THE ONE WITH WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Monica: Rach, do you hire your own staff?
Rachel: Yeah, why?
Monica: 'Cause I've got to hire a chef and I've never done it before.
Ross: Well I'm sure Rachel will be happy to help you out. She loves telling people what to do.
Rachel: Don't start Ross.
Phoebe: Trouble in paradise?
Rachel: Let's just say we're agreeing to be civil towards one another.
Joey: What you do Ross? Forget to change a diaper or something?
Rachel: If you must know, that's exactly what he did. He left Caitlin in a soiled diaper for two hours while I was gone last night.
Ross: Hey, in my defense, I thought the smell was coming from the dumpster below us.
Rachel: Well either way, you're on doody diapers for a month.
Joey: How could you not know that Caitlin had a dirty diaper? All you got to do is smell her ass.
Ross: Alright, alright, I'll admit it, I fell asleep while watching Caitlin.
Ross: Ah nothing, I said nothing.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Monica: So you and Ross aren't getting along?
Rachel: Nothing serious, we're just not enjoying each others company this weekend. If I could send him to Summer Camp I would.
Monica: You should send him to Crystal Lake.
Rachel: Where's that?
Monica: You don't know?
Rachel: Know what?
Monica: Crystal Lake is where Jason Vorhees killed all those campers.
Rachel: Then I definitely should send him there.
Monica: Of course, that only happened in the Friday the 13th movies.
Rachel: Damn it!
Monica: Ok, I'm ready to start interviewing.
Rachel: Ok, lets start practicing.
Monica: Hi, I'm Monica Geller.
Rachel: Wrong already.
Rachel: You said Monica Geller.
Monica: I know, that's what I go by at work.
Rachel: Does Chandler know?
Monica: No. And he's not gonna find out is he?
Rachel: Don't look at me. Phoebe's the one you have to worry about.
Monica: Actually I don't. It was Phoebe's idea. You know as a way to show that while I'm married, I'm still a strong woman by not taking my husband's name.
Rachel: But you did.
Monica: Yes, but they don't know that.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is present. Joey enters)
Phoebe (not looking up): Hey. What's up?
Joey: Nothing. What are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm working on my new business. I got so tired of not doing anything every day that I decided to into the greeting card business. Here, tell me what you think of this. (Hands him a card)
Joey (reading the card outloud): So your daughter is a hooker, and it spoiled your day. (now opening the card) Look on the bright side: She's a really good lay! (putting the card down) That's really good. But Pheebs, what kinda card is this supposed to be?
Phoebe: Duh, a cheer up card! Don't you see, his daughter's a hooker but on the bright side she's really good at it!
THE NEW YORK CITY YMCA (Chandler and Ross are playing racquetball)
Ross: That's 4 to 2.
Chandler: Yes, I'm aware that I'm losing.
Ross: I guess you're right, you've been a loser pretty much all your life. (Chandler serves a wicked serve into Ross' head) Ow! What was that for?
Chandler: Nothing, I just missed hitting the wall that's all. Oh and don't take your fight with Rachel out on me. Serving 2-5.
(They play out the point, which Chandler wins)
Ross: I'm sorry man. It just pisses me off when she's right all the time. I can't win. Just wait until Monica has the baby, your life is gonna change forever.
Chandler: Speaking of babies, aren't you supposed to be watching Caitlin this afternoon?
Ross: Yeah, my Mom came right after Rachel left.
Chandler: And Rachel's gonna be ok with that?
Ross: What do you care? We're playing racquetball aren't we?
Chandler: Good point. If you're already in a hole that you can't climb out of, then you might as well keep digging deeper.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is practicing her interview technique on Rachel)
Monica: How am I doing so far?
Rachel: About the same as you were five minutes ago.
Monica: I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous.
Rachel: Do what I do. Picture the applicant naked.
Monica: I'm not gonna do that! I have to interview men!
Rachel: That's the best part. (looks out the window) Oh my God! I'm gonna kill him!
Monica: Kill who?
Rachel: Your brother!
Monica: What'd he do this time?
Rachel: Your Mom is watching Caitlin.
Rachel: He told me that he'd watch her this afternoon! Where's Chandler?
Monica (weakly): Playing racquetball with Ross.
Rachel: I'm telling you, he's really on my sh*t list this weekend.
Monica: Well you know what they say, if you're already up sh$t creek without a paddle, then you might as continue to float up creek.
Rachel: What on earth are you talking about?
Monica: You know, you'd think I know.
Phoebe: Hey guys! Tell me what you think of this greeting card!
Monica: Greeting card?
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm going into the greeting card business.
Rachel (reading out loud): Ok, let's see - "Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! (opening the card) 'Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy!
Monica: Well at least it's original.
Phoebe: You don't like it?
Rachel: No, I wouldn't say that. I just don't think that many men get cards after their vasectomies.
Phoebe: Of course not, it's an under-served market. I'm appealing to those things in life that there are no greeting cards for. Ok, I've got to go. I've got to write more of these awesome cards. Bye!
Rachel: She truly is mad.
Monica: I gotta hand it to her though, that was a clever card and it was funny too.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present)
Joey: I can't believe you played racquetball without me.
Ross: Joey, you hate to play racquetball.
Joey: You still could've asked.
Chandler: What are you bitching about? You're the one who said you were spending all day with Jenna.
Joey: She had to work. Something about a deadline or something.
Chandler (getting up to leave): Oh sh%t. The deadline.
Ross: Where're you going?
Chandler: To work. I totally forgot about the deadline.
(Chandler leaves. Joey's laughing)
Ross: There's no deadline is there?
Joey: Nope. I'm just messing with him. Ever since he got fired he's been so easy to pull pranks on.
Ross: You know you'll burn in hell.
Joey: Yeah, but at least I'll have Phoebe to keep me company.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Ok, tell me what you think of this one.
Joey (reading out loud): My car started thumping, Thought I had a flat. (opening the card) When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Joey: Well that's definitely the sickest one yet.
Phoebe: You don't like it?
Joey: Like it, I love it! I wished I had that card when I ran over this old lady's cat when I was driving Monica's Porsche.
ALLESANDRO'S (Monica is getting ready to interview her first candidate. Rachel is giving her a pep talk)
Rachel: Just remember, you'll be fine. And if you hire the wrong candidate you can always fire them later.
Monica (sarcastically): Yeah, that helps a lot.
Rachel: Alright, I'll see you later.
Monica: You don't wanna stay?
Rachel: Honey, I love you but it's time for you to stand on your own to feet.
Monica: I'm just asking if you wanted to watch, not do the interviews for me.
Rachel: Oh. (pause) No, I better go, I have to go yell at Ross.
Waiter #1: Monica, the first candidate is here.
Monica: Send 'em back.
(A handsome man enters)
Interviewee #1: Hi, I'm Chad.
Monica: Hi, I Monica Bing, I mean Monica Geller. It's nice to meet you. I'm the Head Chef here. So tell me a little bit about yourself.
Chad: Well I'm a graduate of the San Francisco Culinary School…..
Monica (VO): Wow! He must look really great naked. I bet he good pound the heck out of bread dough. Look at those eyes, I bet he just has women climbing all over him. What am I doing, I'm not even listening to him. Quick, ask him something! (to Chad) Do you prefer the top or the bottom?
Chad: Excuse me?
Monica: Of the oven, of the oven. Do you prefer the top or the bottom of the oven?
Chad: Depends on what I'm cooking.
Monica: Ok. Good answer. I'm sorry. Could you excuse me for a minute?
Chad: Sure. Do you want me to wait outside?
Monica: That'd be great. (Chad leaves. Voice Over) Great, I ask my second question and it's sexual in nature. Ok, no more picturing them nude.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Mrs. Geller and Caitlin are present)
Ross: Thanks for watching her Mom.
Mrs. Geller: Please, I'm just happy to have grandchildren. God knows it's taken Monica forever to get knocked up.
Ross: Eloquently put Mom.
Mrs. Geller: Are you sure Rachel doesn't mind me babysitting?
Ross: She's totally find with it.
(Rachel enters, not noticing her Mother-In-Law)
Rachel: Ross! Ross!
Rachel: If I catch you having your mother babysit Caitlin when you're supposed to be doing it one more time, I'll cut off your penis.
Mrs. Geller: I thought you said she didn't mind.
Rachel: Mrs. Geller….
Mrs. Geller: Call me Mom.
Rachel: I'm sorry Mom, I didn't see you there. Of course it's ok for you to watch Caitlin. You can watch her anytime you want.
Mrs. Geller: Well it's obvious you two lovebirds have something to talk about. Bye honey, bye Rachel.
Rachel: Bye Mom. (Mrs. Geller leaves. To Ross) I swear to God if you pull that crap one more time we'll never have another child.
Ross: That may be for the best, I'm having a hard enough time putting up with you.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Caitlin, Chandler and Joey are present)
Phoebe: Ok, I need to know what you think of this greeting card. Here Ross, you read it since you've been divorced and all.
Ross: Thanks Phoebe, I appreciate you pointing that out.
Rachel: Well you are king of the divorces.
Ross: Yeah, keep it up and your next on the list.
Rachel: Not if I beat you to it.
Chandler: For God's sake, read the stupid card!
Ross (reading out loud): I heard your wife left you, How upset you must be! (opening to the inside of the card) But don't fret about it, She moved in with me!
Joey: Dude, Susan could've totally given you that card when Carol left you for her.
ALLESANDRO'S (Monica has brought all 20 of the applicants into the kitchen)
Monica: Ok, I know this must seem a little odd, but that's kinda how I do things. I've looked over each of you's resumes and I'm really impressed. Instead of going through a typical interview, I've decided to ask you one question. Each of you will get the same question and there are three choices. Any questions?
Interviewer #2: You mean we only get one shot at this?
Monica: Pretty much. Think of it as making dinner for President Bush. You only get one shot.
Interviewer #3: Would you hold it against me if I said I would try to poison President Bush?
Monica: No, I'd definitely give you some bonus points for that if it mattered. If everyone's ready, let's begin. Tonina is going to pass out the question and a piece of paper to write your answer on.
(cut to an hour later)
Tonina: There all assembled.
Monica: Ok. (Monica goes to the head of the kitchen) Alright, I've made my choice. But before I reveal who got the job, I want to say that some of you submitted very interesting answers. However, you didn't follow instructions, so you were eliminated. Anyway, thanks for coming. You're all free to go. If Jordan West would stay behind, that'd be great.
Jordan: I got the job?!
Monica: Congratulations, you got the job. I really liked your answer. It showed that you cared and that you've got great problem solving skills. It also helped that you graduated from the New York Culinary Academy.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Monica: Check it out, I used this cool question today to determine who I should hire.
Chandler: What? Did you ask them what size bra they wear or something?
Monica: Like that's important.
Joey: It's important to me.
Monica: Anyway, it's titled "What Would You Do?"
Chandler: I'd hire the one with the biggest breasts with the thinnest body.
Ross: Or you could go with Rachel's line of thinking, hiring ex-lovers.
Rachel: I've never done that!
Ross: One word, Mark.
Phoebe: You slept with Mark?
Rachel (to Ross): Is nothing private between us anymore?
Chandler: Way to dig the hole deeper Ross.
Monica: Come on guys, I think this is cool. Ok, here it goes - You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Joey: That's easy, you pick the hot girl and your old buddy.
Phoebe: What about the old lady?
Joey: She's gonna die anyway.
Phoebe: You know Joseph you're gonna be old some day too.
Joey: Yes, but unlike you I'll be married to a 28 year old who's only after my money.
Monica: I'm not done yet!
Chandler: Whoa! Flashback to our bedroom!
Monica: It goes on….Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
So what would guys do?
Ross: I'd give the old lady a ride.
Rachel: You would not! You'd so pick the hot girl.
Ross: Not if it was you who was waiting.
Phoebe: I definitely pick the old friend. I'm always there for my friends.
Joey: You wouldn't pick me?
Phoebe: Well I figured you were the old friend and the hot guy all at once.
Monica: You can't do that Pheebs, it's one or the other.
Phoebe: Then I'd pick the old friend. Sorry Joe.
Joey: It's ok, you weren't the hot girl for me anyway, that was Jenna.
Rachel: Speaking of Jenna, where is she?
Joey: At her folks.
Rachel: Well I too would help the old lady. We have to be nice to the old people.
Ross: Yeah, and with the way your breasts are sagging, you're well on your way to being classified as old.
(Rachel flips Ross off)
Chandler: Am I gonna have to send both of you to your rooms?
Monica: What would you do Chandler?
Chandler: I'd pick up the woman of my dreams.
Monica: And who would that be?
Chandler: You of course.
Chandler: No, I'm serious.
Joey: You're telling me that if Yasmine Bleeth was out there waiting in the rain for the bus that you wouldn't offer her a ride.
Chandler: Sure, two years ago that's what I'd do, but marriage changes people man.
Monica (to Chandler): What did you do? Anyway, the candidate who I hired, out of 20 applicants mind you, blew me away with her answer.
Ross: What did she say?
Monica: She answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the man of my dreams."
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Ross and Caitlin are present. Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)
Rachel: Where're you sleeping gel boy?
Ross: Unfortunately next to you.
Rachel: Just stay on your side of the bed.
Ross: Like I'd wanna touch your skanky ass anyway.
Ross: Like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Rachel (mad, to say the least): You know what? Why don't you just go f%ck yourself and the horse you came in on.
Ross: I'm sorry about not watching Caitlin.
Ross: I'm sorry for not watching Caitlin.
Rachel: Oh. Ok, I totally wasn't expecting that.
Ross: And I'm sorry I've been putting you down all day.
Rachel: I'm sorry too.
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: That's nice. Goodnight.
Ross: You always have to have the last word when we fight don't you?
Rachel: At least you're learning.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Phoebe's present)
Monica: I wonder how Phoebe's meeting with Hallmark went?
Rachel: She probably got laughed out of the building.
Ross: How'd it go Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, they hated my cards.
Chandler: I'm sorry Pheebs.
Phoebe: It's really no big deal. It's allowing me to move on to my Daily Moment of Zen calendars. Check it out.
Monica: January 15th: "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you".
Chandler: I like this one, it reminds me of Joey. May 5th: "No one is listening until you fart".
Phoebe: This one's my favorite.
Joey: Let me see. July 27th: "Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield".
Rachel: And for the last one, a perfect one for Ross who never makes any sense in his long dissertations on life. December 31st: "Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment".