"The One With the Really Big Mess"
Written by Emily T. Handler
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me but to Bright, Kauffman, and Crane Productions, NBC, and Warner Bros. I mean no infringement and make no profit. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Note: This is the first fanfic Ive ever written! Im very proud of it and people I know have seemed to enjoy it, so Im putting it online. It takes place immediately after "The One With the Last Night," and is the first episode in my Alternate Season Six. I hope you like it, but if you dont- Please be kind, Im new at this. I have a long list of people to thank. If you dont care, scroll down to where the script starts.
* Ann, who is my Phoebe, my best friend, and also a very special and wicked person.
* Lee, who is my Gunther (but would rather be Fun Bobby) and my #1 fan in that even if this fanfic were really bad, he would have said it was good.
* Laura, who is my Rachel, and one of the first people to read this. Sorry I got you hooked on the show, but thanks for obsessing over it with me.
* Carrie, who is my other Phoebe, and the other first person to read this. Thanks for playing along.
* Conrad, who is my Chandler in every way, down to his perfectly executed Chandler Dance.
* My Friends friend Joey, whose name isnt Joey.
* Lees brothers, Erk, who gave me trivia when Joey was unavailable.
* Shara, who is constantly disturbing my birds, but laughed out loud when she read this.
* Carol, who is my other Rachel, but whose heart belongs to another show.
* Jules, who also writes fan fiction.
* And poor, dear Bonnie Jean, who didnt understand what laundry was.
Opening Scene: Rachel and Phoebes apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are there. There are a few boxes lying around.
Rachel: Well, Im pretty much all unpacked. Dya wanna go to the coffeehouse?
Phoebe: No! Cause now its time for the Grand Tour!
Rachel: But Phebes, I know where everything is around here-
Phoebe: No, silence! See, you may think you know this apartment, but there is more to it than meets the eye. I can show you the, yknow, Finer Points of the apartment on the Grand Tour!
Rachel: Like what?
Phoebe: Like, um, see that crack in the ceiling that looks like a turtle?
(They both look upwards)
Rachel: Oh, yeah!
Phoebe: And...this cabinet (she goes to a cabinet) is completely filled with Aromatherapy stuff. So dont ever think theyre something else and put them in food. Cause I did that once...I dont wanna talk about it... And, oh yeah, there are goblins around here who, yknow, steal your keys and stuff.
Phoebe: Yeah, I doubted it at first too, but is there any other logical explanation?
(Cut to Monica and Chandlers. They are in the kitchen. Monica has a clipboard in hand and is pointing to cupboards and drawers as she speaks.)
Monica: And this is where we keep the silverware, and pots and pans go here, and glasses go here but glassware goes here. Got it?
Chandler: Does it matter?
Monica: Not all that much.
Chandler: (begging) Can we please go to the coffeehouse now?
Scene One: Central Perk. All present; Rachel and Phoebe are just entering.
All: Hey! Hi! etc.
Rachel: Hey, Mon. It turns out I miss you and your phone pen.
Monica: Yeah, and I miss you and you 147,000 pairs of boots.
Chandler: (to Joey) I miss you too, man.
Joey: I miss you too.
Chandler: And I miss the chick and the duck.
Joey: And I miss the big white dog!
Phoebe: I miss Denise!
Ross: And I am all alone!
Monica: Well, Chandler and I would love to hang around, but we have some laundry to do at our apartment. Right, Chandler?
Chandler: No, I dont think- (Monica gives him a look)- Oh! I believe we just might!
(Exit Monica and Chandler)
Rachel: Yeah, I have to go do my laundry, too. (The others look at her, confused.) Real laundry.
Phoebe: Yknow, Rach, you dont have to do your laundry now if you dont want to.
Rachel: But wont Monica-
Phoebe: Yes, but you dont live with her anymore. So she cant tell you what to do.
Rachel: (pauses) Really?
Rachel: Hm. (She sits back down, puts her feet on the table and picks up a magazine.)
Scene 2: Joeys Apartment. Joey is there. There is a knock at the door. Joey gets it; its Eddie (dun-dun-dunn)!
Joey: Can I help you?
Eddie: Yeah, I heard you were looking for a roommate.
Joey: Oh, yeah. You look familiar. Do I know you?
Eddie: No, I dont think so.
Joey: Okay. Name?
(It suddenly dawns on Joey who this is)
Joey: Oh my God! Get out of here! Out!
Eddie: So when can I move in?
Eddie: Tomorrow would work for me.
Joey: Youre insane!
Eddie: Thank you! See ya tomorrow!
(Eddie exits; Joey looks terrified.)
(Cut to Chandler and Monicas. Monica is washing dishes. Chandler is sitting on the couch.)
Monica: Wheres number 19?
Monica: Coffee cup number 19! Where is it?!
Chandler: Calm down. Its right here. (He points to a cup on the coffee table.)
Monica: Chandler, please tell me theres a coaster under that cup.
Chandler: Doesnt look like it...
Monica: (picks up the cup) Oh my God! Water ring! (She turns to Chandler) How could you let this happen?!
Chandler: Are you going to kill me?
Joey: Chandler, you gotta help me!
Chandler: What? Did you accidentally agree to do gay porn again?
Joey: No, no. This is totally different.
Chandler: What is it?
Joey: Do you remember your psycho ex-roommate Eddie?
Chandler: Wait, let me think a minute, because Ive had so many psycho ex-roommates. Yes!!
Joey: Was getting rid of him hard?
Chandler: Let me see- I had to move his stuff downstairs, change the locks, and pretend I didnt know him. Do you think that sounds hard?
Joey: More so than Id like to think...
Joey: Cause I think he may be moving in with me tomorrow.
Joey: Yeah, he came to be interviewed and I told him to leave and he said he could move in tomorrow! Then I said he was insane and he seemed to enjoy it!
Chandler: What are you gonna do?!
Joey: Dude! Thats what Im asking you!
Chandler: I guess youll have to change the locks again.
Joey: I cant afford new locks! I cant even afford new socks!
Chandler: Could you, if you had a box? Could you, could you with a fox?
Joey: Monica, what do you think?
Monica: (still inspecting the water ring) Joey, I have bigger problems here!
Joey: (to Chandler) Is she going to kill you?
Scene Three: Rachel and Phoebes. Rachel and Phoebe are present. Rachel is wiping off a table.
Phoebe: You dont need to do that.
Rachel: But I ate lunch on here.
Phoebe: But Im not Monica. So you dont need to do that.
Rachel: Oh! Youre right. Its just that after youve lived with her for so long, it gets to be habit.
Phoebe: I know. It was the same when I stopped living with her. You just need to get over her and move on.
Rachel: I know. But its so hard! (getting choked up) I have to see her and talk to her every day like we never had anything special together!
Phoebe: Yeah. Its hard to be friends after youve been- roommates.
Rachel: I keep telling myself that it was for the best, yknow, because she obviously wanted me to move out! But I cant help thinking that- we were meant to live together!
Phoebe: Aw. You know what you should do to get over Monica?
Phoebe: Make a really huge, giant mess!
Rachel: And... how would I go about doing that?
Phoebe: Just, yknow, dont clean anything up.
Rachel: Ah. I had forgotten. (She takes a crumbled-up piece of paper out of her pocket) So, I just drop this on the floor (she does so )...and dont pick it up?
Phoebe: Thats a start!
Rachel: Yay! Look at me! (pauses in continuation of making a mess) Im making a mess for the first time in six years! (She throws all kinds of stuff on the floor; Phoebe helps.)
Scene Four: Joeys apartment. Joey is pacing around nervously. Chandler enters.
Chandler: Hey, man.
Joey: Hey. Arent you and Monica supposed to be doing something girly, or something?
Chandler: Oh, we were. Ive been learning to crochet for the past (looks at his watch) two hours. Im taking my hourly six-minute break.
Joey: Well, Eddie could be moving in any minute, so youll have to choose between your psycho girlfriend and your psycho ex-roommate.
Chandler: Im gonna go find a place to hide.
Joey: Good call.
(Exit Chandler. The birds start make noise.)
Joey: (to birds) Okay guys, there is a crazy man coming to live here. I need you to not make any sudden sounds or movements. (The buzzer sounds suddenly. Joey jumps. In reply to buzzer:) Who is it?
Eddie: (through buzzer) Its me, roomie!
Joey: Come on up! (to chick and duck) Now remember, should something happen to me, I love you guys. Dont be scared- (knock at the door) Save yourselves! (He shoves the birds into his room and closes the door. He answers the door; Eddie is there, holding a fish bowl and a box labeled "Fruit Dehydrator." Joey pretends to be calm.) Hey...Eddie. Wheres the rest of your stuff?
Eddie: Oh! Okay, thats a funny story. Okay, so I break up with my girlfriend, and it feels like she has ripped out my heart and is sitting on it, yknow? And then, she throws all my clothes out the window, and keeps the rest of my stuff, except for my fruit dehydrator and my fish. (He is laughing like what he just said was an incredible joke.)
Joey: (freaked out) Umm...
Eddie: (holding up a fishbowl with no fish in it) This is my fish. Hes invisible.
Scene Five: Phoebe and Rachels. It is now incredibly messy. There are piles of stuff covering the floor. Rachel is sitting on the nearly submerged couch, reading a magazine. Monica enters. She is horrified because, well, shes Monica.
Monica: (in shock) Oh my God! What happened?!
Monica: Was there a break-in?! A natural disaster?! Did the state decide to make your apartment a landfill?!!
Rachel: (looking around) Oh, all this? I just made a big mess.
Monica: "Big mess?" Try "gigantic mess!"
Rachel: Okay. I just made a gigantic mess.
Monica: (exasperated) Why?
Rachel: I just felt like it.
Monica: You "just felt like it?!"
Monica: Are you feeling okay?
Rachel: Monica, I just made a mess. Whats the big deal? (Monica starts to pick things up.) No! Drop it! (Monica does so.) This is my apartment and if I want it to be a mess, it can be a mess! Okay?!
Monica: Fine! If you want to live like- like- Joey- thats just fine with me!
Monica: And Im not gonna clean it up.
Monica: Not even of you beg.
Rachel: Monica, if you cant stand to see a big mess, you dont have to come here. I know you have a thing about being clean-
Monica: No! No, Im fine with it! I mean, some things dont have to be clean. If this is what you want, then its okay with me.
Rachel: Oh, Mon, thats so great! I was hoping youd say that!
Monica: Id hug you, but... I cant get over there.
Rachel: Thats okay. (She jumps over piles of stuff and hugs Monica.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe, Ross, and Chandler are there. Chandler is watching TV. Ross and Phoebe are in the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Have you decided if youre going to tell Rachel you re-love her?
Ross: I do not re-love her!
Phoebe: Youre in denial.
Ross: I am NOT!
Chandler: Whatre you guys talking about?
Phoebe: Okay. Ross has read this book, like, 400 times, and I told him that he might want to buy it.
Chandler: That makes sense.
Phoebe: Yes! Yet Ross denies still loving this book.
Chandler: Well, that happens.
Phoebe: Cant you just pick a side?! Should he go for it with the book or not?! He obviously still loves the book! But the book is over him! So he should just get over the book, right?!
Chandler: (after a pause) I think you should both get help.
Phoebe: Well, if he doesnt decide soon, I may have to decide for him.
Ross: God, Phoebe, for the last time, I DO NOT RE-LOVE HER!! (glances at Chandler, who is staring at him) -cules. The book Hercules is the book.
Monica: Phoebe, I was just at your apartment.
Phoebe: Oh. Oh no. (The trademark Phoebe "oh no.")
Monica: Are you aware of its state of monumental, hazardous, disgusting filth?
Phoebe: (confused) What? Oh, you mean the big mess we made.
Monica: Hm. "We." When you say "we" I get the impression that you both made the mess. Did you both make the mess, Phoebe?
Monica: One question: Are you crazy?!
Phoebe: Stop it, youre scaring me! Look, if Rachel wants to make a mess, she can! Youre...not the boss of her!
Monica: Sorry. I may be getting a little carried away. Im just wierd about some stuff like that.
Chandler: (glances at his watch) Its Baywatch time! (He turns the TV on.)
Monica: Oh no, you are not watching that in my apartment!
Phoebe: Stuff like that?
(Cut to Joeys. Eddie is showing off his dehydrated fruit.)
Eddie: And this used to be a watermelon! Can you believe that?!
(the oven timer goes off.)
Joey: Its Baywatch time!
Eddie: Hey, wait, I was talking to you! Shouldnt you listen when people talk to you?! (He stands up, holding the dried watermelon menacingly in one hand.)
Scene 6: Chandler and Monicas. Everyone is just sitting around. Rachel enters.
Rachel: Okay, you are all invited to my new place for a kinda house warming get-together thing.
Phoebe: (annoyed) And when were you planning on telling me about this?
Rachel: Right then, when I did.
Phoebe: (actually fine with that) Oh. Okay.
Rachel: So you can all come, right?
Monica: So I guess since youre having people over, youre going to be cleaning your dump. I mean apartment.
Monica: (not fine) And Im fine with that.
(Suddenly Eddie bursts into the room with his fish bowl. Chandler dives behind the couch to hide.)
Eddie: (pointing at Joey) You! You killed my fish!
Joey: I didnt kill your fish!
Eddie: Dont play innocent with me! I mean, hes obviously not there!
Joey: Hes imaginary! He was never there!
Eddie: He was there when I left this morning!
Joey: He was something you created in your twisted mind!
Eddie: What are you trying to say man? (his watch beeps) Its time for me to go shopping! Arent these beeping watches cool?
(He exits. There is a short pause)
Joey: So, you all remember Eddie?
Scene 7: Rachels get- together thing. All are present. Joey is walking to the kitchen with some trash.
Rachel: Whoa, whoa, Joey. Whatcha doin with that trash?
Joey: I was gonna throw it away.
Rachel: No-no-no, Joey. That is not what we do with trash here.
Joey: What do we do with trash here? (Rachel takes the trash and drops it on the floor.) Oh. Okay.
(Cut to Monica and Chandler who are sitting on the couch. Monica keeps almost cleaning.)
Chandler: What are you doing?
Monica: Im sorry. I just cant control myself. Its too much. (She starts to reach for something, but slaps her hand.)
Chandler: Just try to ignore it.
Monica: Gee, yknow, that would be kind of hard when everywhere I look, its there!
Chandler: Okay, I think youve had enough. Im gonna tell Rachel were leaving.
(Chandler goes over to Rachel, passing Phoebe and Ross, who are arguing.)
Phoebe: Do too.
Ross: Do not.
Phoebe: You do too.
Ross: I so do not!
Rachel: (to Chandler) What are they fighting about, anyway?
Chandler: Something about a book he may or may not love.
Chandler: Im sorry, but we have to leave now. Its getting late, and I have a meeting to prepare for-
Rachel: Monicas losing it, isnt she?
Chandler: And then theres that.
Ross: (to Phoebe) For the last time, I do NOT!
Phoebe: Okay, Ross, calm down. (Under her breath) Do too. (She walks over to Joey) Hey Joey, whats wrong?
Joey: Ive got to figure out a way to get rid of Eddie.
Phoebe: Well, youre an actor. You have a creative mind. Just do something creative and actor-y.
(Joey looks like he has an idea.)
Scene 8: Joeys place. Joey is there. Eddie enters with a shopping bag.
Eddie: Hey! Guess what?! I got five dozen kiwis and we get to dehydrate them! We can have, like, a dehydrating party!
Joey: (pretending to be excited) Great!
(Phoebe enters from Joeys room)
Phoebe: And cut! Thats a wrap people! You can go home now.
Eddie: What? Whats going on?
Phoebe: Hi, Im Regina Phalange, and Ive been directing this movie.
Eddie: Movie? I dont understand?
Phoebe: Yeah, its called (thinks) "The Scary Rommate Project." We took two complete strangers, made them roommates and taped their movements every day. You and Mr. Tribbiani here got the roles.
Eddie: (to Joey) Did you know about this?
Joey: (putting on a shocked face) Im as shocked as you are!
Phoebe: Okay, so just give me your keys and be on your way, movie star.
Eddie: Wow, um, okay. (He gives her his keys and heads towards the door)
Phoebe: You too, Tribbiani. Shows over.
(Joey hands her his keys and walks to the door behind Eddie. When Eddie has exited he shuts the door and turns back.)
Phoebe and Joey: (jumping up and down) Yay! Yes!
Closing Scene: Chandler and Monicas. Monica is on the phone with Rachel.
Monica: Yeah, Rach, Im sorry. I know I was being stupid. If you want to keep your apartment the way it is, Im really okay with it. Really. I promise, Ill never freak out about it again. Hey, dont you have to leave for work in, like, 2 minutes and 13 seconds? I thought so. Bye.
(She grabs a broom bucket, mop, and trash bag and heads for the the door.)
Chandler: So never again begins when?
Monica: Im thinking in a week, or a month, or never!