Written by: Gabe
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Author's Note: I intend for this to be the sixth episode in my own version of Season 8. I would recommend reading the first 5 episodes of my series; "The One With Joey's Problem" , "The One With The Itchy Butts" "The One With The Explanation" "The One On Train 363" and "The One With The Message" before you read this one.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment. Phoebe and Ross are in the living room putting on their shoes, ect. Getting ready to leave]
Phoebe: Ross, you promised me that we were actually going to rest last night.
Ross: Hey! It's not my fault that Jurassic Park just happned to be on last night.
Phoebe: You stuck it in the VCR!
Ross: Well (pauses) I thought it was the Little Mermaid.
Phoebe: You own the Little Mermaid?
Ross: No. (trying to play it off) So come on, hurry up, those test results aren't getting any younger.
Phoebe: You know, that's probably true Ross, but I don't think they're getting any older either.
Ross: Good point. But still, I wanna hurry.
Phoebe: Hey! Don't rush me. I'm a lady with a baby, ya know.
Ross: How could I forget?
[Scene: Mrs. Bing's House. Chandler and Monica's Room. Monica is sleeping in the bed but Chandler is sleeping on the floor beside the bed, curled up in a ball]
Monica: (starting to wake up) Chandler? (waits for his response, when she doesn't hear anything she turns and sees he's not on his side of the bed) Chandler? (gets up and steps out of bed,but ends up stepping on Chandler, who is woken up by it) Chandler!? What are you doing down there?
Chandler: (standing up, sleepy) Well I *was* sleeping. And I was having a great dream too. (whiny) It was night time, and I was asleep, on a nice bed, with my wife, and nobody had to pee! Oh, and the bed wasn't throwing people everywhere, and my wife didn't step on me so early in the morning!
Monica: Why were you sleeping on the floor and not the bed?
Chandler: Because if I was to get back into the bed, you probably would have flown off of it. Hence, you would wake up, and more hence (thinks about what he just said, shrugs it off) and then it would be no sex for a week! The least thing I need added to this week from hell is no sex! Especially, when everyone else around us is having sex! Pheebs is having sex, Ross is having sex, Joey is having sex...
Monica: (interupting) Joey is always having sex.
Chandler: Yeah, but just saying it added a little bit more to my rant ya know?
Monica: (sighs) Come on. Let's go eat some breakfast.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's room at Mrs. Bing's house. Rachel is asleep in Joey's arms, but he is awake]
Rachel: (starting to wake up) Hey...
Joey: (smiles, and runs a hand through her hair) Hey.
Rachel: Have you been awake long?
Joey: Nah... I haven't gone to sleep yet.
Rachel: What?! Joey it's 9 in the morning!
Joey: I know. This is just, it's so unbelievable... and yet so confusing.
Rachel: I know Joey. It may be a little confusing... but I know that it wasn't the wrong thing to do...
Joey: How can you be so sure?
Rachel: It felt too right...
Joey: (smiles) I know what you mean.
Rachel: (smiles) Alright Joey, I'm going downstairs for some breakfast.
Joey: Mmm. Breakfast sounds good.
Rachel: I know. But you're not having any.
Joey: Why not? What kind of game are you playing here lady?
Rachel: No. Joey you are not coming downstairs. You are staying up here and getting some sleep.
Joey: Sleep?! Who needs sleep?!
Rachel: You do! That is if you want to do tonight what we did last night.
Joey: Yeah sleeps sounds good. (fake yawn) I feel it coming on already.
Rachel: Good! I'll see ya in a couple of hours.
Joey: Goodnight Rach.
Rachel: Goodnight Joey.
[Scene: The kitchen of Mrs. Bing's house. Chandler and Monica are at the table eating, when Rachel enters]
Rachel: Good morning you two.
Monica: Good morning.
Chandler: Wow, you look awfully perky this morning.
Rachel: Well, I had a great night last night.
Monica: As in another Joey Rachel spankfest night?
Rachel: Something like that.
Chandler: Ok, now things make more sense about Tag.
Rachel: What about Tag?
Chandler: Well I stumbled into him last night when I was going to the bathroom, and he was all packed up and ready to go.
Rachel: Did he say why?
Chandler: Yeah actually he did. I believe his exact words were, "I can't sleep here! Those two have been doing it like jackrabbits for 4 hours."
Rachel: Yeah that does explain a lot. Especially why my butt is so sore again.
Monica: Woah! Too much information.
Rachel: (gasps) Not because of that! It's the rash thing. It made my butt really sensitive, and the doctor said I shouldn't have any sex for a week or so to let it heal.
Chandler: Oh how well you listen.
Rachel: I am gonna call my doctor. I'm sure he can give me some pointers on what to do.
Monica: Well you never took your bags upstairs, so the number should be right over there with them.
Chandler: I'll go grab it for ya. But while I'm there I'm stealing some of that extra strength tylenol from your bag.
Rachel: Um... Ok.
Chandler: (gets up, and you can see a big foot print on the side of his face and neck) God this hurts...
Rachel: Oh my god! What happened to you?!
Chandler: Oh nothing really. My wife just stepped on me is all.
Rachel: What kind of kinky games do you two play?
Monica: That's not it, and it's too long and too stupid of a story to explain.
Rachel: Oh. I thought that might be the secret thing you used on Richard to make him let out that weird moan.
Chandler: (stops walking and turns around) Secret thing? Weird moan?
Chandler: How come I don't have a secret thing? Am I not good enough to let out a weird moan?
Monica: Chandler! Rachel has no idea what she's talking about. She's just messing with you. Right Rachel?
Rachel: Of course.
Chandler: (looks oddly at both of them) Ok. (starts to walk off again)
Rachel: Ok! Since I pretended not to know you have to tell me what the secret thing is!
Chandler: (turns back around) I knew it!
Monica: It's nothing Chandler. She's just gone crazy. All the bed bouncing has thrown her brain way out of wack.
Chandler: No! I'm not buying that! I'm not as good in bed as Richard ia am I? Hmm? That's what this is about isn't it? That's why Richard gets a special thing and I don't!
Monica: Chandler! Would you stop going crazy for just two seconds?!
Chandler: No! I won't! Maybe if I got to let out a weird moan every once in a while I would be able to! But since I never get to do that! It's not gonna happen! I'm... .I'm... .I'm gonna go talk to Joey! (exits)
Monica: Thanks a lot.
Rachel: Could have all been avoided if you would have just told me the secret thing.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's room at Mrs. Bing's house. Joey is sleeping]
Chandler: (bursting in) Joey!
Joey: (wakes up startled) Again Rach?! (sees its Chandler) Oh. Hey man what's up?
Chandler: I think, that Monica thinks, Richard is better in bed than me.
Joey: (sits there with a huge smile on his face)
Chandler: Are you listening to me at all?
Joey: (still smiling) I'm sorry did you say something?
Chandler: Are you ok?
Joey: Oh, I'm more than ok.
Chandler: Well can you quit being all smiley and help me out for a minute? I'm having a major problem here!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. Calm down there buddy. There's no need to feel down on a wonderful day like today.
Chandler: (stares at him for a moment) Who the hell are you and where in the world is Joey?!
Joey: Oh I'm Joey. I'm just a Joey in love.
Chandler: In love?! What are you talking about Joe?
Joey: Me and Rach. We're in love.
Chandler: What?! I thought you guys were just doing it?
Joey: Why would me and Rachel just be doing it?
Chandler: I don't know. I just thought it was some evil joke the two of you thought up to make sure no one around ever, ever sleeps.
Joey: No way man. It's serious now. She knows how I feel.
Chandler: Wow Joey this is great!
Joey: I know!
Chandler: Wow, this is really...
[Scene: The kitchen of Mrs. Bing's. Rachel comes in and begins talk to Monica. Her sentence starts right where Chandler's left off]
Rachel: Good news!
Monica: What are you so happy about?
Rachel: That doctor guy who turned me down a few days ago...
Rachel: Well he and his girlfriend broke up, and when I called him, he asked me out!
Rachel: What?! Why aren't you happy for me?
Monica: Well what about Joey?
Rachel: What about Joey?
Monica: Well aren't you two...
Chandler: (finishing her sentence as he enters) In love?
Rachel: No! We're not in love! Why in the world would you think that?
Chandler: Um... because that's what Joey just told me.
Chandler: Yeah. He's sitting up there, happy as can be, because he loves you, and he thinks that you love him back.
Rachel: Oh my god...
Monica: So wait a minute... you don't have any feelings for Joey?
Rachel: No! Not like that. I mean... I know we're getting closer and all but this... this is not what I pictured happening. I thought for sure Joey of all people would understand the need for sex and only sex.
Chandler: Well maybe Joey is deeper than you give him credit for.
Rachel: Oh my god... what am I going to do?
Monica: Rachel... you have to talk to him.
Rachel: I know... but how am I going to do that without hurting him?
Monica: Um, honey... I don't think that's going to be possible.
[Scene: Waiting Room of the Doctor's Office. Phoebe is reading a magazine and Ross is flipping through another one beside her]
Ross: This is ridiculous. This Brad Pitt guy is on like every page.
Phoebe: Yeah that's because he's fine.
Ross: Oh come on, you act as if there's not a thing wrong with him.
Phoebe: That's because there isn't... (pause) Oh wait I know one thing!
Ross: What is it?
Phoebe: He wears way too much clothes.
Ross: Please. Besides, he is so obviously gay.
Ross: Yeah. Everyone knows Brad Pitt is gay.
Phoebe: Are you kidding? He's married, ya know? To a woman.
Ross: Oh yeah. To that one blonde lady... what's her name?
Phoebe: Oh I can't remember... she's petite... kind of annoying...
Ross: Yeah. She's on that one show...
Phoebe: Ooh I hate that show!
Ross: Me too. I always watch Survivor.
Phoebe: Me too. I'll take reality TV over six, white, coffee sucking 30-somethings any day.
Nurse: Phoebe Buffe and Ross Gellar?
Phoebe: (standing up with Ross) Yes?
Nurse: Follow me, and we'll get you the results of those tests.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's Room at Mrs. Bing's house. Joey is awake, daydreaming to himself, and Rachel enters]
Rachel: Hey Joey.
Joey: (happily) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Um, Joey... we need to talk.
Joey: Uh oh.
Joey: You said "We need to talk." We need to talks are never good.
Rachel: Look, Joey, I just... I just think that you are misunderstanding how I feel about you.
Joey: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well... you told Chandler that we were in love. And Joey, I'm not in love with you.
Joey: Oh I know. It's still too early in our relationship to say that we love each other... that was just...
Rachel: No, see Joey, to me, there is no relationship. We're just friends.
Joey: But... what about last night... and on the train...
Rachel: Ok, so, we're just friends who happen to have sex sometimes...
Joey: What is the point in being friends who have sex? I mean why would we want to do that?
Rachel: Because the sex is really good...
Joey: What about all the stuff I said to Tag? I thought that meant something to you...
Rachel: It did. Joey, it so did. I just... I just think us trying to be more than friends is only going to hurt what we have going.
Joey: How can it hurt what we have going? Because we don't have anything going right?! You can't hurt what doesn't exist?!
Joey: (standing up) No! It's ok! No big deal, right? We'll just go back to being friends who have sex every once in awhile, because that way, everybody is happy, and Chandler and Monica will get no sleep!
Rachel: Joey, I'm sorry. I thought this meant the same thing to you that it did to me.
Joey: Well how could it Rach? Because to you, this obviously means nothing. (exits)
[Scene: Examining Room at a Doctor's Office, Phoebe and Ross are sitting down, the doctor just enters]
Dr. Olson: Hello you two.
Dr. Olson: Well I have the results right here. Are you two ready?
Phoebe: No. But go ahead and tell us anyways.
Dr. Olson: Now, keep in mind, that the results are not 100% positive, and can be proved wrong once the baby is born and correct and conventional methods of testing can be used.
Phoebe: Right... now just tell us.
Dr. Olson: Ok, first, Phoebe, you are going to be having a baby girl.
Phoebe: A girl?! Oh my god...
Ross: Wow this is great Pheebs!
Phoebe: A baby girl... I can't believe it. I hope she likes me... ooh and I hope she isn't cursed with this horrible hair!
Ross: Um... so what about me? Am I the father?
Dr. Olson: Ok... and... Dr. Gellar. As for you... yes. As far as we can tell you are the father of Mrs. Buffe's baby.
Ross: Wow... this is great! I can't believe it... can you Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah. Actually, I think I kind of already knew it was you.
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean who would make a better father for little Regina Phalange Buffe than you?
Phoebe: I said who would make...
Ross: (interupting) Oh no. I got that part. I'm talking about the name. What was that?
Phoebe: Regina Philange Buffe.
Ross: (laughs a little) That's funny.
Phoebe: What's so funny about it?
Ross: You think you are going to name my daughter that... (stops for a minute) Oh my god I'm going to have a daughter...
Phoebe: Hey! Do you think that since I've already given birth three times this one won't hurt?
Ross: I don't think that's going to be the case Pheebs.
Dr. Olson: (laughs) Well, congradulations you two. Um, Mrs. Buffe we'll need to see you again in about two weeks. Have a good day. (exits)
Ross: So, Pheebs, let's get out of here. We have a lot of people to call.
[Scene: The Living Room of Mrs. Bing's. Joey is watching TV and he doesn't look happy when Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey Joe.
Chandler: So... how ya holdin up?
Joey: I'm fine.
Chandler: You don't look fine Joe.
Joey: Well I am, ok?! So don't you worry alright?!
Chandler: Hey, don't get mad at me Joe. I'm just trying to help you out.
Joey: I'm not mad at you.
Chandler: Oh, good.
Joey: I'm mad at Rachel.
Chandler: How mad? Like, just ticked off? Or like, she just stole your meatball sandwhich mad?
Joey: The second one.
Chandler: Well, then maybe she's right Joe.
Chandler: Well, she doesn't want to mess up you're friendship. And you're not even dating yet and you're already this mad at her. Can you imagine how mad the two of you would get at each other if you were dating. Can you guess what that would do to your friendship?
Joey: It's not the same Chandler. It would be different if we were together.
Chandler: I'm not so sure it would Joe. If the two of you are anything like me and Monica everything will just stay the same. Except you'll see each other naked a lot more.
Joey: Then what should I do Chandler?
Chandler: You should go upstairs and fix things with Rachel.
Joey: How do I do that?
Chandler: You tell her that the two of you will just be friends.
Joey: But that's not what I want Chandler!
Chandler: Joe... if it's really meant to be, she'll find her way back to you.
Joey: Do you think that's the right move to make?
Chandler: I don't know if it's the right move Joe, but it's the best one that you can make.
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's room at Mrs. Bing's house. Rachel is sitting on the bed when Joey enters)
Joey: Hey Rach.
Joey: Look Rach, about earlier...
Rachel: (interupting) Oh no, Joey, don't apologize. None of this was your fault.
Joey: But it wasn't your's either.
Rachel: (sighs) So what are we gonna do here Joe?
Joey: We're gonna do exactly what you said Rach. We're just gonna be friends.
Rachel: But, that's now what you wanted.
Joey: No, it's not what I wanted. But it's what I'm going to do.
Rachel: I'm really sorry Joe. I didn't mean to...
Joey: (interupting) I know. And it's ok Rach... we're fine.
Rachel: (smiles) Good.
Joey: I'm gonna go downstairs and finish watching the game.
Rachel: Alright... I'll be down later.
Joey: Ok. (starts to leave but turns back) Hey are we still gonna do it?
Rachel: I think it would be best if we didn't anymore.
Joey: Right. (starts to leave)
Rachel: But Joey. Remember, on trains it doesn't count. (Joey smiles and leaves)
[Scene: The Kitchen of mrs. Bing's house. Monica is cooking something when Chandler enters]
Chandler: Look, about that whole Richard thing, I didn't mean to flip out like that.
Monica: Yeah you did.
Chandler: Yeah I did.
Monica: Look Chandler, that whole special thing, it's not real.
Chandler: It's not?
Monica: No. Richard just moans weird every once in awhile. I just told Rachel the special thing story to make it seem like I was better in bed.
Chandler: Why would you want Rachel to think you're better in bed?
Monica: I don't know...
Chandler: Hmm. Alright, you're forgiven.
Monica: I'm forgiven?
Chandler: Um, I meant, you forgive me.
Monica: Right. (kisses him) So do you want to go upstairs and let me show you some of my special moves?
Chandler: You just said there weren't any special moves!
Chandler: Yeah we're not gonna have sex now are we?
Chandler: Once again, my sense of humor has cost me.
TO BE CONTINUED WITH THE 7TH EPISODE OF MY ALTERNATE SEASON 8, "THE ONE WHERE THEY PLAY SURVIVOR"