Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are present)
Monica: (to Rachel) Isnt your wedding in six weeks?
Rachel: Yeah, Im so excited. The invitations are going out this week.
Phoebe: How many people are you guys having?
Rachel: Thanks to you Pheebs, 500.
Monica: Youre having 500 people at your wedding? You dont even know 500 people. And where did you guys get the money?
Rachel: Well my parents are paying for most of it.
Monica: How much did they contribute?
Rachel: $40,000. Oh, and your parents are contributing $5,000.
Monica: No way is that enough to pay for a wedding with 500 people. You and Ross are paying for the rest?
Phoebe: No, I am! (Monica looks at Phoebe in shock)
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica: (to Phoebe) Youre helping pay for their wedding?!
Phoebe: Yeah. They wanted a big wedding but couldnt afford it. So I volunteered to pick up the rest of the tab.
Monica: You didnt offer to help pay for our wedding!
Phoebe: Well, you had Mrs. Bing to help.
Monica: What does that have to do with anything?
Phoebe: Well Mrs. Bing is a multi-millionaire.
Monica: So what? That doesnt mean she helped pay for our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: Look Mon, whats the big deal? So Pheebs is helping pay for our wedding, its her gift to Ross and I.
Phoebe: Exactly.
Monica: And what did you get us Phoebe?
Phoebe: You know what I got you, his and hers towels.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are hanging out)
Chandler: Your sister is driving me nuts.
Ross: I told you not to marry her.
Chandler: No you didnt!
Ross: Oh, I mustve told Joey. What did she do now?
Chandler: Shes milking me dry.
Ross: Keeps spending your money?
Chandler: No, she keeps wanting to have sex.
Ross: What did I tell you about discussing your sex life with me?
Chandler: Nothing, you must have told Joey.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey, guess what?
Chandler: Italian Americans are the leading minority in the Village?
Joey: What?
Ross: Forget about him Joey, what is it?
Joey: I got the lead in a movie!
Chandler: They resurrected Shutter Speed?
Joey: No. (pause) Though that would be cool.
Ross: Whats the movie?
Joey: The Adventures of Larry the Lounge Lizard. Its totally cool, its about this Italian guy who goes on these cool adventures and sleeps with beautiful women.
Chandler: Theyre making a movie about your life?
Joey: No, would you listen, the movie is about an Italian guy. Am I Italian? (Chandler and Ross look at Joey) Ok, so Im Italian. But the movie isnt about me.
Ross: What about General Hospital?
Joey: Theyre gonna shoot the movie around my schedule.
Chandler: Are you getting paid for this movie?
Joey: Yes, theyre paying me.
Chandler: What?
Joey: $3,000.
Ross: Thats it, $3,000?
Joey: Hey, $3,000 is a lot of money! Thats more than I make per episode of General Hospital.
Ross: But this is for a whole movie! Hell, I made $100,000 as a consultant for Jurassic Park III.
Chandler: (to Ross) They paid you that much?
Ross: (to Chandler) Jennifer negotiated my deal.
Joey: I dont care what you guys think, Im the lead in a movie!
Chandler: Joey, porn stars get more money per film than what youre getting.
Joey: Are you unsupporting me again?
Chandler: No. No. Act away Larry.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are addressing their wedding invitations)
Ross: Weve invited too many people.
Rachel: You think? Who are Andrea Bendewald and Guest?
Ross: Shes Jennifers best friend and Guest is her significant other.
Rachel: Youre inviting Jennifers friend to our wedding? I dont even know this person.
Ross: You invited Brad and Jennifer!
Rachel: So? I know them!
Ross: Well, I met Andrea when I was in LA and I invited her.
Rachel: Is there anyone else that you invited that you havent told me about?
Ross: Yeah, I invited Emily.
Rachel: As in your ex-wife Emily?
Ross: Yeah, I hope thats not a problem.
Rachel: Are you insane? And when did you bump into her?
Ross: Relax, Im kidding. Oh, I did invite Kathy Najimy.
Rachel: Who is that?
Ross: Another friend of Jennifers I met in LA.
Rachel: Ok, youre not allowed to go to LA anymore without me.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)
Monica: I just cant believe Phoebe is helping pay for Ross and Rachels wedding.
Chandler: Well I think its nice. (Monica glares at Chandler) Ok, I dont think its nice. What a bitch!
Monica: Why arent you mad about this?
Chandler: Should I be mad?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Why?
Monica: We only had 200 people at our wedding.
Chandler: So?
Monica: Ross and Rachel get to have 500 people.
Chandler: Again, so?
Monica: Its just not fair.
Chandler: Do you wanna get a divorce and get married again and make Phoebe pay for it?
Monica: Thats an idea.
Chandler: Look Mon, this is ridiculous. So Ross and Rachel are having a big wedding, so what? Thats just more time theyll have to spend thanking everyone who came. They wont get to party like we did.
Monica: Is that all you care about?
Chandler: Ah, ah, ah ..stop turning this on me! This is your fight not mine! You cant stay mad at Phoebe forever!
Monica: Just watch me!
PHOEBE & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Is Monica still mad at me?
Chandler: (holding up shredded towels) Does this answer your question?
Phoebe: Thats the towels I gave you guys!
Chandler: I know, Im sorry Phoebe, shes out of control.
Phoebe: Did you tell her about our secret?
Chandler: No, that was part of the deal.
Phoebe: You can tell her if you want.
Chandler: No Pheebs, shes making her bed, she can sleep in it too.
Phoebe: Youre a mean husband. I like it. (pause) How bout getting a divorce and marrying me?
Chandler: You cant be serious?
Phoebe: Come here sugar!
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney: I cant believe this, my boyfriend is the lead in a movie!
Joey: Not to shabby eh! Wanna make a movie of our own?
Courteney: Joey!
Joey: One of these days youre gonna say yes and Im not gonna want to!
(Rachel enters)
Joey and Courteney: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Courteney, whats up Larry?
Joey: Just practicing for my movie. What are you doing here?
Rachel: I was at the post office dropping off the wedding invitations and I figured I stop by.
Courteney: Whens the wedding?
Rachel: July 7th.
Joey: Thats no good.
Rachel: What?
Joey: I cant make it that day, Ill be in The Netherlands.
Rachel: Youre going to The Netherlands? Since when?
Joey: The opening of Larry the Lounge Lizard in The Netherlands is on July 7th. I have to be there for the opening.
Courteney: And I get to go with him!
Rachel: The movie is gonna be finished by then?
Joey: Yeah, its a big time Hollywood production, its a one-week shoot.
Rachel: Well Im sorry Joe, but were not postponing the wedding.
Joey: But you have to postpone the wedding! Im one of Rosss best men!
Rachel: Well hell just have to make do with Chandler.
Joey: You cant do this! Im talking to Ross!
Rachel: Fine, talk to Ross, but hes not gonna agree with you.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Chandler are present)
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?
Chandler: I dunno Pheebs. I say let it blow over, but I dont think it will.
Phoebe: I think you should tell her.
Chandler: No Pheebs, that would break my promise to you.
Phoebe: Im gonna lose a friend over this whole deal and youre worried about a promise to me .thats so sweet.
(Monica enters)
Chandler: Hey Mon.
Phoebe: Hey Monica.
Monica: (ignoring Phoebe to Chandler) Hey honey. Gunther, could I get a mocha to go? Chandler, were having dinner at my parents, be home by 5.
Chandler: Were having dinner with them again? (Monica looks at Chandler) Ill be home by 5.
Monica: Ill see you later sweetie. (leans down and kisses Chandler) Phoebe.
Phoebe: Well at least she acknowledged my presence. Why is she so damn competitive? Its just a stupid wedding. She should be thankful that you agreed to marry her.
Chandler: Look, Ill tell her tonight. I just want her to get more riled up so shell feel really guilty about what shes done to you.
Phoebe: Youre really enjoying this arent you?
Chandler: Contrary to popular belief, I do have a dark side.
Phoebe: You dont have to tell Joey.
Chandler: Huh?
Phoebe: Kathy.
Chandler: Right.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is present. Theres a knock on the door. Its Joey)
Ross: Hey, what are you doing here?
Joey: You cant have the wedding on July 7th.
Ross: What?
Joey: You cant have the wedding on July 7th, Im gonna be in The Netherlands.
Ross: Why?
Joey: Would you stop asking me questions! Look, have the wedding on the 14th, one week later aint gonna kill you, and then I can be there and be your best man.
Ross: Ok, that would be great, but we just mailed all the invitations for the 7th. Its too late to change the wedding.
Joey: So youre gonna get married without me? Thanks a lot. I thought we were friends.
Ross: We are friends Joey and I want you to be there. Dont go to The Netherlands.
Joey: I cant. My movie is opening.
Ross: What movie?
Joey: The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard.
Ross: You havent even started filming it yet! How could it be ready by July 7th?
Joey: I told you, its a one week shoot. The producers said I had to be in The Netherlands on July 7th.
Ross: Ok, look, Ill talk to Rachel and see if we can postpone the wedding until the 14th.
Joey: Thanks Ross, I owe you one.
Ross: Look dont get your hopes up, Rachels never gonna agree to this.
Joey: At least youre willing to try, she already told me no.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are returning from dinner with her parents)
Monica: Youre being awfully quiet tonight. What did you do now?
Chandler: Why is it that every time Im quiet you assume I have must have done something?
Monica: Cause the last time you were this quiet you asked me if my boobs were real or not.
Chandler: Well I didnt do anything this time, you did.
Monica: I did? What did I do to you?
Chandler: You didnt do anything to me. You did it to Phoebe.
Monica: I cant believe youre taking her side! Im your wife!
Chandler: Calm down. Let me explain.
Monica: Theres nothing to explain! Goodnight! (Monica makes a move towards their bedroom)
Chandler: Monica! Sit down!
Monica: Are you yelling at me?!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: (surprised) Ok, Ill sit. What is it?
Chandler: Do you know that romantic honeymoon we took? The week in Paris at the expensive hotel in the master suite, dining out every night, you getting whatever you wanted ..
Monica: Yeah. What about it?
Chandler: Phoebe paid for it.
Monica: (shocked) What?
Chandler: Phoebe paid for our honeymoon.
Monica: (still shocked) What?
Chandler: Look, I had spent all of my money on the wedding since my parents didnt contribute a dime. Phoebe found out about it and told me not to worry about paying for the honeymoon. I told her no, but she insisted. We made a promise that we wouldnt tell you cause she didnt want you feeling that you owed her.
Monica: Phoebes real present to us was our honeymoon?
Chandler: Yes.
Monica: I feel like such an ingrate.
Chandler: Im sorry I didnt tell you before, but I made a promise to Phoebe.
Monica: I cant believe this, thats the nicest thing anyones ever done for me, except for you asking me to marry you of course.
Chandler: Of course.
Monica: I have got to see Pheebs. Are you coming?
Chandler: No. I think you should go alone.
Monica: Ill be back.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe is reading on the couch Monica enters)
Monica: Gunther, could I get a nonfat latte? Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: (standing up and hugging Monica) Youre welcome.
Monica: Youre suppose to let me say thank you first. Thanks.
Phoebe: Youre welcome.
Monica: Im sorry I acted like such a bitch.
Phoebe: And a baby.
Monica: And a baby. Look, Im really sorry. I love you Pheebs.
Phoebe: I love you too Mon.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed)
Ross: Joey came to see me today.
Rachel: Were not moving the wedding to accommodate Joey.
Ross: I didnt think so. But let me ask you this, if Monica or Phoebe couldnt be at the wedding, would you postpone it for them?
Rachel: Thats different.
Ross: How is that different?
Rachel: Weddings are more important for the girl than the guy. Its important that the brides bridesmaids are all present.
Ross: So your saying my groomsmen arent important?
Rachel: Not exactly.
Ross: Then what are you saying?
Rachel: Look, do we have to talk about this now?
Ross: Yes we do. I dont wanna go to sleep thinking that my friends are less important than yours.
Rachel: I didnt say that! I just said it was more important for all of the bridesmaids to be there.
Ross: You dont think the wedding day is as special for guys as it is for girls do you?
Rachel: Why are you asking me? Youre the one thats had three wedding days. Were they important to you?
Ross: (getting mad) That knife wont come out of my back.
Rachel: Look, weve sent out the invitations already, its too late. If Joeys gonna be gone, hes gonna be gone. Its not my fault.
Ross: I want to postpone the wedding until Joey can make it. Joeys my friend and its important to me that hes there to stand by my side.
Rachel: Were not moving the wedding, end of story.
Ross: (under his breath) Itd be hard for you to get married if Im not there.
Rachel: What did you say?
Ross: Were postponing the wedding for Joey.
Rachel: (getting very mad) No were not! Were getting married on the 7th and thats final!
Ross: Well have fun marrying air because I wont be there!
Rachel: What?
Ross: You heard me, we move the wedding so Joey can make it or there will be no wedding!
Rachel: Are you threatening me?! Youre gonna call off the wedding? You do this and there will never be another wedding, and oh yeah, were through!
Ross: Call my bluff.
Rachel: Were not moving the wedding!
Ross: Then there is no wedding. Im sorry.
Rachel: Get out!
Ross: Sorry, I left last time. Its your turn.
Rachel: If you let me leave, Im not coming back this time!
Ross: (calmly) Rach, all you have to do is move the wedding. Thats all I want. We can easily get new invitations at my expense. Ill call all of the guests on the list and tell them that there was an error and that the wedding is the 14th. Ill take care of all the other arrangements. If you dont love me enough to do that, then maybe we shouldnt be getting married.
Rachel: I guess youre right, maybe we shouldnt get married. (Rachel, who is crying, leaves Ross sits down and cries)
Closing Credits
THE SET OF LARRY THE LOUNGE LIZARD (Joey is standing in a robe)
Director: Are you ready?
Joey: Yeah.
Director: Alright, disrobe. (Joey does and is naked) Hold on, his equipment isnt ready. Girls, could you get Mr. Tribbiani ready please.
(Two scantily clad women approach Joey and get down on their knees in front of him)
Joey: Whoa, what are they doing?
Director: Theyre getting you ready for the shot. Thats their job.
Joey: Wait a minute, what kind of movie is this?
Director: Its an adult film, didnt the casting people tell you that?
(Cut to Joey who has a look of horror on his face)
Joey: Oh my God, Im the lead in a porno film!
End