CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are present)

Rachel: What time is it?

Monica: It’s 8:30.

Rachel: Crap, I’m gonna be late for work again.

Ross: Aren’t you the boss?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: So technically you’re the only one who can punish you for being late.

Rachel: True. But that’s not the point. I have to set a good example for my employees.

Chandler: How exactly do you do that?

Rachel: By showing up on time.

Chandler: Ah, you see I know nothing about that. I’ve never been on time. That’s why I know nothing about setting a good example at work.

Monica: Honey, the only thing you set a good example for your employees is how to screw off all the time and still get paid.

Chandler: Well you’ve got to be good at something.

OPENING CREDITS

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is in her office. Her boss, Katie enters)

Katie: Hello Rachel.

Rachel: Hi Katie, what’s up?

Katie: You were late again this morning.

Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. I had a hard time getting my stepson off to school.

Katie: I really don’t care.

Rachel (taken aback): Oh.

Katie: No, I mean I don’t care that you were late. I just got here myself.

Rachel: Then how’d you know I was late?

Katie: Your secretary Kathleen is really a kiss-ass. She ratted you out.

Rachel: She did?

Katie: Yeah. Look, I need you to go to Miami for a week.

Rachel: For what?

Katie: We’re opening a brand new store and I need someone from upper management to go supervise the opening.

Rachel: But I’m only in middle management.

Katie: Not if you pull off this opening.

Rachel: What are you saying?

Katie: Pull off the opening and you’ll be our newest Executive Vice President in charge of the entire Retail Division.

Rachel: There’s just one problem.

Katie: Which is?

Rachel: I’m seven months pregnant. I have a hard enough time making it through the day here.

Katie: It’s up to you. You can take the assignment or I’ll have Marisa do it. I’m asking you first ‘cause I think you’re ready for the challenge. If you pass, you’ll stay where you’re at and I’ll go external to fill the position. It’s your choice. Let me know by tomorrow morning.

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Chandler is working. Bill, his boss comes in)

Bill: Bing.

Chandler: Hello Mr. Haughney. What can I do for you on this fine day?

Bill: You can pack your desk and get out of here in one hour.

Chandler: That’s a good one sir.

Bill: I’ve been saving it up just for you.

Chandler: You’re not serious are you?

Bill: No. I just came to say good job on motivating your employees. You’re division was number 1 this past month. Keep up the good work.

Chandler: Ah Bill, my division analyzes all the statistical data from the field. How can we be number 1, we’re the only division that does what we do.

Bill: Ok, you’re ruining my day here Bing. I come to tell you that you and your employees did great work and you inform me that you’re the only division in this huge company that does statistical analyses.

Chandler: I didn’t mean to offend you Bill. I guess I was just wondering why you were singling us out this month?

Bill: Because you’re the only division under my control that actually got there work done on time.

Chandler: Oh, well thank you sir. My employees will appreciate your comments.

Bill: Forget the comments, you all got yourselves a big raise. It’s up to you to divide the raises as you see fit.

Chandler: But that’s what you do Bill.

Bill: Well I’m gonna be dead someday and I figured this was a good time to show you how hard being a manager can be. We’re giving you a compensation pool of $130,000 to divide amongst your thirty employees. You can divide it up any way you’d like. You’ve got till the end of the week. Alright, my tee time is in 45 minutes, I gotta go.

Chandler: Bill?

Bill: Yes Bing?

Chandler: Thanks.

Bill: You already got the raise Bing, there’s no need to kiss my ass now.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Ross are present)

Phoebe: When’s Rachel due?

Ross: May 2.

Monica: Wow, that’s right around her birthday.

Joey: When’s her birthday?

Ross: May 5.

Joey: How selfish can she get? She gets a new baby and her birthday in the same week. (Everyone just stares at Joey) Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ross: We better go Mon.

Phoebe: Where are you guys going?

Monica: To sell my Dad’s Porsche.

Joey: You’re getting rid of the Porsche?! You can’t do that! I love that car!

Monica: Well it’s not getting much use and Chandler and I could really use the money.

Joey: How much are you selling it for?

Monica: $15,000.

Joey: I’ll take it.

Phoebe: Do you have $15,000 stashed some where that I don’t know about?

Joey: No. But since you’re my wife and all, I figured you give me the money.

Phoebe: Ha! I’m not giving you a dime. We don’t need another car, we have my grandmother’s cab.

Joey: But you’re my wife, you’re supposed to buy me things.

Phoebe: No, my only duties are to have sex with you and do your laundry.

Ross: You do his laundry?

Phoebe: Yeah, doesn’t Rachel do yours?

Ross: Yeah right, I do our laundry.

Phoebe: See Joey, you’ve got it made in the shade.

Joey: I don’t want shade, I want the Porsche!

Monica: Let’s go Ross. We’ve got to get to the car lot.

Joey: Wait! I’ll get you the money by the end of the day.

Phoebe: How are you gonna do that?

Joey: I’ll think of something.

Monica: Fine, you’ve got ‘til the end of the day. Let’s go Ross.

Joey: Where are you going?

Monica: I already told you. We’re going to the car lot.

Joey: But you just told me that you’d give me until the end of the day!

Monica: I know, but I also know that there’s no way you can come up with the money. I’m just getting a head start on selling the car.

Joey: Ross! Do something! (Ross starts dancing erratically as Joey, Phoebe and Monica look on shocked) That’s just great, I ask him to do something and he acts like an epileptic on mind altering drugs.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Rachel are present)

Chandler: I had the weirdest day at work today.

Rachel: Is that because you actually went to work for once?

Chandler: That was a good one.

Rachel: Thanks.

Chandler: No, my boss gave my staff and myself raises. I just have to figure out what to give each employee.

Rachel: I know what you mean. I had a weird day too. My boss said that if I fly to Miami for a store opening and it goes well, that she’d promote me to Executive Vice President of the Retail Division.

Chandler: That’s nothing like my dilemma. (pause) That’s way better than my dilemma. Congratulations!

Rachel: I don’t know if I want the promotion.

Chandler: Why not?

Rachel: Because it would require a lot of traveling.

Chandler: So? What’s the problem with that?

Rachel: I’m seven months pregnant with my first child.

Chandler: So?

Rachel: You know, I should probably talk to Monica or Ross about this. It’s obvious that you don’t understand my dilemma.

Chandler: Your dilemma is pretty simple Rach. You’re pregnant with your first child and you’re doing great at work. The baby’s gonna be here in two months and you’re not sure if you want to be traveling all the time when you’ve got a kid at home. That’s why you’re unsure if you should take the promotion or not.

Rachel: I guess you do understand. I’m sorry Chandler.

Chandler: No biggie. I can act like a grown-up occasionally.

Rachel: Is that what you were doing? Stop it, you’re scaring me.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)

Joey: I’ll buy all the groceries for one year.

Phoebe: No.

Joey: I’ll, I’ll do the laundry for a year too.

Phoebe: No. I’m not giving you the money for the car. That’s final.

Joey: Fine. I’ll be back.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Joey: To ask a true friend for a loan.

Phoebe: Who?

Joey: Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh, that’ll definitely work.

Joey: You think?

Phoebe: Totally, he loves you. He’ll do anything for you.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Rachel are present)

Rachel: So why don’t you just divide the money up equally amongst your staff.

Chandler: I would but I don’t think that would be fair. Some people on my staff do more than others.

Rachel: So you’re pretty much not giving yourself a raise.

Chandler: I do plenty down there.

Rachel: Why don’t you ask for some help?

Chandler: Because then Bill would figure out that I’ve lost complete control of my staff.

(Joey enters)

Joey: There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Chandler: Let me guess. You looked in the hall, my apartment and here.

Joey: Yeah. That’s pretty much everywhere don’t you think?

Chandler: What do you need Joe?

Joey: I need you to repay my loan.

Chandler: Joey, you owe me a billion dollars.

Joey: Then I need an advance on my next loan.

Chandler: How much do you need? $500?

Joey: No, $15,000.

Chandler: What?! In God’s name, what do you need $15,000 for?

Joey: I wanna buy Monica’s Porsche.

Chandler: Then go get a traditional car loan. I don’t have $15,000 to give you.

Rachel: Monica’s selling the Porsche?

Joey: Yeah. She says Chandler and Monica need the money.

Chandler: We do. We’re hoping to buy a house.

Rachel: She wants $15,000 for it?

Chandler: Apparently.

Rachel: I’ll see you guys later.

Joey: Where are you going?

Rachel: To see a car saleswoman.

Joey: Oh. See you later.

(Rachel leaves)

Chandler: You do realize that she’s going to talk to Monica don’t you?

Joey: Damn it! (running out of Central Perk) That’s my Porsche you sneaky little tramp!

CAR LOT (Ross and Monica are present. They’re talking to the salesman)

Monica: You mean to tell me that you get 33% of the sales proceeds if I place the car on your lot?

Salesman: That’s right. Look lady, I don’t do this for free.

Ross: Mon, come here for a minute.

Monica: What?

Ross: This guy is trying to rip you off. I think you should just sell it yourself.

Monica: You know what, I’m gonna sell this Porsche my self. I don’t need your help. This car will sell itself.

Salesman: Suit yourself. But I can guarantee you that you’ll have your money by the end of the day. It could take weeks for you to sell this car.

Ross: It’s a Porsche. Everyone wants a Porsche. A blind man could sell this car.

Salesman: Hey, don’t make blind jokes. My best salesman is legally blind.

Ross: Oops, sorry about that.

Salesman: It’s ok, he didn’t hear you either. He’s also deaf.

Ross: The Pinball Wizard works for you?

(Joey and Rachel approach)

Joey/Rachel: I want the car!

Joey: It’s mine! I wanted it first.

Rachel: But you don’t have any money.

Joey: And you do?

Rachel: I’ve got car loan papers right here.

Joey: Damn it!

Monica: Look, I’m not selling the car to either of you.

Joey/Rachel: Why not?

Monica: Because you (pointing to Rachel) don’t have a license and you (pointing to Joey) don’t have the money.

Rachel: But I was gonna buy it for Ross’s birthday.

Ross: Honey, it’s only March, my birthday isn’t until December.

Rachel: Well I was gonna get you an early present, but if you don’t want it, then I’ll just buy it for myself.

Joey: No way, she’s just trying to buy it for herself. I have a much better reason for you to sell me the car.

Monica: Oh, and what’s that?

Joey: I’m a daytime television star, I need a hot car to arrive at the set in.

Ross: That’s right Joey. That’s why you have the money to buy the car, because you’re a daytime television star.

Joey: Are you an idiot? I already told you that I don’t have the money right now.

Monica: Look, we’ll settle this later. I won’t sell the car until tomorrow. You both have until then.

Rachel: Fine.

Joey: That’s not fair! I can’t raise $15,000 overnight.

Rachel: Then you might as well let me buy it now.

Joey: Not so fast sister, I’ll get the money.

Ross: What are you gonna do? Become a gigolo?

Joey: I don’t need to dance to earn money.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

Rachel: I need to talk to you about something.

Ross: You’re not gonna change my mind Rach, I just don’t think buying Monica’s Porsche is a good idea.

Rachel: That’s not what I’m talking about. My boss wants me to go to Miami for a week for a store opening.

Ross: So? That’s fine with me. Spring break is next week and I’d love to go to Florida for the week with you. I could hang out on the beach while you do your thing.

Rachel: Ok, one, you’re not coming if I got to Florida; and two, if I go, Katie will promote me to Executive Vice President of the Retail Division.

Ross: What do you mean I don’t get to go? (pause) They’re going to promote you if you go?

Rachel: Yes, they’re going to promote me.

Ross: That’s great Rach! I’m so excited for you. With the extra money we could finally buy a house in Scarsdale.

Rachel: I don’t know if I want the promotion.

Ross: What? Why not?

Rachel: Because in two months our baby girl is gonna be here and I don’t know if I want to continue to work after the baby’s born.

Ross: But if you don’t work, we’ll be in this apartment forever.

Rachel: So what you’re saying is that you’d rather have a nanny raise our child.

Ross: No, I’m saying that I’ll stay home with baby.

Rachel: You’re just trying to get out of having to work.

Ross: Who do you think I am? Chandler?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you like that. (pause) So you’d really quit teaching to stay at home with Alexa?

Ross: Yeah, it’d be fun. I missed out on a lot of moments with Ben when he was young. I’d think it’d be great if I was there all the time.

Rachel: Would you be mad if I decided to stay home?

Ross: No. I’d be okay with that too. Look, why don’t we sleep on it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Rachel: But I have to give my answer to Katie tomorrow.

Ross: Then what do you want to do?

Rachel: I wanna, I wanna, I don’t know. Can I sleep on it?

Ross: Yeah honey, sleep on it. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Chandler has gathered his staff in his office)

Chandler: Well I’ve got some great news.

Co-worker #1: We’re all fired?

Chandler: No. But close.

Co-worker #2: Bill fired you?

Chandler: Ok, enough with the comic relief. Bill has given me $130,000 bonus pool to divide amongst my employees. Bring in the wheel Candace. (a big wheel with different dollar amounts on it). You each get one spin on the wheel. The most you can get is $10,000 and the least you can get is $1,000.

Co-worker #3: What if the total amount doesn’t add up to $130,000?

Chandler: Then the rest of the money is mine.

Co-worker #4: That’s totally unfair! You could wind up with $100,000. I’d rather quit then take this insult.

Chandler: What do you think I should do?

Co-worker #5: You should divide up the money equally. Everyone should get the same amount.

Co-worker #6: But that’s not fair either. I do a lot more work than you do. You sit around and make fun of Chandler all day.

Chandler: You do that Mike?

Mike (co-worker #5): No.

Co-worker #6: You do too.

Chandler: Mike?

Mike: Sometimes.

Chandler: Ok. I’ll see you after this meeting. Any other ideas?

Candace: How about we draw from a hat?

Co-worker #7: We’re not picking teams Candace, we’re talking about money here.

Chandler: Ok, I’ve decided what to do. You are each to write a short paragraph telling me why you deserve a specific amount of money. From there I’ll decide who gets what. You guys are dismissed. Oh, and one other thing, there we’ll be no ass kissing reasons allowed either.

Co-worker #2: Man, this really stinks. I don’t know how to write.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)

Ross: So have you decided?

Rachel: No. I was up all night.

Ross: Oh, I thought you were up because of being uncomfortable being pregnant and all.

Rachel: You knew I was up and you didn’t bother to ask if I was alright?

Ross: Uh….there’s nothing I can really say to smooth this one over is there?

Rachel: It’s ok. I’ve got to get to the office and let Katie know my decision.

Ross: What are you gonna do?

Rachel: I’ll call you later to let you know.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is present. She emerges from the bathroom in a towel as Joey and Phoebe enter)

Joey: Hey Mon!

Monica (nearly dropping her towel): Don‘t you ever knock?

Phoebe: Nice boob Mon.

Monica: (Monica looks down to find her boob showing) Oops. What are you doing here Joey?

Joey: I thought I’d come over and catch the show. It was well worth it.

Monica (mad): What do you want Joe?

Joey: I want the Porsche.

Monica: Do you have the money?

Phoebe: He doesn’t have it yet, but it does all the things on this list by noon, he will.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Joey: Phoebe made a list of things for me to do to earn the money. If I complete them by noon, she’ll give me the $15,000. Will you hold the car until then?

Monica: Fine.

Joey: Great. Phoebe give me the list.

Phoebe: Here you go. There’s five things on there that you have to do by noon and Monica and I have to witness each act.

Joey: I have to kiss Gunther wearing a dress! No way, I’m not doing this. She can keep the car.

Phoebe: That’s all you’re worried about? Look at #3.

Joey: I have to parade down 5^th Avenue nude? I’ll get arrested.

Phoebe: If you want the car, you better get started.

(The following is a montage of scenes of Joey acting out each of the things on the list. The first is Joey, wearing a red dress, walking into Central Perk, grabbing Gunther and kissing Gunther on the lips. Surprisingly, Gunther liked it and tries to kiss Joey some more ‘causing Joey to deck him. The second scene has Joey selling condoms to the hookers on 42^nd Street dressed up as a condom. The third scene has Joey sprinting down 5^th Avenue in his birthday suit. He’s being chased by New York City’s finest. The fourth scene has Joey singing Ave Maria at the top of lungs in Central Park.)

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey, Monica and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Ok Joey, this is the last thing.

Joey: I can’t do it.

Monica: Come on Joe, they‘re harmless.

Joey: You don’t understand, they’re gonna give me nightmares.

Phoebe: You‘ve obviously never tripped acid before.

Monica: Phoebe! You’ve done acid?

Phoebe: Not in this lifetime. When I was alive in the fifties, yeah, I died overdosing on acid. It was horrible.

Monica: Are you ready Joey?

Joey: I can’t do it.

Monica: I guess I’ll sell the car to Rachel then.

Joey: Ok, I’ll do it. It’s just for three minutes right?

Phoebe: Yup. Three minutes. Ready?

Joey: Ready. (Joey places his head in an empty fish tank with the bottom partially cut out- this idea is obviously stolen from Fear Factor so I think you can understand how this looks).

Monica: Here we go! (Monica pours a slew of spiders into the tank) Set the timer Phoebe!

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Chandler has thirty short essays on his desk)

Chandler (VO): There’s no way I’m reading all of these. (over the intercom) Candace, could you please gather my staff.

Candace (over the intercom): You’re done already?

Chandler (over the intercom): Yes, now please have the staff report to my office.

(cut to a short while later)

Chandler: Ok, here’s the deal. Each one of you is getting a $10,000 bonus. The money will be in your next paycheck.

Co-worker #9: You didn’t read any of those paragraphs did you?

Chandler: I read them all. And for those of you who tried to kiss my ass, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Now does anyone have a problem?

All: No.

Chandler: Fine. Now get the heck out of my office, I’ve got work to do.

(The staff all leaves - in the hallway)

Co-worker #9: There’s no way he read mine.

Co-worker #8: Why not?

Co-worker #9: ’Cause I wrote that he was a closeted gay man parading as a heterosexual.

Co-worker #8: No way! That’s what I put too.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is in her office as her boss Katie enters)

Katie: Do you have a decision for me Rachel?

Rachel: Yes Katie. I’m gonna pass on Miami.

Katie: Ok. Can I ask a question?

Rachel: Sure.

Katie: Why?

Rachel: Because I’m gonna be going on maternity leave shortly and truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll be coming back. I don’t want to be one of those Mom’s who‘s daughter is raised by a nanny.

Katie: I understand. What would you say if I told you that we have daycare here in this building?

Rachel: Do we?

Katie: Of course. This is a company founded by a woman and run by women. We’ve got everything here that women want, daycare, free parking, free lingerie. We’ve got it all. So do you still not want to go to Miami?

Rachel: When do I leave?

Katie: Sunday night. The grand opening is next Wednesday. Oh and one other thing…..

Rachel: Yeah?

Katie: Welcome to upper management. You’re our newest Executive Vice President.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey’s present)

Ross (to Rachel): Did you tell them?

Rachel: Not yet.

Monica: Tell us what?

Rachel: I’m the newest Executive Vice President at Victoria’s Secret!

All: Congrats, yeah, yippie….etc.

Chandler: Oh and Monica, I got a $20,000 bonus coming in my next paycheck.

Monica: Sweet! Combine that with the $15,000 I got from Joey for the Porsche, we’ve got a pretty chump of change for a down payment on a house.

Rachel: You sold the Porsche to Joey?

Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry Rach.

Rachel: It’s ok. Ross didn’t want me to buy it.

(Joey enters, all tattered and torn)

Chandler: What the hell happened to you?

Joey: I totaled the Porsche!

Monica: Are you ok?

Joey: I’m fine, but I totaled the Porsche!

Ross: Well that’s what car insurance is for. At least you’ll get your money back.

Joey: What’s car insurance?