THE ONE WHERE JOEY CANíT KEEP SECRETS
Written by:†† Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica, Ross and Joey are present)
Monica:† Geez Rach, you look like hell.
Rachel:† I am so tired.† I could fall asleep right here on this couch.
Joey:† Hot sex last night Rach?
Rachel:† Iím four months pregnant Joey, the only hot sex Ross is having is with himself.†
Joey:† Hate to be you man.†
Ross:† I donít want to be me either.†
Monica:† You guys canít have sex anymore?†
Ross:† Apparently not.†
Rachel:† Itís too difficult and uncomfortable.†
Joey:† So get creative, do it in the butt.†
Joey:† What?† Itís the next best thing.†
Monica:† For Ross.†
Rachel:† Yeah, I donít think so, that area is a one-way only zone, and thatís outward.†
Joey:† You donít know what youíre missing.† (Ross, Rachel and Monica look dumbfoundedly at Joey).† Wait a minute, that didnít come out right.†
JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Rachel are present)
Joey:† You know, we never hang out like we used to.†
Rachel:† Joey, you and Iíve never really hung out.†
Joey:† Sure we have.† Donít you remember the time when I moved in?† You offered me lemonade and I thought you meant something else.† I took off my clothes only to learn that you just wanted to give me some lemonade.†
Rachel:† Joey, that was Monica and you.† I didnít move in with Monica until 2 years later. And for the record, Iíve never seen you naked.†
Joey:† Wanna fix that?
Rachel:† No, itís bad enough that I have to see Ross naked.†
Joey:† Hairy ass?
Rachel:† Like a dense forest.
(short period of silence)
Joey:† Wanna go fishing?† We could go out on Mr. Beaumont.
Rachel:† I thought you sold Mr. Beaumont?
Joey:† Right.† I always forget about that.† Iím sure Chandler wouldnít mind if we used Ms. Icicle Woman.
Rachel:† You sold Mr. Beaumont to Chandler?†
Joey:† Yeah.† He wanted it so I sold it to him for $5,000.†
Rachel:† Joey, you paid $20,000 for that boat.†
Rachel:† Donít ya think that Chandler ripped you off?
Joey:† I needed the money.† He had money, so I sold it to him.† Besides, what was I gonna do with a boat?†
Rachel:† Does Monica know that Chandler bought the boat?
Joey:† Yeah right.† There are a lot things that Monica doesnít know about Chandler and thatís one of them.
Rachel:† Chandlerís keeping secrets from Monica?
Joey:† I dunno.† Is he?
Rachel:† You just said that he is!
Joey:† Well I guess he is then.† Itís kinda like how Ross doesnít want you to know that heís taking you to Hawaii in February.††
Joey:† Uh oh.† (pause)† Letís go get some pizza.†
Rachel:† Wait a minute Tribbiani!† Sit your ass back down!† Ross is taking me to Hawaii?
Joey:† No.† Whereíd you get that from?
Rachel:† Thatís so sweet, I canít believe him.
Joey:† Look Rach, Ross confided in me about the whole trip, so please donít say anything to him.†
Rachel:† Ok, I wonít say anything.† At least I wonít say that youíre the one who told me.†
Joey:† Seriously Rachel, donít say anything to Ross.† Heíll never trust me with a secret again.†
Rachel:† So what other secrets do you know?
Joey:† No way.† Iíve already given away the farm.†
Rachel:† Come on Joey, I know you want to tell me.†
Joey:† Phoebe has pierced nipples.† Can we go get a pizza now?†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)†
Ross:† Have you heard from Mom and Dad?†
Monica:† No.† Why?
Ross:† Huh.† Thatís odd.† They said they were gonna call you.†
Monica:† Is there something I should know?
Ross:† Yeah.† Their 35th wedding anniversary is on Friday and theyíre having a big shindig at the house.† All of our relatives and their friends are gonna be there.
Monica:† Thatís just like Mom.† Sheíll probably wait until Friday to call hoping that I canít make it.†
Ross:† Donít be like that Mon, Iím sure sheíll call today.† She wants you and Chandler to be there.† Why else would she ask me for your number?†
Monica:† My number!† Iíve lived in the same apartment for ten years!† My phone numberís never changed!†
Ross:† Ok, youíre breaking the sound barrier again.† Calm down.† Momís getting old, I had to remind her that Rachel and I are married now and expecting her second grandchild.†
Monica:† Oh.† Thatís a little better.
Ross:† I wanted to see if you and Chandler wanted to go in on a gift with Rachel and me.†
Monica:† Yeah, I guess.†
Ross:† Do you have time right now?†
Monica:† Yeah.† What do you want to get them?†
Ross:† Tickets to Hawaii.† I found cheap airfare and inexpensive accommodations for a week.† I was gonna take Rachel, but I couldnít get time off from work.†
Monica:† I guess we could do that.†
Ross:† That not good enough?
Monica:† I was thinking weíd send Dad to Hawaii and Mom to Siberia.†
Ross:† They really screwed you up, didnít they?
Monica:† I survived.† And besides, I got Dadís Porsche.†
Ross:† Ah yes, nothing like a little bribery to help you forget your terrible upbringing.†
CENTRAL PERK† (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler:† Wanna go fishing?
Phoebe:† Thatís what Iíve been doing.†
Phoebe:† Iíve been fishing for guys since we got here.† See, thereís a cute guy right over there.†
Chandler:† He is kinda cute.†
Phoebe:† Are you sure youíre not gay?†
Chandler:† Last time I checked, no.†
Phoebe:† You might wanna check again.††
Chandler:† Wanna go to the office with me?† My secretaryís on vacation.†
Phoebe:† I could be your secretary again?
Chandler:† If you want.† Or you could do my work for me.†
Phoebe:† What is it that you exactly do now?
Chandler:† I donít know, but if you figure it out while weíre there, let me know.†
TONYíS PIZZA (Rachel and Joey are eating lunch)†
Joey:† This is the life.† I love pizza.†
Rachel:† More than sex?†
Joey:† Whoa!† I love no one more than sex.†
Rachel:† I love Ross more than sex.†
Joey:† Yeah right.†
Rachel:† I really do.†
Joey:† Then youíre demented.
Rachel:† So Phoebeís nipples are pierced?†
Joey:† Whereíd you here that?†
Rachel:† You told me right before we left your apartment.†
Joey:† Donít say anything to Phoebe.† Sheíd kill me if she found out I told you.†
Rachel:† I wonít say anything.† Does she have earrings in them?
Joey:† Small hoop earrings.† But thatís nothing, Monica has a piercedÖ.
Rachel:† A pierced what?†
Joey:† I canít say it.†
Rachel:† What region are we in?†
Joey:† Below the equator.†
Rachel:† Monica has her, herÖ.(quietly) its pierced down there?†
Joey:† According to Chandler.†
Rachel:† Oh my God, thatís unbelievableÖ.and very sick!† Why in the world did she do that?†
Joey:† According to Chandler, Monica heard from a co-worker that having that pierced would enhance sex.† So she did it.† She loves it as a matter of fact.†
Rachel:† When did she do it?
Joey:† Right before they got married.† It was her wedding present to Chandler.†
Rachel:† Was it painful?
Joey:† How the hell should I know?† Look, youíre dangerous to hang out with.† Youíre gonna get me in so much trouble.† The only personís secrets I havenít shared are yours.†
Rachel:† I donít have any secrets Joey.†
Joey:† Oh really?† Are you sure?
Rachel:† Positive.† Iíd think Iíd know if I had any secrets.†
Joey:† So that fact that you named your vibrator Big Mean Plunging Machine doesnít mean anything to you?
Rachel (embarrassed and upset):† Who told you that?
Joey:† Iím not gonna kiss and tell.†
Rachel:† It was Ross wasnít it?† That bastard!†
Joey (laughing):† Not even close.†
Rachel:† It wasnít Ross?†
Rachel:† But the only other person who knows that isÖ.
Joey:† Thatís right, Monica.†
CHANDLERíS OFFICE (Chandler and Phoebe are present)†
Phoebe:† You need to start coming to work more often.† I canít believe you walked into the wrong office twice.
Chandler:† Yes, but my employees donít know that so keep quiet.†
Phoebe:† What do you want me to do?
Chandler:† I dunno.†
Phoebe:† Well what does your secretary do all day?
Chandler:† She makes up excuses for me.†
Chandler:† Yeah, like why am I not in my office.† Those type of things.†
Phoebe:† What does she say?
Chandler:† I dunno.† Whatever she says it obviously works.†
(Bill, Chandlerís boss enters)
Bill:† Decided to come into work today Bing?
Chandler:† Iíve got a lot of work to do sir.† I was just showing my temp secretary the rigors of the job.†
Phoebe:† Hi, Iím Regina Filange, Chandlerís new temp secretary.
Bill:† Have you worked as a secretary before?
Phoebe:† Yes, I temped in the White House.† I was President Clintonís secretary during the Lewinsky scandal.††††
Bill:† You worked for the President?†
Phoebe:† Yes sir.† I fixed him his coffee every morning for a year.† I also shredded documents for him.†
Bill:† Isnít that illegal?
Phoebe:† Only if you get caught.†
Bill:† Well Iíll let you get to work Bing.† Sounds like your temp has things under control.† (Bill leaves)
Chandler:† Phoebe!† What are you doing?†
Phoebe:† I was just having a little fun.†
Chandler:† Working for the President of the United States?† Have you lost your mind?†
Phoebe:† What?† Itís not like heís ever gonna see me again after today.† Now letís get to work.†
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)
Monica:† Well that was Mom.† I guess she didnít forget to invite Chandler and I after all.
Ross:† See, I told you sheíd remember to invite you and Chandler.†
Monica:† Yeah, but your not catering the party.†
Ross:† She roped you into catering the party?
Monica:† Yes.† She said she wanted to give me ample time to prepare the food.†
Ross:† You should be honored.† That means Mom likes your cooking.†
Monica:† No, it means that Mom and Dad are too cheap to hire a caterer themselves.†
Ross:† How do you know?
Monica:† I made the mistake in asking.†
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross:† Hey Pheebs and Joe, you guys are going to my parentsí anniversary party right?†
Phoebe:† When is it again?†
Ross:† Itís tomorrow.†
Phoebe:† Was I invited?
Rachel:† No.† They invited everyone else but you Phoebe.
Phoebe:† I guess Iím not going.†
Monica:† Phoebe, you were invited.† I left the message on your machine.†
Phoebe:† Oh, that explains why I didnít know.† I havenít listened to my messages for two months.†
Chandler:† Why not?
Phoebe:† I wanna to see how many calls I get in a three month period.†
Ross:† Huh, that explains why you didnít show up for Benís birthday party.†
Phoebe:† Ben had a birthday party and I wasnít there?†
Ross:† Did you check your messages?†
Ross:† Then thatís why you werenít there.†
Phoebe:† Wait a minute.† Was I still going out with Joey then?
Joey (quickly getting up):† Whatís that Gunther?† Yeah, Iíll be right there.†
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are reading in bed)
Rachel:† So I spent the day with Joey the other day and did he have some interesting secrets to tell.†
Ross:† Whatís he doing spilling secrets if theyíre supposed to be secrets?
Rachel:† Heís Joey, what do you expect?
Ross:† So what did he to say?
Rachel:† Did you know that Phoebe has pierced nipples?
Rachel:† Yup.† But thatís not the best one.† Guess what your sister did?
Ross:† She pierced her nipples too?†
Rachel:† Think below the belt.
Ross:† She got a tattoo down there?!
Rachel:† Nope. She did something else down there.
Ross:† What could she have possibly done down there if she didnít get a tattoo?†
(Ross and Rachel sit quietly for a moment)
Rachel:† Any idea?
Ross:† She didnít!†
Rachel:† Yes she did.† According to Chandler, she did it for his wedding present!
Ross:† Oh my God! I suddenly donít want to see her face ever again!
Rachel:† So, should I take some time off in February?
Ross (miffed but not showing it):† Why would you do that?
Rachel:† I just heard through the grapevine that weíre taking a trip.†
Ross:† We are?† Where?
Rachel:† You mean weíre not taking a trip?†
Ross:† Not that I was aware of.†
Rachel:† But Joey said you and I were going to Hawaii.
Ross:† Then Joeyís been smoking pot again.† Weíre not going to Hawaii.†
Rachel:† Oh.† Then maybe the other stuff isnít true either.†
Ross:† Maybe not.† He is Joey after all.†
THE GELLERíS ANNIVERSARY PARTY (Everyone is present)†
Joey (to Phoebe):† Whereís Chandler?†
Phoebe:† Heís helping Monica in the kitchen.
Joey:† That does it he can no longer be classified as a man.†
Phoebe:† Was he ever a man?
Joey:† Between you and I, no.†
Jack (to Ross):† Son, thanks for the tickets to Hawaii and the hotel accommodations.†
Ross:† Your welcome Dad, but donít forget, theyíre from Monica, Chandler, and Rachel too.
Judy:† Where is my daughter-in-law?† I have to say hello.†
Ross:† Have you said hello to Monica Mom?
Judy:† Monicaís here?
Judy:† Iím kidding.† I already thanked Monica for coming.† Now whereís Rachel?
Ross:† Yeah, sheís upstairs throwing up in the bathroom.† Her morning sickness came back with a vengeance today.
(Cut to the Kitchen)
Monica:† Have you seen my Mother yet?†
Chandler:† Yeah, she said hello when I went out to put the appetizers on the table.†
Monica:† This is just like her, I slave over the food and she doesnít even offer to help, let alone say hello.†
Judy:† Hi dear.† Howís the food coming?
Monica:† Itís nice to see you too Mom.† Oh, and the foodís coming along just fine.†
Judy:† Thatís great dear.† Come say hi to everyone when you get the chance.† (Judy leaves)
Monica:† You see what I mean!†
Chandler:† I love you for what thatís worth.†
Monica:† Oh, thatís so sweet.†
(Cut to the Family Room)
Ross (to Joey):† Hey, I need to speak to you.
Ross:† Did you tell Rachel that I was taking her to Hawaii?
Joey:† Was I not supposed to?
Ross:† Damn it Joey!† I couldnít get time off work so I canít take her.
Ross:† Whyíd you tell her in the first place?
Joey:† It slipped out.† I was explaining to her how Chandler bought Ms. Icicle Woman.
(Monica approaches and is within earshot)
Ross: Ms. Icicle Woman?
Joey:† Yeah, thatís what he calls my old boat, Mr. Beaumont.† But look Monica doesnít know that Chandler bought it, so keep quiet.†
Monica:† Iím afraid itís too late for that Joey!†
Joey:† Uh oh!†
Ross:† I supposed you want to tell Monica that you told Rachel that Mon has her, her, well you know her region below her belt pierced.†
Joey:† Ross!† What are you doing?!
Monica:† Joey!† Whereíd you hear that?!††††
Joey:† I have no idea what heís talking about!†
Monica:† Chandler!† Chandler get out here now!†
(Rachel and Phoebe join the conversation as Chandler emerges from the kitchen.† The rest of the guests are staring at the group)
Chandler: Whatís the matter?† Are you ok?†
Monica:† Does Ms. Icicle Woman mean anything to you?!†
Chandler:† Can we talk about this later?
Monica:† Sure, right after we talk about why the whole world knows that I pierced my, my, well you know what!†
(cut to across the room)
Judy:† What did she pierce Jack?
Jack:† Her nipples?†
Judy:† Oh my God, I think Iím gonna faint.
(cut back to the group.† Ross notices Phoebe is laughing)†
Ross:† I wouldnít laugh too hard Phoebe, Joey also told Rachel that you pierced your nipples!†
Phoebe:† So?† I like the way they look.† I have fabulous nipples.†
Ross:† Did I cover everything Joey?†
Joey:† Donít forget about Rachelís secret.†
Rachel:† Donít you dare Joey!
Joey:† Rachel calls her vibrator the Big Mean Plunging Machine.
Rachel:† Youíre a dead man Tribbiani!†
Phoebe:† Well that was fun.† Now everyoneís mad a Joey.
Rachel:† Furious is a more appropriate word.† My parents are here for Christís sake.†
Phoebe:† Well I donít think we should let Joey off the hook.† I think I should share with you all the dirty little secret Mr. Tribbiani has been keeping from us all for the past eight years.†
Joey:† Donít do it Phoebe!†
Phoebe:† You shouldíve thought of that before you told everyone those secrets.†
Joey:† Phoebe please!† Iíll do anything!†
Ross:† Out with it Phoebe.†
Monica:† Yeah, I wanna know now!†
Chandler:† I hope itís not what I think it is.† (Phoebe whispers into Chandlerís ear)† Yeah, itís what I think it is.†
Rachel:† What is it Pheebs?†
Phoebe:† Joey was born with only one testicle. Heís half the man you think he is.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is present.† Joey is in a big wooden box)†
Phoebe:† I think thatíll keep him locked up for the night.†
Rachel:† So how long is he staying in there?†
Ross:† Not long enough.†
Monica:† What did we agree on?† 48 hours?
Chandler:† Thatís some serious time to do some serious thinking Joe.†
Phoebe:† What if he has to go to the bathroom?†
Monica:† Heís got bottles to pee in and a small trash can to do the other business.† Heís got it easy, we even gave him a flashlight so he can do all that accurately.†
Rachel:† Goodnight Joey.†
Monica/Phoebe/Ross:† See ya Joey.
Chandler:† Iíll check in on you in the morning Joe.
Joey (thinking everyone but Chandler has left):† Hey Chandler?
Chandler:† Yeah Joe.
Joey:† You didnít tell them the other secret did you?†
Chandler:† The one about Janice?
Joey:† Yeah. Iíd be totally embarrassed if they found out that I slept with her.
Chandler:† Donít worry about Joey, your secret is safe with me.†
(The others exit laughing)†
Joey:† Oh no!†