The One Where You'll Never Guess What!

Written by: Gemma Beglan

Hiya! Well this is my second fan fic, and is NOT continuing from the first because 1) I really don’t think the Richard thing will work because lets face it Mon and Chandler are obviously in love, and 2) I noticed that the Richard thing and Joey’s poetry thing had already been done by Alex, which really freaked me out as I read it AFTER I’d written my one!! But anyway I’d like to apologize to him if he thought I’d copied him in any way, I honestly didn’t.

I’d like to say that I live in England, so only read the scripts through this (great) site, and see them when they appear on Sky One which is like about 10 weeks later, so if I’m not completely accurate I’m sorry, but you know why.

And another thing is, PLEASE(!!) email me with your comments, even if they say how crap I am I’d just like to know all your opinions, it will help me, and I’ll write back to everyone I promise! If you have any suggestions aswell, then I’ll consider them. OK OK I’m really gonna shut up and get on with the story now...Thanks to Jessica by the way!

Ross and Rachel are NOT together in this one (sorry to confuse you) and Monica is NOT in love with Richard (I love Tom Selleck myself!). Chandler and Monica have NOT yet said that they love each other, but everyone DOES know about them!

(scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Joey are there talking on the couch)

Joey: So, Pheebs, I ran into Ursula yesterday. (Phoebe pulls a face)

Phoebe: Oh, uh-huh, and how is she? (Joey looks relieved) Still a bitch?

Joey: (Pulls a face) Oh Pheebs (pleading) Ursula’s really hot, and intelligent (laugh from audience) and sweet.

Phoebe: Joey my sister is a lot of things but she is not sweet. I don’t know how you can say that after what she did to you.

Joey: She’s changed, Pheebs, she has. She said she’s sorry for what she did and I believe her. Anyway when was the last time you saw her?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, well I believe that was when we got back from the beach house that time after I found out my dead mom wasn’t really my birth mom, and she wrote a fake suicide note.

Joey: (Weakly) Well, uh, maybe she was trying to protect you...

Phoebe: (puzzled) What, I don’t understand. From my mom’s handwriting? (Cut to Joey looking really confused) And anyway, what about all the things she did to me while we were growing up? I’m sorry Joey, but if you’re just gonna go out there and get back with her, you can’t expect me to be all smiley and happy about this! Ursula is a curse! A cursed girl I tell ya! Cursed!

Joey: Look, Pheebs I am not back with her I just wanted to see what you thought of it before we went out.

Phoebe: (hurt) You’re gonna go out with her?

Joey: Yes Phoebe I am, and if you don’t like it then I’m sorry but that’s the way it is!

Phoebe: Fine!(folds her arms firmly with sulky expression)

Joey: Fine!! (Storms out of Central Perk and slams the door before returning and running over to Phoebe)

Both: I’m sorry! (They hug)


(Scene: Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey in Mon’s apt. Mon is cooking in the kitchen, and Joey, Rach and Ross are watching TV)

Rachel: So what’s everyone doing later?

Ross: Oh well I’m going to a meeting at Ben’s nursery school with Carol and Susan. Should be fun! (Rachel laughs)

Joey: Ross I have a question. Why do you always say Carol and Susan, and not Susan and Carol? (Ross glares at him)

Ross: Because Susan stole my wife and then claimed my son as her own. Do you have a problem with that??

Joey: NOOO! (Ross nods approval at Joey’s answer)

Rachel: So Joe are you doin’ anything later?

Joey: Oh yeah, I gotta date with Ursula.

Rachel, Mon and Ross: WHAT???

Monica: (coming in from the kitchen) Phoebe’s sister Ursula?? (Joey nods ‘yes’) Oh, you are so insensitive!!

Joey: (hurt) What?

Rachel: Oh come off it Joey, Phoebe’s like your best friend. Look what she did for you the last time you broke up with Ursula. Can’t you just respect Phoebe’s opinion about her?

Joey: I do respect her opinion! I just...have a different one.

Ross: God, Joey, Phoebe’s like the sweetest person. How can you hurt her like this? Do you know how bad she’ll feel if you go out with Ursula again?

Joey: Why should she feel bad? Just cos they don’t get along. I mean does she want me to not see her just cos of that? I’m sorry but that’s really selfish.

Monica: Oh Joey, if you really loved Ursula do you think Phoebe would have said anything at all? No! But you’re not in love with her! You’re never in love with anyone, you just want sex, sex and more sex!! All Phoebe’s life her sister has made her life a misery, stealing everything that belonged to her. (Her voice softens) And now Phoebe thinks she’s stealing you.

Joey: (Looks really sad) I had no idea. Ursula’s not gonna take me away from Phoebe! I’ll always be friends with Phoebe. She’s like the only one who understands me.

Ross: (under his breath) Figures.

Joey: What?

Ross: Uh, I, uh.....sure is!

(Scene: Outside Ursula’ apartment, Joey knocks and Ursula answers wearing a T-shirt and leggings)

Ursula: Oh, yeah, um Joey, yeah hi.

Joey: (Oblivious to her state of dress) So are you ready?

Ursula: Not yet, I haven’t seen the world yet! I always vowed before I die I’d go to at least ten other countries, y’know to see their culture and all that. I’m not ready yet.

Joey: (Completely confused) What??

Ursula: Oh! Right, yeah y’see I thought you meant death.

Joey: So are you ready for it?

Ursula: Death? Um, no. Look I just told you, you have a really short memory!

Joey: No, no, our date?

Ursula: What date?

Joey: I asked you out remember?

Ursula: Um, no. OK, well I’ll just get dressed. Don’t come in!(slams door)

(Scene: Mon’s apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch, Phoebe looks really depressed)

Rachel: Honey, if you don’t smile soon I’m really gonna have to get out of this place. I’m really not used to you not smiling Pheebs, it’s just not you.

Phoebe: Well, it’s hard to be, y’know all twirly and dancy when Joey’s out with that....bad girl!

Rachel: Pheebs, I know how you feel, I really do, but Joey’s your friend, you have to at least try and be happy for him.

Phoebe: y’know I don’t think you do know how I feel. Joey’s my best friend and I’d do anything for him. Joey’s like.......he’s like.......

Rachel: What honey, what?

Phoebe: best friend.

Rachel: Phoebe honey you already said that. Do you, and I mean honestly here, do you have feelings for Joey?

Phoebe: Honestly, yeah. (Rachel gasps)

Rachel: Oh that’s so sweet! Oh you have to tell him! My God, this is such a big thing!

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah but he loves Ursula so, no.

Rachel: No, no, Phoebe he doesn’t! He hardly knows her. You’re the one he opens up to, the one he tells everything to.

Phoebe: Yeah, but, no that doesn’t mean he’s in love with me.

Rachel: I think it might y’know. The way he looks at you. I think he’s in love with you, he just doesn’t...realise it yet.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, I really do. I think you should tell him.

Phoebe: Ooh, you know what, I just might! Yay!!

(Scene: Outside Ursula’s apartment, Ursula is just exiting)

Ursula: Yeah, Ok, so yeah I’m ready now.

Joey: Great! Um, d’you mind if I just quickly use your bathroom. I really need to go! (Ursula gets pained expression)

Ursula: Um, well, um, OK, so yeah.

Joey: Thanks! (Opens door to see half naked man getting dressed)

Man: Hi, you must be Joey. (Joey stares at him, walks to the bathroom, does his thing, comes out again, and slams the door)

Ursula: Oh, yeah, hi.

Joey: I can’t believe you!

Ursula: Um, why? (Joey looks very confused)

Joey:’re unbelievable!

Ursula: Oh, yeah that.

Joey: Oh, Phoebe was so right!

Ursula: Yeah, well do you mean my mom Phoebe or my sister Phoebe? Cos, y’know that would make a difference. (Joey does his Marcel thingy impression, like he did when he gave Chandler that bracelet, and walks away.)

(Scene: Chandler’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are in his room and they’re NOT(!) having sex)

Chandler: So, what’re you doing tomorrow night? Maybe we can go out for a


Monica: Oh, sorry sweetie. I have to cater this party for my mom’s friend. You can come if you want. (Gets naughty grin on her face) You’d look really sexy in a chef’s hat...

Chandler: OK, I might!

Monica: Oh, I was just kidding! You don’t really have to come! Well, you can if you want. You can be my little waiter.

Chandler: Mmmmm sounds like fun. (Leans in to kiss her gently) Oh, can you believe this? I mean us. Don’t get me wrong, y’know, it’s great. But it’s weird cos it’s you....

Monica: Oh, thanks!

Chandler: You know what I mean. (Mon smiles) And there’s something I want to say to you.......Mon, I, um, I mean, oh what the hell (he looks deep into her eyes) Monica I love you. (Mon gasps. She has tears in her eyes)

Monica: I love you too! I love you I love you I love you!

Chandler: I love you more!

Monica: No, I love you more.

Chandler: Oh yeah well, you’re just gonna have to prove it to me then aren’t ya!

Monica: Well I guess I am! (Pushes him down on the bed.)

(Scene: Phoebe and Rachel watching TV at Mon and Rach’s. Joey enters.)

Joey: (Depressed) Hey.

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!

Rachel: (Looks at Phoebe) So, um, how did your date go?

Joey: I can’t believe Ursula! She totally forgot that we were going out and when I went inside her place she had some guy in there, and from the looks of him they were definitely not playin’ snap! (Cut to Phoebe looking really sorry for Joey)

Rachel: Oh honey, that’s so horrible! Oh I wish I could stay and talk to you (stands up) but I promised Ross I’d go see Ben, I haven’t seen him for ages and Mon tells me he’s getting real big! Well, I’ll see you later then guys! Have fun! (Gives Phoebe a prompting look before leaving)

Phoebe: Aww Joey are you OK?

Joey: Yeah, y’know I guess it wouldn’t have worked. I mean she is so slow, y’know what I mean? I was like ‘What do I have to explain everything to you?’ (Laughs. Phoebe clearly doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. Audience laugh at the irony.)

Phoebe: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Much as I y’know hate her, I know you cared about her.

Joey: It’s Ok Pheebs. It really is. I’m cool with it.

Phoebe: Um, Joey can I talk to you about something? It’s like really important.

Joey: (Looks very confused) Huh? You’re already talkin’ to me Pheebs (Gives a ‘Joey’ smile)

Phoebe: No, seriously. I don’t know quite how to say this, cos it’s you, I mean woooo! But I, um, for a while know I, I kinda um, I sorta (clearly really wants to tell him but gets totally tongue-tied) um, um, I....(Joey puts his finger to her lips)

Joey: Ssh (He brushes the hair out of her eyes and leans in on her. Their foreheads are touching and they stare at each other for a few seconds before Joey slowly closes in on Phoebe and gently kisses her.)

Phoebe: (Breathy) Oh, wow!

Joey: (NOT modestly) I know. (Phoebe grins and he kisses her again, this time more passionately.) How long have you.....(gets all embarrassed) know?

Phoebe: For a while but I only sorta just realised it, and the Ursula bitch made me really jealous! Did you like me?

Joey: Well I kinda did, but it seemed different, y’know cos you’re Pheebs and you’re like my best friend. I guess I did like you but I didn’t realise it either.

Phoebe: Oh wow! Wait till the others hear! This is bigger than Chandler and Monica!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Why don’t we not tell them and we can (turns on the ‘Joey’ charm) let them find out for themselves, if you know what I mean?

Phoebe: (Breathy again) Oh, I think I like the sound of that! (Joey scoops her up into his arms, with a squeal from her and they retreat into (presumably) his apartment.)


(Monica is sitting up in bed (Chandler’s bed) when she hears a noise from outside. She goes to investigate. It’s Chandler. He’s naked. He has a rose in between his buttcheeks. He’s singing opera-style. (You can stop screaming now girls. Monica is trying not to smile. Try to imagine this OK)

Chandler: Mon-i-kaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I lo-oo-oo-ve yoooooooouuuuuuuu Mon-i-kaaaaa! You’re the light of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife! Everytime I try to envi-i-s-a-age life without yoouuu, I feel real ba-a-a-a-ad and my asscheeks are saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! (Monica is crying with laughter as she takes the rose out of his ass and pushes him back into the bedroom know this ending is very far fetched, and would never happen, but we can wish, can’t we?!)