The One With Joey's Party


Written by: Kathryn

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


(SCENE: Ross & Joey's apartment. This is about 2 months after the last 2 episodes. There are 2 suitcases, and Ross is putting clothes in them)

(Joey comes out of his room)

JOEY: Ross! Are you going away again? You've been away twice since I moved in here! Chandler never used to go away!

ROSS: Relax, it's only for 4 days. I won't be gone too long, and I'm surprised you don't want the place to yourself. You could do anything you want!

(Joey smiles)

ROSS: Except parties. No parties.

(The smile disappears)

JOEY: Not even one teeny tiny party? Not even if it were just me, Chandler, Mon, Rachel and Phoebe?

ROSS: That's not a party. That's…a day.

JOEY: I guess. (pause) Not if there were chips, dips and beer.

ROSS: Yes, it'd be exactly the same as normal

JOEY: How bout if I had a few extra people come round?

ROSS: How many?

JOEY: Five, six, (pause) thirty.

ROSS: No. No way. No parties.

JOEY: But I-

ROSS: No!

JOEY: Not ev-

ROSS: No!!

JOEY: Man! You sure?

ROSS: I'm totally sure.

JOEY: Alright. No parties.

ROSS: I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute.

(He leaves)

(Joey grabs the phone, and dials)

JOEY(to phone): Hey! It's Joey. Look, I'm having a party on Friday night, so you wanna come? (pause) Sure! That's great! Shall we say 9 o'clock? Okay, that's great. (pause) Bye.

(Ross comes out of the bathroom)

ROSS: Hey, Jo.

JOEY: What?! I didn't do anything!!

OPENING CREDITS

(Rachel & Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is just getting through the door, and Rachel is at the fridge)

PHOE: Rachel! I didn't know you'd be home!

RACH: Oh, I came home for lunch. I always do.

PHOE: Oh, yeah.

RACH: What's in the box? (she points to the cardboard box Phoebe is holding)

PHOE: Oh, nothing much. Just something I picked up on the way home from the store.

RACH: Well, let me see!

PHOE: Really? You wanna see it?

RACH: It?

PHOE: Yeah.

RACH: What's "it"?

PHOE: Okay, I'll show you, but promise me you won't freak out or do anything…
 

RACH(suspicious): Freak out?

PHOE: Okay, well, put your hand in the box.

RACH: No way! I am not putting my hand in that box until you tell me what's in there!
 

PHOE: Um, well it's an animal. (thinks) It's small and furry.

RACH: Aw! I like small and furry! (she reaches out and Phoebe holds out the box to her)

(Rachel puts her hand in the box)

RACH: It's kinda hairy. It's moving a lot. It's on my hand! (she pulls her hand out quickly to reveal a tarantula crawling around on her)

(Rachel screams loudly and flicks her hand. The spider goes shooting across the room)

RACH: Ew!!! Ew! Phoebe!!

PHOE: Rachel!!

RACH: What is wrong with you, Phoebe? That's a tarantula! And now it's somewhere in our apartment! (realises, terrified) It's somewhere in our apartment…

PHOE: And that is your fault!

RACH: My fault?! You're the one who bought it! (she jumps onto a sofa)

(Monica enters. She now has a small bump, being 4 months pregnant)

MON: Hey! So Rach, did you wanna tell me why you're standing on the sofa? (rushes over) Oh my god, look at that crease! (she goes to straighten it; almost knocking Rachel off the sofa)

RACH: No! Leave me where I am!

MON: Why?

RACH: Ask Phoebe! She's the one that brought that blood-sucking thing into our apartment!

PHOE: First of all, it doesn't suck blood! Second of all, it's not a thing, it's a tarantula!

MON(shocked): Tarantula?! Where?

RACH: Somewhere in the apartment.

MON: I'll go get Chandler. (pauses) No, never mind.

RACH: Get Joey! He can kill it!

PHOE: He is not killing it! First of all, it's cute and second of all, I paid $300 for it!

RACH: Cute?

MON: $300?

RACH: Well, I'm not moving off this sofa!

PHOE: I'm not getting anyone to kill Terry!

MON: And I'm just gonna leave you guys to it. See ya later.

(She goes to leave)

RACH: Monica! You can't leave me!

(She leaves)

RACH: Well, okay, she can leave me.

(SCENE: Ross and Joey's. Ross has gone, and there are streamers, balloons and packs of food everywhere. Joey is in the middle of it all, writing on a pad)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hey Jo…So, whatcha doin?

JOEY: I'm having a party tonight. You coming?

CHAN(sarcastic): No, I think I'll stay home and watch that documentary on honey bees. (pause) Of course I'm coming! Oh, one second, what about Mon?

JOEY: She's invited. So are Rach and Phoebe. Oh, actually can you call them for me?

CHAN: I'll call Mon first.

JOEY: Okay, but if you're gonna do anything, make sure you go in the bathroom first.
 

CHAN: What? (realises) Joey!

(Chandler picks up the phone, then sets it down)

CHAN: Hey, what does Ross think about this?

JOEY: I'm sure he'd be thrilled if he knew.

CHAN: He doesn't know? Are you crazy? In college, I had a party in his dorm without him knowing. He called the cops on his best friend!

JOEY: Who?

CHAN: Me.

JOEY: Oh…Well, just phone your girlfriend, anyway.

CHAN: Okay, okay.

(He picks up the phone again, and dials)

CHAN: Hey, sweetie. (pause) I'm at Joey's. Look, he's having a party tonight and you're invited. (pause) Great! Tell Rachel and Phoebe too. (pause) What do you mean, no? (pause) A s-spider? (pause) I'll get Joey round. (pause) Okay, honey. Bye. (pause) Love you too.

(He hangs up)

JOEY: Get Joey round where?

CHAN: There's a spider loose in Phoebe and Rachel's apartment. Rachel won't get off the sofa, and for some reason, Phoebe doesn't wanna kill it.

JOEY: Well, it is one of God's creatures.

CHAN: You still gonna kill it?

JOEY: That spider won't have any legs when I'm through with it. (pause) All due respect to God, of course.

CHAN: Oh yeah, of course.

JOEY: Wanna put some chips in bowls?

CHAN(excited): Gimme!!

JOEY: I'm gonna sort out that spider.

CHAN: Okay!

(Joey leaves, Chandler continues to pour chips in bowls for a few seconds. Then he stops, turns on the TV and sits down, eating the chips)

CHAN: Wow! Baywatch!

(SCENE: Outside Rachel & Phoebe's. Joey is standing outside in camouflage gear, and is holding a hammer)

(He runs through the door, and we see Rachel jump, and almost fall off the sofa. Phoebe is not around)

JOEY: You got a spider that wants killing?

RACH: Uh huh. Stupid Phoebe!

JOEY: What did Phoebs do?

RACH: She brought it home! She made me put my hand in the box, and then she shouted at me when I flung it across the room!

JOEY: How big is this spider?

RACH: Well normal tarantula-sized, I guess.

JOEY(terrified): T-t-tarantula? No-one said anything about a t-tarantula! (pause) Anymore room on that sofa?

RACH: Uh-huh. If I slide down a bit and you drop the hammer.

(Joey jumps up on the sofa, and drops the hammer. It falls flat on the tarantula. This bit on the actual show would be shown in slow motion.)

JOEY: Oops. I killed it.

RACH(happy): You killed it!

JOEY: Hey, you wanna come to my party later? You and Phoebs?

RACH: Uh huh! (pause) Oh god, Phoebe. She's going to kill me! Possibly drop a hammer on me!

JOEY: I don't think she'll mind.

(Phoebe enters, with Ross)

PHOE: Hey!

ROSS: Hey, guys. So how's the spider? (he makes dorky scary faces, and Rachel rolls her eyes. She and Joey are now off the sofa)

PHOE: Hey! You're standing! Has it gone?

JOEY: I'm sorry Phoebe. I dropped my hammer on it. (he smiles, then notices Ross) Ross??? (pause, calmer) Ross.

ROSS: Hey Joey. Don't worry, I'm not staying, I just forgot some stuff at the apartment…

JOEY(wide eyes, high pitched): The apartment?! You can't go back there! Chandler's there!
 

ROSS: So? Does Chandler have a disease we don't know about?

JOEY: Would it stop you going back to the apartment?

ROSS: No.

JOEY: Well, uh, why don't I get your stuff for you?

ROSS: Really? That's good of you, Jo!

JOEY: N-no problem! What d'ya need?

ROSS: I nearly forgot my case of fossils!

JOEY: Would that be the really heavy case of fossils?

ROSS: Yup. Thanks a lot, Joey.

JOEY(gritted teeth): No problem.

(SCENE: Joey & Ross's apartment. The party is underway, but Joey is lying on the couch, with an ice pack to his back)

MON: Are you okay, Joey?

JOEY: Not really. (A gorgeous girl walks past) On second thoughts…

(Monica smiles)

JOEY: Anyway, look at you, all pregnant!

MON: It doesn't show that much! (pause) Does it?

JOEY: It makes you look pretty.

(Chandler walks over)

CHAN: Hey, there's a whole room of girls to chat up. Leave mine alone.

(He smiles, and Monica kisses his forehead)

MON: Don't worry. I'm all yours.

(Phoebe and Rachel walk over)

PHOE: Hey guys!
 

RACH: How's your back, Jo? (looks at Monica) Wow, Mon, you look great in that dress. Where did you get it?

CHAN: I bought it for her. From Macy's.

PHOE: Macy's? Wow, you must be rolling in money!

CHAN: Not really. I just love Mon, that's all.
 

JOEY: Aw… You know, Chandler, you have gotten so sensitive!

RACH: What's wrong with that?

JOEY: Nothing, I guess. (pause) Do women like sensitive? (he thinks) Hm…

(Ross enters, and he is gobsmacked when he sees the party in full swing)

ROSS: Oh my god! Joey!!

JOEY: Tell me that isn't Ross standing there.

PHOE: No, no, it's him.

ROSS: Okay, everybody out! Go on! Get out! (The guests leave in a hurry, and Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler try and sneak out with them) Not you four! You guys and Joey stay right here!

(The four sit down next to Joey, who has sat up. They all look incredibly guilty)

ROSS: How could you do this? I trust you for 4 days, and the only thing I ask you not to do is have a party! But you have one anyway!

CHAN: We didn't kn-

ROSS: I don't wanna hear it, Chandler! I'm just as disappointed in you. (he turns to Monica) And my sister!

MON: Hi.

ROSS: And my ex-girlfriend! And my...Phoebe! (he turns to Joey) And you, you're the most disappointing of all! I'm gonna leave you guys to think about this!

(He storms off into his room, and slams the door. The others wince as he does this)

RACH: Wow.

PHOE: I know!

CHAN: God Joey, your dad's really mean!

(END SCENE: Central Perk. A few days later, and the gang are sitting down talking, minus Phoebe)

ROSS: I'm sorry you guys. I didn't mean to overreact.

RACH: Well, you did! (pause) Sorry.

MON: So, Ross, how did your trip go?

ROSS: Oh, it was great! We looked at dinosaurs from all eras, from Triassic to the other side of evolution!

JOEY: Did anyone understand that?

ALL: No/not really.

(Phoebe enters, with another box)

PHOE: Hey! (she sits down next to Rachel)

RACH: Woah! Keep that box away from me!

PHOE: No, it's cute! This time it's really cute.

RACH: What is it?

(Phoebe opens the box and pulls out a brown and white hamster)

RACH: Aw!!

MON: Oh, isn't it cute?

PHOE: I know! I called it Scrabble.

RACH: Scrabble? I'm not having a hamster called Scrabble.

PHOE: Okay, well what should we call it?

JOEY: How about Super Rodent?

ROSS: Call it Dinoboy.

RACH: Oh, I know! Bloomingdale!

CHAN: Why don't you just call it Hammy?

(Everyone looks thoughtful)

PHOE: I like Hammy.

RACH: Yeah, it's sweet.
 

MON: Yeah! Chandler, you are so smart! (she kisses him)

CHAN(proud): Well…

PHOE: Hammy it is!

ROSS: I still like Dinoboy.

END