The One With Joey's Cousin
An original fanfic script by
[Chandler, Monica, Ross and Phoebe are in Central Perk. Phoebe and
are sat on the couch and Ross and Chandler are on the chairs either
side. We can see Rachel in the background talking to some male customers
as she serves them coffee.]
Ross to Monica: So, you didn't tell us how your date with Ted went.
Monica: Ted........(sudden realisation) oh tickler Ted, Ok.......well he
took me to dinner, Andre's, we had lobster, it was great lobster,
wine, it was great wine, we talked, he talks.....great,
such a great talker.
Chandler: Well it sure sounds like you had a moderately enjoyable
Monica: Thats just it, I did until I took him back to the apartment.
Ross: (surprised) You took him back to the apartment ......on a first
date.....(much calmer) I mean, you took him back to the apartment
first date, huh.......so what happened?
Monica: Well, as soon as we got in the door he couldn't keep his hands
off me, he thrust me onto the kitchen table and...and....
Ross: Maybe I shouldn't be hearing this (covering his
ears).....(thinks)...ahh what the hell (uncovers ears)
Phoebe: He stripped you naked, covered you in maple syrup and then had
to go because a giraffe had gone into labour.
Monica: (rather bemused) No Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh ok, it's just I'd hate you to have gone through what I did
with Chris,......the vet, you remember.
Chandler: Ok, I've got it, he thrust you onto the kitchen table and
then....asked you for a cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, like really.
Chandler: Well she does make great coffee.
Monica: No, ...he tickled me.
Chandler: Oh I just knew that "tickler Ted" thing was a clue.
Ross: So he tickled you?
Monica: Yeah, it turns out he gets really turned on by female laughter.
Phoebe: So why didn't he just like tell you a joke or something?
Monica: (dead serious) He's an accountant.
Chandler: Well, that explains everything!
Ross: Wait, alright, he tickled you, then what? (sits forward in his
seat in anticipation)
[Monica looks at him sternly]
Ross: Maybe I shouldn't have asked. (Sits back in his seat again)
Monica: No, it's ok......I laughed.
Chandler: It's all becoming clearer now.
Phoebe: The snort thing?
Monica: Hey hold up a minute you guys, you think the night ended because
I have a little, well, uniqueness to my laugh?
Ross: It's no uniqueness Monica, you snort!
Monica: Well actually he liked it.
All: (Sounding surprised) He did?
[Monica looks confused]
Chandler: So what happened?
Monica: Oh well he tickled me so much I kind of jerked my leg up real fast
and caught him.......there.
Phoebe: What, right there?
Ross and Chandler: OOOh. (They cross their legs and shift in their seats)
Monica: So that kind of put an end to the evening.
Chandler: I should think it would have.
Phoebe: So you're not seeing him again then?
Ross: (to save Monica from further embarrassment) Oh look everyone,
They all turn around to see Joey coming in the door. It has been raining
and Joey's drenched, he takes off his coat and hangs it up by the door.
Rachel sees him and they both go over to the couch. Rachel sits on the
arm by Phoebe and Joey sits on the couch next to Monica.
Rachel: OOh is it raining outside?
Joey: No Rache, the wet looks back in, didn't you know.
Joey shakes his head like a dog, showering everyone especially Chandler.
Chandler: (as he wipes water from his face) Gee Joe, I knew you had an
audition for Beethoven today, but I didn't think you meant the
Monica: You had an audition, so how'd it go?
Joey: It didn't.
Rachel: What, it was that bad?
Joey: I don't know I never got there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: I got a call from my mom, there was a family emergency, so I had
to go over there.
Ross: So you missed the audition?
Joey: Yeah, anyway it turns out my cousin Alex is in town.
Rachel: You have a cousin Alex, wait this isn't the one that can belch
Monica: No Rache, thats Tony, believe me I know, even if he did only get
up to j in his rendition.
Joey: Alex is nothing like Tony.
Rachel: No, So what is Alex like, do you guys have anything in common?
Joey: Let's see, well....(struggling) we're both called Tribbiani.
Rachel: Shall I take that as a no then?
Ross: So what's this Alex do?
Joey: She's an artist.
Rachel: She, ......and Alex is short for...what?
Chandler: Alexandria huh,.....so tell me more.
Joey: Well, she's new in town, she's staying with my crazy aunt Lydia,
......oh and her fiancee just left her for her mother.
Monica: (shocked) Her fiancee just left her for her mother, ...is she
Ross: If she's anything like I was when Carol left me, she'll be
Chandler: Prone to long winded speeches about when she got dumped!
Rachel: But her mother?
Phoebe: So what's her mom like then?
Joey: Well she's this high powered, man hungry, fashion concious,
Joey: No, she's just not like that, she's well, down to earth I guess.
Monica: How down to earth?
Joey: Well you can judge for yourself tonight, I invited her to dinner,
you guys can all come right?
Joey: My place.
Monica: Is that wise, I mean it's just not exactly the tidiest place in
Ross: Mon a spacial vacuum would be untidy to you!
Phoebe: And you have no table, at least not one that can seat seven, or
seven chairs, or seven sets of cutlery, or seven.....
Chandler: Forget that, who's gonna cook this meal?
Joey: Me. I am.
Ross: What, so we're having takeout?
Joey: No, I'm gonna cook. I can cook you know you guys, potroast or
Chandler: I'm suddenly reminded of the last time we had pot roast and
you didn't take off the vacuum wrap, well lets just say if they
ever invent Roast Lamb flavour gum I'll know to steer well clear
Phoebe: And you guys wonder why I'm a vegetarian.
Joey: So you'll all be there right?
Chandler: Sure, it's not like I have a date or anything.
Ross: Count me in.
Joey: (to Monica, Phoebe and Rachel) Well?
Phoebe: I'll come, but no potroast for me, remember- no food with a face.
Joey: How's cheese and tomato quiche, faceless enough for you?
Chandler: Well that depends on where you put the tomatos, two eyes and
smiling mouth could be just too much to take.
Phoebe: Ok, I'll be there, Mon, Rache how about you?
Rachel: I'd love to come, it's just I planned to go out tonight right
Monica: Yeah, she's going out but I'll be there.
Ross: (to Rachel) You're not coming?
Rachel: Don't be like that, I have plans.
Phoebe: Come on Rachel, I don't believe you, this girl needs us. How
would it be if when you came, with no where to stay, no friends, we said,
oh ok, we know you've just left Barry at the altar and your life is
falling apart but sorry, we have plans so just go away!
Rachel: Ok, OK, I'll come alright, quit with the guilt trip.
NOTE: As you can see, this script is as yet unfinished- hopefully there will
be more soon. ---GP