THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 382 (Monica and Brad are present)

Brad: I really don’t think this is a good idea.

Monica: It’ll be fine.

Brad: You’ve obviously never seen Jennifer when she’s mad.

Monica: You’re her husband. Trust me, she’ll love it. Ok, I’m gonna go now.

Brad: So all I have to do is get naked, put the rose petals on the floor leading to the tub, have red wine in two glasses ready and hope that she investigates.

Monica: That’s it. Romance will take care of the rest.

Brad: What if it doesn’t work?

Monica: Have you ever been electrocuted before?

Brad: No.

Monica: Well there’s a first time for everything.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Jennifer, Brad and Monica are present)

Rachel: That was really nice of Jennifer to pick up the tab at dinner.

Joey: Yeah. Do you think she was mad that I ordered a whole cheesecake to go?

Ross: No, that wasn’t inappropriate at all.

Phoebe: It really sucks when you’re not the only rich friend. I could’ve easily picked up the tab.

Joey: Ah Pheebs, you never pick up the tab when we go out.

Phoebe: That’s because we’re married now. We’re not supposed to do nice things for each other.

(Monica enters)

Chandler: There you are. Where’ve you been?

Monica: I went with Brad to his hotel room.

Rachel: Did you get lucky?

Monica: Oh yeah.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Relax, I’m kidding. I was showing Brad how to get back in Jennifer’s good graces.

Rachel: Let me guess, a bathtub, rose petals and wine were involved.

Monica: Yeah. Have you done that before?

Rachel: No, but I was your roommate when you were dating Richard. There are some things you never forget.

Chandler: You, you did that with Richard? You’ve never done that for me.

Monica: That’s because you’re constantly in trouble with me.

THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 382 (Jennifer is returning to her hotel room)

Jennifer (VO): Wait. I should go to Brad’s room and tell him the good news. What room is he in again? (pause) That’s right, he’s in 869. I’ll wait for him up there.

Brad (VO): Man, look at me. I turning into a wrinkled mess. She better show up soon or my sperm is definitely not gonna work tonight.

THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 869 (Jennifer has convinced the bell boy to let her into Brad’s room)

Jennifer: Thanks for doing this.

Bell Boy: You better be his wife. I could lose my job for this.

Jennifer: I’m his wife. Here. Here’s $200 for your trouble.

Bell Boy: Are you sure you’re not a hooker?

Jennifer: Positive. Now get outta here before I kick your ass.

Bell Boy: Yes ma’am.

Jennifer (shutting the door, VO): Look at this place. He’s got clothes everywhere. He’s such a god damn slob. I think I’ll get undressed and lie down in bed. He should be back soon.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)

Rachel: We’re spending the day together.

Ross: But I already made plans with Joey to play racquetball. It’s my only day off this month.

Rachel: Well you’re canceling them.

Ross: But….

Rachel: No buts Ross. We’re spending today together and that’s final. We haven’t spent much time together lately. Come on, it’ll be fun.

Ross: Fine, what do you wanna do?

Rachel: I wanna go house shopping.

Ross: You know we can’t afford a house right now. What good would house shopping do except reinforce the fact that we can’t afford anything.

Rachel: We can afford a house.

Ross: Why? Did you pay off your mountain of credit card debt?

Rachel: As a matter of fact yes.

Ross: How? You don’t have $20,000 lying around.

Rachel: Yes, but you did.

Ross: Rachel! That money was for Ben’s college fund!

Rachel: Not that money. I didn’t touch that. I used the money you won gambling to pay off my debt.

Ross: You did what?

Rachel: I used your gambling money. (Ross is speechless, gets up from the table and leaves)

Why do I feel like I really screwed up?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)

Joey: Ross is so whipped. He canceled our racquetball game.

Chandler: Why?

Joey: ‘Cause Rachel wanted him to.

Chandler: You know, Phoebe’s gonna start doing that to you soon too.

Joey: No she’s not. She’s just my wife, she doesn’t own me.

Chandler: That’s what Ross told me after he married Rachel for the second time. (pause) Hey, have you told your parents that you’re married yet?

Joey: No. And they’re not gonna find out either.

Chandler: What’s the big deal?

Joey: Remember how I found out that my Dad was cheating on my Mom a couple of years ago?

Chandler: Vaguely.

Joey: Look, don’t use words that I don’t know what they mean.

Chandler: Yes, I remember.

Joey: Well I made such a big stink that marriage was a sacred union and not something to be taken lightly. There’s no way I can let them know that I married Phoebe for a year to punish her for stealing Hugsy.

Chandler: Do they even know who Hugsy is?

Joey: Of course, my Mom gave me Hugsy for my 21^st birthday.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys. Oh Joey, your Mom just called.

Joey: You didn’t say anything to her did you?

Phoebe: Not really. I just invited your parents over for dinner to meet their new daughter-in-law.

Joey: Phoebe!

Chandler (to Joey): You are so screwed.

Jennifer (VO): I’m gonna kill him. Where in hell was he all night? (noticing the rose petals on the floor) What the hell is this? (walks into the bathroom to find Brad asleep in the tub) Brad? Brad, wake up.

Brad: Whoa!

Jennifer: It’s me honey.

Brad: Where’ve you been?

Jennifer: In your room. Have you been in there all night?

Brad: Yeah.

Jennifer: You look like a giant prune. God, if that’s how you’re gonna look when you’re 75, we should divorce right now.

Brad: Thanks honey, I really appreciate that. Are you still mad at me?

Jennifer: A little.

Brad: I’m so sorry I shot my mouth off like that. I’d never hurt you on purpose.

Jennifer: I know that too.

Brad: How’ve you been?

Jennifer: Lonely. I‘ve missed you.

Brad: I’ve missed you too.

Jennifer: I’ve got some good news.

Brad: You’re pregnant?

Jennifer: Not yet.

Brad: Then what is it?

Jennifer: The District Attorney dropped its case against you. You don’t have to appear in court today.

Brad: What happened?

Jennifer: The guy that you hit got arrested for public indecency. The DA felt there was no way to justify their case against you.

Brad: What‘d he do?

Jennifer: He apparently asked Winona Ryder to shoplift this.

Brad: This?

Jennifer: His hard on.

Brad: Anyway….that is great news.

Jennifer: Got room in there for one more?

Brad: Maybe. But I gotta warn ya, the water is really cold.

Jennifer: I think I’ll keep my clothes on then. (Jennifer jumps into the tub)

Brad: Ouch!

Jennifer: Did I get you?

Brad: My boys will be ok eventually.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: Are you ok Ross?

Ross: Huh?

Monica: Are you alright? You keep staring at the wall.

Ross: I’m just upset.

Monica: Why?

Ross: Because I’m about to bounce a $20,000 check.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT

Joey: How could you invite my parents over? I told you that I didn’t want them to find out that we got married.

Phoebe: You never said anything of the sort to me Joey. What’s the big deal? So we’re married, so what.

Joey: You don’t understand. My father hates blonde women. He thinks they’re just dumb people put on the earth so we have somebody to make fun of.

Phoebe: That’s so untrue. You’re just making that up so your parents don’t come here to meet your new bride.

Joey: Is it? Have you ever been around my Dad when there’s a blonde woman around?

Phoebe: You’re Dad’s extra-marital affair was blonde.

Joey: Yeah and he made fun of her constantly.

Phoebe: What’s the real reason Joey?

Joey: That is the real reason Pheebs.

Phoebe: I’m gonna count to three and then you better tell me the real reason. One, two, two and half….

Joey: Fine. When my Dad was cheating on my Ma I made such a big stink that marriage was a sacred union and not something to be taken lightly. I guilted my father into returning to my Mom. There’s no way I can let them know that I married you for a year to punish her for stealing Hugsy. I’d look like a hypo….hypo… something.

Phoebe: Hypocrite?

Joey: That’s the word. Look, can’t I just call my Mom and Dad and call the whole thing off?

Phoebe: No. I wanna meet them.

Joey: Phoebe! Come on, I never ask you to do anything, can’t you do me this one favor?

Phoebe: You used up your favor this morning, remember?

Joey: I did?

Phoebe: The six o’clock booty call.

Joey: Oh. Well then can I ask for this favor? Come on, it won’t kill you.

Phoebe: Fine. (Knock on the door. Phoebe opens the door to find Joey’s parents standing there) Mr. & Mrs. Tribbiani, what an unexpected surprise.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)

Chandler: Thank God today is a holiday.

Monica (laughing): Yeah, you work really hard.

Chandler: Hey, I spent the last week and a half typing performance reviews. They’re a lot of work.

Monica: How can you write performance reviews on your employees when you’re never at work to watch them perform?

Chandler: I have sources. I know who‘s doing their job and who isn’t.

Monica: Who’s your source?

Chandler: Amy, my secretary. She knows all.

Monica: What does she get in return?

Chandler: A five thousand dollar raise.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel (down): Hey.

Chandler: What’s the matter champ? Did you bet on Michelle Kwan winning the gold this year?

Rachel: Who’s Michelle Kwan?

Chandler: The ice….(notices Monica and Rachel are staring at him) I don’t know.

Monica: What’s the matter?

Rachel: I wanted to go house shopping with Ross and he wigged out on me when I told him that I paid off my credit cards with his gambling winnings.

Monica: That’s why he was so distracted.

Rachel: What’d he say?

Monica: Something like he was about to bounce a $20,000 check.

Rachel: Oh no!

Chandler: Why would he bounce a $20,000 check? Does he have a drug habit that I don’t know about?

Monica: That’s not even funny mister.

Chandler: You’re right. Sorry. Maybe he was seeing a high class hooker.

Monica: That’s it. Go home!

Chandler: But….

Monica: Go!

Chandler: Fine, see if I’ll put out tonight.

Monica: You’ve just lost that privilege.

(Chandler leaves)

Rachel: Maybe he bought a car or something?

Monica: Why would you need a car?

Rachel: I know, it doesn’t make any sense. I’m gonna go look for him. Wanna come?

Monica: Nah, I’ve got to go punish my child.

Rachel: You don’t have any children.

Monica: Oh. Then I guess it’s Chandler that has to be punished.

Rachel: I can see how you made your mistake.

52^nd STREET- REMAX REALTORS (Ross is meeting with a real estate agent)

Agent: You’re telling me that you don’t want the flat now?

Ross: Yeah. My wife used my down payment money to pay off her credit cards.

Agent: The title company already cashed your check. You do realize that it’s gonna bounce?

Ross: When did they cash it?

Agent: Yesterday.

Ross: Damn it.

Agent: When did you’re wife pay off her cards?

Ross: I don’t know.

Agent: How can you not know? You don’t just go out and spend 20 grand.

Ross: You obviously have never met my wife.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT

Mrs. Tribbiani: So when did you move in with my son?

Phoebe: A couple of weeks ago. We got tired of keeping two places.

Mr. Tribbiani: You two are living together?

Joey: Yes Dad. We’re living together. But it’s not like we’re married or anything.

Mr. Tribbiani: That’s good son. You know how I think blondes are stupid.

Joey: Dad! Don’t talk about Phoebe like that.

Phoebe: Don’t worry about it Joey, I’m used to ignorant people.

Mr. Tribbiani: Ok Phoebe, let’s see how smart you really are. Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?

Joey: Dad, don’t make blonde jokes, Phoebe hates them.

Phoebe: Wait, I know the answer to this one. It’s because the can said concentrate.

Mr. Tribbiani: Right. Ok, see if you know this one. Why don’t blondes like making Kool Aid?

Phoebe: Because they can’t fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

Mr. Tribbiani: Wow, you’re really smart.

Mrs. Tribbiani: No more blonde jokes honey.

Mr. Tribbiani: Ok, here’s another one. Why can’t blondes dial 911?

Phoebe: Because they can’t find the “11” on the phone. Is that all you got? Come on, these are too easy.

Mr. Tribbiani: Ok Miss Smarty Pants, how can you tell when you get a fax from a blonde?

Joey: Dad, come on. These jokes aren’t even funny.

Mr. Tribbiani: You don’t know this one do you Phoebe?

Phoebe: I got it, the fax has a stamp on it.

Mr. Tribbiani: Ok, last one - What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Phoebe: Run the other way fast, she has a grenade in her mouth.

Mr. Tribbiani: Ok. So maybe not all blondes are stupid.

Phoebe: I don’t know about that, I was stupid enough to marry Joey.

Mr & Mrs. Tribbiani: What?

Joey: She’s kidding. She’s totally kidding.

Phoebe: No I’m not. That’s right, you’re new daughter-in-law is a blonde.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer are present)

Monica: That’s great news that they dropped your case Brad.

Brad: Yeah. I still think I would’ve been found innocent though.

Chandler: Did you have a secret defense or something?

Brad: My attorney was gonna make the plaintiff drop his drawers. The jury would’ve seen how hairy his ass was and would’ve had no choice but to side for me.

Jennifer: Well I think you should just consider yourself lucky. You don’t wanna a reputation around Hollywood as a loose cannon.

Brad: God knows I’m already married to one.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: Did you find Ross?

Rachel: No. He’s nowhere to be found.

Chandler: Did you go to the adult book store on Greenwich?

Rachel: No. Why would I look there?

Chandler: I dunno. I usually go there with him once a week. Maybe he just went by himself this time.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Where in the hell have you been?

Ross: It’s good to see you too honey.

Rachel: Seriously sweetie, I’ve been worried sick. What’s this talk about you bouncing a $20,000 check?

Ross: Can we talk about this in private later?

Rachel: No.

Jennifer: Maybe we should leave.

Brad: We can go grab something to eat and come back.

Monica: We could go to Allesandro’s. I know the head chef personally.

Chandler: Who’s the head chef there again?

Monica: Me you idiot.

(Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer leave)

Rachel: Honey, what happened?

Ross: I had made a down payment on a flat off of 52^nd St.. I was gonna surprise you on your birthday. But now you’ve used my down payment to pay off your credit cards.

Rachel: Wow. I don’t know what to say, except that I’m sorry. But don’t you think that a flat is a rather large purchase that we should talk about before we go an mortgage our future?

Ross: I just thought it’d be a nice birthday present and I didn’t think you’d mind. It’s right downtown about three blocks from your office.

Rachel: Really? That close to work? Is there any way we can afford it without the down payment money?

Ross: Yeah, we could’ve swung it but it’s not gonna happen now.

Rachel: Why not?

Ross: Because my check bounced as high as the Empire State Building. The seller doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

Rachel: Would a trip by your sexy wife change anything?

Ross: If you can get a gay couple to change their minds using your sexuality, yeah.

Rachel: They’re gay?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Maybe we should send Chandler.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer are present)

Monica: So how long are you guys here?

Brad: We fly out tomorrow.

Jennifer: I can’t wait. We’re gonna try and conceive on the airplane.

Chandler: Conceive what? A hijacking?

Monica: Go to your room!

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Because I said so! You can’t make jokes like that after what happened on September 11!

Chandler: I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.

Brad: I thought it was funny.

Chandler: At least someone has a sense of humor around here.

Jennifer: Do you wanna join him in his room?

Brad: Did I say it was funny? I meant to say it wasn’t funny at all.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: I thought you were having dinner with Joey’s parents.

Phoebe: I am. I just left to get some air.

Chandler: Joe Sr. smoking his cigars again?

Phoebe: More like smoking Joey’s ass. His parents are a little upset that they weren’t invited to our wedding.

Monica: You got married at the courthouse with Ross and Rachel as your witnesses, they didn’t miss much.

Phoebe: Yes, but after I elaborated a little on our ceremony, it turned into a big mess.

Jennifer: What did you say?

Phoebe: That we had 600 people at the wedding and absentmindedly forgot to invite Joey’s parents. You should’ve been there, it was a huge party. We had strippers and everything.

Brad: You had strippers at your wedding?

Phoebe: Yeah. At least at our imaginary one. I’ve got to go rescue my husband. See ya guys.

Brad: She really is crazy.

Chandler: Phoebe? Nah, she‘s just in her own little universe.

Monica: The bizarro world.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT

Mr. Tribbiani: You went and had a big wedding and didn’t invite your parents and your sisters? What’s the matter with you?

Joey: I didn’t have a big wedding. Phoebe’s just messing with you.

Mrs. Tribbiani: Either way Joseph, how could you get married and not tell us? Are we unfit parents?

Joey: No. Phoebe just stole Hugsy and her punishment is that she had to stay married to me for a year. It’s not like we can’t see other people. In fact, I had a date just the other night and she did too.

Mrs. Tribbiani: She stole Hugsy, your bedtime sleeping pal, and you still married her? Are you crazy?

Joey: It was the best way to punish her Ma.

(Phoebe enters)

Mr. Tribbiani (to Phoebe): You’re back. Answer me this, you went on a date behind my son’s back after you married him?

Phoebe: Yeah. It was part of the deal. But hey, at least I didn’t sleep with my date.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You lost your virginity to someone else and not to your wife?

Joey: Ma, you know I lost my virginity when I was 11.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You did?

Mr. Tribbiani: I thought you knew.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You knew this and didn’t say anything to me?

Joey: Ma, it‘s not that big of a deal.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You know pre-marital sex is against the teachings of the Catholic Church! You’re gonna go straight to hell.

Phoebe: Well then he punched his ticket at an early age.

Mrs. Tribbiani: And now you’ve gone and made a mockery out of marriage.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. We’re not making a mockery out of marriage. I love your son deeply.

Joey: You do?

Phoebe: I do. And Joey loves me deeply.

Joey: That’s right, I do.

Mr. Tribbiani: You’re in love with a blonde woman?

Joey: That’s right Dad, I’m in love with Phoebe.

(uneasy silence)

Mrs. Tribbiani: Well, welcome to the family Phoebe.

Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah dear, thanks for making a honest man out of my son.

Phoebe: My pleasure.

Mr. Tribbiani: Well we better go. It’s a long way back to Brooklyn.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You call me Joey. You‘re going to confession the next time you visit.

Phoebe: Does the priest have that much time? (Joey and Mr. & Mrs. Tribbiani just stare at Phoebe) What?

Joey: I’ll call you Ma.

(Joey’s parents leave)

Phoebe: Do you think they bought it?

Joey: Bought what?

Phoebe: That “we’re in love” crap.

Joey (disappointed): Totally. Like I’m in love with you. The day that happens is the day I shave my head.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Ross: So how did the dinner with Joey’s parents go?

Joey: Fine.

Phoebe: According to Joey’s mother, he’s going straight to hell.

Rachel: Why?

Phoebe: Apparently pre-marital sex is against Catholic Church teachings.

Monica: Then Joey cemented his place in hell when he was very young.

Ross: It’s a good thing the Jewish faith doesn’t subscribe to that teaching.

Monica: Actually Ross, the Jewish faith does.

Chandler: I think it’s against the teaching’s of all religions.

Phoebe: Nah uh.

Chandler: Tell me one religion that doesn’t Pheebs.

Phoebe: The Universal Church of Goddesses.

Monica: I’ve never heard of that religion.

Phoebe: It’s a great religion. You can do anything you want and as long as you say your sorry to God at the end of the day, you won‘t go to hell.

Chandler: Ok, let me clarify my question. Tell me what religion that you don’t make up that allows pre-marital sex.

Phoebe: Oh, then no, no such religion exists.