Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: Has anyone seen my shoe?
Chandler: How did you lose your shoe?
Joey: I dunno. I came down here and I only had one shoe on. I figured I must have lost it. Did you steal my shoe?
Chandler: No, Robin Hood stole your shoe and gave it to the poor.
Joey: Some chick stole my shoe?
Rachel: If Joey weren't so damn lovable, his stupidity would frighten me to death.
Ross: When did you realize that you only had one shoe on?
Joey: When I sat down.
Monica: You didn't notice when you were walking?
Joey: No. I just figured I hurt myself.
Phoebe: Doing what?
Joey: If you have to ask, you don't know me very well.
Rachel: Oh I know, we could send out an ABP on Joey's shoe.
Monica: Yeah, I don't think the cops in this City have enough to do with all the murders and stuff.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Joey has left. Courteney enters)
Courteney: Hey guys.
All: Hi.
Courteney: Where's Joey?
Ross: He's looking for his other shoe.
Courteney: He lost it again?
Rachel: Again? This has happened before?
Courteney: Well not with his shoe, but yesterday he couldn't figure out where he put the condoms. I'm telling ya, it really ruined the moment.
Chandler: Joey missed his daily dose of sex! Quick, we have to get Joey to the hospital!
Monica: Speaking of Joey, here he comes now.
(Joey enters. He has found the other shoe)
Joey: Alright, no need to panic anymore, I found my other shoe.
Rachel: I didn't realize we were in panic mode.
Phoebe: Where did you find your shoe Joey?
Joey: It was next to the condoms that I couldn't find yesterday.
Chandler: (to Courteney) What kind of sick sex games do you guys play?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Ross are hanging out)
Ross: What do you guys wanna do?
Chandler: Pretty much this.
Joey: Yeah, I'm really tired from looking for my shoe. But hey, I finally found the condoms.
Chandler: Too bad Courteney went to her parents.
Ross: Yes, but knowing Joey, Rosie and her five sisters are available.
Joey: Hey, Im a one woman man now.
Ross: Ok, look. We have to do something.
Chandler: Ah, why?
Ross: Because it's Saturday.
Joey: And how is that different from any other day.
Ross: Well we don't have to work.
Chandler: An everyday occurrence for Joey.
Joey: Hey, I start work on Monday.
Chandler: Did they name your character yet?
Joey: Its down to two names.
Ross: What are they?
Joey: Dick Hertz or Seymour Butz. Personally I like Dick Hertz.
Chandler: I wonder why.
Joey: I got it.
Ross: Got what? VD again?
Joey: No. Lets get drunk.
Chandler: Sorry, Monica and I do that on Sundays.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ah, no.
Ross: Its 11 in the morning.
Joey: So? Its past noon somewhere.
Chandler: The man makes a valid point.
Ross: Then getting drunk is the task of the day.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are sitting around)
Rachel: This was a good idea, we never just hang out anymore.
Phoebe: That's because you both have children.
Monica: Huh?
Phoebe: Chandler and Ross, could there be anyone more childlike then those two?
Rachel: Joey.
Phoebe: No, he's baby like.
Monica: Can I tell you guys something?
Rachel: No, keep it to yourself.
Monica: You need to stop hanging around Chandler. You're starting to sound just like him.
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: Ok. But you have to promise me that you won't tell Chandler.
Phoebe and Rachel: Fine.
Monica: I'm late.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: What? What did I miss? What are you late for? Did you have to work today?
Monica: No Phoebe, my period is late.
Phoebe: So? (long pause as Monica and Rachel just look at her) Oh my God! You're pregnant!
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross, Joey and Chandler are three sheets to the wind)
Ross: Ok, I got one. Rachel does this thing with her tongue that makes it feel like shes going after the chewy center of a tootsie roll.
Joey: Man, I knew I shouldve hooked up with Rachel before you got back together with her.
Chandler: Ok, I got one. Monica does this thing .
Ross: Hey thats my sister youre talking about.
Chandler: But I have to listen to you talk about my future sister-in-law like that?
Ross: Good point.
Chandler: Anyway, Monica likes to tie me up and pretend that Im her bucking bull.
Joey: Monica does that? I always figured she was really reserved in the bedroom.
Chandler: What made you think that?
Joey: Well shes really neat, I figured she likes her sex the same way.
Ross: Ok, enough about Monica. Ive learned more than I care to know. What does Courteney do to you Joey?
Joey: Courteneys very limber. She likes to play on my pommel horse like shes a gymnast.
Chandler: Joeys met his match.
Joey: Its about time.
Ross: Whos the worst girlfriend you ever had?
Joey: Thats easy, Kathy. She cheated on me.
Chandler: And Im still very sorry about that.
Ross: Mine would have to be Carol.
Joey: Carol? You married her for Petes sake.
Ross: Yes, but she turned into a lesbian, it doesnt get much worse than that.
Chandler: Id have to say my worst girlfriend was Janice.
Ross: You get no argument here.
Joey: Shes the one who should have been a lesbian. No man should ever have to date her. Howd you date her four times?
Chandler: I was stupid back then.
Ross: A very horny and lonely man whod do anything for love.
Chandler: Shut up, at least I didnt marry a lesbian.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: When are you gonna tell Chandler?
Monica: Definitely not now. We just had the huge fight about when we were gonna have kids.
Rachel: Mon, youve got to tell him. He has the right to know.
Monica: How about you guys tell him?
Phoebe and Rachel: Monica!
Monica: Look I dont even know if Im really pregnant.
Phoebe: You havent taken a test.
Monica: Im scared.
Rachel: Why?
Monica: What if I am pregnant, Chandlers gonna be so angry.
Rachel: Or hell be very happy.
Monica: This is Chandler were talking about. He begged me to postpone having kids, were supposed to be in our newlywed stage.
Phoebe: Sounds like you guys got carried away. (Monica shoots Phoebe a look) Sorry, it slipped out.
Rachel: How about we go get a test? That way you can know for sure.
Monica: Fine.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (The guys are drunk)
Ross: What time is it?
Chandler: I dunno, I cant read my watch.
Joey: Its, its, wait a minute, Im not wearing a watch.
Ross: What do you think the girls are doing?
Chandler: Probably talking about babies and stuff.
Joey: Good thing Courteney isnt there, no way Im ready for that stuff.
Ross: Im with you there.
Chandler: If Monica was pregnant, Id shoot myself.
Ross: Lets go see what the girls are doing.
Chandler: Were drunk. I dont think theyd appreciate us.
Ross: We owe them one, they got stoned.
Joey: So you guys will be sleeping at Hotel Tribbiani tonight?
Chandler: Maybe we should just hang here.
Ross: Come on, itll be fun.
Chandler: Ok, but if were sleeping at Joeys, I get the spare bedroom!
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the results of the pregnancy test)
Monica: How long has it been?
Phoebe: Since the last time you asked or since you took the test?
Monica: Im sorry, Im just nervous.
Rachel: Relax Mon, everythings gonna be fine.
Monica: Yeah, thats easy for you to say. Youre not the one waiting for the results.
(The oven timer goes off. Monica runs to the bathroom. The guys stroll in)
Ross: Hello! The men are here!
Joey: What are you guys doing?
Phoebe: Were waiting to see if Monicas pregnant or not.
(Cut to Chandler who looks like he just found out his parents died)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Chandler: What did you just say?
Phoebe: (backpedaling) I said were waiting to see if Monicas eggplant is done or not.
Chandler: No you didnt!
Phoebe: Uh huh! I love Monicas eggplant.
(Monica emerges from the bathroom pale as a ghost)
Monica: Hi honey.
Chandler: Do I need to sit down?
Monica: Guys, can you excuse us?
All: Sure.
(Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey go to Joeys apartment)
JOEYS APARTMENT
Ross: Whats going on?
Rachel: Monica might be pregnant.
Phoebe: Rachel! We promised we wouldnt tell anybody.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, you already let the cat out of the bag.
Phoebe: But I put it back in and now Rachel has pulled it out again!
Rachel: Are you guys drunk?
Ross: A little.
Rachel: How many fingers am I holding up? (holds up two)
Ross: Four?
Joey: It looks like five to me.
Phoebe: You guys are totally wasted.
Ross: Pretty much. (to Rachel) Am I gonna be sleeping at Joeys tonight?
Rachel: How much did you drink?
Ross: Let me put it this way, we drank all of the alcohol in the apartment and went out to the store and got some more.
Rachel: You drank my Jack Daniels?
Ross: No. Im not that stupid.
Joey: Stupid enough to marry a lesbian.
Ross: But not stupid enough to throw my girlfriends wooden leg on the fire!
Phoebe: Boys knock it off!
Joey and Ross: Sorry Pheebs.
Rachel: What about me?
Joey and Ross: Sorry Rachel.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica has sat Chandler down at the table)
Chandler: Are you pregnant?
Monica: Its too early to tell.
Chandler: What did the test say?
Monica: It said Im pregnant.
(long period of silence)
Chandler: So much for the newlywed phase huh?
Monica: Youre not angry?
Chandler: Im too drunk to be angry.
Monica: Thats what that smell is!
Chandler: How late are you?
Monica: A week. But look, these tests can be wrong.
Chandler: But I might be a Dad.
Monica: Yes, you might be a Dad.
(silence again)
Chandler: But we were so careful.
Monica: I know. Im as surprised as you. Anyway, I have an appointment with the gynecologist on Monday. Well know for sure then.
Chandler: I may be drunk, but whatever it is, Im behind you 100%.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You couldnt have done this all by yourself. Ok, you could have, but I know you didnt. If were gonna have a family, then well have a family.
Monica: (starting to cry) You know that I love you right?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: Were gonna be parents!
(The others knock on the door)
Phoebe: Can we come in now?
Monica: Come in!
(the others enter)
Rachel: Well?
Chandler: Im gonna be a Dad.
Joey: Holy !@#$! (to Chandler) Dude, you didnt shoot yourself!
Phoebe: Im so happy for you guys, I think Im gonna cry.
Ross: (hugs Monica) Congratulations.
Monica: Thanks. Now maybe Mom and Dad will back off.
Ross: Doubtful, but worth a shot.
Rachel: (to Ross) I want a baby.
Ross: Oh, dont even start. First things first, we get married and then we talk about kids.
Closing Credits
GYNECOLOGISTS OFFICE (Monday Morning. Chandler and Monica are awaiting the results)
Monica: What do you think about names?
Chandler: Yes, I think every baby should have one.
Monica: Seriously.
Chandler: I havent even gotten used to the fact that you might be pregnant, we could name the kid Frankenstein for all I care.
Monica: Your childhood really screwed you up, didnt it?
(The doctor comes in)
Doctor: Ok, I have the results, Monica you.
End