The One With the Aliens
Note: Before you start reading, I would like to point out certain things.
December 1998
By :Alex Tsagalidis
[Monica and Rachel's . All are there except Monica and Chandler]
RACH: I still can't believe it. Mon... OUR Mon with OUR Chandler!
ROSS: [Interrupting] Rach! Please...! I have a hard time dealing with it as it is! I don't need a news bulletin, of yesterdays very unsettling news, every single minute! ...Can we PLEASE talk about anything else?
RACH: ...Sorry Ross!
ROSS: Thank you!
JOEY: [Under his breath]...If you're gonna be a baby about it.
[Ross glares at him angrily. Joey sheepishly draws back. Ross starts eating his cereals.]
PHOE: Ooo... Ooo... I got it! [With a triumphant expression] What do you think they're doing right now?
[Ross's cereals come out from his nose! He starts to cough and Joey pats him on the back.]
OPENING CREDITS
[Monica & Rachel's, immediately after we cut off]
ROSS: [Really mad] PHEEBES ! Are you trying to kill me! ...I clearly said [raising his voice] I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
PHOE: I thought you meant ... about ... the ... about... I mean... we haven't talked about their ... sex life. That's a different subject ... than the... Oh forget it!
[Ross is looking with an "I can't believe what I'm hearing" expression]
ROSS: [trying to be calm] Look ... I'll say this clearly this time. I DO NOT want to hear about my sister and Chandler again! [calming down a bit. Softly] I mean... don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. ...I really am. Chandler is a good and honest guy. He is worthy of my sister. I actually can't think of another guy, who would be more suitable for my sister! But ... I just don't want to see or think of them together and... you know...
[Joey motions to Ross "go on"]
ROSS: [mildly annoyed by Joey] ... doing stuff...
[Joey nods as he finally realizes what Ross meant]
JOEY: Sorry Ross! I understand man...
PHOE: Sorry... It won't happen again!
ROSS: Look... I just want you to not talk about them, at least not when I'm in the room. I need time to get used to it.
[Phoebe gets up, walks towards the balcony and goes out. Then she puts her head back in.]
PHOE: [all excited] GUYS come quick! You've GOT to see this!
[Everybody get up and head for the balcony. Rachel and Joey go out, but as Ross tries to go out Phoebe stops him!]
PHOE: Sorry ... not you Ross!
ROSS: What! ... Why?
PHOE: Duh... Because you weren't born on a full moon.
ROSS:[Looking at her blankly] And that's bad, why?
PHOE: It's not bad you just can't see the, the [with a face full of pride] THE THING!!
[Ross just stands there, unable to believe what he's hearing]
PHOE: Sorry honey... you're just unlucky.
[Phoebe leaves Ross and goes out to join the others. Then we hear from outside.]
PHOE: So... about Chandler and Monica...
[cut to Ross. He raises an eyebrow upon hearing that. Then we hear from outside again]
JOEY: Pheebs don't change the subject. I want to see THE THING!!!
[Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are lying on the bed cuddling]
CHAN: You know what... While I was sleeping yesterday, this bed told me that it liked you the best!
[Monica smiles and kisses him]
MON: [smiling] What about the owner of the bed?
CHAN: Well... you see... actually the bed hasn't yet developed the process of talking ...and rating women, so I kinda took that decision on its behalf.
MON: [smiling even wider] Aww... ! That's very thoughtful of you! [kisses him passionately]
CHAN: [breaking away from the kiss] But I promise that as soon as I teach it how to talk ...and rate women... that's the FIRST thing it will say!
MON: [a bit uncomfortable] Look ... uh... Don't want to sound too pushy, but the day before yesterday [during Thanksgiving] you said ... something and we didn't actually have time to talk about it alone since, what with everyone finding out about us!
CHAN: [not entirely serious yet] Wow! ...Let me think Mon ! ...Something I said. Is it the whole "Superman could beat the Hulk" fiasco? Cause you know, the Hulk... [noticing that Monica is staring back at him very seriously] ...Sorry... Look ...what I said... I meant that... you know... I mean...
MON: CHANDLER!
CHAN: [immediately] O.K. I love you. But please don't freak out on me! I mean... It's the first time I ever felt like this for a woman... No wait... it's not the first time.
MON: [a bit hurt] It's not?
CHAN: No it's not. Cause I always felt like this about you Mon! [In the background we start to hear "More than words" by Extreme playing. We see Monica listening lovingly now and starting to get emotional] I mean it's always been there! Only I kinda buried it deep, cause I thought that a woman like you could never be with someone as sad, pathetic... You know...There's a whole list of adjectives I'm thinking right now but I'm not going to bore you with them now. With someone like me! So I had to come to terms with that! And to tell you the truth on some level I did! But Mon ... You're the closest person to me in the whole world. Well actually... just in the U.S, since I don't know a lot of people outside here... [thinking] although there was an old lady in Yemen that was very generous, ...I suppose I could love her too.
MON: [in tears] Oh my God! And I thought that all those times that you were coming on to me you were joking!
CHAN: Well... I was ...Half joking. And when we finally got together in London, I couldn't believe it! I mean there I was, in bed, with the most beautiful woman I had ever met, with whom I was also in love, for all these years.
MON: [emotional] I can't believe you were in love with me for so long!
CHAN: How could I not be...! Mon you are a gorgeous woman and you were always there for me whenever I needed you! I get strength from you! Whenever I was with you I forgot everything that had been making me miserable! You help me become someone better! (Sorry Mr. Brooks I just really loved this line) I mean... I thank God everyday that we got to live opposite one another... cause I don't want to think how my life would be if you weren't here for me! And I don't pretend to be an expert in the matters of love... one could easily say that I'm a rookie. But If what I'm feeling for you is not love... well... I must spend hours to create a word that's even greater than love!
[Monica is crying and hugs him tightly]
MON: [between sobs] I can't believe that all these years you were across the hall!
CHAN: ... You just noticed that! Thanks a lot Mon!
MON: You know what I mean...
CHAN: And you know what... I have always been wondering and dreaming about how it would feel like, to finally be able to openly tell you that I love you, ...and now I know. It feels great! I really love you Mon!
MON: You know what... Lately I've been thinking a lot of what's happening between us and I realized... that... I kinda love you too.
CHAN: ...kinda...?
MON: O.K. [really emotional and serious, staring deep into his eyes! I really love you Chandler Bing!
[She kisses him passionately.]<>
CHAN: Actually I've always been dreaming of how it would feel like to hear you say that! I only said otherwise, hoping you'd say this.
[They start to kiss. We hear now from "More Than Words" the verse more than words is all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn't have to say that you love me cause I'd already know." We hear an "Aw" from the audience]
[Cut to later that day. Joey and Chandler's. Joey is there watching TV. Chandler enters with a huge smile on his face.]
CHAN: Hey!
JOEY: Hey! [notices him] Hey... What's up with you? [full of excitement] Did you find any nude pictures of Jasmine?
CHAN: No man... Even better... I love her and she loves me [does the already famous dance]
JOEY: Jasmine loves ... YOU? ...Yeah right... [sarcastic] And I know the capital of Italy.
[Chandler freezes in the middle of his dance and gives Joey an "excuse me!" look]
JOEY: ... Oh wait! ... I know that ... It's ... It's ... R... Rome...something.
CHAN: [he can't believe what he's hearing] ... There's no "something" in Rome!
JOEY: [in disbelief] What? ... There's got to be something!
CHAN: [confused] ... What?
JOEY: [also confused] ...Huh...?
CHAN: [dropping the subject] ... Anyway... I told her I love her!
JOEY: Who?
CHAN: What do you mean "who?!" Monica!
JOEY: WHAT! Are you crazy! ... Why did you do that?
CHAN: ...Because I love her man!
JOEY: [with a blank look] ... and...
CHAN: There's no "and"... I love her so I told her!
JOEY: And what did she say?
CHAN: [all excited] She said she loves me too!!
JOEY: O.K. ... O.K. ....But what if Ross finds out that you're trying to sleep with his little sister?
[Chandler looks at him with an "I can't believe what I'm hearing" look]
CHAN: I'm not trying to sleep with her! I've already slept with her many times remember!
JOEY: O.K. man calm down...
CHAN: I told her that because I really love her!
JOEY: Sorry man... Force of habit... you know...
[Monica and Rachel's. Rachel, Monica and Ross are there watching TV in the living room.It is showing REM live. We can hear "The one I love". Suddenly Phoebe runs in, in panic.]
PHOE: [breathing heavily- It's like she has been running for 10 blocks] ... Uh... You guys, you won't believe this...
[Everybody gets up and runs to her.]
ALL: What...
MON: What's the matter honey?
PHOE: [trying to catch her breath] O.K. ... I was at my grandmother's trying to convince some dead guy that he's not pathetic...[she notices that the others are not exactly following her] ...long story. Anyway, as I went out on the balcony... I noticed that there was a strange glow coming from the roof. So I thought ..."O.K. ...It must be the spirit of the dead guy and he forgot to mention something" ...[There's a shot of Ross, Rachel and Monica looking all freaked out] ... but when I got on the roof I saw that the glow was coming from a spaceship! Isn't that great? ...[Then from the TV we can hear that REM are playing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." The others still are a bit freaked out] ... What ... What are you thinking?
ROSS: [sarcastically] Uh... Maybe the ... aliens, heard that you were doing psychiatric sessions for all kinds of imaginary beings... and wanted to shake off an obsession they have about their ...big heads!
PHOE: [enthusiastically, not realizing that Ross is being sarcastic] ...YOU THINK?
[Joey and Chandler's. Chandler and Joey are sitting on their chairs watching Baywatch. In the background we can hear "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.]
CHAN: [getting up] O.K. I got to go and get dressed!
JOEY: [in disbelief] But it still hasn't finished!!!!!
CHAN: [indifferently]... So... ?
JOEY: [looking scared] Oh my God! Something's wrong with you! Monica did something to you!
CHAN: You're damn right about that!
JOEY:[looking even more scared] OH MY GOD!!! You admit it! What did she do to you man...? Some kind of magic? Some kind of [thinking]... red... no... yellow... nah...
CHAN: Stop talking! ... Stop talking now! What are you mumbling about? She LOVES me!!!! This gorgeous, fantastic, lovely, caring... wonderful woman loves me!!!
JOEY: I lost you after ..."fantastic."
CHAN: Look, it's simple... She loves me... I... always loved her... so, I don't feel so keen on watching Baywatch anymore.
JOEY: See... That's why I avoid women like that! They mess with your head! [Thinks again]... And what do you mean you always loved her? You never told me!
CHAN: Look man... I didn't even reveal it to myself, cause I didn't think that it would be possible for me and Mon to be together.
JOEY: [Looks confused] How can you do that?
CHAN: Do what...?
JOEY: Keep it from yourself!
CHAN: I'm very good at hiding feelings!
JOEY: THAT good eh...?
CHAN: You wouldn't believe!
JOEY:[intrigued]... Huh... Maybe that's why I never feel much for any girl in particular!
CHAN: ... But... I still have to change!
JOEY: For what?
CHAN: Some people down at work are throwing a going away party for a guy who is retiring! Some of the guys have secretly hired a stripper too. [giggles]
JOEY: [immediately getting up] O.K. ...so when do we leave?
[Monica and Rachel's. Phoebes, Ross, Rachel and Monica are there sitting in the living room, having snacks]
PHOE: [thoughtful] ...I wonder what they wanted.
ALL: What... excuse me?
PHOE: ... The aliens.
ALL: ...Aww...
PHOE: I got so freaked out that I ran! I didn't get the chance to talk to them.
ALL: ...Oook...
PHOE: Fine ...You can be all skeptical and ... sycophantic about it ... but it's true!
[They all look at her a bit unsure of what she meant]
PHOE: O.K. ... I already told you I don't know what sycophant means, but I like the word... [repeats it to herself] SY-CO-PHANT ...[giggles]. One of this days I'll find out what it means! [Raising her voice] ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M TELLING YA! [The others look a bit shocked from this outburst. Phoebes realizes something] ... Maybe THEY knew!
ROSS: Who are "they?"
PHOE: The ALIENS!!! ... Oh damn ... I missed my one chance!
RACH: Anyway... Oh Mon! Tell us about Chandler!
MON: Oh... You know... we were in bed together and...
ROSS: [interrupting and speaking loudly] SO... PHOEBES ... ABOUT THOSE ALIENS!
MON: Excuse me...! Ross what's going on here?
ROSS: What? Nothing. I'm just really interested in aliens as ... a relation to... a .... more ... open ... perception ... of ... the field of paleontology.
PHOE: Ooo... That's so great!!!
[Mon is looking confused]
RACH: Uh... Mon... why don't we go to my room [she lips "I'll tell you inside"]
[Mon and Rachel get up and go to Rachel's room]
PHOE: So Ross... what do you want to know about my aliens?
ROSS: [a bit hesitant] Uh... did they ... were you... How are you doing?
[Rachel's bedroom]
RACH: So tell me everything!
MON: [a little shy] Everything... I couldn't possibly tell you everything! ... I mean... It would take forever just to...
RACH: [interrupting] Mon... !!!
MON: He's great! He's absolutely great!
RACH: In which department?
MON: Oh my god do you make it sound technical! ...Well... In every department!
RACH: [realizing something] Of...course ... He was the one you were talking about being the best you've ever had!
MON: [sheepishly] Well... yeah!
RACH: Is he really that good?
MON: YOU wouldn't believe!
RACH: ... Well... maybe I should try him out! It's been a long time since I had a good one!
[Monica throws her a mean look]... Come on Mon! I'm kidding ! My God look at you all jealous!
MON: I'm not THAT jealous!
RACH: Oh come on Monica you were about to bite my head off!! So ... tell me more!
MON: Well... We were in bed this morning and he told me the most wonderful things... Of course in his own special way... but they were wonderful nonetheless. [like a schoolgirl biting her nail] And then he told me he loved me!!!
RACH: Aww... I'm so happy for you! [they hug] Who would believe that Chandler can be such a sweet and "not-frightened to say I love you" guy!
MON: I know! For me it's like a dream! I mean... he's exactly what I ever wanted! Well except for the blonde hair, ... well-built body, the accent...O.K. he may not be exactly what I ever wanted, but he's the closest there can be to perfection for me!
RACH: What about you! Did you tell him you love him?
MON: [again like a little schoolgirl] Yes I did! It's like... I can be totally open with him!
RACH: That's so great! But... I never thought that you would ever be literally open in front of Chandler ... if you know what I mean... [gives Monica a "you know look" and Monica gives an embarrassed smile.
[Chandler's office.There are a lot of people there having fun, and there is music (you can hear "We Care A Lot" by Faith No More in the background.Chandler and Joey walk in]
JOEY: Hey... look at all these dorks!
CHAN: Hey, man! Don't blame me! You're the one who wanted to come! Just relax, mingle and have a good time!
JOEY: Okay, man. I'm sorry!...When will the stripper come out! [Chandler puts out his hand in a "not again!" move]
[Suddenly we see a gorgeous looking brunette sitting alone drinking punch.She is played by Jennifer Connelly.There's a circle of dorks gathered around her, just staring at her.Joey notices her. Then as he start to gaze at her the sounds from the party start to fade out and "Angel" by Aerosmith starts to play. We hear the refrain: "You're my Angel ,come and save me tonight"]
JOEY: Aww! Man...look at that! Oh my God...she's... she's...
CHAN: Oh my God!You're in a loss for words to describe a woman! I can't believe it!
JOEY: Man! Who is she?
CHAN: She's Annette. She's fairly new in the office. Do you want me to introduce her to you?
JOEY: Hey...it will be a cold day in ... in ... Hell ... before I need your help to come on to a woman! Before the night is over I'll be sleeping with her!
CHAN: No, Joey, wait ! She's not like the women you know! She...[Realizing] Oh... at least don't do anything while you're in my pants! I love those pants! [Joey ignores him and starts to walk towards Annette.Now we can hear the "Girl you'll be a woman soon" by Urge Overkill He tries to look cool as he approaches her. There's a dork standing in his way. Joey grabs him and moves him a bit to the right.]
JOEY: [Going over to Annette] Hey... How you doin' ? [with heavy Italian accent]
ANN: [In a really sweet voice] Fine, thanks! Although I still don't know a lot of people here in the firm and I'm feeling a little uncomfortable! What's your name ? [Joey is a little taken aback by her sweet way of talking]
JOEY: Huh... my name... is... Joseph... Joseph Tribbiani!
ANN: Aww! That's such a beautiful name! Do you work here, Joseph?
JOEY: Eh... not actually... I'm [with a bragging look] I'm an actor! I'm here with my friend Chandler.
ANN: Chandler! That sweet, funny guy! Aww, I love him, he's great! [Joey seems a little jealous of that statement]
JOEY: Yeah! He's my best pal! And...[stressing it a little too hard] he's got a gorgeous, wonderful girlfriend!
ANN: What?
JOEY: Oh, yeah! She's great! You should meet her![Ann seems a little put down] So... wanna go get something to drink? [gives her a knowing look]
ANN: I'm already drinking!
JOEY: No, I mean [repeats it stressing it out] get something to drink!
ANN: I don't know what you mean! I told you I'm already drinking!
JOEY: [He seems frustrated that she didn't realize what he meant, so he starts off to leave] Oh... O.k....
ANN: Joseph, would you mind staying a little bit longer?
JOEY: [With a satisfied look] Sure, baby! Anything!
ANN: Why'd you call me "baby?" [giggles] That sounds so sweet and funny! [Joey is pleased]
JOEY: [With a meaningful look] Baby! [Ann giggles; Joey is even more pleased with himself]
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's. Ross and Phoebe are there talking. Well... actually Phoebe is doing all the talking and Ross is just listening in disbelief]
PHOE:... and it occurred to me! That dog was an alien dog! No ordinary dog would possibly sing along "Everlasting Love" with me! [Ross is looking at her not knowing how to react. Phoebe notices his loss for words] Look, I know that it's hard to believe and that you're probably thinking "... alright... how would an alien know Lionel Richie... but... but it totally makes sense!
ROSS: Actually... what I was thinking was that I'd rather not be listening to this right now,... but... NO! It doesn't make sense!! [Ross gets up and starts to leave]
PHOE: Oh... oh... so, like... now you... you... don't know what to say... so, you're leaving! Fine... but just so you know! Aliens do exist!
ROSS: Phoebes! I'm not questioning the existence of Extra Terrestrials. I'm just...
PHOE: [interrupting] Don't change the subject! And don't start about sapiens and dinosaurs!
ROSS: [confused] What? Extra Terrestrials are what we call the aliens!
PHOE: Aww... Aww... sorry... It's just that Latin confuses me some times!
ROSS: ... Anyway... What I was saying is that I'm not questioning the existence of Ex... the aliens, I'm questioning the idea of them coming here to Earth... or the idea that they occasionally appear in Madison Square Garden in the form of... dogs and perform Lionel Richie classics!
PHOE: Why do you think they haven't come to Earth yet? [Angry] Are we not good enough for them?
ROSS: Pheebs... it's just that for aliens to get here, it would take them like... a... a... million years... and that is IF they really are as advanced as we think!
PHOE: [Explaining to Ross like a mother to a child] But, Ross, honey... they will not walk all the way here!
ROSS: [Ironically and irritated] They won't?!?
PHOE: No... [revealing to him ,while stroking his hair] That's why they've got their spaceships! [Ross looks at her with gapped mouth]
[Cut to Rachel's bedroom]
MON: I mean... I'm so stupid! To think I could have gone without all this bad / unfitting boyfriends thing, if I had given in all those times he was coming on to me! Even if I thought he was just joking!
RACH: But, Mon... I think it's better this way...
MON: You do?
RACH: Well... now you both know what you want! I mean... you've both been through some lousy relationships that would lead to nowhere and you want someone who really loves and understands you! And... of course there's the sex, too!
MON: No... problem with that! Certainly no problem with that!
RACH: So, you see what I mean?
MON: Ha... that's the most meaningful thing I've ever heard you say about relationships!
[Rachel glares at her]
MON:... to... day!
RACH: So, anyway, where is he now?
MON: He had to go to a party some people at his work are having.
RACH: Why didn't you go with him?
MON: Oh... no... he's not going to stay there for long! He just went there so that everybody sees that he's there and then he's picking me up and we're going out!
RACH: Aww... [Suddenly we hear a scream from outside, from the living-room]
ROSS: NO, PHEEBS, PTERODACTYLS IS NOT LATIN FOR ALIENS!!!
--------------
[Cut to the party at Chandler's office. Joey comes back to Chandler depressed! "I Still Got The Blues" by Gary Moore is now playing.]
CHAN: Hey... Where were you, man? I've been looking all over for you!
JOEY: [Very depressed] Hey...
CHAN: [Sarcastic] As much as I'd like getting into a discussion about what brought out the blues "hey," WE'VE GOT TO GO!
JOEY: No, we can't go!
CHAN: Yeah, we can! I told the doorman to shoot that imaginary beast blocking our exit... [dramatic] We're home free, Joe!
JOEY:...We can't go, cause you've got to help me!
CHAN: No... no.... YOU have got to help me! I've got to pick up Monica 10 minutes ago! You know how she is with these things!
JOEY:... No, I don't know![defensively] I never slept with her!
CHAN: [In shock] You want to sleep with her!
JOEY: [Confused]... Who are we talking about?
CHAN: [Irritated] MONICA!
JOEY: Aw... NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH MONICA!! I would never sleep with Monica!
CHAN:[Calming down] Oh... O.k.... sorry...[widening his eyes] Is she not good enough for you?
JOEY:...What?
CHAN: MONICA! Why would you never sleep with her? Don't you like her?
JOEY: Of course I like her! She's really hot, you know!
CHAN: OH, MY GOD! You want to sleep with my girlfriend!
JOEY: [Getting tired of this] Hey! Snap out of this, man! We're making a scene! Listen for the record: I think Monica is great, beautiful, sexy, but I would never sleep with her, cause you're both my best friends!
CHAN: [Calming down] Sorry, man! I think it's the sangria! [Realizing something] OH, MY GOD! Now I have to pick up Monica 15 minutes ago! Come on!
JOEY: Man... please. You can see Monica anytime you want! I just want you to help me with Annette!
CHAN:Aww...Oh, wait... It's the phone... It's Satan and he wants to order scarves, gloves and sweaters! Looks like a heavy winter in Hell!Oh, oh, and he's really pissed with you, Joe! You just ruined his summer offers!
JOEY: Ha, ha... Very funny! But I'm dead serious here, man! I mean... [starting to break] you found Monica... and... I... I... [faking tears]... I'll never find anyone, if my friends won't help me!
CHAN: O.k., O.k.Let me just call Monica and let her know!
JOEY: [immediately stops crying and with a smile] Thanks, man...phew... that was close, I was really starting to get embarrassed! [Chandler starts to leave to phone Monica]
JOEY: Wow! Wait a minute! What will you tell her?
CHAN: What do you mean?
JOEY: I mean you can't tell her the truth! Then everyone's going to know that you were helping me with a girl! What about my image!!! It would be like finding out that you steal other people's jokes! [thinking] You don't do that do you?
CHAN: ...Rarely...
JOEY: That's what I mean! Come on man... it will ruin my reputation!
CHAN: O.k. O.k. I'll lie to my girlfriend! Next thing I know you'll have me lying to myself![starts to leave then realizes something] ...Although I already do that sometimes! [Joey looks at him confused]... It takes a lot of practice believe me!
JOEY: [still unsure what he's talking about] O.k. [Gives him a thumbs up]
[Cut to Monica & Rachel's. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross are there eating Pizza]
RACH: Why is Chandler not coming again?
MON: I don't know... some kind of processing... emergency!
RACH: In the middle of a party?[ Monica just shrugs her shoulders]
PHOE: I hate it when that happens![ The others look at her quizzically]
ROSS: So... anyway I better get going! Ben is coming over tonight! We are going to rent a movie!
[In the background "I Think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage starts playing]
MON: Really... What are you watching?
ROSS: Uh... "9 1/2 Weeks"
MON/PHOE/RACH: WHAT!!!!!!
ROSS: ...What? Come on... it's a classic!
MON: Hello... are you insane? Don't you think he's a little young to be seeing Kim Basinger in a "Guess what I won't be needing tonight!" strip-show!!!
ROSS: I know ...I know... But you know what!... I'm starting to get really worried about Ben! He hung up in his room a poster of Leonardo Di Caprio! ...I mean...
RACH: [interrupting] Oh my god!!! You are so paranoid!!! Just because your son is being raised by two women... lesbian women... doesn't mean that he'll turn gay!!! It's not like homosexuality is contagious!!
ROSS: ...I ... I... didn't mean that! I just...
PHOE: [interrupting] That's what you meant and you know it!!! You always want to put labels on people! [the others are getting a bit confused from where this is leading] Yeah!... That's what you are! You are a homophobic person! [trying to be sarcastic] You probably think that the aliens are homosexuals too!!!
[The others are not sure what to make of this]
MON: Phoebes what are you talking about honey?
PHOE: I.... I...
MON: Are you O.k.?
PHOE: [confused] I don't know... The aliens must have done something to me and erased my memory! I know it!! [gets up] I gotta go!![she storms out of the apartment]
ROSS: O.k.... I've got to go too!... Damn ...her exit was so much cooler!
MON: So Ross ! You're still not planning on renting 9 1/2 weeks, are you?
ROSS: Oh Yes I am!
MON: What! What about Ben!
ROSS: Oh no, no the movie is just for me![Ross leaves and closes the door behind him]
[Cut to the party at Chandler's work]
JOEY: [to Chandler] ...Listen man... I've been talking to her for like ...an hour and she still hasn't picked up any of the signs I've been sending out to her!
CHAN: [Sarcastic] You mean like a beacon?
JOEY: You know....
CHAN: What kind of signs have you been sending out to her?
JOEY: Just the usual... I've been winking at her!
CHAN: [ in disbelief] WINKING at her???
JOEY: Man... I've been winking so hard I can't feel my right eye anymore!
CHAN: OH MY GOD! Is this how you come on to women?
JOEY: Well... yeah!...sometimes....And hey... there's always the ...[with a fake Italian accent] "Hey ...How you doin"
[Chandler just shakes his head and mouths "Oh my God", but a woman behind him comes up to Joey]
WOMAN: [Very provocatively and in a very sexy voice]I'm fine! What's YOUR name ... STUD!
[Joey is very pleased with himself. Chandler raises his hands in the air in an "I can't believe this" way]
[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are sitting on a table talking]
CHAN: Look! If you really want Annette you gotta be more "just Joey" and less Joey "the young stallion from Brooklyn"
JOEY: How can I do that?
CHAN: Just be yourself! Like when you're with your friends! Don't start acting like you're some "hot-shot".She's not that type! She's kind and sweet and I think a bit inexperienced in the relationships area!
JOEY Oh man... I can't do this! I'll be too nervous! Look I can't ask her out [thinks]... but you can!
CHAN: What!
JOEY: Yeah! I mean... she really likes you! And maybe you should ask her out and then have like... err... an emergency and I'll fill in for you! What do you say?
CHAN: I can't ask her out ! What about Monica!
JOEY: Come on man... Besides you won't really go out with her! Please...! [We see Annette coming over to them]
CHAN: Shut up she's coming!
ANN: Hi Chandler!
CHAN: Hey!
ANN: Hello again... Joseph!
[Chandler tries really hard not to laugh upon hearing the comment]
JOEY: Hey Annette! ...Err... I'll go and grab some snacks! You just talk to Chandler here. [To Chandler -under his breath] Please... [Joey leaves]
CHAN: [a bit awkward] So... Annette ...How... What... Oh what the hell! Wanna go out tomorrow night!
ANN: [with a big smile] Yeah! Sure!
[Joey who was listening all this time opens his eyes in shock!!]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Ross's place! Ross is there lying on the couch, Ben is asleep next to him! Ross is watching the very famous striptease session in "9 1/2 weeks" and sings along the tune of "Leave your Hat on" . There's a knock on the door and Ross pauses the video which shows now just Kim Basinger's face in close-up! Ross opens the door]
PHOE: Hey!
ROSS: Hey Phoebes! Is everything alright ... at...[looks at his watch] 1:30 in the morning!
PHOE: Yeah ... I know it's late! I just wanted to apologize for my crazy behavior today, about all the aliens stuff and... [suddenly she freezes as she sees the TV which is still showing Basinger on a pause] ...Oh MY GOD!! That's her... that's her!
ROSS: [startled] What! Who?
PHOE: I swear I've seen her! She's an alien! [Kim Basinger in "My Stepmother Is An Alien"]
To be continued.