Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Chandler: So how was the honeymoon?
Rachel: It sucked.
Ross: No it didnt!
Rachel: Ross, it rained the whole time we were there. We even went through a hurricane.
Ross: Which we went skinny-dipping in.
Phoebe: You went skinny-dipping during a hurricane?
Ross: Yeah. It was the most fun we had on the honeymoon.
Joey: Better than having sex over and over again?
Ross: Ok, so it was the second most fun thing we did on our honeymoon.
Rachel: Oh, and we brought presents back for each of you.
Chandler: (excited) What did I get?
Monica: Would you stop being so selfish? (to Rachel) What did you bring me?
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica: I love the hammock its perfect for the balcony.
Chandler: This voodoo doll looks just like my boss. Hell never make me work late again!
Phoebe: Youve never worked late the whole time youve been on the job.
Chandler: So? I can still use it on him.
Phoebe: How did you know to bring me back Cuban cigars?
Ross: We figured youd love to have anything thats illegal to have in the US.
Joey: You shouldve brought her back a Jamaican gigolo. She needs another boyfriend.
Phoebe: Youre so lucky youre getting married Joey, or Id cut off your manhood.
Rachel: What did you say?
Phoebe: Id cut off his manhood.
Rachel: No before that, Joeys getting married?
Joey: Yup, Courteney and I are engaged. Im officially off the market.
Chandler: And the entire female population of the City of New York screams in terror.
Ross: I dont believe it! What, how, when .
Monica: Yeah, were still in shock too.
Rachel: Well congratulations Joey, Im really proud of you. Never thought it could be done, but still very proud of you.
Joey: So why did you guys bring me back a 100 pack of condoms?
Ross: We figured with the rate at which you have sex, youd blow through the supply in a month. We figured we spring for a months supply.
Joey: You guys are so thoughtful. Thanks guys.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are unpacking)
Rachel: I didnt wear half the stuff I brought. I always overpack.
Ross: Thats because you brought half your closet. (Rachel stares at Ross) Im just saying. Besides, we spend 75% of the time naked. Did you really think youd wear all those outfits?
Rachel: No. I just wanted to be prepared for anything.
Ross: I think you achieved that goal.
Rachel: Do you wanna have a baby?
Ross: What? Right now? Like in the next nine months?
Rachel: I take that as a no.
Ross: I just didnt think youd want kids so soon. Dont you just wanna enjoy being married for a while?
Rachel: Weve been living together for nine months already.
Ross: So?
Rachel: Well thats like being married.
Ross: Not in my book.
Rachel: How can you say that?
Ross: Pretty easily, not in my book. See, its only four words and I do hold a doctorate degree.
Rachel: Fine.
Ross: Wait Rach. I dont wanna have a fight over this.
Rachel: No fight.
Ross: So if I said ok, that would be ok with you?
Rachel: What do you mean ok?
Ross: If youre ready to have a baby, then Im ready too. Besides, Ben keeps asking me when hes gonna have a little brother and god knows Carol and Susan arent going to come through for him.
Rachel: Youre serious? Once we agree to do this, theres no stopping until I have a baby.
Ross: My swimmers are at the starting block. All youve got to do is fire the starting gun. (Rachel begins taking off her clothes) You wanna do this right now?
Rachel: No time like the present.
Ross: Ah one question, did you stop your birth control?
Rachel: Damn it!
Ross: I take that as a no. (Rachel starts putting her clothes back on) Whoa, what are you doing?
Rachel: Were not having sex now. Youve got to save those swimmers.
Ross: I produce millions of them everyday. Now take your clothes off.
Rachel: No.
Ross: No?
Rachel: No more meaningless sex. From now on we only have sex when were shooting for a baby.
Ross: But I need the practice.
Rachel: Then go to the bathroom and use your hand. Oh, and I think this months issue of Playboy is in there if thatll help.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: Are you ready to go?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Because the last time we went I wasnt pregnant. I dont want that to happen again.
Chandler: It wont.
Monica: How do you know?
Chandler: I dont. But theres no way to find out for sure if we dont go.
Monica: I want this so bad.
Chandler: Same here. I havent wanted anything this much since I wanted the Atari game system as a kid. (Monica stares at Chandler) Ok, Im sensing that I shouldve kept that to myself. Lets go.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Joey: Man, thank god that we have a week off shooting.
Phoebe: Ah, the last time you thought you had a week off youd been fired. Are you sure thats not the case now?
Joey: I am aware of that. Thats why I made sure this time.
Phoebe: What did you do?
Joey: I told them that I was suffering from exhaustion and needed a week in the hospital to recoup.
Phoebe: Thats a great excuse. Did it work?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Then why arent you at work?
Joey: Cause my character is on vacation for a week.
Phoebe: So you didnt need the excuse?
Joey: Apparently not. So how you doin Pheebs?
Phoebe: Im alright.
Joey: Come on, whats wrong?
Phoebe: Nothings wrong. Im fine.
Joey: If you dont tell me Ill everyone that you slept with Courteney.
Phoebe: Fine with me.
Joey: You slept with my fiancée?
Phoebe: No.
Joey: Whats wrong?
Phoebe: (after a period of silence) Im sad.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because youre getting married.
Joey: Really? I thought youd be happy for me.
Phoebe: I am happy for you, Im still sad though.
Joey: Ok youre confusing me.
Phoebe: You know thats not hard to do.
Joey: Very funny. Why are you sad?
Phoebe: I cant tell you.
Joey: Its me Pheebs, you can tell me anything.
Phoebe: Not this.
Joey: Come on, what is it?
Phoebe: No, Im not telling you. Ive gotta go.
Joey: Where are you going?
Phoebe: To work.
Joey: You dont have a job.
Phoebe: Look, I just have to go. Ok?
Joey: Are you sure youre alright?
Phoebe: Im fine. See you later.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)
Ross: I cant believe youre getting married. I mean, no offense, but its you.
Joey: Yeah, I cant believe it either. I almost backed out.
Ross: Why?
Joey: Cause Im not sure if Courteneys the one.
Ross: That would be a good reason to back out. Wait a minute, you still dont feel that way do you?
Joey: So do you wanna go get a pizza?
Ross: Answer my question Joey. Do you still have doubts about Courteney being the one?
Joey: I dunno.
Ross: What do you mean you dont know?
Joey: Just that I dont know. Can we drop it?
Ross: Fine. Just dont do anything stupid. Marriage is not something to be fooled with. Trust me, Im on my fourth because I was stupid the first three times.
Joey: Its me, when have I ever done anything stupid?
Ross: Do I have to answer that?
Joey: You better not. Hey have you talked to Phoebe lately?
Ross: No, we just got back yesterday. I havent really seen her. Is there something I should know?
Joey: Shes just acting weird. She said that shes sad that Im getting married and she wont tell me why.
Ross: Its Phoebe. Shes always been weird. Do you want me to talk to her?
Joey: If you want. Now about that pizza, are you in?
Ross: I cant, were having dinner with Rachels mom tonight.
Joey: So are you gonna go for it with Rachels mom?
Ross: What?!
Joey: Sorry, I just saw American Pie again.
GYNECOLOGISTS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are waiting for the pregnancy tests results)
Monica: It better be positive this time.
Chandler: Dont worry, it will.
Monica: If it isnt youre going to the doctors to have your swimmers tested.
Chandler: No Im not! Theres nothing wrong with my swimmers!
Monica: Youre still going!
(the Doctor enters)
Dr. Newer: Hello again.
Chandler: Well?
Monica: Chandler, give her a chance to speak! Sorry about my husband, he sometimes forgets to be polite. So, what are the results?
Chandler: And youre not impatient?!
Dr. Newer: Do you guys want me to come back after you finish fighting?
Chandler and Monica: No.
Dr. Newer: Well I have some good news, youre pregnant.
Monica: Im pregnant?
Dr. Newer: Yup.
Monica: (to Chandler) Did you hear that? Im pregnant!
Chandler: Congratulations, I love you!
Dr. Newer: Shall we do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are?
Monica: Lets do it!
Chandler: No offense Monica, but I dont think having sex right here and now is appropriate.
Monica: Would you please just once not make a mockery out of everything!
Chandler: Sorry.
Dr. Newer: (to Chandler) I thought it was funny.
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Ross has gone to see Phoebe. He knocks on her door)
Phoebe: (who is naked) Come in.
Ross: Hey Pheebs! (sees that shes naked) Phoebe! Put some clothes on! What the hell are you doing?!
Phoebe: (covering up) Oops. I was cleaning!
Ross: You clean in the nude?
Phoebe: You dont? (Ross shakes his head no) You should try it sometime, its liberating. Ill be right back.
Ross: With clothes on I hope.
(Phoebe returns)
Phoebe: (in a robe) Sorry about that, I wasnt expecting company.
Ross: Then why did you tell me to come in?
Phoebe: I had ordered a pizza.
Ross: And you were gonna answer the door like that?
Phoebe: Sure. I always order pizza when Im cleaning. Besides, the pizza delivery person is a woman. Shes seen me naked a hundred times.
Ross: When she delivers your pizza?
Phoebe: And at the gym. Anyway, whats up?
Ross: Ah, Joey said that youre sad that hes getting married.
Phoebe: So?
Ross: He also said that you wouldnt tell him why.
Phoebe: So?
Ross: So I figured Id come and talk with you and see if I can help.
Phoebe: Thats really sweet, but really, Im fine.
Ross: So are you sad?
Phoebe: A little, but Ill get over it.
Ross: Why are you sad?
Phoebe: I cant tell you that.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, what is it?
Phoebe: Its not your problem. Ill deal with it myself.
Ross: Are you pregnant?
Phoebe: No! What would make you think that?!
Ross: Sorry, you said you had a problem. I thought you might be pregnant.
Phoebe: Well Im not!
Ross: Please dont get mad, I was just trying to help.
Phoebe: Well stop trying to help. Im not gonna tell you what it is so why dont you just drop it.
Ross: Ok. Im sorry Pheebs. I have to get home, Rachel and I are going to dinner with her mom.
Phoebe: Are you gonna try to sleep with Rachels mom this time?
Ross: What?!
Phoebe: Sorry, I just saw American Pie again with Joey.
GYNECOLOGISTS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are having their ultrasound done)
Dr. Newer: Well, it appears that youre four weeks along.
Monica: Really? I only have eight months left?
Dr. Newer: Yes, it appears that way.
Chandler: These are gonna be the longest eight months of my life. (Monica glares at Chandler) I didnt mean to say that out loud.
Monica: Oh no!
Chandler: What?
Monica: I was pregnant during Ross and Rachels wedding.
Chandler: So?
Monica: I got drunk at the wedding! Youre not supposed to drink when youre pregnant! Is the baby gonna be ok?
Dr. Newer: Its way to early to tell, but its my bet that the baby will be fine. Youre not the first person who got smashed and then found out that they were pregnant. Do you smoke?
Monica: No.
Dr. Newer: How about you Chandler?
Chandler: Not really.
Dr. Newer: Not really?
Chandler: Once in a while when Monicas not looking.
Monica: Chandler! Im gonna kill you!
Dr. Newer: I take it that youre not supposed to be smoking.
Chandler: No, Im not. But its so pleasurable, its almost better than sex.
Monica: Like youll be getting any in the next eight months anyway.
Dr. Newer: Actually, you can have sex during your pregnancy.
Monica: Trust me, after today, he wont be having any sex except with himself.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is cleaning in the nude)
Ross: (VO) This is so much fun! I am totally naked and cleaning. Whoa, Id better watch how and where I hold the vacuum cleaner.
(Rachel and her mom enter. Ross doesnt hear them due to the vacuum cleaner noise. Rachel pulls the plug on the vacuum)
Rachel: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Uh oh. Hi Rach, Mrs. Green. I was just cleaning. Ill be right back. (Ross runs to the bedroom)
Mrs. Green: Now I see why you married him. Impressive equipment.
(Rachel goes into the bedroom)
Rachel: What was that?
Ross: Im sorry, I was cleaning. Phoebe told me to try it in the nude.
Rachel: And you listened to her?
Ross: You should try it, its liberating.
Rachel: Youre an idiot. You dont clean in the nude when youre new mother-in-law is coming to dinner!
Ross: Im sorry. I just got carried away.
Rachel: You do that if my mother wasnt right outside, Id jump your bones.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Oh baby, you have no idea how sexy you looked.
Ross: What about the no meaningless sex thing?
Rachel: You clean in the nude all the time, you can have all the meaningless sex you want.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present, but not really talking to each other)
Chandler: Come on Mon, this is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives, talk to me.
Monica: Every time talk to you, you have nothing but jokes to say.
Chandler: Look, Im truly sorry about today. I was just so excited that Im gonna be a father that I just kept making cracks. Thats what happens when I get excited and you know that.
Monica: Are you gonna be able to stay quiet?
Chandler: About what?
Monica: About me being pregnant. No one is to know until I start to show. I dont want to jinx it.
Chandler: No one will find out. I wont say anything. You can cut off my head if I squeal. Its our secret.
Monica: Youre lucky I havent cut off your head yet. Of course I wouldnt be currently pregnant if I had done that.
Chandler: (cringing) Ah, I meant cut off the other head.
Monica: I didnt.
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Joey: So youre still not gonna tell me whats bothering you?
Phoebe: No. Its a secret.
Joey: Its not a secret if youre the only one who knows about it.
Phoebe: You really want me to tell you?
Joey: Yeah, I do.
Phoebe: You think you can handle the truth?
Joey: Yeah. I can handle the truth. What is it?
Phoebe: Well Im not gonna tell you. I dont think you can handle it.
(Joey tackles Phoebe and pins her to the floor)
Joey: Tell me now or Ill tickle you to death. (starts tickling her)
Phoebe: Ok, ok. Stop, Stop!
Joey: Why are you sad that Im getting married?
Phoebe: Im not telling you!
Joey: Fine, have it your way! (starts tickling her again)
Phoebe: Stop! Ok! I promise, Ill tell you!
Joey: What is it?
Phoebe: Im sad that youre getting married because I thought that youd wind up marrying me. There I said it, are you happy now? (Joey looks at Phoebe in shock)
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler are present)
Rachel: (to Monica) Did Ross tell you, were trying to have a baby.
Monica: Thats so great!
Chandler: Yes, wed have a baby but Monica already has one.
Ross: Huh?
Chandler: Me.
End