The One With All the Secrets


Introduction: As you know, this is my second fanfic, of my alternate season five.please tell me what you think, and also email me on suggestions and ideas. thanx :)


[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Rachel and Chandler are present. Chandler,Joey and Phoebe are on the couch when Chandler's on the rare left and Phoebe on the rare right, and Rachel's sitting on the chair.]

Phoebe: So, it seems, all in all, that you had a great time.

Joey: Well, we did. but I missed it all here y'know? I missed the duck, you, the babies,pizza, beer

Chandler: You could have gotten beer in England too Joe.

Joey: Well, Yeah, but it wouldn't taste the same. and it will be dangerous because of the mad cow and all that stuff...

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Honey, are you alright? You did the right thing you know.

Rachel: I Know I did the right thing...but still. It's hard just trying to spend time with you guys when he's there, with (makes a sour face) Emily. I know that I've had my chance with him but I want another shot.

Phoebe: Oh honey (starts to go up and hug her)

Rachel: Don't get up! (goes to her and hugs are, Phoebe is sitted)

(Rachel hugs Phoebe real hard, practically strangling her)

Phoebe: Um Rach, you know, you're squishing me!   (Gunther walks by and hears the remark, to Chandler)

Gunther: Oh, wouldn't I like to be the blond pregnant ditzy...(walks off with a dreamy look on his face. Chandler makes a face)

-Opening Credits-

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's appartment. Monica is doing the dishes. Chandler enters the appartment. she can't hear him since she only hears the water running. he grabs her waist from behind and whispers in her ear.]

Chandler: Hi, I'm a sailor and I'm new in town.

Monica: (turns over to him) Wait a minute...I'm not that easy!

Chandler: I've got farm animals!

Monica: (thinking) Um...that should do it (they start to make out).

Monica: (still kissing him, concerned) Wait, Chandler, what if someone catches us?

Chandler: (still kissing) It's easily explained- farm animals work on every chick

(They continue to make out, no longer concerned. a knock is heard on the door)

(They continue to make out. only when the door opens they jump apart. It's Emily)

Emily: It's okay guys, it's just me.

Chandler: Oh. okay. (he starts kissing Monica again)

Emily: But Ross is coming up the stairs.

Chandler: (breaks apart) Oh.

Monica: Emily, what's taking Ross so long?

Emily: Oh, you'll see (smiles) you're gonna have a kick of this.

[We see Ross, entering the apartment, almost un conscience. he's wearing spandex, extremely tight material, and a band wrapped around his head. he's practically falling apart. Monica starts laughing histerically(like the crowed I presume would too)]

Chandler: Wait a minute! (runs to Monica's room, and we can hear him laughing so hard, his tonsils go out his throat).

Monica: Oh...my...god!!!

Ross: Ha ha, very funny, do you mind helping me to the couch?

Monica: (still laughing) Sorry...(she and Emily carry Ross to the couch).

(Chandler returns from the bedroom, calms down a bit)

Ross: Now are you done?

Chandler: Hold on (goes to the room again and laughes so hard again. Ross frowns)

Monica: Ross, are you about to grow hard and start singing aquarias?

Ross: Oh, ha ha brunette devil.

Monica: No really, what's going on? Are you aware of how you look?

Emily: Well, today Ross met a friend from high school, and after they exchanged their hellos, this John guy maybe mentioned Ross growing a belly, but he was only joking Ross!

Ross: You don't know John, he never jokes. He's too darn depressive and realistic. after a converstaion with him, no one bought lunch at the cafateria, they all brought sandwiches from their moms, when he talked about the financial future of wall street, and the American vision.

Emily: So you walked from the end of town to here by foot, wearing this spandex!

Monica: (about to burst) I think I'm gonna join Chandler.

(Monica runs to the other room. Chandler, meanwhile calmed down and wasn't laughing anymore. a few seconds after Monica got into the room, outrages laughes comes from the other room. Emily and Ross look at each other, Emily smiles and hugs Ross).

[Scene: A clinic waiting room. Joey and Rachel are sitted, waiting for Phoebe to come out. Rachel's reading a magazine and Joey looks at the nurses).

Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Well, two monthes ago, I saw beautiful nurse, and I wanted to ask her out, but she was bussy kissing another woman in the corner, so I figured that maybe I'll meet her today.

Rachel: Joey, if she kissed a woman, that means she only kisses women, not men.

Joey: Not necessarily. y'see, I saw on Ricky Lake...(cut off by Rachel)

Rachel:(shouts) Joey!!! Not now!

Joey: (sad, about to switch to tears, like a small child) Well, you don't have to yell...

Rachel: (hugs him) I'm sorry Joey, I'm sorry. I'm just, y'know, still upset about Ross.

Joey: Hi, I know what will cheer you up!

Rachel: (Excited) You're going to tempt Emily?

Joey: Well no..but I could do it...no, I can't do it to Ross. I mean, you gotta get over this. I say, buy a dog!

Rachel: What? How can a dog help me get over Ross?

Joey: Well, I had this friend who was really upset about his girlfriend leaving him, so he bought a chiwawa and felt much better!

Rachel: Yeah, well Monica will not let me have a dog in the appartment.

Joey: You don't have to tell her.

Rachel: Joey, she lives with me. she knows where I keep my underwear.(pause) (Joey's about to speak) No, you may not talk to her.

Joey: Well, Vini, my friend, knew that his roomate wouldn't want a pet in the house too. so, he brought it over, hid it a couple of days from his roomate, and then when his roomate so the dog, he couldn't return it 'cause he fell in love with it. and Monica still misses her childhood dog right?

Rachel: Well...(Phoebe arrives)

Phoebe: So, I'm about to give birth any day now. the worse that could happen is that I'll deliver it in Monica's balcony, no one will be home, the weather will be freezing, and we're gonna have to take a rope from the roof, tie it from the balcony edge to Ugly naked guy's flat, where the babies will have un - reversable damage for the rest of their lives. but I'm cool with it.

[Scene: The hallway between the appartments. Ross is running up a few stairs, and back, automatically. Chandler walks out of his apartment].

Chandler: (trying real hard not to laugh) Come on Ross, you're gonna cause me a hernia!

Ross: (stops, sits on the stair) Chandler, do you find me attractive?

Chandler: Get away from me man!

Ross: I'm serious. sit down.

Chandler: (sits down) Ross, seriously, let it go.

Ross: Chandler, I can't. You know, I'm afraid I'm getting older, becoming into my dad...I wanna stay young. I wanna be attractive. a babe magnet.

Chandler: Let me know when you will. Kidding. Ross, why is the sudden urge to be attractive?

Ross: Chandler, everybody's got that urge. even...even Gunther.

Chandler: Then how come he doesn't know about it yet? seriously, you don't need to be a babe magnet. you already have a gorgeous girlfriend, and an admirer. (stands up)

Ross: Whoa, wait...an admirer? as in a lady admirer? who?

Chandler: I promised Monica I'll help her re decorate her closet...(starts to walk towards the girls apartment, Ross stops him)

Ross: Chandler, who is she?

Chandler: Ross, this is gone way beyond deja vu level man, I can't tell you.

Ross: Come on, Chandler you're my best friend. If I knew someone who admired you, I would've told you about it!

Chandler: Wow, Ross, Emotional blackmale does not work for me man!

(Ross gives him a puppy look)

Chandler: Ross, don't, Ross, don't, ROSS! (gives up) Okay, okay I give up. I'll tell you

Ross: well?

Chandler: It's um, R...(brain storm) Phoebe!

Ross: (shocked, sucks it in) What? Phoebe? as in Phoebe Buffay?

Chandler: Um, yeah! Y'know, she's just caught up with you these past month. she even called all the time to the church, hoping that something will get ruined...but, I'm sure it's just because of her pregnancy and hurmons, and once she gives birth, she wouldn't even remember!

Ross: Oh my god. what shall I say to her?

Chandler: (quickly) NOTHING! nothing, if it doesn't go after a month, then, maybe, but she can never find out I told you!

Ross: Okay, okay thanx man!

Chandler: Ookay...(runs to the girls appartment). (Chandler runs back to the hall, where Ross is seated, trying to understand what Chandler had said.)

Chandler: Nobody home

(Runs back to the appartment)

(Phoebe, Joey and Rachel are going up the stairs)

Joey: Hi Ross

Ross: Hi guys...Phoebe

Phoebe: Hi Ross (messes his hair a bit)

Rachel: Hi. (something moves in her large bag)

Ross: Rach, what's in your bag?

Rachel: What? Oh my bag? um...it's ha,it's a toy! yeah, it's a toy which keeps on moving when he's in the dark. It's a night game.

Ross: There by goes the question: Why do you need a toy?

Rachel: Bec.because, my...nephew! Yes, my nephew has a birthday party pretty soon. Um, Joey, do you mind helping me place it?

Joey: Sure, no problems

(Joey and Rachel go inside the girls apartment)

Pheobe sits next to Ross on the step.

(Ross is obviously un eased, and un comftorable.)

Ross: Um...Phoeebs, ha, hi! Why did you keep calling to London?

Phoebe: Um..(doesn't wanna reveal about Rachel) Because...I love you (smiles)

(Ross looks straight forward, like Monica did at the season finale)

[Cut to: The girls appartment. Rachel and Joey take a little dog out of the bag]

Rachel: Aww, he's so cute! Joey you were right, it does help me feel better! I'm just gonna keep it a secret from Monica a few days, and when she'll see him, she's gonna love him!

Joey: (has a sour look on his face) Yeah, right, whatever...

Rachel: Joey, what is it? Joey: Rachel, I hate keeping secrets....it makes me feel so bad, when I know I'm gonna slip up and tell it the next second, and everybody will get mad at me. (pause) But don't worry, you're secret's safe with me (winks at her). (Rachel frowns)

[Cut to: The guys apartment. Chandler and Monica are seated on the same recliner, hugged. Monica lays her head on Chandler's chest. They're both wearing bathrobes (I'll leave some things to the imagination).]

Monica: Where is Joey again?

Chandler: Don't worry, Joey Ross Phoebe Rachel and Emily went to Frank and Alice to play electronic twister. don't ask me what that is.

Monica: Chandler, doesn't it bother you? Y'know keeping this whole thing a secret?

Chandler: Mon, ofcourse it bugs me. I want the world to know that I've got the greatest person in the world as my girlfriend. but...okay, I don't see any reason to keep it secret.

Monica: Because, Ross won't cope with it, and Rachel's really in a delicate situation. y'know she's really upset, like I was after Richard. Maybe if we'll give her some time we can tell her then. and Ross too.

Chandler: Don't you get tired of worrying about everybody else but you Mon?

Monica: Nope. and right now I'm worried about you.

Chandler: Oh really? why is that?

Monica: Because I think that if you won't get a kiss this instant, you're gonna get sick.

Chandler: I love it when you're concerned (They kiss)

-Closing Credits-

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Joey, Rachel and Ross are seated at the couch. they're looking straight ahead.]

Ross: You know I really hate keeping secrets. It holds you up inside...

Rachel: Afraid any minute now it'll be discovered...

Joey: People will get mad at you...

Monica: Won't let you live your life in peace, or will depress them..

Ross: Do you guys wanna go and get drunk?

Monica & Joey & Rachel: Yeah, sure, why not....

-The End-

Want more? Wait another week, for another episode of "alternate season five".