Written by: John Noonan
Author’s note: Okay, a special episode here. This was written for an audience of 1. However, I was quite pleased with the results and so eight months after I wrote I have decided to put it up on the Internet. As you know there were six friends, but there was also a seventh and an eighth. There was Kip and Jessica Hughes. Jessica was rarely around due to her job and later moved during the first season. This episode takes place in season five.
First things first though. I do not own the characters of Friends. They belong to Marta Kauffman, Kevin Bright and David Crane.
So.........yeah!
All scenes are shot as if through a camcorder.
Int. Central Perk. Day.
(CHANDLER’s face is right up into the screen. He pulls away and we see that he is sat on the couch. CHANDLER clears his throat. As he talks we see JOEY walk pass the back of the couch and sit down next to CHANDLER.)
Chandler: Well, it’s nearly been five years since you left and I thought it would be great if I take this camera and make a video for you.
Joey: What you doin’?
Chandler: Making a film for Jessica. It’s been about four or five years now since she left for Chicago.
Joey: Ah, Jessica! That’s the girl who kicked you out of her dorm naked and in front of half of your class.
(CHANDLER grimaces.)
Chandler: No! But thanks for bringing back the memories.
(CHANDLER looks off distantly to his right.)
Chandler: I became Chandler and his dangler for two years.
(There’s static before we change scenes. This will be reffered to as STATIC)
Ext. Monica and Rachel’s. Day.
(We go through the door into...)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Day.
(ROSS is sat watching TV. The camera goes around the door and we see PHOEBE and MONICA at the breakfast table. The camera points to each person as CHANDLER mentions them.)
Chandler: (OS) You remember Ross, Monica and Phoebe...
(Everyone turns to face the camera and say their various hellos.)
(RACHEL walks out of her room.)
Chandler: (OS) You remember Rachel!
Rachel: Oh, hey. Is this for Jessica?
Joey: (OS) Yeah.
Rachel: Hi! I know we didn’t know each other that well, but I just wanted to say thanks for lending me your shoes all those times and I am looking after them as we speak.
(RACHEL walks over to the kitchen.)
Joey:(OS) Gimme the camera!
Chandler: (OS) Why?
Joey: (OS) Just gimme!
(The picture shakes as as the camera is passed from CHANDLER to JOEY. As this is going on RACHEL has opened the fridge and bent down.)
Chandler: (OS) Please don’t...
Joey: (OS) And THIS....
(The camera focuses on RACHEL’s butt.)
Joey: (OS) Is Rachel’s ass!
Chandler: (OS) Gimme that!
(The picture shakes again. RACHEL has turned around.)
Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?
(JOEY walks into frame.)
Joey: I’m just helping. I heard Jessica was a lesbian.
Ross: (OS) No!
(The camera pans over to where ROSS is sat.)
Ross: Joey, Jessica isn’t a lesbian.
(JOEY walks into frame again.)
Joey: Then who is?
Everyone: No one.
Joey: (Pleading) But couldn’t we pretend we’re talking to a lesbian. Monica! Rachel! Put on a show!
(Pan over to RACHEL and MONICA looking disgusted. PHOEBE stands up excitedly.)
Phoebe: Ooo, can I join in? I like shows. What kind of show?
MONICA and RACHEL look at her as if to say “Hello?”.
Phoebe: Oh. (Realising) OH! (Disgust) EWWWWWWW, JOEY!
STATIC
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Day
(The camera is focused on the older and wiser Duck and Chick. Otherwise known as Yasmine and the unnamed duck. They are quacking and whatever it is that chicks do.)
Joey: (OS) Translation; We’re a new addition to the family. We’re Chandler and Joey’s new room mates.
(The chick and duck begin their noise frenzy again.)
Joey: (OS) We’ve been here a while and we have something to say....
(More quacking and the such like.)
Joey: (OS) Monica and Rachel should put on a show.
Rachel/Monica: (OS) Joey!!!
(Yasmine and the duck run away.)
Joey: (OS) Aw, look, you got them all upset.
STATIC.
Int. Central Perk. Night.
(The camera is focused on PHOEBE sitting on the stage with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Okay, I wrote a song for you called “The wonder that is you!”
Rachel: (OS) Didn’t you write that song for your boyfriend Derek.
Phoebe: Um, yeah, but I just swapped the names around. This does mean that I have nothing to rhyme with “generic”. (Beat) Oh, and I had to remove the verses about love making.
(JOEY walks into frame.)
Joey: Aw, did you have to?
(JOEY faces the rest of the gang who are obviously behind the camera.)
Joey: Am I the only one playing the “Jessica is a Lesbian” game?
Everyone: YES!
Joey: (Upset) Okay! No need to shout!
(He begins to blub and MONICA and RACHEL run on stage to hug him. With their backs to the camera JOEY gives the thumbs up the lens.)
STATIC.
Int. Ross’ apartment. Night.
(ROSS is at his desk with his back to the camera. He spins around to face the camera, but instead he does a full circle back to the desk. He turns around again slowly.)
Ross: Hi! Seeing as everyone is contributing something to this video I thought I would contribute something a little bit special.
Joey: (OS) Way to go Ross!
Chandler: (OS) OH! Will you please stop with the sex jokes!
Ross: Anyway, I thought I would write you a little speech.
(ROSS automatically produces a couple of hundred index cards. All have writing on them. Back AND front.)
Chandler: (OS) Oh god.
Ross: I hope this okay with you Chandler.
Chandler: (OS) Yeah, but, um, I’ll have edit some of it. Y’know, so that Jessica isn’t overwhelmed by the ferocity of your writing.
(ROSS smiles)
Ross: Good idea. My ferocity has been known to have some women quaking in their boots.
(He stands up)
Ross: Anyway, Jessica, when I...
(The speech is immediately cut off.)
Int. Ross’ apartment. Night
(JOEY is stood in front of the camera in one of ROSS’ suits.)
Joey: Hi, I’m Ross! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, DINOSAURS, BLAH, BLAH, Rachel, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
(ROSS walks in from the bathroom.)
Ross: What are you doing?
(JOEY panics and runs straight into the camera.)
STATIC
INT. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.
(ROSS is sat at the kitchen table.)
Ross: (Irritated) Well, I just found out what Joey and Chandler did and so THEY thought it would be a good idea to let me continue where I left off. (Looks off screen) Right guys?
(We hear mumbling from the back.)
Chandler: Yes, Mom
Ross: Okay, now, Jessica, I feel I should be on this tape because of what happened between us. (Smiles) You remember? That time at Chandler’s Party! What you and I shared was special. It was a shared moment.
(He does the hand movement used by Ben Affleck in “Chasing Amy” to show a shared moment.)
Ross: When we came together, we became one.
Joey: (OS) Er, Ross?
Ross: What?
(JOEY kneels down next to ROSS and whispers in his ear. He walks off leaving ROSS looking bewildered.)
Ross: Apparently, that wasn’t you. Apparently, that was Gunther’s Aunt. (Beat) I’m just going to go an vomit. Excuse me.
(ROSS gets up and leaves the table.)
STATIC
Int. Monica and Rachel. Day.
(MONICA, RACHEL and JOEY are sat around the table.)
Monica: For our part of the tape we thought we would tell funny stories.
Joey: I have one.
Monica: Okay, Joey. You first.
Joey: Okay, this happened to a friend of mine. He was going out with this really nice girl. They’d been going out for a year and yet they hadn’t...y’know. Anyway, my friend put this down to fact that her father was a priest. However, one day she invited him around to her flat for no apparent reason. So, he goes around and before he even gets into the apartment, they’re......
Rachel: Y’knowing?
Joey: Yeah. Naturally, he fell asleep and when he woke up he found that his girlfriend was missing. However, he could hear the radio coming from the living room outside the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and so he thought he’d have a little bit of fun. So, still naked, he puts on this Barney mask and begins to walk back and forth past the door.
(MONICA and RACHEL are looking a bit disturbed.)
Joey: As he’s doing this he’s singing the Barney song. Y’know, “I love you, You love me, we’re a happy family”. There’s no reaction and so he does it again. Still no reaction. Sensing a problem he takes off the mask and pops his head around the door. There, frozen to the couch was his girlfriend and her parents who had popped round for a visit.
(JOEY bursts out laughing. RACHEL and MONICA don’t.)
Rachel: That happened to you didn’t it?
(JOEY stops laughing.)
Joey: (Solemnly) Yes, yes it did.
(RACHEL and MONICA burst out laughing.)
Joey: Oh, so it’s funny when I’m involved.
STATIC
INT. Central Perk. Day.
(Once again, Chandler’s face is right in your face. He pulls back and we see that everyone is gathered around the couch.)
Rachel: Okay, well, we hope you enjoy yourself whether it is that you are and good luck in whatever it is that you’re doing!
Monica: You got a way with words Rach!
Chandler: Good luck in the future and I hope everything that you want to happen happens.
Ross: His aunt?!
Joey: See ya, Jessica! When I look at your apartment I shall think, “hushed and still, I could swear that the house was not an empty shell but lived and breathed as it had lived before.”
(The whole gang look at JOEY.)
Joey: What?! Oh, so I can’t even quote from a piece written by Daphne du Maurier.
Chandler: Okay, then!
Rachel: Say, Chandler, did you use a new cassette for this?
Chandler: Yeeeah. Why?
Monica: The camera just looks really old.
Chandler: What? Are you trying to say that I’m attempting to tape over another tape!
Monica: No.
Chandler: That’s okay then.
STATIC.
EXT. A house. Day.
(We see a young CHANDLER stood behind a bar-b-q. He looks about 20. He has on a “Kiss the Cook” apron and a “kill me now” look.)
Male Voice: (Camp) Go stand with your father.
Chandler: Why?
Male voice: (OS) Go on now, silly.
(We follow CHANDLER as he goes and stands next to his father. The frame shakes.)
Male voice: (OS) Let me just balance this thing.
Mr Bing: Don’t you break that now!
Male voice: (OS) I won’t!
(The frame finally steadies and a man comes running into frame. He and Mr Bing put their arms around CHANDLER.)
Mr Bing: Smile and say “Chandler’s second family.”
(Freeze frame on Chandler’s grimace.)
THE END
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