no youre not.
Joey: You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself. Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.
Phoebe: With the chick and the duck?
Joey: Are you crazy? No way, the chick and the duck come with me.
Phoebe: Fine, but were not having sex anymore.
Joey: I thought we already established that rule.
Phoebe: Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.
Joey: I dont own any underwear.
Phoebe: You do now. I bought you some when I went shopping.
Joey: Boxers or briefs?
Phoebe: Boxers. We wouldnt want to kill innocent swimmers.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)
Monica: This is nice.
Chandler: Huh?
Monica: This. This, the cuddling, its nice.
Chandler: Definitely.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Monica: What are you doing here? Its 9 oclock.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.
Chandler: Why exactly?
Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine. So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joeys.
Monica: He obviously forgot that hes punishing us as well.
Phoebe: I see that your sense of humor is coming back. So how are you really doing?
Monica: Better thanks.
Chandler: Speaking of Joey, where is he?
Phoebe: I dunno. Why?
Chandler: Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Whats up guys?
Chandler: Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.
Rachel: (to Ross): How come we never do that?
Ross: Because youre always telling me to get away from you.
Rachel: Whatever. How are you Mon?
Monica: Better. Im definitely feeling better. Did you know Phoebes living across the hall at Joeys for the next month?
Rachel: Really? Why?
Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.
Rachel: Sounds like Joeys punishing Chandler and Monica too.
Phoebe: Geez, everyones a comedian around here.
(Joey enters with flowers)
Joey: Hey, sorry Im late.
Phoebe: Joey, you shouldnt have. (goes to take the flowers)
Joey: Dont worry, I didnt. (to Monica) These are for you.
Monica: Thanks Joey, thats sweet of you.
Joey: Dont thank me, thank Chandler.
Monica: You did this?
Chandler: Read the card.
Monica: To Monica, I love you more than life itself. Youll always be my baby. Love always, Chandler. Oh sweetie, thank you so much. I love you.
Chandler: I love you too.
Joey: Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.
Ross: Good idea. Bye Guys.
Rachel: Lunch tomorrow Mon?
Monica: Sure.
Phoebe: Can I come?
Rachel: Of course. Youre buying.
Phoebe: Sticking it to the millionaire again.
Chandler: See you guys later.
(Everyone goes to leave)
Joey: Hey for anyone whos interested, theres a porn marathon going on at my place. Porn on a big screen TV, you cant beat it.
Phoebe: I think well let you beat it in private Joey.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)
Rachel: Have you seen my underwear?
Ross: Not since this afternoon.
Rachel: Oh my God, Ive been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.
Ross: Sexy.
Rachel: And liberating. Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.
Ross: Good thing you werent wearing a skirt or a dress.
Rachel: Thats what makes it exciting. Imagine if I was?
Ross: The Lincoln Log just woke up.
Rachel: The wind blows and the log wakes up. Not that Im complaining. Now what should I wear to bed?
Ross: Nothing.
Rachel: Again?
Ross: Again.
(Rachel jumps into bed)
Rachel: My, thats definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.
Ross: And its ready to go into the flume.
End