THE ONE WITH A MATTER OF TRUST - PART I
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)
Joey: I miss Hugsy.
Ross: Whoís Hugsy?
Joey: My penguin bedtime pal.
Chandler: How old are you?
Monica: Leave him alone Chandler. You still sleep with your pal.
Chandler: Not for much longer.
Phoebe: What happened to Hugsy Joey?
Joey: Someone stole him!
Chandler: Who would steal Hugsy?
Joey: Thatís what Iíd like to know.
Ross: Maybe it was a lonesome polar bear named Bugsy who stole Hugsy.
Joey: I think Iíd know if a polar bear was in my apartment Ross.
Phoebe: Maybe Hugsy was lonesome and wanted to return to the South Pole. So he got up in the middle of the night, kissed you goodbye and made his way back to the South Pole.
Joey: Now thatís something that definitely couldíve happened.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
(Rachel comes storming in)
Rachel: Guess what? Guess what?
Chandler: YouĎve just been retaining water and youĎre not really pregnant?
Ross: Dude, donít make pregnant jokes, she really hates them.
Rachel: Iím going to San Francisco for a grand opening.
Ross: Great, when do we leave?
Rachel: I leave tomorrow. Youíre staying here.
Rachel: Youíre not going.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: You arenĎt allowed.
Monica: Damn, I wanted to go too.
Rachel: You can come Mon. Itíll be fun.
Ross: Youíre taking Monica and not me?
Rachel: Ok, which part of not being able to come did you not understand?
Ross: But youíre taking Monica.
Rachel: Yes, sheís my sister-in-law, she is allowed to go.
Chandler: Can your brother-in-law go too?
Rachel: He could if he was invited.
Chandler: Youíre a mean sister-in-law!
Phoebe: Can I come?
Rachel: Sure. Weíll make it a girls only trip.
Ross: Now Phoebe can go? Who made these stupid rules at your company?
Rachel: I did.
Joey: Can I go? Iím not working this week. My characterís recovering from the Ebola virus.
Rachel: Sorry Joey, no penises allowed. Itís a girls only trip.
Joey: Damn, I knew having a penis was gonna come back to haunt me.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The girls are getting ready to leave and the guys are seeing them off)
Ross: Next time, us guys are taking a trip and you girls wonít be invited.
Rachel: Good, plan that trip real soon. I could use a vacation.
Phoebe: Are you gonna kiss me goodbye Joey?
Joey: Can I use tongue?
Phoebe: I wouldnít expect anything less. (Joey and Phoebe start making out)
Rachel: I thought those two broke up.
Ross: Itís Phoebe and Joey, does anything ever make any sense?
Monica: Goodbye honey.
Chandler: See ya Mon.
Monica: Arenít you gonna kiss me goodbye?
Chandler: Do I have too?
Monica: Ok, weíve been married too long already. Get over here and kiss me goodbye!
Chandler: With tongue?
Monica: Donít even think about it.
Ross: Goodbye Rach. Stay safe.
Rachel: Bye honey. I promise to take you on the next trip.
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: I love you too. Now give me some loving. (Rachel kisses Ross)
Ross: I canít believe you guys are gonna leave the three of us alone to our own devices.
Phoebe: Yeah, just stay out of my apartment, my devices would throw you guys for a loop.
Rachel: Itís a matter of trust Ross. A matter of trust.
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is looking for Hugsy. Chandler and Ross are just watching him)
Joey: Here Hugsy, here Hugsy.
Chandler: If Hugsy answers Joey Iím running through that door.
Ross: Not if I beat you to it.
Joey: Man, do you really think he left for the South Pole?
Ross: Joey, Hugsy is a stuffed animal. I seriously doubt he has the capacity to get up and walk out of here. Heck, he doesnít even have thumbs, he couldnít even open the door if he tried.
Joey: Thatís a mean thing to say! Hugsy could too walk. Iíve seen him do it.
Chandler: Did you happen to be smoking pot at the time?
Joey: Yeah, so?
Ross: Point proven Chandler.
Chandler: Did you check the spare bedroom?
Chandler: Maybe Courteney stole him.
Joey: Nah, I had him with me when Courteney took all my stuff. Besides, I had him just the other day when I was napping on the couch.
Ross: Well as much fun as this is, we have to do something. The girls are gone for three days and we can do whatever we want.
Joey: Ah, I do whatever I want whenever I want already.
Chandler: Yes, but for Ross and me this is a special event. The chains went away and the balls want to play.
Ross: Are you sure youíre not gay?
Chandler: Why does everyone always ask me that?!
Ross: You found him?
Joey: Oops, itís just a big rat.
SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIA SECRET OFFICES (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: My west coast counterpart is supposed to be here somewhere. Oh, hereís her office right here. You guys hang out here. Iíll come get you in a minute.
Phoebe: Can I roam around?
Rachel: No. Stay with Monica.
Monica: Great, you brought me to play mother to Phoebe.
Rachel: I didnít think youíd mind.
Phoebe: Funny, Iím the oldest one here and Iím the one that you have to watch.
Kitty: Yes, you must be Rachel.
Rachel: Itís me.
Kitty: How was your flight?
Rachel: Great. The hotel ainít that bad either.
Kitty: Where are you staying?
Rachel: The Marriot on 4th Street.
Kitty: Nice. Did you bring your husband?
Rachel: No, I made him stay home. I brought my girlfriends.
Kitty: So youíre into swinging both ways.
Rachel: No, I brought my girl friends. My old roommate Monica and our friend Phoebe. Theyíre right outside, do you want to meet them?
Rachel: Iíll go get them. (Rachel goes to the door) Guys, come on in.
(Monica and Phoebe enter)
Monica: Wow! Look at this view, you can see the Golden Gate Bridge from here.
Phoebe: Hi, Iím Phoebe Buffay, Rachelís lesbian partner.
Rachel: Phoebe! Knock it off!
Phoebe: What? Isnít this San Francisco? Isnít everyone gay? I was just trying to fit in.
Kitty: Hi, Iím Kitty McCormick. And no, not everyone here in San Francisco is gay.
Monica: Hi, Iím Monica Bing.
Kitty: Bing is your last name?
Monica: Unfortunately, yes.
Kitty: So is this your first time to San Francisco?
Phoebe: No, I lived here in the 1970s.
Monica: You did?
Phoebe: Thereís so much that you donít know.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT
Ross: Oh my God, I never realized this but you can totally see into my bedroom.
Joey: Yeah I know. There have been many nights when I havenít been able to sleep where I knew the Gellerís would be there to put on a show.
Ross: You watched us have sex?!
Joey (lying): No! Iím not some peeping tom.
Chandler (to Ross): You should get blinds for that window.
Joey: Then what am I gonna watch when I canít sleep?
Chandler: Letís go to Atlantic City.
Ross: Ah, why?
Chandler: We could have group sex.
Joey: Ok, itís comments like that that make people think youíre gay.
Chandler: Why else would we go to Atlantic City?
Ross: To see shows?
Chandler: Ok, how much of a man are you? To gamble you idiot.
Ross: Howíd we get there?
Joey: Phoebeís cab.
Ross: I could afford to gamble $20.
Chandler (to Joey): Do you have more than $20?
Joey: Dude, IĎve got my credit card. Who needs money?
SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIA SECRET OFFICES (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present. Rachelís counterpart, Kitty is on the phone)
Kitty: Ok, thanks for letting me know. (hangs up the phone) Damn it.
Rachel: Whatís the matter?
Kitty: Two of my models came down with the Flu and I donít have any replacements.
Phoebe: Monica and Iíll do it.
Phoebe: I always wanted to be a model. This seems like a good chance to fulfill that dream.
Kitty: Well Phoebe, youíre gonna get your shot.
Monica: What about me?
Kitty: Iím sorry Monica, but youíre too fat.
Monica: Too fat?
Kitty: Yes, IĎm afraid so.
Monica: How can I be too fat? Iím 5í4Ē and 103 pounds. If I was any thinner, you wouldnít be able to see me!
Kitty: I was kidding. YouĎve got the job.
ATLANTIC CITY - BELLAGIO HOTEL (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present. They are gambling. Chandler approaches Ross who is at a Blackjack table)
Chandler: How are you doing?
Ross: I dunno. I think Iím up three grand.
Chandler (excited): Youíre up $3,000?!
Ross: Dude, chill out or youíre gonna jinx me!
Dealer: Sir, do you wanna hit or not?
Ross: Hit me.
Dealer: Sorry, thatís twenty three.
Ross (to Chandler): See what I mean? Youíre bad luck. Get out of here. Go find Joey or something.
(Cut to somewhere else in the casino. Joey is playing poker.)
Joey (to the Waitress): How you doin?
Waitress: From the look of your stack of chips, better than you are honey. Do you want a drink or not?
Joey: Do we have to pay for them?
Joey: Then Iíll take a six pack of Bud Light.
Joey: Did you know that they give out free alcohol here?
Chandler: Yeah. Their goal is to get you drunk so you spend all your money gambling.
Joey: What a concept! I do the same thing to my dates except that I get them drunk so theyíll sleep with me. They should do that with the waitresses here.
Chandler: How are you fairing?
Joey: I down about five grand.
Chandler: Youíve lost $5,000? Are you crazy?
Joey: Dude donĎt worry about it, I have still got $3,000 left in cash advances on my credit card.
Chandler: You do realize that you have to pay that money back.
Joey: I do?
Chandler: Ah, yeah. Thatís why theyíre called cash advances.
Joey: Oh no. I donít five grand lying around. Chandler, yeah, itís all your fault!
Chandler: What did I do?
Joey: You made me lose all my money! (looks at his cards- he has a Royal Flush) But I think Iím gonna win it all back right here.
SAN FRANCISCO - VICTORIAíS SECRET GRAND OPENING (Monica and Phoebe are backstage)
Monica: I am so nervous I could throw up.
Phoebe: Thatís what the other models are doing. Go for it, youíll fit right in.
Rachel: Are you guys ready?
Monica: I donít know about this.
Rachel: Whatís the matter?
Monica: Whatís the matter? This is whatís the matter. (Monica drops her robe and is dressed in a lingerie) I feel completely naked.
Rachel: Well of course you do, your boob is hanging out. (Monica covers up her chest)
Monica: I am not!
Rachel: Just joking. You look great.
Phoebe: How do I look?
Rachel: Like youíve been an underwear model all your life.
Phoebe (to Monica): Just follow me, youíll do great.
Kitty: Ok ladies, itís show time. Underwear models are first, then the lingerie models and finally the fully clothed models.
Phoebe: Wow, itís like all the stages in dressing yourself.
Kitty: Thatís the plan.
Monica: Except I donít wear heels when Iím dressed in lingerie.
Phoebe: Thatís because youíve never been in a porno.
Monica: You havenít either!
Phoebe: Yes, but my twin sister was in one and you know what they say about twinsÖ.
Rachel: That theyíre both are lunatics. Now go get into position!
Phoebe (to Monica): Geez, sheís really mean as a boss.
ATLANTIC CITY - BELLAGIO HOTEL (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present. They are walking back to the car)
Joey: Man, what time is it? I am so tired and hung over.
Chandler: Thatís because itís five in the morning.
Joey: Then why in the hell are we driving back to the City?
Chandler: Because Dr. Geller is too cheap to get a room and he wants to sleep in his warm bed.
Ross: How much money did you win Joey?
Joey: Five grand. Howíd you do?
Ross: I turned my $20 into 20 grand.
Joey: Youíre kidding me? And you wonĎt spring for a hotel room? You are a cheap bastard.
Ross: What can I say? I played blackjack all night and I kicked some serious ass. I just kept doubling my money. I guess Rach and I are going to go to Hawaii now. Howíd you do Chandler?
Chandler: I donít wanna talk about it.
Joey: Come on, how much did you win?
Chandler: Itís not how much I won, itís how much I lost.
Ross: How much did you lose?
Ross: Thatís nothing to be ashamed about. So you had a bad night. Heck, you got to gamble for ten hours straight.
Chandler: You donít understand. It was Monica and Iís vacation fund. Sheís gonna kill me. I should have never let you guys talk me into going.
Ross: It was your idea!
Chandler: Maybe it was, but when Monica gets home, it was all your guysí idea.
SAN FRANCISCO - MARRIOT HOTEL (The girls have gathered in Rachelís room)
Monica: That was so much fun. I have to do that again!
Rachel: You were totally graceful. You were like a natural up there.
Phoebe: Can we talk about something else please?
Rachel: Aw, Pheebs. It wasnít that bad.
Phoebe: It wasnít that bad? I fell flat on my face! My boob popped out and my underwear took a trip into my crack!
Rachel: I really donít think anyone noticed.
Phoebe: No, that man telling his wife that she should pierce her nipples too wasnít embarrassing at all.
Monica: I wonder what the guys are doing.
Rachel: Itís morning time in New York, we should call them. (picks up the phone and dials) Theyíre probably still asleep.
Phoebe: Iíll never be able to show myself in this town again.
Monica: So you fell, itís not that big of a deal. Besides, you handled it gracefully.
Phoebe: I just wanted for once not to screw up.
Rachel (on the phone): Hi Ross, itís me. If youíre there pick up the phone. (pause) I guess heís still sleeping.
Monica: They probably stayed up really late and partied last night.
Rachel: This is Ross weíre talking about.
Monica: Yeah, but he was with Joey and Chandler.
Phoebe: Are you guys ready to go?
Rachel: Pheebs, itís four in the morning, where are we going?
Phoebe: Isnít our flight in two hours?
Rachel: Thatís tomorrow, not today.
Phoebe: But isnít today tomorrow?
Monica: Pheebs, weíre staying here tonight and then leaving tomorrow.
Phoebe: I know, todayís tomorrow already.
Monica: Ok, have you been drinking again?
Phoebe: No. Look, we got here yesterday, todayís today, and tomorrowís tomorrow. Itís all very simple.
Rachel: Phoebe, itís late and Iím tired. Go to your room and go to bed. I promise that we wonít leave you here.
Rachel: Trust me. Our flight is on Sunday. Today is only Saturday.
Phoebe: Well why didnít you tell me that before I had to explain myself?
SOMEWHERE ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Ross, whoís driving, has been pulled over. Chandler and Joey are asleep in the back of the cab)
Ross: Good morning officer. Can I help you?
Officer: License and registration please.
Ross: Here you go.
Officer: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Ross: Do I look like a girl?
Officer: Answer the question son.
Ross: No officer, Iím not.
Officer: Step out of the car please.
Ross: Ok. (gets out)
Officer: Turn around son and place youíre hands on the hood of the car.
Officer (handcuffing Ross): You under arrest for grand theft auto.
Officer: This vehicle was reported stolen twelve hours ago in New York City.
Ross: But itís our friendís vehicle. She lets us borrow it all the time!
Officer: Tell it to the judge. (walks over to the car) Hey! Hey!
Chandler: Shut up Joey! Iím trying to sleep!
Joey: Dude, I didnít say anything!
Officer (opening the car door): Letís go girls, out of the car.
Chandler: WhatĎs going on? (sees Ross in the back of the police car) Oh sh%t!
Joey: Are we going to jail?
Officer: Yes son. You are going to jail.
Joey: Well thatís one place I didnít think I was gonna spend my weekend.