THE ONE WITH THE TRIP – PART III

 

Written by:   Ethan

                                   

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE  (Phoebe is present)

 

Phoebe:  What a long strange trip its been so far.  Let me catch you up to date.  The gang decided to visit Brad and Jennifer in California.  Then we all went to Disneyland the day after we arrived. Everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn’t.  On the good side, Brad has found a new play partner in Ben. But Joey, Chandler, Monica and I got thrown out of Disneyland for having sex on a ride.  Who knew that you could get in trouble for that? Anyway, Ross had a brain fart and had lunch with his ex-girlfriend Julie instead of Rachel.  Everything seemed fine between Ross and Rachel until dinner that night at the house.  It seems Rachel was still mad at Ross.  He asked Rachel to the pass the mashed potatoes and she thought he meant “throw the mashed potatoes at me please”.   Ross got upset and stormed out of the house.  Now Ross has disappeared and nobody knows where he is.  Well that’s about it.  Any questions?  I didn’t think so.  Ok, on with the madness. 

 

OPENING CREDITS 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (The next morning.  Everyone but Rachel has gathered in the kitchen)

 

Chandler:  Hey Jen, did you know that your kitchen is bigger than our apartment?  Wanna trade?

 

Jennifer:  Yeah right. 

 

Monica:  I could do culinary wonders in this kitchen.  Imagine the meals I could make for you Chandler. 

 

Chandler:  Yes, you could make a mean grilled cheese sandwich on this griddle.

 

Monica:  That’s not what I meant!

 

Chandler:  Lighten up. 

 

Brad:  Where’s Rachel?

 

Joey:  Maybe she’s in the shower.

 

Phoebe:  Nah, she went to look for Ross this morning. 

 

Joey:  How do you know?

 

Phoebe:  She told me. 

 

Joey:  Oh. (pause)  Did she shower first?

 

Brad:  What does that have to do with anything?

 

Joey:  You know, she’s gonna wanna be clean if she finds him. Ross isn’t gonna wanna have sex with a dirty Rachel.   

 

Monica:  Joey!  Ben’s right here!

 

Ben:  It’s ok Auntie Monica, Mommy and Daddy have sex when I’m around all the time. 

 

Chandler:  They do?

 

Ben:  Yeah, they’re always kissing and hugging and kissing and stuff. 

 

Jennifer:  Little kids are so cute. 

 

Ben:  And occasionally Daddy grabs Mommy’s butt and then they tell me to watch TV for awhile.  They think I don’t know, but I know that Daddy’s playing hide the salami with Mommy. 

 

Monica:  Ben!  Where did you learn that?

 

Ben:  Uncle Joey told me. 

 

All (but Joey and Ben):  Joey! 

 

Joey:  Man, it’s really hot in here, I’m gonna go out back.  (Joey leaves) 

 

Chandler:  The kid is seven and he knows more about sex than I do.

 

Monica:  That’s not saying much. 

 

Jennifer:  Ok, what are we gonna do today? 

 

Brad:  Shouldn’t we help Rachel find Ross?

 

Jennifer:  We could do that.  But I think Rachel would’ve asked for our help if she wanted it.  I know, we could go down to Burbank Studios and watch the taping of Fraiser.   I know one of the Executive Producers, I’m sure she’d let us in for the taping.  What da ya say?

 

Chandler:  I love that show!  That would be great!  

 

Monica:  You’re just saying that because you have a thing for Jane Leeves. 

 

Chandler:  I do not!

 

Monica:  Please, I’ve seen you kissing the pillow while sitting on the couch while you’re watching that show. 

 

Phoebe (to Chandler):  You are so sad.

 

Chandler:  Oh yeah, well Monica watches old CHIPS re-runs because she has a thing for Erik Estrada! 

 

Brad:  Well as enlightening as this conversation is, what do guys want to do?

 

Phoebe:  Let’s go to the taping. 

 

Monica:  I don’t wanna go anywhere now.

 

Phoebe:  Stop being a baby Erik lover, you’re going. 

 

Chandler:  Ha!

 

Phoebe:  What are you scoffing at pillow lover? 

 

HILTON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel is checking with the front desk again) 

 

Rachel:  Hi.  I’m checking to see if a Ross Geller checked in here last night. 

 

Clerk:  I’m sorry, but no Ross Geller has checked in.

 

Rachel:  How about Dr. Ross Geller? 

 

Clerk:  I’m sorry ma’am, he hasn’t checked in. 

 

Rachel:  How about this.  Have any male guests that are approximately 6’2” tall with dark hair checked in the past twenty-four hours?

 

Clerk:  Ma’am there’s a college basketball tournament in town and many of the guests here at the hotel are those basketball players.  We could spend all day gathering that list.

 

Rachel:   Fine, thanks anyway.  (Rachel turns to leave then comes back to the counter) Wait, how about this, did a Ross Dinothere check in?

 

Clerk:  Ma’am I have other guests to accommodate. 

 

Rachel:  Just check!

 

Clerk:  Fine, fine. (pause) Yes, a Mr. Ross Dinothere checked in last night.

 

Rachel:  What room?  What room?

 

Clerk:  Room 669.  

 

Rachel:  What floor is that on? 

 

Clerk:  The sixth. 

 

Rachel:  Thanks.  

 

BURBANK STUDIOS – THE SET OF FRAISER (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Jennifer:  Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Kelsey Grammer.  Kelsey, this is everyone.

 

Kelsey:  Hello.  So Jennifer says your visiting from New York City.  I really love New York.  (to Ben) And who are you?

 

Ben:  I’m Ben.  I’m seven.  How old are you?

 

Monica:  Ben, you know you don’t ask grown-ups that question.

 

Kelsey (to Monica):  You must be Ben’s mom. 

 

Monica:  No, I’m his aunt.

 

Ben:  I have three Mommies. 

 

Kelsey:  You do?

 

Ben:  Yup, my lesbian Mommies are Carol and Susan and I have Mommy Rachel. 

 

Kelsey:  That’s gotta be the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.  Are you sure you’re not from San Francisco? 

 

Joey:  That whole thing still confuses me.

 

Phoebe:  Joey, the wind changes direction and you get confused. 

 

Chandler:  Ah, where’s Jane Leeves?

 

Monica:  Chandler!

 

Chandler:  What?  I just wanted to see if I could meet her. 

 

Kelsey:  Jane’s left already.  She had to get home to her kids.  So you’re a big fan of hers?

 

Chandler (sheepishly):  Yeah. 

 

Joey:  Yeah he makes out with a pillow whenever he sees her on your show. 

 

Chandler:  Joey!

 

Joey:  Well you do.

 

Brad:  Well we better let Kelsey get on his way, I’ve got a surprise for you guys that I think that you’ll like.  Thanks Kelsey. 

 

Kelsey:  It’s my pleasure.  It’s great meeting all of you and have fun in Hollywood.  Take care.  (Kelsey leaves)

 

Jennifer:  What’s this surprise Brad?

 

Brad:  Well if I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise now would it?

 

HITLON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel has found Ross’ room.  She knocks on the door, Ross opens it)

 

Ross:  Oh, it’s you. 

 

Rachel:  I’m happy to see you too.  Can I come in?

 

Ross (walking back towards the bed):  Whatever.

 

Rachel:  I missed you last night. 

 

Ross:  No you didn’t, the mashed potatoes hit me square in the chest. 

 

Rachel:  That’s not what I meant. 

 

Ross:  What do you want?

 

Rachel:  You’re mad at me?

 

Ross:  No, I’m just being hostile for the fun of it. 

 

Rachel:  Look, I’m sorry I threw the mashed potatoes at you.  I was upset about the whole Julie thing. 

 

Ross:  Ok. 

 

Rachel:  So will you come back to the house?

 

Ross:  No, I think I’m gonna stay here.  It’s against the rules in the restaurant to throw food so I know I’ll be safe. 

 

Rachel:  You know what, I didn’t come down here to argue with you.  If you want to be a stubborn mule, then be one.  Just don’t ruin my and your son’s vacation. 

 

Ross:  Ok.  See you later. 

 

Rachel:  I’m not coming back.

 

Ross:  Ok. 

 

Rachel (bursting into tears):  Why are you doing this to me?  I’m your wife.  Talk to me!

 

BURBANK STUDIOS – THE TONIGHT SHOW SET  (The gang, except for Brad, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the studio)

 

Joey (whispering to Jennifer):  Where’s Brad?

 

Jennifer (whispering back):  I don’t know.

 

Joey:  You’re lying. 

 

Jennifer:  Yes I am, watch the show. 

 

Jay Leno:  My next guest is a major movie star and married to one of the hottest actresses in the business.  He’s here to promote his new movie Ocean’s Eleven which hits theaters on Friday.  Ladies and Gentlemen, Brad Pitt.      

 

Ben (to Monica):  Hey, that’s Uncle Brad up there!


Monica:  Yes it is.  Now we have to be quiet, ok? 

 

Brad:  Hi Jay, how are you?

 

Jay Leno:  I’m good.  It’s great to see again.  So, you’ve got a big movie opening in theaters on Friday. 

 

Brad:  Yeah.  It’s a remake of the 1960 brat pack film Ocean’s Eleven.  George Clooney was putting an all-star cast together and he asked me to play a role in the film.

 

Jay Leno:  Julia Roberts is also in the film. 

 

Brad:  Yeah, Julia was great to work with. 

 

Jay Leno:  How was the missus with that?

 

Brad:  Why don’t you ask her yourself, she’s right over there. 

 

Jay Leno:  Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Jennifer Aniston.  Jennifer come on up here. 

 

Jennifer:  That’s ok.   

 

Jay Leno (going into the audience to get Jennifer):  Come on Jennifer. 

 

Jennifer (now on the couch next to Brad):  I’m gonna get you for this. 

 

Jay Leno:  So how are the two of you doing?

 

Jennifer:  We’re doing great.  Actually, we’ve decided to have kids. 

 

Brad:  We have?

 

Jay Leno:  Sounds like you two have some talking to do.  So what are you up to Jennifer?

 

Jennifer:  I just finished shooting a film called The Good Girl. 

 

Jay Leno:  Brad was telling me backstage that there’s a daytime soap star in the audience today. 

 

Jennifer:  Yes, there is. 

 

Chandler (to Phoebe):  They’re talking about Joey. 

 

Phoebe:  He’s finally gonna get his big break.  

 

Jay Leno:  Should we invite him up here?

 

Brad:  The more the merrier. 

 

Jay Leno:  Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome Joey Tribbiani who plays Dr. Ross Greco on the daytime soap opera General Hospital.

 

(The spotlight hits Joey in the audience and lo and behold, Joey’s eating a sandwich)

 

Chandler:  Joey, get up and go onstage, they’re waiting for you. 

 

Joey:  Not now dude, I’m eating. 

 

Phoebe:  Give me that sandwich, get up there now!

 

(Joey gets up and the audience applauds.  Joey sits next to Jay as Brad and Jennifer move over)

 

Jay Leno:  How’s it going Joey?

 

Joey:  Pretty good. 

 

Jay Leno:  You’ve come a long way since they dropped your Days of Our Lives character Dr. Drake Remoray down the elevator shaft.

 

Joey:  Yeah, I can actually pay my bills now. 

 

Jay Leno:  So what’s in store for your character on General Hospital? 

 

Joey:  The producers are talking about having my character discover the cure for the Ebola virus. 

 

Jay Leno:  How are they gonna do that?

 

Joey:  Beats me, I haven’t seen the script yet. 

 

Jay Leno:  Spoken like a true actor.  We’ll be right back with Jane Leeves of Fraiser.    

 

Chandler (to Monica):  Did you hear that, Jane Leeves is on the show!

 

Monica:  It’s too bad you left your pillow at home. 

 

HITLON HOTEL – HOLLYWOOD (Rachel and Ross are just staring at one another)

 

Rachel:  So you have nothing to say?

 

Ross:  Not really.  I thought you were leaving. 

 

Rachel:  Damn it, what do you want me to say?!

 

Ross:  I don’t want you to say anything.  I just want to be left alone. 

 

Rachel:  Do you want out of this marriage?

 

Ross:  No. 

 

Rachel:  Then what the hell are you doing?!

 

Ross:  I’m enjoying my vacation. 

 

Rachel:  What?

 

Ross:  I said I am enjoying my vacation. 

 

Rachel:  I heard you the first time. 

 

Ross:  Then why did you say “what”?

 

Rachel:  You know what, I am leaving.  Oh and another thing, for better or worse means something to me.  If you didn’t mean it when you said it, then you’ve got more problems then me not liking the fact that you had lunch with an ex-girlfriend instead of your pregnant wife.  Goodbye Ross.

 

Ross:  Rachel, why do you hate Julie so much?

 

Rachel (surprised):  I don’t hate Julie. 

 

Ross:  Then why’d you throw food at me?

 

Rachel (shutting the door and sitting down on the bed next to Ross):  Ok, so I hate her a little bit.      

 

Ross:  Why, what did she ever do to you?

 

Rachel:  She tried to steal the only man I’ve ever loved from me. 

 

Ross:  She tried to steal Barry?

 

Rachel:  That’s not funny. 

 

Ross:  I thought it was. 

 

Rachel:  Do you want the truth?

 

Ross:  I think I’m entitled to it. 

 

Rachel:  Ok here it goes.  Julie’s the only ex-lover of yours that I’ve ever felt threatened by. 

 

Ross:  Julie?

 

Rachel:  Yes. 

 

Ross:  Why?

 

Rachel:  Because she’s into dinosaurs, she’s pretty, she’s very smart and you two got along so well together. 

 

Ross:  And the fact that I broke up with her to be with you doesn’t carry any weight at all?

 

Rachel:  Of course it does. 

 

Ross:  Then why do you still feel threatened by her? 

 

Rachel:  Let me put it this way, how would you feel if I had lunch with Mark?

 

Ross:  You’d sleep on the couch for a week. 

 

Rachel:  See, you still feel threatened by Mark. 

 

Ross:  That’s different.  Mark broke us up the first time.  Julie never did that to us. 

 

Rachel:  No, you sleeping with the Copy Girl broke us up the first time.

 

Ross:  What’s your point?

 

Rachel:  The point is that yes, I still feel threatened by Julie and me seeing you with her sets off all sorts of jealous alarms in my head.  I feel that if you’re around her for an extended period of time, you’ll leave me for her. 

 

Ross:  I would never leave you for her.  I might leave you for Tea Leoni, but not her. 

 

Rachel:  The one from Jurassic Park 3?  I’d leave you for her too. 

 

Ross:  Look, I love you and only you.  Julie’s from my past but, like you with Mark, she’s my friend.  I didn’t have lunch with her to get even with you for embarrassing me in front of Jennifer, I had lunch with her because she’s a friend. 

 

Rachel:  And I didn’t throw food at you because I was upset that you long for Tea Leoni, I threw food at you because you had lunch with Julie and I got stood up. 

 

Ross:  And I said I was sorry for that yet you still felt the need to throw mashed potatoes at me. 

 

Rachel:  And I am sorry for that. 

 

(long period of silence)

 

Ross:  Where’s everyone else?

 

Rachel:  I don’t know.  I left the house before anyone else was up. 

 

Ross: Did you shower?

 

Rachel:  Ah no. 

 

Ross:  Damn.

 

Rachel:  Is that bad?

 

Ross:  Well we can’t have sex. 

 

Rachel:  Why not?

 

Ross:  Because you didn’t shower. 

 

Rachel:  So?

 

Ross:  It’s gross, you’re all dirty. 

 

Rachel:  How about we shower here?

 

Ross:  We? 

 

Rachel:  You think I’m gonna shower by myself?

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE  (Everyone is present.  The gang is getting ready to leave for New York)

 

Joey:  Thanks for letting us stay Brad and Jen.

 

Brad:  Not a problem.  We enjoyed having you guys. 

 

Phoebe:  Don’t forget about the bed Joey. 

 

Joey:  Right.  Ah, you’re gonna need a new bed in Phoebe and I’s room.

 

Jennifer:  Why exactly?

 

Joey:  We broke the springs in the mattress making whoopee. 

 

Monica:  We can’t take you two anywhere. 

 

Chandler:  This is the best trip ever.  I actually got slapped by Jane Leeves. 

 

Brad:  Yeah. In the future, it’s a good idea not to kiss celebrities without their permission Chandler. 

 

Monica:  Don’t worry, he’ll be paying for that mistake for a long time. 

 

Chandler:  How many times do I have to say I’m sorry Mon?

 

Ross:  Thanks again. 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, we had a great time.   You’ll come to New York?

 

Brad:  I will, I still have to make a court appearance for decking that guy when I was there for your wedding. 

 

Jennifer:  Which he is still serving time for I might add. 

 

Ben:  Uncle Brad, when you come, will you go to Great Adventure with me?

 

Brad:  Of course buddy. 

 

Ben:  Bitchin’!

 

Ross:  Ben!  We don’t say things like that!  Who taught you that?

 

Ben:  I’m sorry.  Uncle Joey taught me. 

 

Joey:  Man, it’s hot in here.  I’ll wait for you guys by the limo.

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE  (Brad and Jennifer are eating dinner)

 

Jennifer:  So who won our bet?

 

Brad:  What are you talking about?

 

Jennifer:  Did you have a blast with Ben?

 

Brad:  Yeah.  He’s a wonderful little boy. 

 

Jennifer:  So I won the bet. 

 

Brad (realizing what’s she talking about):  Oh my God. 

 

Jennifer:  I believe it’s time to get naked. 

 

Brad:  What about dinner?

 

Jennifer (sexily):  Since when did you like dinner before dessert?