THE ONE WITH THE MOVIE STAR

 

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Ross are present)

Joey: Why aren’t you at work Ross?

Ross: It’s Spring Break baby!

Phoebe: Seriously, why are you here?

Ross: I just told you, it’s Spring Break. I have the whole week off.

Phoebe: Oh.

Ross: Why is that so bad?

Joey: Because you’re ruining Phoebe and I’s conversation topic.

Ross: What’s that?

Phoebe: I don’t think we should tell you.

Ross: Come on, I wanna know.

Joey: Fine, Phoebe and I spend Monday morning making fun of you. It’s a Monday tradition.

Ross: That’s really no different than any day of the week for me.

Phoebe: How’s that?

Ross: I’m a professor. My students make fun of me all week.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Rachel are present)

Chandler: I don’t feel so good.

Monica: You felt fine an hour ago when we were getting it on.

Rachel: Hello, I’m in the room!

Chandler: Yeah, but I think all that sex tired me out. I think I’m gonna call in sick to work.

Monica: You call in sick and I guarantee you that you won’t have sex for the rest of the week.

Chandler (getting up): Look at that, I feel better already. Bye sweetie. (kisses Monica) Bye Rach.

(goes to kiss Rachel on the cheek)

Rachel: Don’t you even think about it!

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: ‘Cause I have a feeling I know where your mouth was an hour ago.

Chandler: Good point.

(Chandler leaves)

Rachel: So when’s my baby shower?

Monica: I don’t know. Were you expecting one?

Rachel: Apparently not from you.

Monica: I’m kidding, it’s on Friday.

Rachel: And you’re just telling me now? I could be busy on Friday.

Monica: Are you busy on Friday, at around 3pm?

Rachel: No.

Monica: Then you can come.

Rachel: One question. Seriously, why are just telling me now?

Monica: Because Phoebe obviously forgot to tell you. She was in charge of the invitations.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)

Ross: That totally hot girl over there is checking you out.

Joey: Are you sure she’s not checking you out? (Ross looks over at the girl and she quickly looks away) Guess not.

Ross: Man, sometimes I wish I was still single. I miss picking up hot girls.

Joey: Ross, paying a girl $150 to talk to you is not picking up hot girls.

Ross: You don’t think I knew how to pick up hot girls when I was single?

Joey: Dude, it took you nine years to admit to Rachel that you liked her.

Ross: Yeah but I went out with a lot of cute girls after Rachel and I split up.

Joey: Sure you did.

Ross: I did. There was Chloe, Bonnie, Cheryl, Emily…..

Joey: I’ll give you Chloe, Bonnie and Cheryl, but Emily was a dog. You married a dog just so you could do it doggie-style.

Ross: Elizabeth was cute.

Joey: That was a sick relationship, that doesn’t count.

Ross: Sick?

Joey: She was like 16. You were dating a teenager.

Ross: She was 20.

Joey: That makes it not so sick.

Ross: Rebecca was hot.

Joey: Yeah. I would’ve done her too. But I still don’t think you can do it on a consistent basis like me.

Ross: I bet you I can. I’ll pick up five beautiful women by Friday. Heck, I’ll make sure that you’re present for each number I get. If I do it, you owe me $100.

Joey: And if you don’t?

Ross: Are you kidding me?

Joey: About what?

Ross: I’d owe you $100 stupid.

Joey: Oh. See I didn’t get that. You’re on.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)

Monica: So are you all set for Friday?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: So you mailed all the invitations and everything?

Phoebe: For what?

Monica: What do you mean for what? For Rachel’s baby shower.

Phoebe: That’s this Friday?

Monica: Yes! God, I knew I shouldn’t have let you talk me into giving you responsibilities!

Phoebe: You didn’t let me finish. The invitations went out two weeks ago, 35 people are coming and I hired a male stripper.

Monica: You hired a stripper?!

Phoebe: Yeah right, I just wanted to get a reaction out of you. You look pretty funny when you’re completely in shock.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Joey are present)

Joey: There’s a hot one right over there.

Ross: Where? (camera pans to a gorgeous woman) I can’t ask her for her number.

Joey: Why not?

Ross: ‘Cause she’s way out of my league.

Joey: This is gonna be the easiest $100 I’ve ever earned. Come on, you just have to think that no female is out of your league. You’ve got to go for it.

Ross: Ok. Here, hold this.

Joey: Why are giving me your wedding ring?

Ross: Duh, so she won’t know that I’m married.

Joey: Right. Go on.

(Ross walks over to the woman)

Ross: Hi. I‘m Ross.

Woman: Hi. I’m Kristine.

Ross: Can I buy you a cup of coffee or something?

Kristine: Sure. Weren’t you just over there with Joey Tribbiani?

Ross: Yeah. How do you know him?

Kristine: I’m a big General Hospital fan. Could you introduce me to him?

Ross: Sure. But I gotta tell you something first.

Kristine: What’s that?

Ross: He’s gay.

Kristine: Are you serious?

Ross: Yeah, he just came out of the closet. Do you still want to meet him?

Kristine: Not really. I tried to convert a gay man once and it was a total disaster. Look, I have to go but it’s been real nice talking to you. Here’s my number, maybe we can get together sometime.

Ross: Ok. Thanks.

Kristine: Aren’t you gonna give me your number?

Ross: Right. (writing quickly) Here you go. I’ll see you later.

(Kristine leaves and Ross returns to where Joey is)

Joey: So?

Ross: I got it right here. One down and four to go.

Joey: Why did she point at me?

Ross: She wanted to meet you.

Joey: Well why didn’t you bring her over?

Ross: ’Cause after I told her that you were gay, she didn‘t wanna meet you anymore.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Chandler are present)

Rachel: How are the in-laws?

Chandler: Good. How are your in-laws?

Rachel: Well according to you, they’re good.

(long silence)

Rachel: Hungry?

Chandler: Not really. You?

Rachel: No, I ate an hour ago.

(another period of silence)

Chandler: Shouldn’t Ross be home by now?

Rachel: Yeah. Why are you here again?

Chandler: He owes me money.

Rachel: You’re hiding out from Monica again aren’t you?

Chandler: Yeah, she’s on a cleaning rampage. This morning she found the ketchup stain on the couch.

(phone rings)

Rachel: Hello? (pause) No, he’s not home. Can I ask who’s calling? (pause) Kristine? Does he have your number? (pause) Who am I? Yeah, I’m his pregnant wife. (pause) Hello?

Chandler: Who‘s Kristine?

Rachel: Someone who was very surprised to learn that Ross was married with a kid on the way.

Chandler: He’s pretty much dead?

Rachel: You might wanna leave. It’s not going to be pretty.

(Joey and Ross enter)

Chandler: Too late.

Ross: Hey honey.

Joey: Hiding out from Monica again Chandler?

Rachel: So what were you guys doing?

Joey: Just hanging out.

Rachel: Ross, why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring?

Ross: Ah, ah….Joey wanted to see it and he didn’t give it back to me.

Rachel: Oh. By the way, Kristine called.

Joey: Damn, she called already. You are good at this.

Ross: Shut up Joey.

Rachel: Who‘s Kristine Ross?

Ross: Just some girl I met today.

Rachel: And why is she calling you?

Joey: Duh, for a date.

Ross: Shut up Joey.

Rachel: What’s going on Ross?

Ross: Joey and I made this stupid bet, that’s all.

Rachel: What’s the bet?

Joey: I bet him a hundred dollars that he couldn’t pick up 5 hot girls by Friday.

Rachel: Really. Interesting.

Ross: You mean you’re ok with this?

Rachel: Heck yeah. There’s no way in hell you can do this. Hell it took you nine years for you to admit that you liked me.

Joey: Huh, that’s what I said.

Rachel: I’ll bet you a $200 that you can’t do it either Ross.

Ross: You’re on.

Joey: You have the coolest wife. Phoebe would kill me if I made a bet like that.

Ross: No she wouldn’t.

Joey: You’re probably right. Do you want in Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah. I’ll $100 that Ross can do it.

Ross: Thanks for your support Chandler. At least I have one friend that thinks I can do it. After all, he saw me in action in college.

Chandler: Yeah, I forgot about that. I’ll bet $100 that Ross can’t do it.

Ross: Chandler!

Chandler: Hey, you’re the one who brought up college. The only person you picked up in college was Carol and look at how that turned out.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is cleaning as Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Mon!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: I’m cleaning.

Phoebe: Oh. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

Monica: Wait, why are you leaving? I’m just cleaning.

Phoebe: Do you want the truth?

Monica: Yes.

Phoebe: You clean like a Nazi. Everything has to be perfect. If I touch one thing you’ll bite my head off.

Monica: You’re exaggerating, I’m not that bad. (Phoebe picks up a magazine on the table) What are you doing?

Phoebe: I was gonna look at the magazine.

Monica: Ok. But make sure you put it back where you found it. (Phoebe throws the magazine on the coffee table) Phoebe! What did I just say?!

Phoebe: See, you‘re a Nazi. Bye Mon.

CENTRAL PERK (It’s now Thursday evening. Ross, Rachel and Joey are present)

Joey (in an announcer like voice): Lets see, Ross has only gotten two numbers so far and he’s got about eighteen hours left. Will he make it? Is he starting to feel the pressure? Let’s take a look at the action.

Rachel: Would you please shut up.

Joey: Sorry. There’s one Ross. Go ask her out.

Ross: Don’t mind if I do. Here’s my ring Rach.

Rachel: Good luck honey.

Ross: Rachel! You’re gonna blow it for me.

Rachel: Honey, I’m not the one that’s gonna blow it. You’ll do that all by yourself.

(Ross approaches a lovely brunette)

Ross: Thanks for coming Rhonda.

Rhonda: You know I’m only doing this because you promised to give me a “B” in your class.

Ross: Yes, I know. But look, you can’t tell anyone.

Rhonda: I know. Here’s my number.

Ross: What do you do next?

Rhonda: I call your house and ask for you.

Ross: Right. Here’s my number. Thanks again.

(cut to Joey and Rachel)

Joey: I think we’re in trouble. It looks like he got her number.

Rachel: That’s ok. There’s still no way he’s gonna pull this off.

(Ross returns)

Ross: Well here’s number 3. Her name is Rhonda and here’s her number. Three down and two to go.

Rachel: Congratulations honey. You’re still gonna fail.

Joey: You’ve got a real supportive wife in Rachel there Ross.

(A hot blonde comes in)

Ross: Don’t look now, but I think I’ve found victim number 4.

Rachel: That’s so true, a victim.

Ross: Just watch the master at work.

Joey: What do you mean the master at work? I’m just sitting here.

(Ross goes over to the blonde)

Ross: Hey.

Woman (hugging Ross): Hey Ross. It’s good to see you again.

(cut to Rachel and Joey)

Rachel: This one doesn’t count.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: He obviously knows her.

Joey: How can you tell?

Rachel: He‘s hugging her.

Joey: Maybe she’s just really friendly.

Rachel: He knows her. I can just tell. He’s resorted to cheating.

Joey: Let him cheat. He’s never gonna pull it off.

Rachel: You better be right.

(Cut to Ross and the woman)

Ross: Stop hugging me. You’re gonna blow it for me.

Woman: Oops, I’m sorry.

Ross: So how have you been Regina?

Regina: Good. I’m so glad you called.

Ross: You do realize that I’m married now and that this is just a game. Right?

Regina: That’s ok, I like married men.

Ross: No, you don’t understand, I just need your number.

Regina: But you already have it.

Ross: I know. Look, just write it down on a napkin. That’s all I need.

Regina: Ok. Here you go. Will you call me?

Ross: Yeah, the next time I need a sitter for Ben, I’ll call you.

(Ross returns to Joey and Rachel)

Ross: Well there’s number 4. I just need one more.

Rachel: You do realize that Joey and I know that you know victim number 4.

Ross: I do not!

Rachel: Whatever. You’re still not gonna pull it off.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The next morning. Chandler and Monica are present)

Chandler: What time’s the baby shower?

Monica: For the last time, it’s at three.

Chandler: Ok, ok. It’s at three. Can I hang out in our room?

Monica: No. Go see Ross or Joey. No boys allowed.

(a woman enters from the guest bedroom)

Monica: Good morning Jen. How was your sleep?

Jennifer: It was great. That bed is really comfortable. I especially liked the freshly squeezed orange juice that you put out for me.

Monica: Thank you. (to Chandler) I told you she’d appreciate it.

Jennifer: Now just so I understand, Rachel doesn’t know I’m here, right?

Monica: Right. You’re the surprise guest.

Chandler: I thought I was gonna be the surprise guest.

Monica: You show up at the baby shower and I will kill you by ripping your heart out so everyone can see it.

Chandler: I guess I should be leaving now.

CENTRAL PERK (It’s fifteen minutes to noon. Joey, Rachel, Chandler and Ross are present)

Joey: You’ve got fifteen minutes left there buddy.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: Nervous?

Ross: No. Some hot girl is gonna come waltzing through those doors anyone minute now.

Chandler: Monica’s coming? She can’t know I’m here. I’m supposed to be at work.

(A stunning red head enters. It’s Nicole Kidman)

Joey: Well I think the ultimate challenge has just presented itself.

Rachel: Oh my God, Ross is gonna hit on Nicole Kidman!

Chandler: Who’s Nicole Kidman?

Rachel: Are you serious? That’s Tom Cruise’s ex-wife.

Chandler: I thought Tom Cruise was gay.

Joey: You would know gay boy.

Rachel: Well Ross?

Ross: I can’t do it. That’s Nicole Kidman for Pete’s sake. She’ll laugh me out of this coffee house. Don’t you remember the Isabella Rosellini incident?

Joey: Then you might as well fork your money over now.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys! What’s up?

Rachel: Ross is gonna ask Nicole Kidman for her number.

Phoebe: Cool. I love watching Ross fail.

Ross: Thanks for your support Phoebe.

Phoebe: Anytime gel boy.

Rachel: So are you gonna do it?

Ross: I am. I’m gonna go over there and ask her out. If she says yes, can I go out with her?

Rachel: Honey, if she says yes, you can sleep with her.

Ross: You’re gonna regret saying that Rach.

(Ross goes over to where Nicole Kidman is)

Joey: Oh my God, he’s gonna do it.

Chandler: I can’t watch.

Phoebe: Is this some kind of bet or something?

Rachel: Yeah. Ross has to get one more hot girl’s phone number or he loses $100 to Joey, $200 to me and $100 to Chandler.

(Cut to Ross and Nicole)

Ross: Ms. Kidman?

Nicole: Yes?

Ross: Hi, my name is Ross Geller. I’m a huge fan of yours.

Nicole: Well thank you. It’s always a pleasure to meet a fan.

Ross: I hope I’m not being presumptuous, but I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet you here today.

Nicole: Really?

Ross: Yeah. Would you ever consider going out with someone that’s not a movie star?

Nicole: Maybe. But only if he was cute and wasn’t affected by my star status.

Ross: Would you be interested in grabbing lunch or something?

Nicole: With you?

Ross: Yeah or if not, you could go by yourself. But I do know some great places here in the Village if your interested.

Nicole: I am kinda hungry. I just have one question for you.

Ross: Ok.

Nicole: Why are you shaking?

Ross: ’Cause I’m nervous as hell. I’m actually asking Nicole Kidman out to lunch.

Nicole: Well then, let’s go.

Ross: Are you serious?

Nicole: Sure, why not?

Ross: Alrighty then. Let’s go. What are you in the mood for?

Nicole: Thai food.

Ross: Great. I know the perfect place.

(Ross and Nicole walk out together as the others look on in shock)

Joey: Crap! Did you see that? He got Nicole Kidman to go out with him!

Rachel: Oh my God, and I told him that he could sleep with her if he wanted to!

Phoebe: She is definitely one hot piece of ass.

Chandler: Seriously, is Nicole Kidman a star or something? I mean I know who Tom Cruise is, but what’s Nicole Kidman been in?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The guests are present, as are Phoebe, Rachel, Monica and Jennifer)

Rachel: I can’t believe you made a special trip out here just to be at my Baby Shower.

Jennifer: You know me, I’d do anything for a friend. And besides, Brad is in Haiti shooting a movie. I wasn’t doing anything in Los Angeles, so I figured I’d come out.

Monica: Shall we start opening the baby gifts?

Phoebe: Everyone, if you could gather around the coffee table, Rachel’s going to start opening her gifts. She’s gonna start with mine. This is so exciting!

Rachel: Why are you so excited? What did you get me?

Phoebe: You’ll see. It’s the perfect post pregnancy gift.

Monica: What? Did you get her tequila and leather pants?

Phoebe: Even better.

Rachel (opening Phoebe’s present): It’s, it’s, it’s the biggest dildo I’ve ever seen in my life. This isn’t inappropriate at all.

Mrs. Green: Oh, my daughter got her own little dildo. How exciting!

Rachel: Mom!

Mrs. Green: Don’t be shy dear, every woman gets one sooner or later.

Mrs. Geller: God knows I used mine after Monica was born. I didn’t let Jack touch me for months.

Monica: Mom!

Jennifer: Well as long as we’re doing the nontraditional baby shower gifts, here you go. This is from me.

Rachel (opening the present): It’s, it’s, it’s a trip to Bermuda. Jennifer you really shouldn’t have.

Jennifer: Trust me, after you do all that pushing, you’ll need a vacation. Monica’s already agreed to watch the baby when you and Ross decide to go.

Mrs. Geller: Monica wouldn’t have to volunteer to watch the baby if she spent a little more time in the bedroom instead of cleaning this apartment.

Monica (to Phoebe): And you call me a Nazi? My Mom is the emotional Nazi.

Rachel: Ok. Who’s this from?

Monica: That’s from me.

Rachel: You got me a card?

Monica: Just open it.

Rachel (reading the card): Congratulations Rachel, I love you. Have fun pushing Alexa around in your brand new baby stroller. (Phoebe rolls out a stroller from the guest room)

Monica: Do you like it?

Rachel: I love it. Thanks so much.

(cut to later. Rachel has opened all her gifts)

Monica: Well, it looks like this party is a wrap.

Rachel: Everyone, thanks so much for coming and for the wonderful gifts.

(people start to leave)

Mrs. Geller: Congratulations honey.

Rachel: Thanks Mrs. Geller.

Mrs. Geller: Call me Mom. We’re related after all.

Rachel: Thanks Mom.

Monica: At least someone will admit to being related to that woman.

Mrs. Green: Goodbye dear. Just remember, that dildo that Phoebe gave you will be your godsend some day.

Rachel: Right Mom. Good advice. Not inappropriate at all, but good advice.

Phoebe: That was a great shower.

Rachel: Thanks a lot you guys, I really appreciate it. You guys are the best friends in the world.

(a man suddenly enters)

Man: Is this the Bing residence?

Monica: Ah yes, can I help you?

Man: I’m sorry I‘m late. Is the party over?

Monica: Yes, yes it is. Who are you?

Man: I’m Doug. I was hired by a Ms. Buffay.

Phoebe: The stripper’s here! The stripper’s here!

Monica (shutting the door): Well don’t just stand there, take it off. Take it all off!

Rachel (to Jennifer): Only with my friends do you get a stripper at a baby shower.

Jennifer: Phoebe wasn’t going to get him, but I convinced her to do it. She thought it was inappropriate.

Rachel: If a dildo isn‘t inappropriate, then how could a stripper be?

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA‘S APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Jennifer are present)

Monica: Do you need help bringing all this stuff home?

Rachel: Can I get it later? Ross is out on a date.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Yeah, he picked up Nicole Kidman this afternoon. Actually, I think he took her to lunch. Heck, if he played his cards right, he might even get lucky.

Jennifer: I don’t know about that.

Phoebe: Why?

Jennifer: ‘Cause Nicole Kidman is a lesbian.

Rachel (laughing): Leave it to Ross to pick up another lesbian.