TOW the woodpecker

by Anat Shallev


{Auther's note: in my fanfic, unlike many fanfics I know - they have switched the apprtments and now Chandler and Joey are at Monica's old flat.)


{Opening scene: Joey and Chandler's appartment. Joey, Monica and Rachel are having breakfast}

JOEY: Hi guys, did you ever stop and think about woody the wood pecker?

(Rachel and Monica give him a "what?!" look)

JOEY: Yhea, I mean, is he based on a true living wood pecker? and if so is he still alive and make jokes like woody?

MNCA:(disregarding Joey's comment): So, Rachel are you all set for Friday night?

RACH:(doesn't know what she's talking about) what's on tommorow night?

MNCA: I can't believe you! I have reminded you every day in the past week and you forgot!

RACH: Ofcourse I didn't forget! (trying hard to remember)

Happy........(giving up) Okay, I give up!

MNCA: Tommorow's our appartment is being sprayed (Rachel remembers) against the lovely suvenier Joey and Chandler left us...cockroaches

(Joey smiles with a guilt look on his face)

{Opening credits}

{Scene: the same}

RACH: Well, I better go and call Phoeebs.(goes to the living room and grabs a phone)

JOEY:(to Monica) So, where are you planning to crash?

MNCA: I don't have a clue. I mean, (whispering) it's pretty scary to sleep at Phoeebs, and...

RACH:(getting off the phone) Well, Phoeebs said it's okay.

MNCA: I was supposed to sleep at Ross's but Jenny is sleeping there so....

RACH: Jenny is sleeping there? They barely know each other!

MNCA: Boy, someone's got the green's today....

(Joey giggles. Rachel gets angry)

RACH: Well, at least I've got a place to sleep in!

MNCA: Got me there

JOEY: Hi, Mon, you know you're welcome to stay here.

MNCA: Really? that'd be great! we can rent movies, order pizza...

JOEY: Actually, I've got a hot date with Heather tonight. so you should ask Chandler....

(Chandler comes out of his room)

CHAN: Ask me what?

MNCA: Can I sleep here tommorow night?

CHAN: Well, honey, I don't know if we reached that level in our relationship yet, but...okay (smiles)

MNCA: You see, my house is being sprayed against cockroaches and... I need a place to crash...

CHAN: No problem

MNCA Great.

{Scene: the next day. Centrel Perk. Ross, Joey and Phoebe are there)

JOEY: Hi, Phoeebs, do you think there's a real woody the wood pecker out there....?

PHOE: Well, I don't know. I mean, if it does than it would probably be fourty by now. Ross, you know about this stuff, what's the life contents of a woodpecker?

ROSS: Phoeebs, I don't know about wood peckers! I know about dinosaurs. There's a difference.

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hi, what are you talking about?

JOEY: About the difference between woodpeckers and dinosaurs

CHAN: That's an easy one. woodpeckers never been in an actual "Sliders" episode.

JOEY: So, guys, what's your plans for tonight?

PHOE: oh, Rachel is sleeping at my place, and don't tell her, but I'm planning a surprise for her: we're gonna make vegi. mushes, gonna watch my ultra sound film and make yoga!

ROSS:(smiling sweetly) Don't you worry Phoebe, we'll never dream of ruining her that surprise. anyway, Jenny is sleeping at my place...

JOEY: Alright Ross! well, I've got a hot date with Heather...!

ROSS: Hi, Chandler what about you?

(Monica enters)

CHAN:(pointing at Monica) her...!

MNCA: are you ready to go?

CHAN: Sure!

MNCA & CHAN: Bye! (they leave)

ROSS: (amazed, with his mouth wide open) OH MY GOD!

{Scene: Block buster. Chandler and Monica are picking a movie to watch.}

MNCA: Hi, Chandler, what about "The bridges of Madisson county"?

CHAN: Are you kidding? every time I imagine Clint Eastwood saying "I love you" I get the chills

(Monica smiles)

CHAN: Hi, what about: "Stephen King's children of the corn"?

(Monica gives him a "you know what to do" look)

CHAN:(returns it) OOOOOkay.....

(Suddenly Monica hears a voice behind her)


(Monica and Chandler turns around. it's Pete Becker, Mon's old boyfriend. he's with a blond, big busted woman.)

MNCA: Pete?

PETE: Mon? a pleasure seeing you again! you too Chandler!

(Chandler throughs him a quite "Hi" and suprinsingly doesn't fall for the woman...)

PETE: Oh, this is my new girlfriend Alisson

MNCA: (fakes a smile) Nice metting you...

CHAN: (shakes her hand) Hi....

PETE: (viciously) So, Mon, still no boyfriend?

MNCA: (thinking) actually, Pete, I do have a new boyfriend (puts her arm around Chandler's waist)

PETE: No way! you too? really?

CHAN: Really?(playing along) really! (puts his arm around her shoulders)

PETE: (defeated) Well, huh, nice seeing you. bye!


{Scene: Ross's appartment. Ross is VERY and I mean VERY disturbed about the mistaken thought of his sister going out with his best friend. Suddenly the doorbell rings)

ROSS: Coming!

(Ross opens the door. it's his girlfriend Jenny (played by Jenny Mcarthey)

JENN: Hi baby! (starts kissing him. he breaks out)

JENN: What's the matter?

ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry...(They start kissing again. Ross again breaks out)

JENN: Okay, now I know something's wrong. come on, lets talk about it. What's the matter?

ROSS: Well, it's nothing really. (she gives him an "I don't believe that" look) Okay it's a big's just that...My sister Monica, remember her?

JENN: Yhea, the cute brunette...

ROSS: Yhea, her and Chandler, you know who's he right?

JENN: The cute funny guy...

ROSS: Yhea. anyway, I think they're seeing each other and it's REALLY bugging me!

JENN: You just found out about them?

ROSS: What?

JENN: Come on Ross, a blind man could see the attraction between them....

ROSS: So, you knew about this?

JENN: Ross, I think on some level you knew it...or not...

ROSS: So, you're calling me blind now? (in a loss for words) well,well, you're not a real blond!

JENN: I don't believe this! I'm out of here!

ROSS: Fine. and give me back my swiss army knife!

JENN:(slamming the door) FINE!

(a few seconds past)(the door slightly re opens)

JENN: And I'll get back to you on the knife!

(slams the door)

fade out

fade in

{Scene: Chandler and Joey's appartment. Monica and Chandler are watching the movie}

MNCA: Thanks Chandler.

CHAN: For transffering you my manly kind spirit?

MNCA:(smiling) Yhea...and beside that for playing along with me at the video store with Pete and all....

CHAN: Sure Mon. but you know, you shouldn't be ashamed of being single...with no boyfriend...

MNCA: I know, and I'm usually not ashamed of it...but today when I saw Pete with that "barb wire" I just fricked out...Do you know that Pete is the last meaningful relationship I had so far?

CHAN: Well, I guess I had Kathy, but that didn't turn out too well...

MNCA: Oh, come on won't have any trouble finding a're sweet,cute,handsome,funny,smart...

CHAN: Go on...

MNCA: I wanna make a toast (holds up a piece of pizza) to the greatest guy in the world...hopefully all the guys in the world will be as great as he is and that he'll find someone who love him more than he loves Yasmine Bleeth....

CHAN:(holds out a slice of pizza) well, that's not possible but here here!

(they start chewing)

MNCA: Which one isn't possible?

CHAN: Both (They both smile. suddenly, they look in each other's eyes for a LONG time. they SLOWLY starts to move closer and closer to each others lips, untill they're about to kiss when....)

(Joey bursts through the door. Monica and Chandler quickly jump apart and start chewing their pizzas)

JOEY: I had the worst date ever!!! I mean, she was really boring, plus she ran out of our date! so what if I asked her about Taz! well, I'm gonna turn in and try to forget this awfell night. good night

folks! (walks into his room)

MNCA:(stunned about what ALMOST happened, speaking very slowly and

quietly, and doesn't look at Chandler) well, I think I'm gonna turn in too. good night.

CHAN: (same situation as her) Good night.

(Chandler gets up, turn the switch off but we can still see him. he's about to enter his room, than takes one last look at Monica, who already lay on the sofa)

(screen fades to black.)



Ending titles

(Joey's on the phone)

JOEY: Yhea, NYC zoo? yhea, my name is Joey Tribbiani, and I was thinking maybe you know if there's a real woody the wood pecker? you don't know? well, how 'bout Taz and Daffey? Hello? Hello?