Written by: Kathryn
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.
(SCENE: Chandler & Monica's. Monica is sitting at the table, reading a magazine. Rachel enters)
RACH: Hi!
MON(looking up): Hey! Look at you, all ready for London!
RACH: Uh huh! I got my umbrella, my raincoat and my tourist book! I'm so excited! I've never been to London!
MON: What? No part of that sentence made sense. Except the raincoat part.
RACH: Oh, yeah, well I know I've been to London. But I've never shopped in London!
MON: Ohhh. (sarcastic) Yeah, cos you were so busy trying to ruin a wedding that you forgot to stop off at the nearest McDonalds.
RACH: Haha. I just can't wait for us all to meet here!
MON: Rach?
RACH: What?
MON: If me and Chandler aren't going, why are the rest of you meeting at our apartment?
RACH: Oh, I dunno, I guess it's just a habit.
MON: Like smoking. But not at all.
RACH: Whatever. So, what are you and Chandler doing when we've left?
MON: We're supposed to be going baby shopping. If Chandler can be bothered to get off his ass. I mean, we've got most of the stuff, but there's this great doll-
RACH(bored at first):That's nice. So, are you gonna look at the wedding dresses?
MON: What?! I doubt it!
RACH: Oh, c'mon! You've got, what, 4 months!
MON: Five.
RACH: Whatever! You're gonna have to get one soon. Plus, you can pick the flowers and the-
MON: Rachel! Breathe.
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross enter. Ross kisses Rachel on the cheek)
PHOE/JOEY/ROSS: Hi!
PHOE(to Monica): Hey, Mrs Bing.
MON: Don't go there. I'm going to keep my name.
JOEY: That's cruel! Oh yeah, Mon, I wanted to tell you something.
MON: What?
JOEY: LONDON BABY!
MON: Thanks for that.
RACH(to Ross): Honey?
ROSS: Yeah?
RACH: Are you sure we won't see Emily?
ROSS: Almost 100%. And if we do, I'll make it so she knows I love you.
PHOE: Ooh! I've never been to London! Ooh! I'm so excited! (she hops up and down, as Chandler enters)
CHAN: Hey guys. What's wrong with Phoebe?
JOEY: Chandler, can I tell you a secret?
CHAN: Sure. (Joey goes to whisper in his ear, but shouts) LONDON BABY!
(Chandler pats Ross on the shoulder)
CHAN: That's your problem, now.
MON: Hi.
CHAN: Hey, baby. (he kisses her, then the bump)
MON: Reading for our shopping trip?
JOEY: Shopping? Chandler, you are such a girl! (looks at magazine cover) I wonder if that nail polish comes in gold?
OPENING CREDITS
(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's, a bit later. The whole gang are there, and there are suitcases in the hall)
ROSS: Okay, here we go!
PHOE: Where?
ROSS: London.
PHOE: Oh yeah. (excited) Oh yeah!
MON: You're going already?
ROSS: Sorry, we've got a flight to catch.
RACH: I love flying at night. I remember when I was little and me and my family went to Switzerland. We flew at night, and it was so exciting. I could talk about it all day-
CHAN: Well, if you have to go, you have to go. (pause) Go!
JOEY: London Baby!
ALL: Shutup!
JOEY: What? I thought you liked that!
CHAN: No! If you say it one more time, you're gonna be saying "someone save me"!
JOEY: Gee. God, I know pregnant people have mood swings, but you're one of a kind.
CHAN: W- I'm not even gonna say what's wrong with that.
ROSS: We better go. C'mon!
RACH: Okay, okay. Did you call the taxi?
ROSS(sarcastic):No. No, in fact, we're gonna walk there.
RACH: Okay, well let me change my shoe-
ROSS: Rachel! C'mon! Phoebe, Joey, move!
PHOE: Who's Mr Grouchy Pants now? (no response) I meant you.
ROSS: I know!
JOEY: Okay, let's move it! LONDON BABY!
CHAN: Shutup.
JOEY: Oh yeah. You have that problem with me saying…LONDON BABY!!
(Chandler starts to talk, but Ross cuts him off)
ROSS: And we're leaving!
RACH(to Monica): Honey, I'll call you when we get there, okay?
MON: Okay.
RACH: And don't you have that baby when I'm gone. Phoebe held hers in, but you're more pregnant. Just don't have her yet!
MON: Yeah, okay. (sarcastic) I get to say when she comes out. Right.
(Rachel hugs and kisses Monica, and the bump, then hugs and kisses Chandler. Phoebe does the same. Joey hugs Monica and Chandler. Ross hugs and kisses Monica and the bump, and hugs Chandler)
ROSS: Bye little sister. (to Chandler) Take care of her, man.
CHAN: Will do.
PHOE: Bye guys!
JOEY: LONDON BABY!!
MON: Bye. (she hugs Ross once more)
(And, finally, they leave)
CHAN: Thank god! I thought they'd never go!
MON: Chandler!
CHAN: What?
MON: That's so mean!
CHAN: I just want you all to myself.
MON: So, when are we gonna go shopping?
CHAN: Do we have to go? I mean, it's one baby rattle or whatever.
MON: Well, I was thinking maybe we could start looking at wedding stuff.
CHAN: Wedding stuff? Isn't it a little early? (sees Monica's smile fade away) Oh, alright. Tomorrow morning. But now, I'm going to bed, okay?
MON: Okay. Me too.
CHAN: Lo…Oh dear god. I almost said "London baby". I'm turning into Joey.
(SCENE: A hotel room. Rachel and Ross have just walked in. We're in London, by the way)
ROSS: I wasn't looking at the air hostess!
RACH: Yes you were! You were staring at her breasts!
ROSS: I wasn't looking at Fiona's breasts!
RACH: Fiona? Since when did you start calling her Fiona?!
ROSS: It's her name! Look, let's just stop fighting. We're in London.
RACH: Can we go shopping?
ROSS: No.
RACH: Well, I'm finding Phoebe. You can unpack, okay? Cos you know how much I love you.
ROSS: Okay, sweetie.
(Rachel starts to walk out)
RACH(under breath: Sucker.
(SCENE: Another hotel room. Phoebe is pulling on a jacket, and Rachel is standing around, impatient)
RACH: C'mon Phoebs! I wanna shop! There's this store called Selfridges and it's supposed to be really huge! I didn’t get to go last time!
PHOE: Okay, okay. I'm coming!
(Rachel drags her out of the door. We move straight to the two of them entering Selfridges)
RACH: Oh my god! It's, like, totally huge!
PHOE: And it has the best karma ever! I can smell it.
RACH: No, I think that's the perfume counters.
PHOE: Oh, you know what? That guy over there is totally checking you out!
RACH: Where?
PHOE: Over there. (she moves her head to him and we see a young man, played by Hugh Grant. What the hell, we'll call him HUGH, too!)
RACH: Wow. He's gorgeous. Should I go talk to him?
PHOE: What about Ross?
RACH: What about him? (Phoebe looks shocked) Oh, come on! He'll
never know, and it's only a bit of fun. (She starts walking to him) You stay here.
PHOE: Do I have a choice?
(We go over to Rachel and Hugh)
RACH: Hey.
HUGH(he's British, obviously): Oh, hello.
RACH: My friend saw you looking at me. So, you like what you see huh?
HUGH: What? No, I was looking at the poster next to you. I'm trying to find a present for my fiancé.
RACH(disappointed): Oh.
HUGH: Maybe you could help me. She's about your age. Her name's Emily.
PHOE: Ooh! Ross went out with an Emily!
HUGH: Who's Ross?
RACH: My boyfriend. So tell us about your fiancé.
HUGH: Well, she's about your age. She's got short brown hair. Um…Oh yes. She was going to marry this horrid American guy who said the wrong name at their wedding! I mean, does Rachel sound like Emily to you?
(Rachel looks totally shocked, and embarrassed)
HUGH: What did you say your name was?
(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's, back in the U.S. of A. Monica has her coat on, and Chandler seems to be stalling)
MON: C'mon! I wanna go before I have the baby!
CHAN: That's in half a month! Let's get shopping out of the way first! Anyway, I can't find my wallet.
MON: You're holding it.
CHAN: Oh. Yeah. Well, I, uh, I can't find my, uh, my, uh, my shoes!
MON: Which ones?
CHAN: My trainers.
MON: You never wear your tr…Ow!!
CHAN: What?
MON: Nothing. The baby just kick-
CHAN: What?
MON: I think my water broke.
CHAN: What?!
MON: I told you I wanted to go out before I had the baby! It's too late now!
CHAN: Are you kidding? You can't have it now! (he grabs his trainers and quickly puts them on)
MON: I thought you couldn't find those!
CHAN: I lied! Now, c'mon! Let's go!
(He shuffles Monica out the door)
(SCENE: Back in Selfridges, continued from before)
HUGH: What's your name?
RACH: Uh, Rachel.
HUGH: Isn't that a coincidence?
RACH: No. It's not. I'm Rachel. The Rachel.
HUGH: What? Are you joking? Because I know you Americans have the weirdest sense of humour.
RACH: No, I'm not joking. And, hey!
(Phoebe walks over)
PHOE: Are you done yet? I'm bored.
RACH: Nearly. I've not quite finished humiliating myself. This is Hugh, Emily's fiancé.
PHOE: Emily who? (realises) Emily Emily? The Emily we know and hate?! (sees Hugh's face) Hate as in love!
RACH: Well, uh, I better be going.
HUGH: Just as well. Emily's only just down there.
(Emily -EMLY- walks over)
EMLY: Hugh? What are you…Rachel. Phoebe.
RACH: We were just leaving. Right, Phoebs?
PHOE: Right.
EMLY: Wait. What are you doing here?
PHOE: Shopping. Duh!
EMLY: What are you doing in England?
RACH: Uh, well, Ross is filming a documentary, and he wanted his friends with him.
EMLY: Where's Joey?
PHOE: He's at the hotel.
EMLY: And Monica? And Chandler? And Ross?
RACH: I'll start with the easy one. Ross is at the hotel filming. Monica can't fly because she's pregnant w-
EMLY: What about Chandler?
RACH: Let me finish. (rushed) Monica can't fly because she's pregnant with Chandler's little girl, so obviously Chandler won't leave her because the baby could be born any minute. Phew.
(Emily looks shocked)
EMLY: Goodness. Haven't you all been busy?
(END SCENE: Rachel & Ross's hotel room. Rachel and Ross are kissing on the bed, when the phone rings)
RACH: I've gotta get the phone.
ROSS: Do you have to?
RACH: Yes! It could be important. (She gets up and answers. SPLIT SCREEN: Chandler on one side on a payphone in a hospital waiting room, Rachel on the other side)
RACH: Hello?
CHAN: Hi.
RACH: Oh hey Chandler! I was wondering when-
CHAN: Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm calling from a payphone at the hospital, so I can't be too long.
RACH: The hospital? Why are you at the…(realises that Monica
must be in labour. Well, duh!) Oh my god! Is Mon in labour? (we see Ross sit up quickly,
concerned)
CHAN: Uh huh.
RACH: Oh my god! You're gonna be a daddy! (pause) Hello? Hello? (the other side of the split screen shows the payphone dangling, and Chandler fainted) (Rachel hangs up) I guess he ran out of money.
END