Written By: Laura Owen
(Scene: Joey is sitting on the floor of his and Chandler's apartment with the duck and chick and a bunch of ribbons and holly.)
JOEY (in coaxing voice; struggling with the duck): There we go, there we go. C'mon, look at this pretty red bow, don't you wanna wear it?
(Duck quacks angrily)
JOEY: No, you stop that. Look at your brother (camera pans to chick, who has a green bow with a sprig of holly around its neck). Don't you want to look nice like that?
(Duck quacks angrily again)
JOEY: Now come on, you know why we're doing this. Cause we want to make you look all ready for Christmas, now don't we?
(Duck quacks again)
JOEY: And, yeah, it's because I haven't got a job and I'm tryin' to find cheap stuff to do at home all day long. Okay.
(Scene: Central Perk, decorated for Christmas. Everyone except Joey and Phoebe is there.)
ROSS: So y'know, Christmas is coming pretty soon.
CHANDLER: Oh, so that's why there's a huge lighted tree in Rockefeller Center! (hits himself on the head) I was afraid that we were being attacked.
RACHEL: What are we gonna do this year, guys? You know, some of our Christmases have kinda sucked.
CHANDLER: Yeah. Not the Christmases so much, but the presents. (stares straight at Monica)
MONICA: What? I give good presents!
ROSS: Yeah, come on, Chandler, who wouldn't want a Dirt Devil?
MONICA: Look, it was three years ago! Can't you stop trying to get back at me for that?
CHANDLER: It scarred me for life. That big, tall box I'm thinking it's something really great I open it and what is it? A hand-powered vacuum cleaner!
MONICA: Well, now I know better, okay? I'll never give you anything useful again!
CHANDLER: Thank you. I made a list this year, so there won't be any problems with what to get me.
RACHEL: A list?
CHANDLER: (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) Here you go.
RACHEL: (reading) "One of those gigantic candy canes, a car, replacements for everything that was stolen, and a girlfriend." God, even my Christmas lists weren't that long. And I never asked for a person.
MONICA: What about a pony, Chandler?
CHANDLER (seriously): Oh, no. A pony wouldn't get along with the duck and chick.
(Joey bursts into the Central Perk, waving a piece of paper)
JOEY: Guess what, guess what, guess what?
ROSS: Well, I'm not even gonna guess, cause I think you're gonna tell us.
JOEY: Okay, Mr. No Fun. Look at this. (he hands Ross the paper)
ROSS (reading): Needed: Children's Sunday School Christmas Pageant Director. Call 555-4018 to apply Oh, no. You didn't.
JOEY: You are looking at a real director of a real show, folks.
CHANDLER: Well, if real director means you, and real show means a kids' pageant, yeah, I guess you could say that.
JOEY: Plus, I get $500. Can you believe it? I finally have a job. No more making cookies with livestock. (pause) Uh-oh, I gotta find a way to break it to them gently.
MONICA: Joey, how'd you you well, you're not really a Sunday School type.
JOEY: What are you talkin' about? I went to Sunday School every week when I was a kid. Well, yeah, it was cause we had a hot teacher but still.
ROSS (laughs): How'd you get the job?
JOEY: Oh, I lied, said I was a kids' drama teacher. But that's okay, they like it when you lie.
MONICA: Oh. That's why I can't find work, I've been too honest.
JOEY: Yup, there you go.
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone but Phoebe is there, sitting around watching a soap opera.)
JOEY: No, no, Tiffany, don't! He's still alive! He can hear you! Don't tell them that you killed him! Ohhhh. Now she's gonna get busted.
RACHEL: That's what we want, honey. She's bad.
CHANDLER, JOEY, & ROSS (at the same time): But she's so hot!
(Phoebe comes into the apartment, carrying a shopping bag)
PHOEBE: Hey, everyone, what are we watching? Oh. Those shows are for devil worshippers. (sits down on the sofa) C'mon, grab the knife, stab it, stab it! Oh, tomorrow at Palm Tree Boulevard is going to be very exciting.
MONICA (turning off the TV as the show ends): What's in the bag, Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, did you guys ever hear of soap making?
PHOEBE: Oh. Well, guess what I heard of today!
RACHEL: Soap making?
PHOEBE: Wow, you're really good. Want to do it with me?
CHANDLER: I assume we're talking about soap making.
RACHEL: What do you do?
CHANDLER: Well, it's probably different when it's two women.
CHANDLER: Forget it. My mind works differently from other people's.
PHOEBE: See, I read this book, and it tells how to make all these soaps out of other stuff. (pulls box of Ivory soap flakes out of her bag) Mostly other soap. And you put scents and stuff in them. That's what all these little bottles are. See? I got raspberry scent, and blueberry, and green apple, and then I got prune scent, which I know is really gross, but I thought it was lavender.
RACHEL: Oh, wow! We can be like pioneers who actually smell good.
PHOEBE (in excited squeal): Neat!
JOEY (gets up, looks at watch): Hey, I've gotta go. Guess what I have today! My first pageant rehearsal!
ROSS: Good luck!
JOEY: I won't need it! This is gonna be great!
(Scene cuts to Joey standing in front of huge crowd of noisy little kids, trying to get order)
JOEY: Kids! KIDS! (tries to whistle on his fingers, but can't) SHUUTTTTT UPPPPPP!
(The room gets really quiet)
JOEY: Thank you. Now, welcome, everyone. My name is Joum, you can call me Mr. Tribbiani, and I am the director of this Christmas pageant. (smiles, looking pleased with himself) Now, okay, so are all of you here for the pageant?
JOEY: Okay. Now today we're, ah, going to pick parts. So let's see, I have this list of what we need, and the first thing on it is 5-8 shepherds. Joey, in his head: Uh-oh, I forgot what a shepherd is! What is it? Oh yeah, it's that ship guy! Wait, no it's not, that's the pilot. Damn, why didn't I get the S encyclopedia? (Out loud): Who here can tell us all what a shepherd is? You (points to little girl), next to that (stops, gapes at the mom (LUCY) sitting next to the girl) very, very hot mom.
GIRL: It's the man who herds sheep.
JOEY: Oh, yeahI mean, yes, that's right. Now who would like to be a shepherd? (Nobody raises his hand) Come on, shepherds are fun! How come nobody wants to be a shepherd?
BOY: Cause they're boring. All you do is stand around wearing a brown thing.
JOEY: Oh, c'mon, shepherds are like the coolest thing ever!
BOY: No they're not.
JOEY: Yeah they are. Cause cause this year, you, um get to have real sheep. Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be one. (points to a few people) Okay, you five. I'm sorry it can't be more, but I don't know how many real sheep I can get. Okay, now angels
(Scene cuts to Joey and Chandler's apartment, where we now see that the porcelain dog has a wreath around its neck; Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are there.)
PHOEBE: No, you can't just go buy sheep, not in New York City!
JOEY: But it's it's for a church!
PHOEBE: You can't have sheep in a church!
CHANDLER: Yeah, what do you think it is, some kind of livestockery or something?
JOEY: But I have to have sheep. I promised, and I always keep promises!
CHANDLER: Yeah, well, you promised you'd pay me back for your date with Jessica, I don't think you have yet.
JOEY: Yeah, well, I only decided to keep them starting today!
PHOEBE: Look, you are just going to have to tell those kids that they can't have any real sheep. They won't want to be in the pageant anymore and their hearts will be broken, but maybe you could make it up to them by doing something nice.
CHANDLER: Yeah, by hiring someone else to direct the pageant.
JOEY: No! I am going to get sheep, somehow, in some way! And I'm going to stay the director of the pageant!
PHOEBE: Wow, you're really devoted to this!
JOEY: Well, yeah, before I would've quit, but I met this really cute single mom, Lucy, who volunteered to help me out. So ya know, I'm pretty into it now.
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment the next day. Rachel and Phoebe are making soap.)
PHOEBE: Now, let's see. What we do next is melt the soap flakes.
RACHEL: Wow. We're making soap out of soap.
PHOEBE: If this was a hundred years ago, I think we'd be using pig fat.
(Monica comes in)
MONICA: What are you doing? Rachel, is that my William-Sonoma pot? What are you putting in it?
RACHEL: Oh! Um, soap flakes.
PHOEBE: We're melting them, y'know, cause we're making soap.
MONICA: I can't believe you're doing that, it's stupid.
PHOEBE: No it's not, it's, it's arts and crafts.
RACHEL: Do I sense some jealousy, Monica?
MONICA: No! No. Why would I be jealous? My two best friends are doing arts and crafts without me, but why would I be jealous? And if you asked me to help, I'd say no.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, Monica, do you want to help with this?
PHOEBE: Oh wow, I thought you were going to say yes. I was worried that you might be jealous.
MONICA: I'm not. Give me back my pot.
RACHEL: No! It's mine, too, you know, and you are just going to have to share.
MONICA: Who bought it?
RACHEL: Okay, you, but that's that's not how we do things around here! If it was well then you'd have to give me back those fleece socks you're wearing, cause they're mine.
MONICA: No they're not, remember, I bought some like them. See? (holds out her foot)
RACHEL: Nuh-uh .Oh (realizing) Well just let us use the pot!
PHOEBE: Yeah, we're putting soap in, so that's like cleaning it! (looks pleased with herself) Am I right?
MONICA: Fine. Use the stupid pot. (she storms off into her room)
PHOEBE: You know, she said she wasn't jealous, but I think she maybe is, just a little bit, cause geez.
(Scene cuts to church; Joey is helping the kids get ready to leave. Lucy comes up to him.)
JOEY: Now remember kids, ask your moms and dads about the sheep! Okay, good practice today, see you on Friday! (sees Lucy) Hey-hey.
JOEY: Hey, thanks for helping me out with this pageant.
LUCY: Oh, no problem. I think it's going to be pretty good.
JOEY: Well, you know, now that you're helping it should be I mean, you know, with two adults Um Do you wanna get a drink?
LUCY: Oh, I've got Sarah with me (gestures to her little girl across the room), I better not.
JOEY: No, hey, bring her!
LUCY: To a bar?
JOEY: Oh, yeah. I guess not. Well, um, I guess I'll just go home to my empty apartment then.
LUCY: Wait, how about tomorrow night? Are you free?
JOEY (trying to contain his excitement): Well, I'm a little busy but I think I could.
LUCY: Great. I'll meet you at GP's, six?
JOEY (formally): That will be fine. (after Lucy is out of earshot, he begins to excitedly dance around) Eeeeee!
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey, Monica, Chandler, and Ross are sitting around the table; Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter.)
RACHEL: Get ready to be amazed!
MONICA: I don't see why we're getting so excited about soap.
PHOEBE: Monica! This is not just soap. It's soap made by us! Okay, guys, look! (she holds out a tray covered with little soaps) Smell them, they smell good!
RACHEL: Aren't they just the coolest thing you've ever seen?
MONICA: No, I think the shampoo I saw today was a little cooler.
ROSS: Wow, I can't believe you guys made these!
MONICA: Why? It's all they talk about.
PHOEBE: Now you guys can each have some. Here you go. Some of them are a little deformed, and we're not sure why this one is brown. But hey, they're better than anything you ever made. (everyone takes soaps off the tray)
RACHEL: Joey, what are you doing?
JOEY (spitting out soap): Oh. Well, they smelled so good, I thought maybe you could eat them too. Like a cookie, you know, it smells good, you can eat it.
CHANDLER: That's a good rule. Wow, this Lemon-Fresh Pine-Sol smells good, it must be edible.
ROSS: It's a little scary that Joey alone is in charge of 30 kids 2 times a week.
MONICA: Oh, yeah, how's the pageant coming?
JOEY: Well, really good, actually. All the parts are assigned, and we're practicing, and Lucy is really hot! Just one thing, we need costumes. So Chandler, guess what we get to do tonight?
CHANDLER (worried): I'm not going to be here.
JOEY: Well, I guess you're just gonna have to be, cause you are helping me make them!
PHOEBE: You have to make the costumes, Joey?
JOEY: Yeah, Chandler and me. Lucy can't sew.
RACHEL: You can't, either!
JOEY: No, but Chandler can teach me, he knows how! (everyone cracks up)
CHANDLER: Okay, I just want to go over something. Remember when I was sewing the pants and you came in? I told you something. Do you remember what that was?
JOEY: Oh, yeah! "We're out of black thread."
CHANDLER: No! Not that time! I told you, "The fact that I like to sew does not leave this room!"
RACHEL: You like it! (to Monica) Chandler likes knitting.
CHANDLER: Knitting and sewing are two completely different things! (everyone starts to laugh again)
(Scene cuts to Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey and Chandler are sitting in the canoe with a lot of felt, trying to sew costumes.)
JOEY: I thought you said you were good at this!
CHANDLER: Well, all I can do is mend stuff! I can't make stuff! Anyway, mine is better than yours (holds out some brown felt sewn messily together).
JOEY: There weren't any pirates in the Christmas story.
CHANDLER: That's a shepherd!
JOEY: I guess the kids won't care, anyway. Does this look like a dinosaur to you?
CHANDLER: There weren't dinosaurs even back in Bible times, Joe.
JOEY: No, it's supposed to be a donkey, but I keep thinking it looks like a dinosaur.
CHANDLER: Well, that's what I would think it was Where does the kid put his head?
JOEY: (pause) Let's go get Monica.
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment. The whole gang is there except Joey, and Rachel and Phoebe are showing everyone else little bottles.
RACHEL: It's lotion! We made lotion this time! This is not from a store!
CHANDLER: Can we have some?
PHOEBE: Sure! (she hands him one) Here's rose.
CHANDLER: Rose? That's not very manly.
PHOEBE: We only have two manly ones, and they're going to Ross and Joey.
JOEY: This stuff is really cool, guys. How much is it costing you?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, not that much. You know three-hundred dollars
MONICA (sarcastically): Wow, that's money really well spent.
ROSS: Have you guys thought about, like, selling it? That would earn some money back. And it's good. You know, you sold it at Central Perk or something, I bet people would buy it.
MONICA: Who, besides Gunther cause he knew Rachel touched it?
PHOEBE: Oh, wow! Oh, that's a really good idea! Do you think we could, Rachel?
RACHEL: We could try! Oh my god, we'd be like Bath and Body Works!
PHOEBE: Oooh! Except it's like, Rachel and Phoebe Works!
RACHEL (excitedly): Ohhhhhhhhhh! (they dance around)
(Joey comes in)
CHANDLER: Hey, how was the big date?
JOEY: It was great! We went to Spring's, and she was in this dress and it was a tight dress.
RACHEL: So where is she?
JOEY: She had to go, cause she wanted to put her daughter to bed. We're going out again next week.
MONICA: Wow, Joey had a date that didn't end in sex. This could be serious!
JOEY: I know, and it's really weird. I mean, Lucy said she thought it was too soon for us to sleep together, and I still want to see her again. (everyone looks surprised; Joey shrugs) I know!
(Scene cuts to the Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting behind a table covered with their lotions and soaps; Phoebe is talking to a woman.)
PHOEBE: That's right, and they make great Christmas gifts. Or y'know, you can just treat yourself to a couple dozen of 'em!
WOMAN: I'll take one bottle of strawberry lotion.
PHOEBE: All right, but I'd like you to remember that this is the season of giving. Also, they make great Christmas gifts.
PHOEBE: Okay, Scrooge. (taking the frowning woman's money) Here you go, have a cheap day. (to Rachel, as the woman leaves) God, some people!
RACHEL: I know, but we're making (looks in the cash box) Whoa. A lot.
(Chandler and Monica come in)
CHANDLER: Hi! How's business?
RACHEL: We're rich! Look. (holds out the cash box)
CHANDLER: Oh my God. You can actually buy me the stuff on my list.
MONICA (looks in the box): Wow, look at how many singles and pennies you have!
PHOEBE: We're rich, I know! Oh. That wasn't the Christmas spirit.
RACHEL: Look Monica, would you please get over it, okay. I am sick and tired of your rudeness!
CHANDLER: Soon she's gonna be calling you "young lady".
PHOEBE: Yeah. Monica, this is a happy time of year, and you're not being very happy.
MONICA: Damn it, I am too happy! Okay Okay, I know. Look, I'm sorry, but I guess I'm just Well, this will sound stupid. I'm sorry. I think I was a little jealous.
PHOEBE (to Rachel): I told you!
(Scene cuts to the church; the pageant dress rehearsal is taking place.)
JOEY: Shepherds! When the narrator says, "And even the shepherds came, holding their humble gifts and leading their sheep," that's your cue. (five little boys come onto the stage wearing burlap sacks)
BOY: Where's our sheep, Mr. Tribbiani? You said we'd have sheep!
JOEY: Don't worry. I will be getting the sheep.
JOEY: Well, I've got a few days.
LUCY: The pageant's tomorrow!
JOEY: No, it's not. The pageant is in three days.
LUCY: It was in three days at the rehearsal three days ago!
JOEY (laughing, then suddenly stops; groaning): Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(Scene cuts to Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are seated at the table where they sell their beauty products and are surrounded by angry customers.)
CUSTOMER 1: Ladies, I don't know what's wrong, but my soaps turned to mush when they got wet.
CUSTOMER 2: Why is this lotion all watery?
CUSTOMER 3 (dumps wet, oozy soaps onto table): I want my money back!
PHOEBE (looking at Rachel nervously): Obviously, you haven't cared for these fine products correctly. They're not supposed to get wet.
CUSTOMERS: We want our money back! (they start opening the cash box; Phoebe and Rachel look on in dismay)
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's apartment that night. Phoebe and Rachel are sadly telling everyone their story.)
RACHEL: And they were really vicious, and they said some really mean things about our soap. And they took all their money back. Now we just have a lot of crappy old homemade junk.
MONICA: "I told you so" is trying so hard to get out of my mouth, but I'm not going to let it.
ROSS: Sorry, guys. That's really too bad.
PHOEBE: It's okay. Now at least, we know never to try a new hobby again.
JOEY: Hey, if it makes you feel better, I'm having a pretty good day.
CHANDLER: Yeah, except for the small problem of, oh yeah, purchasing some certain farm animals.
JOEY: Wrong! The sheep are all set.
CHANDLER: Oh my god, where did you get them? How ?
JOEY (looking pleased with himself): Well, you'll have to find out tomorrow.
(Scene cuts to the next day, at the church. The pageant audience is seated; Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are in the front row. Joey is behind the scenes directing.)
NARRATOR: And even the shepherds came, holding their humble gifts and leading their sheep.
(The five shepherds walk on stage. Their "sheep" are the duck and chick, on leashes, quacking and peeping loudly. Everyone starts to laugh.)
(Scene: Christmas Day. Everyone is in Monica and Rachel's apartment, exchanging presents.)
RACHEL: And now Phoebe and I have our gifts for you guys.
PHOEBE: Remember, we have like minus $300, so we had to think pretty hard about what to get. (She passes around a big box)
RACHEL: Just take what you want.
CHANDLER: Gee! Leftover soaps and lotions!
RACHEL: Don't use them, or you'll be sorry. They're pretty to look at.
MONICA: Thanks, guys!
PHOEBE: I know, pretty creative, huh? Merry Christmas!