The One With All the Murders

Intro Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is on the couch, totally engrossed in an Agatha Christie novel. Rachel is in the background, serving drinks. Chandler enters and sees Phoebe.

Chandler: (Sneaking up on Phoebe) Boo!

Phoebe: (Jumping and dropping the book) AHH! Oh, oh!

Chandler: Whatcha reading, Phoebs?

Phoebe: What? Oh, it’s like this Agatha Christie thing, you know. About people getting poisoned or hanged or shot or hacked to death with hatchets, but they all live happily ever after in the end.

Chandler: (Picking up the book) I didn’t know you were interested in this sort of thing.

Phoebe: It’s just that I want to get a feel of the thing, you know? I wanna know what it’s all about. You remember my friend Ryan?

Chandler: Yeah, the submarine guy. What, he got himself murdered and now they want you to solve it?

Phoebe: Ooh, that would be fun.... No, no, that’s not it. Oh yeah, he left this thing behind. (She gestures at the table, and we see for the first time that there’s boardgame box on it. The name, "Cluedo" is prominently displayed.)

Chandler: "Cluedo"?

Phoebe: He picked it up in England or something. I think it’s what they call "Clue" over there. You know, with Miss Scarlet and Mr Green and all the rest. Oh, but instead of Mr Green, he’s Rev Green here. Anyway, I wanted to get a feel of the thing....

Rachel: (Stopping behind them) Phoebs, it’s just a board game.

Phoebe: AHH! (Startled again, she jumps and hits her head on Rachel’s coffee pot. Cut to Chandler, who is opening the box. As he does so, a weird golden light comes pouring out. He stares, open-mouthed.)

Chandler: Or maybe not....

Opening Credits: "I’ll Be There For You". The camera seems to have gone haywire and is zooming around everybody like an inebriated bumblebee. We catch glimpses of the Friends fiddling around with various objects. Rachel is holding up a tray containing coffee cups and a large revolver; Monica is polishing an ornate looking dagger; Phoebe has set an incense candle in a candlestick and is trying unsuccessfully to light it; Joey is knocking at a radiator with a wrench; Chandler is holding on to some girl’s skipping rope and looking puzzled; and Ross seems to have found a bit of lead pipe in a pile of dinosaur bones. All of them seem to be dressed in the style of the late 1920’s or early 1930’s. As the song fades out, we see them all on the couch in a park as usual. They turn out the lamp, and the lights go completely out: the whole scene goes dark, and someone screams.

Scene: Central Perk(?). Close up on Phoebe, on the couch, rubbing her head.

Phoebe: Ow... Oh, that smarts.

Rachel: (We don’t see her, we only hear her voice) Oh, oh, you know what, I am so sorry.

Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, it’s just that.... (she sees Rachel and stops. The camera zooms back and we see the whole scene. No, it is not Central Perk, but a nicely-done Victorian drawing room. Rachel is dressed in a peacock-blue evening dress from the 30’s, with sapphires, and she’s holding a large silver teapot. Phoebe looks down at herself. She is wearing a similar dress, except that it’s red and has lots more frills and stuff. Sitting nearby is Chandler, wearing a worn green jacket over a clerical collar. Phoebe stares at the whole scene, and we wait with bated breath for her reaction.)

Phoebe: (Reacting) Wow. Cool.

Chandler: Phoebs, you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Oh wow. Is this like one of those like really far-out fan-fiction things where we get to do all kinds of weird stuff?

Rachel: (putting down the teapot) Oh my god, it’s worse than I thought.

Chandler: Rache, this is Phoebe we’re talking about here. (The doorbell rings)

Phoebe: Okay, so if we’re all still Rachel and Chandler and, umm, me, then I guess I’m alright. (Enter Monica, looking decidedly chic in a well-starched white chef’s outfit.)

Monica: Oh, Rache? Ross and the Colonel are here. (She notices that teapot is set down crooked, and straightens it out.) You touched the teapot, didn’t you? (Exit)

Phoebe: Wha...? The Colonel? Who?

Chandler: Joey? Remember? Colonel Joseph Mustard, who once had this thing for your sister? (Enter Ross and Joey. Ross’ clothes are colour-coded in plum, Joey’s in yellow. Rachel goes to greet Ross with a kiss.)

Rachel: Professor Ross Plum.

Ross: Mrs Rachel Peacock. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: Ooh, I guess I’m not all right.

Chandler: That’s an understatement.

Phoebe: Oh, wait wait wait.... If she’s MRS Peacock, then, like, where’s Mr Peacock?

Rachel: What? Oh, you mean Barry? Uh.....

Joey: He died.

Rachel: (acting somewhat guilty) You can put it that way. (Explaining) Phoebe just had a rather nasty knock to the head.

Ross: Oh, is she, is she concussed? Because you never can tell with knocks to the head.

Joey: Nah, she’ll be fine. I got plenty of knocks to the head during the war, and I’m fine.

Chandler: Now, you know, that explains a lot. (Suddenly, a scream rips through the air. Everybody looks at each other in shock before hurrying out to...)

Scene: The Kitchen. Monica is here, looking not-as-chic-as-before. In fact, she looks decidedly distraught. The others rush in.

Joey: Hey, hey, what is it? (Monica gestures at the floor. We now see some guy lying there with a rope tightly knotted around his neck) Whoa. That looks uncomfortable.

Chandler: Really? Remind me not to try it. (Ross goes over to investigate)

Monica: Ross, what, what are you doing? Don’t! It’s... it’s... icky.

Ross: (Examining the body) Well, he’s been dead quite a while. (Moves the head) Oh. Oh oh oh.

Rachel: What?

Ross: It’s Roger. (Thunderclap.)

Phoebe: What? Roger?

Chandler: Remember? Your creepy psychiatrist ex-boyfriend whom we all hated? (Everybody except Joey turns to stare at him) But who was really quite a nice guy. Really.

Joey: Nah. He was a creep and we all hated him.

Rachel: Shouldn’t we call the police? (As she picks up the phone, the doorbell rings)

Monica: Oh my god oh my god, that’ll be Mom and Dad! If they see this in the kitchen oh my god what will they say we’ve got to hide the body...

Ross: Mon! You’re going hyper-sonic again.

Monica: Okay, okay.... breathing deeply (breathes deeply) Okay, here’s what we’ll do. Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, you find some place to hide the body. Now.

Rachel: (replacing the phone) Or we can do that. (The doorbell rings again)

Monica: Ross, we’ve got to go open the front door.

Chandler: Right, we get to risk our necks disturbing a crime scene, and you get to open a door.

Phoebe: Oh, but shouldn’t we leave him here for the police?

Monica: Phoebe, I’ll die if my folks see this! Do you want me to die? Is that what you want?! Do you WANT to see me die?!

Phoebe: Sir! No, sir! Ooh, oh, deja vu....

Monica: Good. Now move it. (Taking a deep breath) Okay, Ross.... (She and Ross leave the kitchen as the others wonder what to do with Roger’s body.)

Scene: The Hall. Ross has his hand on the door and Monica is straightening her uniform.

Monica: Okay. I’m ready. (Ross opens the door. Jack and Judy Geller are there, though for the sake of this script they shall be referred to as Jack and Judy Plum.)

Jack: Hello.

Judy: What a charming place. Why is your brother opening the door, Monica dear, after all, you’re practically one of the help now.

Monica: Mom, I do the cooking because I’m a trained chef. I know it’s not what you wanted me to be, but....

Judy: (interrupting) Oh, and you’ll never guess who we met in the driveway.... (Carol and Susan appear in the doorway. Susan is carrying Ben.)

Ross: Carol! Susan! Hi....

Monica: Hi....

Carol: Hi.

Susan: We thought we’d drop in, since we were in the neighbourhood.

Ross: Isn’t this, isn’t this just, just a great Plum family reunion.

Carol: Ross, I’m not a Plum anymore.

Judy: Yes.... (to Monica:) And you knew about this?

Monica: (To herself) Sometimes I think I could just kill her....

Scene: The Kitchen. Joey is carrying the body, while the others try to decide where to put it.

Phoebe: Okay, and what would you do with the body?

Chandler: I don’t know! Moving dead bodies isn’t exactly my line of work!

Joey: So, could you decide already? This guy’s heavy!

Rachel: (Looking through the door) Well, we can’t take him out now. The Plums are out there. Oh my god, they’re coming this way!

Phoebe: Okay, okay. Let’s just dump him in this cupboard thingy here.

Chandler: (Opening it and reading the plaque on the door) "Meat Freezer". How oddly appropriate. (Joey struggles to push the body in and, with Chandler’s help, finally manages to get it in. They slam the door shut, leaning against it, just as Judy and Monica come in. Joey and Chandler smile "innocently".)

Monica: ...I really think this is not a good time....

Chandler, Joey, Phoebe & Rachel: (grinning inanely) Hi!

Judy: Well, hi!

Chandler: We’re....

Joey: We’re just....

Chandler: Just leaving! (Chandler and Joey scuttle out of the kitchen.)

Monica: (Under her breath) Like rats deserting a sinking ship.

Phoebe: (Giggling) Oh, Monica, you’re not a sinking ship. (Monica gives her a Look) Okay, keeping quiet now.

Judy: (Who has been examining the kitchen) So, this is where you do your cooking. At least it looks clean enough. (Both Rachel and Phoebe make "Yeah, right, you’re telling me" faces) And what a big meat freezer you have.

Monica: (relieved at Judy’s seeming approval) Yes, it is, isn’t it? (She moves to open it)

Rachel: (moving to block the freezer) BUT that’s not what you came for, is it, Mrs Plum?

Monica: (whispering) Rachel, my mother wants to see the meat freezer.

Rachel: (whispering back) And I think your mother isn’t interested in what’s inside the freezer.

Judy: Is something wrong, Monica?

Monica: (Suddenly understanding) What? No, nothing’s wrong! I was just thinking. You know what, Dad and Carol and, and Susan are in the Lounge right now so why don’t we go and join them. Right now.

Judy: Well, whatever. (Turning to go) Your father was just saying.... Rachel, dear, you know I don’t like to bring up the past, I mean, it was such a short marriage.

Rachel: Ummm...

Judy: But don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll catch that horrible, horrible man who killed Mr Peacock in the Study with the Revolver.

Phoebe: You’re kidding!

Commercial Break

So write me if you liked it, write me if you didn't, I just want to know either way okay? Thank you. Niki.