Written by: jbaghenry
Disclaimer: The
characters in this script do not belong to me and were created by David Crane & Marta
Kauffman.
NOTE: This is
my second fanfic and takes place after my first fanfic The One With the Two Questions,
so if you haven’t read it yet, you should probably read it. Enjoy!
Feedback: jbaghenry@yahoo.com
[Scene: Central
Perk, the gang is admiring Monica’s wedding ring on her finger.]
Rachel: Oh
God, I can’t believe you guys are engaged. Oh, it’s so pretty.
Chandler: Rach,
you helped pick it out.
Rachel: I
know.
Monica: She
did? (to Chandler) You mean you didn’t look all over by yourself to find this ring as
a symbol of our long lasting love? (Chandler looks scared) I’m just kidding. Rachel,
I love it.
Rachel: Thank
you. So, Ross, do you still have all of your wedding rings?
Ross: (glaring
at her) Yes.
Phoebe: Too
bad you never had a third one, the third one’s lucky.
Ross: I
love how my miserable, miserable life pleases the rest of you.
Phoebe: Oh,
you guys, have you thought of names for the baby yet?
Monica: Phoebe,
it’s not even conceived yet.
Joey: What?
You’re adopting?! (Chandler whispers something in his ear) Oh, okay, conceived,
right. (he smiles at both of them and giggles a little bit)
Phoebe: Well,
so what? It’s still fun to think about it.
Monica: I
don’t know, I haven’t really thought of anything.
Chandler: Julio.
(they all stare at him) Okay, I guess we’re agreed. Monica, you come up with the
name.
Monica: I
think so.
Chandler: Alright.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Ross’s apartment complex, Ross and Joey are walking down the halls, Ross reading a newspaper.]
Joey: Hey
Ross, can you hand me the sports page?
Ross: Sure.
(sees something in the paper) Whoa!
Joey: What?
Ross: Man,
there’s a cat burglar loose on the city and he’s robbed four apartments last
week just two blocks from here.
Joey: You’re
kidding me.
Ross: No.
Joey: (snatching
the paper) Man. God, the police are so stupid, just go to the house with all the cats.
Ross: Please
be kidding.
Joey: (thinking)
Uh, yeah, okay.
Ross: Well,
at least I don’t have anything to worry about. My apartment is triple-locked.
(approaches his apartment and starts to unlock it) Hmm, that’s weird, the door’s
open. (they walk into a completely cleaned out apartment) Ahh!!
Joey: Ross,
did you move again?
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s, all present.]
Rachel: You’re
kidding me. Everything was gone?
Ross: Well,
no. They apparently forgot the floors and the ceiling.
Monica: How
could this happen, I mean you’re three flights up. How could they just clean you out?
What about your neighbors?
Ross: No,
the apartment on one side of me is vacant and the other is this elderly woman that
doesn’t hear very well. I think it’s because she constantly has Van Halen
blasting through her apartment.
Chandler: So,
does your insurance cover all of it?
Ross: Yeah,
most of it. Except all of my bones from the museum which can’t be replaced. Geeze,
why does everything happen to me?
Phoebe: Ah,
well, you’re Capricorn.
Ross: ‘Scuse
me?
Phoebe: Haven’t
you ever heard that old saying?
Ross: What
old saying?
Phoebe: ‘Aquarius
is sweet, Virgo is lucky, but all that is Capricorn must die!!’ (they all look at
her) Yeah, I don’t like to say that one a lot. It tends to scare people.
Chandler: Is
that why you got fired from the Day Care Center?
Phoebe: Yeah,
the little brats just wouldn’t stop crying.
Ross: Well,
Joey do you think I could stay with you tonight until I get, like, a bed again.
Joey: Oh,
sure man, it’s been kind of lonely since Janine moved out anyway. Man, that week
together in our relationship was just the best.
Chandler: Oh,
Mon, um, when are your parents getting here?
Monica: (looking
at her watch) Um, actually they should be here pretty soon.
Rachel: Hey,
did you tell them about the whole marriage/baby thing yet?
Monica: Yeah,
they called me last night asking if they could spend the night and after I said
‘yes,’ I said, ‘Oh by the way, you know Chandler? We’re getting
married!’
Rachel: Wow,
were they excited that their little Monica is finally gonna get married?
Monica: I
don’t know, it was kinda weird. They weren’t like happy or upset, they were just
kind of, I don’t know, kind of like their stomach hurt or somethin’.
Chandler: And
of course indigestion is a sign of warmth and happiness.
Ross: Hey,
excuse me, let’s back up a little here. Why do they have to stay over here tonight?
Monica: Oh,
they got a huge pest problem. Their house is being fumigated or somethin’.
Phoebe: (laughing)
Pests! That’s so funny, isn’t that what they always call Chandler behind his
back? (she continues laughing) Sorry, Chandler.
[Scene:
Joey’s apartment, Joey opens the door to Ross who’s carrying two shirts, a shoe,
and a toy dinosaur.]
Joey: Nice
luggage, man.
Ross: (coming
in) Yeah, well I thought I’d just kinda settle in. Where should I put my stuff?
Joey: Oh,
just set it anywhere. (noticing the toy dinosaur) Hey Ross, what’s with the dinosaur?
Ross: Joey,
this isn’t just a dinosaur, this is the Steamin’ Tyrannosaurus 5000! His eyes
light up, he growls, and he’s one mean dinosaur! (he puts the growlin’ dinosaur
in front of a not impressed Joey) Can you believe the cat burglar didn’t swipe this?
Joey: Well,
maybe, Ross, the cat burglar isn’t like, seven!
Jack: Hey,
sweetie!
Monica: So,
you guys, here it is. (she shows them her ring)
Judy: Oh
my goodness, honey. That’s so beautiful.
Jack: Wow!
Where would Chandler get the money to afford something like that?
Judy: (hits
him) Jack!
Jack: Sorry,
honey. Monica, I think it looks great.
Monica: Thanks
you guys. Okay, come on, sit down. Get settled in.
(They all go over to the couch, take off their coats and sit down)
Judy: So,
honey, where’s your…(takes a deep breath)…where’s your fiancé?
Monica: Oh,
Chandler’s at the grocery store. He thought it’d be nice if he cooked us a nice
dinner tonight.
Judy: Oh,
he can cook, well he certainly does take after his father.
Monica: What’s
that supposed to mean?
Jack: Oh,
nothing honey, you’re mom’s just excited about dinner. Aren’t you honey?
Judy: Oh,
yes. (to Monica) You have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen, right?
Monica: Alright,
that’s it. What’s going on?
Judy: What?
Monica: I
know there’s something going on. When I called you guys yesterday and told you the
news, I mean you guys didn’t really seem to express any type of happiness, you guys
just seemed…(thinking of the word)…sick. I mean, come on, you guys have been
pestering me for finding the right guy and spending my life with him and when I do, I
don’t get cheerfulness, but instead I get… indigestion.
Jack: Well,
your mother had just made salmon.
Monica: You
guys know what I mean!
Judy: Okay,
okay, Mon… Monica, it’s just that… I understand why you want to have a
baby, but why do you have to marry the pipsqueak?
Monica: What?
Chandler: (entering)
Hey. Oh, hey Mr. Geller, Mrs. Geller. Oh, what the hell, Mom, Dad. (he starts laughing as
they both look at him, uneasy) So, whatcha guys doin’?
Monica: Oh,
nothin’, we’re just having a friendly little chat.
Chandler: Well,
I hope everyone likes salmon, because I bought plenty of it.
(Judy starts to
say something.)
Monica: (stopping
her) Ah!
[Scene: Phoebe
and Rachel’s, Phoebe’s on the ground meditating as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey
Phoebe, will you…? (sees her meditating) Oh, it’s Thursday. (she starts
tiptoeing to her room, not disturbing her, but bangs her foot on the coffee table making
her scream and falls on top of Phoebe who wakes up in shock)
Phoebe: (waking
up) Ah! Oh! (sees Rachel on top of her)
Rachel: (innocently)
Hi!
Phoebe: Oh
my God! Rach! Don’t you know how dangerous it is to wake up a meditater?
Rachel: (getting
up) I’m so sorry. I was going to my room and I didn’t want to disturb you.
Phoebe: Oh,
okay, I didn’t get that. Well, I guess visiting two past lifetimes is good enough for
today (she gets up and there’s a knock at the door) Get that, would you?
Rachel: Okay.
(she goes to the door and looks through the spyhole)
Phoebe: Who
is it?
Rachel: I
don’t know, some guy. (to the stranger behind the door) Who is it?
Man: (from
behind the door) Hi, I’m from Garcia’s Flower Agency, I’ve got an order of
red roses for you.
Rachel: (looking
through the spyhole) What? Okay, I can see you, you don’t have any flowers.
Man: Okay,
okay, you got me. I’m a wackagram from one of your friends.
Rachel: Oh,
oh, you mean from Muriel?
Man: Yeah,
from Muriel.
Rachel: Nice
try mister, I don’t have a friend named Muriel. (silence) Hello?
Phoebe: What
was that all about?
Rachel: I
don’t know, kinda spooky.
Phoebe: Well,
you did the right thing. What’d he look like?
Rachel: I
don’t know, it’s kinda weird, but he sorta looked like Ross.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Yeah,
he did. And you know what’s even weirder? He had like red hair, but he still reminded
me of Ross.
Phoebe: Hmm.
(They both sit
down.)
Rachel: (realizes)
Wait a minute! I know why he reminded me of Ross.
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: Well,
he was wearing that sweater Ross always wears, you know that plaid one you gave him for
Christmas. He was also wearing a watch that looks a lot like the one Ross got from his
grandfather. (thinks) Oh my God!
Phoebe: What?
What?
Rachel: That
was the burglar!
Phoebe: You
think?
Rachel: Yeah,
totally. I mean, why else would he want to come in here so bad?
Phoebe: Oh
my God! You talked to the burglar!
Rachel: (gasps)
Oh God, we’ve got to call somebody! (she picks up the phone)
Phoebe: Ooh,
call Joe Friday! (Rachel stares at her) Okay, okay, NYPD, whatever. Go! Dial!
Rachel: Alright,
I’m dialing.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Chandler are seated at the table with Judy and Jack eating the salmon.]
Jack: Mmm,
Chandler this is terrific. What do you do to it?
Chandler: Well,
it’s just a little something I whipped up. The secret is: follow Monica’s recipe
exactly otherwise it will become soggy and pasty and just plain eww!
(Jack and Judy push their plates away in disgust.)
Judy: So,
so, what’s for dessert?
Rachel: (running
in with Phoebe) Where’s your phone?!
Monica: Over
on the table where it always is. What’s the matter?
Rachel: Okay,
okay, y’know the burglar who robbed Ross’s?
Chandler: Oh,
yeah, great guy, he gave me his number.
Phoebe: Chandler!
Now is not the time!
Monica: Okay,
sweetie, calm down! What happened?
Rachel: Well,
I had just come home from work and this guy came to the door saying he was like a flower
man, only he didn’t have flowers…
Jack: (interrupting)
Who did you order flowers for?
Rachel: Okay,
that is not the point! I didn’t order any flowers and when I kinda psyched him out
not letting him in me and Phoebe realized that he looked exactly like Ross.
Judy: Ross
robbed his own house?
Monica: Mom,
let her finish.
Rachel: No,
he wasn’t Ross, he just looked like him because he was wearing Ross’s favorite
sweater and his watch, which were all stolen!
Monica: Oh
my God, Rach, are trying to say that you talked to the burglar?
Phoebe: No,
that is exactly what she’s saying!
Rachel: I’ve
gotta call the police, the phone is down at our apartment. (she grabs the phone)
(Joey and Ross
enter.)
Joey: Hey,
guys.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: What’s
going on?
Monica: Ross,
Rachel just talked with the burglar!
Ross: What?
Rachel, you talked to him?
Rachel: Wait,
one sec. (on phone) Yes, hi, um, I want to report a burglar. (listens) No, not a burglary,
a burglar. I just, like twenty minutes ago was talking with a burglar. (listens) No, he
wasn’t robbing someone at the time. You see, I have this friend named Ross who got
robbed and has this really great sweater…
Phoebe: Which
was twenty percent off! (they all look at her) Nothing, just another fact. Hey, Chandler,
your salmon doesn’t bubble anymore!
Rachel: (on
phone) Yeah, and the guy was wearing it. This is your cat burglar you’ve been looking
for. Hello? Hello? (she hangs up the phone) They hung up on me! I don’t believe it!
Chandler: I
know, and you were calling to report a man wearing a twenty five percent off sweater!
Ross: Damn
it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! (sitting down) This sucks, I am never going to get my stuff
back!
Phoebe: Well,
you being 32 and Capricorn just thank God you’re still alive!
Rachel: Hey,
Mon, do you think that maybe me and Pheebs can stay here tonight? We’re kind of a
little scared to go back to our apartment.
Phoebe: Yeah,
I know, sometimes I like to wear a sweater to bed and I’m afraid that when I wake up,
it’ll be, y’know, gone!
Monica: Well,
Pheebs, it’s kinda crowded with Mom and Dad over here.
Judy: Oh,
it’s just fine Monica. Your father and I could go sleep in the guest room and Rachel
and Phoebe can have the couch.
Monica: Yeah,
but, we’ve only got a couch and a love seat; I don’t think they’ll both be
comfortable.
Joey: Oh,
it’s okay. Hey, Pheebs, since Ross is in my extra bedroom, you can have the couch.
Phoebe: Oh,
okay, sure.
Joey: Sure,
you know, what they say, sleeping together bonds friends.
Phoebe: Hmm,
I guess so. Right, Chandler? Right, Monica?
(Judy and Jack
stare at Chandler who tries to look as innocent as possible.)
Chandler: Thanks,
Pheebs.
[Scene:
Joey’s apartment, Joey is coming out with an old sleeping bag.]
Joey: Okay,
here ya go, Pheebs. (he plops it on the couch and dust flies up in her face)
Phoebe: (coughing)
Thanks, Joey, but, I think I’m just going to use my jacket.
Joey:
What? Why? It’s warmer in this sleeping bag.
Phoebe: Well,
I just figure, y’know, it’ll be less likely that a scorpion will come up and
sting me if I use my coat.
Joey: Oh,
okay, fine Pheebs. Now, you guys know the rule, right? If there’s a tie on the door
knob, don’t come in.
Ross: Uh,
Joe, we’re only staying here for one night.
Joey: Oh,
good point. Okay, nighty-night then. (he goes to his room)
Ross: Goodnight.
Phoebe: G’night.
Ross: Well,
sweet dreams, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Okay,
you too, Ross.
(He goes to his
room and Phoebe pulls out a book cuddles on the couch and starts reading, but hears a
growling sound from somewhere. She gets up and finds that she was sitting on Ross’s
toy dinosaur, it’s eyes are glowing)
Phoebe: Oh
my!
Ross: (coming
from his room) Don’t mess with the Steamin’ Tyrannosaurus 5000! (he grabs it and
goes back to his room,. leaving Phoebe in awe)
[Scene: Monica
and Chandler’s bedroom, Monica is lying in bed awake, Chandler is snoring, and she
hears a creaking sound.]
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler?!
Chandler: (half
asleep) Yeah, what’s the matter, hon?
Monica: I
hear something.
Chandler: What?
Monica: I
don’t know, a creaking sound.
Chandler: (waking
up) Well, don’t think the worst. I mean, maybe Mrs. Tuttle upstairs fell in the
shower again. (she hits him) Ow! Okay, you want me to go check it out?
Monica: No, of course not. (he lies
back down) I want you to go wake my dad up so he can look.
Chandler: (getting up, hurt)
Thanks.
Monica: I’m just kidding,
honey. Could ya go look?
Chandler: (getting out of bed)
Okay, but if it’s Mrs. Tuttle again, you get to call the ambulance this time.
[Cut to the living room, Chandler walks
out of their room quietly, he sees somebody at the kitchen counter in the dark, he grabs a
vase from the coffee table and quickly turns on the light.]
Chandler: Don’t move!!
Rachel: (turning around, shocked)
Bah!!
Chandler: Sorry, Rachel.
Rachel: (hits him) Oh my God! What
the hell did you do that for?! You scared the crap outta me!
Monica: (running out of the room)
What’s going on?!
(Judy and Jack run out)
Judy: What’s wrong?
Rachel: Nothing, Chandler just
scared the hell out of me!
Monica: Chandler! Why would you do
that?
Chandler: (shocked) You said to go
check the noise.
Monica: Yeah, I said check, not
wake up the entire apartment building!
(Joey, Ross and Phoebe run in.)
Joey: What happened?
Phoebe: (seeing Chandler) Chandler,
what are you doing with that vase?
Chandler: Nothing. (puts it down)
Rachel: No, he was just going to
bash me in the head with it.
Chandler: I’m sorry, okay, I
thought you were a burglar or somethin’.
Monica: Okay, could you guys just
all relax? Let’s just go back to sleep now.
Jack: Is the salmon giving anyone
else gas?
[Scene: The hallway between apartments,
later on, it’s dark and two men in black with flashlights come in the hallway.]
Guy #1: Hey, are you sure about
this, man? I mean, we’ve got enough stuff, we already bagged out the rich
neighborhood.
Guy #2: Nah, come on, I swear this
is the last place. Besides, I was almost caught today with this one woman in an apartment.
Boy, was she a wise ass.
Guy #1: That’s why it’s
not smart to do it in the daytime.
Guy #2: Come on. (they go to
Joey’s door and opens it) Wow, it’s unlocked, how perfect is that?
(They walk in the dark apartment, Phoebe
is asleep on the couch.)
Guy #2: (whispering) Okay, be
quiet, don’t wanna wake blondie up.
Guy #1: (going through the
cupboards) Hey, look, Chef Boyardee.
Guy #2: Ugh, this is hardly worth
it. (he opens a drawer) Plastic spoons? Oh, come on, what is that? (Joey comes out from
his bedroom, half asleep) Shh, be still. (they go into the corner by the fridge)
(Joey opens the fridge right by them and
takes out a left over Chef Boyardee can with foil on top of it.)
Joey: That’s the stuff.
(searching for a fork) Fork? Fork? Fork? (Guy #1 hands him a fork) Thanks. (realizes and
screams, Guy #2 turns on the lights)
Phoebe: (waking up) What’s
going on? (seeing them) Oh, Joey, are you having a party? (Guy #2 pulls out a gun) Whoa!
Joey, did you forget the beer?
Joey: Pheebs, they’re
burglars!
Guy #2: Yeah, now get up, blondie,
and stand next to your friend here.
Phoebe: Okay, but I hope you
realize that I’m cranking when I haven’t slept! (she goes over next to him)
Ross: (coming from his bedroom) You
guys, I’m trying to… (sees them) Whoa! (puts his hands up)
[Cut to the hallway, the burglars are
bickering inside with them as Rachel comes out into the hall.]
Guy #2: (from inside) And I hope
you three realize that if you don’t cooperate, we’re gonna have to shoot!
(Rachel gets a shocked look on her face)
Rachel: (whispering) Oh my God!
(she goes back in) Monica! Monica!
Monica: (coming from her bedroom)
What now?
Rachel: The burglar is in
Joey’s apartment and he’s got them up at gunpoint.
Monica: Oh my God! We’ve got
to call the police! (she runs to the phone)
Chandler: (coming out) Okay, I hope
you guys realize that my beauty sleep is now officially lost.
Monica: Shh! The burglar’s in
Joey’s apartment.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Rachel: Yes, I think we’ve
covered that.
Monica: (on phone) Dammit! I
can’t get through!
Rachel: Wait a minute! I’ve
got an idea! Monica, keep trying to get a hold of them, have you got a baseball bat?
Monica: Yeah, in the closet. Why?
Rachel: Well, I feel like going out
to play baseball right now. (they stare at her, confused) I need it for my plan!
[Scene: Joey’s apartment, the two
burglars still have the three of them at gunpoint.]
Guy #2: Okay, we’re going to
leave nicely now with your quarter collection…(points to Joey who’s almost in
tears)…and your dinosaur. (points to Ross who’s also almost in tears)
Ross: For the love of God,
it’s all I’ve got left.
Phoebe: Mister, just take it.
Guy #1: Okay, we’re going to
leave now, and we’ll just forget about this, huh? (they start to leave but
there’s a knock at the door)
Guy #2: (putting his gun away) Who
is it?
Rachel: (behind the door in a
man’s voice) Hello, I’ve got a flower order here for a Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe: Ooh! Yay!
Guy #2: What? (he opens the door to
Rachel)
Rachel: Or maybe I’m your
wackagram. Here’s your joke. (hits him in the stomach with the baseball bat and he
falls on the floor and she looks at Guy #1)
Guy #1: Uh, I think I’ll be
going now. (runs out)
(They all cheer)
Phoebe: Wow! Rachel Green as Rambo
Bitch, I love it! (hugs her) Now, where are my flowers?
[Scene: Central
Perk, all present.]
Monica: Man,
Rachel you were amazing, we are so proud of you.
Rachel: Well,
thanks, y’know, when your friends are in trouble, you just act on your impulses.
Ross: Yeah,
thanks Rach, I got all of my stuff back, plus yesterday I got new batteries for the
Steamin’ Tyrannosaurus 5000!
Chandler: Don’t
you just love it when everything comes out right? I was up worrying about the dinosaur all
night, I must tell ya. (Ross glares at him)
Gunther: (coming
up to them) Hey, Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah,
Gunther?
Gunther: Well,
I heard what you did and I think it’s just great!
Rachel: Oh,
stop!
Gunther: I
was thinkin’ that, I get really scared and lonely in my apartment and was wondering
if you could come over tonight? Y’know, for protection.
Rachel: Well,
Gunther, I would, except they already caught the burglars. They’re in jail.
Gunther: Oh,
good point. Thanks anyway. (walks away) Stupid! Stupid!
Rachel: Hey,
you guys, is Gunther seeing anybody, because I just though of this guy at work who would
be just perfect for him.
END